Letter to my mother

Thanks for your opinion eddiecat78

Helenwaspushed, I find if I substitute your title Letter to my Mother to Letter to my Child...the posts you are composing pretty much cover both types of estrangement!
What a sad situation all round.
No response required I won't be posting again.

Response required or not, I will respond. That's not true at all and super dismissive. It's not about you.

Thanks for your input, however uninformed it may have been.

...they think everything is about them and even when you explain it isn't, they think it should be about them. You aren't allowed to be sad or stressed or anxious around them as they will take it personally whether it is about them or not.

VS you predicted the future!

so you advise EAC not to be pushed into EAC only spaces helenwashpushed which was not what I was suggesting, yet expect to be able to post on an open forum and tell EP's that their thoughts, opinions and/or experiences are not welcome.

As I posted earlier, they may not be welcomed by you but may well be welcomed by others.

I don't agree that VS has "predicted the future" at all. No one's denying you or any other EAC their right to be sad, stressed or anxious, although that does appear to be the case for EP's.

I agree Bridie, the content of the OP could have been written to some EAC by their parents and saying so is neither untrue nor dismissive.

Saying it is does however dismiss what EP's say about their particular experiences and suggest that they are lying.

Rather than dismissing perfectly reasonable contributions by saying 'It's not about you' far more could be gained by EAC and EP's from listening to one another.

The threads on the estrangement forum, just like all threads on GN are for anyone who wishes to read and contribute to them.

EACs become grandparents

That seems such a strange statement to assume we must all be younger

In my experience, many are not

Also it is never too late to seek No Contact with an abusive family member... I wonder if there are any figures out there... interesting thought, I will look into it

Well that was easy, if you Google "Stand Alone prevalence of family estrangement" the majority of those who reported being estranged from a family member were aged 35 to 54

I fall within that bracket having been nearly 40 when I estranged... quite a while ago now

Thanks for looking that up, VS. Interesting statistic!

I am very uninterested in sharing my demographics or the details of my family situation outside of my relationship with my mother, so I welcome any assumptions that make the reader most comfortable! It is hard to challenge our preconceived ideas and judgements about people, or imagine that someone older might have a different view than you. I can empathize with that difficulty, as I struggled with that at one point too.

I would challenge any EP reading this that wants to continue this discussion to consider that my situation isn't about you. Imagine that. I will repeat that as many times as necessary, with no regard for how you feel about that. And you can continue to do your thing.

This is helpful practice so thanks for the discourse, however it is intentioned.

I wasn't going to respond...but you are extremely rude, do not dismiss me, that is for gransnet to decide.

I'm sorry you're upset. I am aspeaking of my own experiences and it isn't about you.

I KNOW that, !!!

I think we've all got the message now. For some bizarre reason you have chosen to post on a public forum but only want to talk about yourself and will only engage with people who agree with you without question. It's not a sustainable way to live but that's up to you.
And don't "thank me for my opinion", it's very patronising

I am not trying to be hurtful. I am protecting the space I've created. Please don't engage with me if you find me upsetting. I won't apologize for taking up this space in an open forum with many warnings of the contents and my intentions.

Take it or leave it.

I am not here for contrary opinions. You are free to give them, and I am free to reject them. My choice is made, and it isn't changeable. I am here speaking about my trauma.

I did not post for any reason but to find out why after estranging there was no peace for any of you. I was completely genuine, but you chose to twist my words, bitterness gets you no where, you only want those that agree with you and talk about your trauma, that’s a hard call for those around you.

I feel very at peace, these threads offer quite a lot of validation for me and that is the most honest answer I have

Why do you still post here Allsorts?

Yes, I get validation from it too VS. That's why I'm posting here, and why I'm trying to protect the space for others like me who often had no voice. And may still have no voice.

I feel safe and at peace enough to put myself in this vulnerable position.

Yes it is bizarre eddiecat the OP was dismissive of anyone who may not be in agreement or have an alternative point of view, but this is a public forum not a private chat room.

We know you are speaking of your trauma helenwaspushed and some EP's are speaking of their experiences and also pointing out similarities between the two.

Yes you are free to reject contrary opinions but not to suggest that any you choose to reject are untrue. Dismiss them if you wish but don't invalidate them; no one has invalidated yours have they.

Allsorts you only want those that agree with you and talk about your trauma an unrealistic 'ask' on an open forum and refusing to engage is often a tactic to silence others. Twisting what has been said is another way of deterring others from contributing and creates an unnecessarily hostile atmosphere.

That is an interesting statistic but those within that age bracket are unlikely to have also experienced estrangement from the perspective of being estranged by their AC. The vast majority of those on GN however, will be old enough to have estranged and/or be estranged.

I don't understand why anyone thinks it's appropriate to compare the EP experience to the experience of the one who estranged an EP for their abusive behavior. Right on this thread specifically written by and for abused EACs. So bizarre.

eddiecat78

I do wonder why you chose Gransnet for your posts. You must be aware that is mainly an older audience who are more likely to be affected by being estranged by their children, than still be coming to terms with abusive parents. Perhaps I am wrong but I have the impression you are closer in age to the Mumsnet audience - if so you are more likely to find people that are sympathetic to your situation there

I wonder as well. Because of age demographics, those on MN are liable to be much more sympathetic to those that have estranged their parents.

On here, it is mainly those of an age to be grandparents - they are not really the ideal target audience for sympathy.

Obviously, on open forums, anyone can post anything (subject to site rules). But, in return, anyone can post the response they want to (again, subject to site rules).

those within that age bracket are unlikely to have also experienced estrangement from the perspective of being estranged by their AC

It's not about your perspective, strangely enough.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I am finding exactly what I want from this and I hope you are too.

I don't understand where there are similarities which there are, why it's inappropriate to say so or why anyone would choose to post on a public forum something "specifically written by and for abused EAC" and expect only EAC who were abused to respond. So bizarre.

Literally any other thread could be about you if you wanted.

This one is not about you.

One of the key triggers for my no contact choice was my rejection of religion. I felt like I was supposed to find comfort in religion but I never did. I felt wrong.

I have a different kind of book recommendation that helped me think about my own spirituality differently. And to help me accept what's happened so far and what will happen. I'm like 25% of the way there, but I listened to "wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn on Audible and found it so relaxing.

If you like mindfulness or meditation it might be of benefit.