Letter to my mother

But I don't want a thread to be about me, and wouldn't expect to have one on an open forum.

Our estrangement led me to question my faith but I did manage to keep hold of it and that gave me strength and comfort.

I'm sorry it was unable to do the same for you helenwaspushed.

That's great for you.

I have been craving a sense of belonging 'spiritually' that has no relation to religion.

I see religion personally to be a tool of abuse, due to my experiences with very controlling and abusive parents. My parents used it to instill a deep and damaging sense of shame for any thoughts of feelings that went again the social norms. That's a very vulnerable place to be, and many took advantage of this.

Although I don't follow any one way of thinking in this regard, it has been fun to learn things like Paganism, Buddism, and the Satanic Temple for example. Both of which were very different than what I expected. I never truly believed the things my mom taught me about other people using religion but it's nice not to have that influence around anymore.

Stepping out of that box I was placed in was very liberating. Religion was not an abusive experience for everyone I'm sure, but it's very dangerous.

Coincidentally, I'm reading a book by a comedian Maria Bamford called "Sure, I'll Join Your Cult". It's dark humor for sure, so proceed with caution to anyone who tries it. It's a very mental health theme heavy book too.

Helen there is a support thread if you just want support, it may be a better place to share your thoughts as everyone works hard to keep it supportive and friendly

Don't worry VS, I have other outlets for support that I use very frequently. I am in group trauma therapy and individual therapy weekly and have very supportive friends and family who understand and value my perspective. I know not to expect that here necessarily. Thank you for the thought though. Truly.

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Oh yes I agree that religion can be an abusive experience. We only have to look at what's happened with the Catholic church to know that that's the case.

My only experience of Buddhism was in hospital years ago. One of the ladies on our ward was a Buddhist and she seemed to exude peace and tranquillity, an experience I've never forgotten.

I don't know what you mean by that Rachel and I hope it wasn't intended for any of the EP's who have posted here. It would be rather cruel if it was.

Rachel75

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Sadly true

Rachel75

Sometimes it’s hard to see how people become estranged - and sometimes it really isn’t….

Sometimes, it can also be about the estranger.

For certain reasons, I chose not to estrange my mother - even though I had, probably, every justification to do so.

I'm truly glad I didn't - she turned out to be the best Nan I could have chosen, and my kids adored her until the day she died.

I learned how to deflect her, I never changed how I felt towards her, but, equally, no one knew really. My kids still don't know, and they never will.

I don't regret a thing. I don't mull over the past, I give it very little thought. I've lived a basically happy life, with blips along the way. I'm not too cheerful at the moment, but that's for a different reason.

We all do it differently. 🙂

Diamondlil, that's all to your credit and despite all your recent heartbreak, there is no bitterness or self pity. Something we should all strive for, for our own well being.
Smileless, Bad things have been done under the cloak of religion, you only have to watch the TV drama, The Woman In The Wall, based on the atrocities in the Magdellan Homes by the nuns and priests, on decent innocent girls and their babies. . More than 50% of world renowned scientists believe in a supreme diety, the basis of which is, Do unto others. I know atheists who think the same so its not exclusive to religion, but it's almost a rule for life. If something bad happens, which it does, don't let it break you, you can never really come to terms with rejection or abuse but you must try as if you don't you remain a victim.

Smileless2012

Oh yes I agree that religion can be an abusive experience. We only have to look at what's happened with the Catholic church to know that that's the case.

My only experience of Buddhism was in hospital years ago. One of the ladies on our ward was a Buddhist and she seemed to exude peace and tranquillity, an experience I've never forgotten.

I don't know what you mean by that Rachel and I hope it wasn't intended for any of the EP's who have posted here. It would be rather cruel if it was.

No, just an observation generally. I have no intention of adding to anyone’s heartbreak

That's good to know Rachel.

Sometimes, it can also be about the estranger of course it can DL having nothing to do with the parent they've estranged as you know all to well from your DH's situation.

