Letter to my mother

I will still share my experience of abuse, but it won't be here among my abusers. Because you are just like them. I know why your children cut you off, and it's why I'm leaving too

Wow! That’s quite some level of high self regard and very judgemental of others - negating someone else’s experience just seems wrong. Talk about yourself by all means. Others wish to do the same. Fair play really.

Helen simply read many other threads here and watched the same people take over EAC threads by:

1. Invalidating them

2. Telling them they should just get over it

3. Turning the discussion to be about their own situations and having a conversation over the heads of EAC who are in the minority here

It happens on every thread and I have pointed that out so many times. But it will never stop. I expect to see it now

Helen didn't take her pain out on any of you, you guys came and took your pain out on her while pretending not too. You could stay away as easily as I stay away from your support thread because I know what I have to say * even though it is about my situation* hurts people there

Yes we can block every new account she makes but we can't stop her making more

Eek! I wish this thread had taken