As you say, we all do things differently. What's right for one wont be right for another and I think when you can say you have no regrets, don't mull over the past and have had a basically happy life, clearly the decisions you've taken were the right ones for you.

We watched that too Allsorts and being reminded of what went on in the Magdellan Homes was very upsetting. Those poor young women and I think their families too, who'd have had no idea what was really going on there.

If something bad happens, which it does, don't let it break you, you can never really come to terms with rejection or abuse but you must try wise words .

I’ve been watching this intermittently without commenting, just wanted to say I think DiamondLily has the most sensible approach.
I’ve said before, if we really could put it all completely behind us, we wouldn’t constantly be discussing it, but we shouldn’t let it define our lives.
I also feel that probably, in many cases of estrangement, there is a certain amount of fault on both sides.
So leave it all in the past.

Well, as an adult, I just decided to make my own life, unhindered by thoughts of the past.

I bought my own kids up very differently, so the saga ended with me and my mother.

Years later, I worked in a Child Protection dept with kids that had really been abused, in ways I couldn't comprehend, and I think that also gave me more perspective as well - it could have been a whole lot worse!😗

I was lucky - I had a lovely dad, and a wholly supportive Nan.🙂

The past is gone - it's the future that matters,😉

DiamondLily
Same, I had my problems with my dad as I got older, but I always loved him, and have very happy memories of when I was little.

Smileless2012

Oh yes I agree that religion can be an abusive experience. We only have to look at what's happened with the Catholic church to know that that's the case.

My only experience of Buddhism was in hospital years ago. One of the ladies on our ward was a Buddhist and she seemed to exude peace and tranquillity, an experience I've never forgotten.

I don't know what you mean by that Rachel and I hope it wasn't intended for any of the EP's who have posted here. It would be rather cruel if it was.

I've got an American friend who's a Buddhist, and very calm and chilled he is. 🙂

I don't think religion itself is evil or dangerous - I think the problem is that some, within a religion (any religion), use any power they have, often to abuse. But, obviously, they aren't really following the guidance and rules of their religion.

But, I don't think priests/vicars/any religious leaders have the powers they used to have anyway. Society is becoming more secular in many countries.

Sara1954

DiamondLily
Same, I had my problems with my dad as I got older, but I always loved him, and have very happy memories of when I was little.

They're the memories to hang onto. Those that make you smile.😉

I would probably spend 0 seconds thinking about my own mother a day if the behaviour of others didn't remind me of her.. That leads me to spend probably about 10 minutes a day being highly interested by how abusive people cannot see the issues with their own behaviour and feeling very glad I am out of that relationship... It is very validating

Add a further 5 minutes wondering why anyone would gladly sit and spend their time telling someone else to "get over it" rather than show any sort of kindness and empathy

I have all the time in the world for people interested in self reflection and personal growth to support them to achieve peace and happiness

I don't think anyone can completely put it behind them. Some of the decisions we make are because of what we've experienced.

We'd never have moved nearly 7 years ago if we hadn't been estranged. We've never regretted that decision but will always regret the reason we had to move. Depending on one's own childhood experiences, decisions are made when we have children of our own not to place them on our own children, or to give them the childhood we were blessed to have had.

Discussing it can be beneficial to us and to others who are going through it too and have felt unable to talk openly. Feeling of guilt and shame can make it difficult as well as finding a place to do so.

Estrangement is one aspect of who we are and as you say Sara we shouldn't be defined by it, by ourselves or by others.

I've said that to myself countless times over the years DL, that the abuse could have been worse, a lot worse and knowing what some survived really does help to put things into perspective.

It's the abuse of power and position within a religious institution that is wrong, rather than the religion itself and the same applies to the family. Parents have power over their children and sometimes that power shifts when the children themselves become adults.

In addition to child abuse, there are cases of elder abuse as well as domestic, financial emotional and coercive control abuse, this being a fairly recently deemed illegal act punishable by law.

I think unless there's mental illness that abusers are aware of what they're doing, especially when looking back you can see the planning that went into bringing about a particular situation. The length of time before the desired result was finally achieved and the cover up that was so meticulously orchestrated that when you realised what was happening, it was too late to stop it.

Parents and others who abuse children go to great lengths to cover up what's happening because they know what they're doing is wrong. Diminished responsibility is only accepted when there's medical evidence to support it.

We're glad to be out of our relationship with our ES and his wife even though it's not what we'd have ever initiated because although it was over pretty quickly, we can see now that it was inevitable and we were spared the pain and anxiety of a long drawn out affair.

It's heartwarming to see how many EAC and EP's are eventually able to move on and make a life for themselves where they can be at peace and be happy.

Peace and happiness is the goal

When you can talk about the situation without it to ruining your peace you know you have achieved that

I simply say I do not have a mother when asked about family now... the need to justify or explain my situation has gone. I no longer look at other mother figures with longing... I have learnt to parent myself

Everyone on this site proving who they are right now.

If you're an abuse victim, you don't have to move on. You can talk about it as much as as little as you want. Telling people to move on is furthering the very deep and damaging dismissive behavior that we are already used to. It's cruel, and some of you continue to do so despite being told.

I shouldn't be surprised at the ignorance of others, but I continually am. The same people who take over every conversation to make it about them have done it again. But you don't know why you're estranged either,magically.

I agree with Rachel that it's easy to tell why some people are estranged. So many people here being thoughtless and cruel because they just HAVE to give their opinion.

You have to make room for others or they will leave you and find someone who will. And no, making it about you is not making room for others.

I'm quite upset which I didn't expect. Many of you here are exactly like the people in my life I want to avoid.

I will still share my experience of abuse, but it won't be here among my abusers. Because you are just like them. I know why your children cut you off, and it's why I'm leaving too. I hope you feel like you've won and you cling to the fact that you pushed a well meaning and deeply hurt person away from an outlet because you couldn't handle how it made YOU feel.

Toodles. Have a nice life.

I am genuinely sorry Helen

I am so used to it it no longer bothers me

Smileless - yes, elder abuse, along with spousal abuse, can be as damaging as child abuse. They are all horrible. It's all bullying, and I'm glad the law is being tightened up around it.

I am fully convinced that my DH, as he got older and more poorly, health wise, would at some point been subject to abuse from his younger son.

At it was, he had to confine the abuse to texts and phone calls.

Simply because he knew exactly what would happen if he came round here. I was the barrier to him really getting out of control with DH.

Like most people, of that ilk, he knew exactly who to try and take on, and who to avoid lol 😉

Similar to you VS when we're asked if we have children we tend to say we have one son and no GC but there's sometimes that longing when we see GP's with their GC.

You don't know us helenwaspushed. Had you been on GN for sometime you'd have known more about the circumstances that resulted in those of us who have been, being estranged but even then it would be wrong for you to say it's easy to see why some people are estranged this is thoughtless and cruel, and rather ironic coming from someone who accuses others of being the same.

I know why your children cut you off, no you only see what you want to see which includes seeing any responses that are not about you as invalidating your experience. To say that there are posters here who are among your abusers is extremely offensive, especially when some you are referring too are also victims of abuse.

No one's invalidated your experience even though you've attempted to invalidate others. I've had no problem with what you've shared here in terms of how that's made me feel, apart from how you've addressed EP's.

I hope you find somewhere more in keeping with what you're looking for.

Well I wish my mother would reach that stage and stop stalking my minor children online...

Helen is gone, so probably won't be reading

Try and have some empathy for another human in pain. We could have helped her

I do have empathy for others in pain VS but being in pain is no excuse to lash out at others who are also in pain.

I'm sorry your mum's still doing that, is there no way of blocking her?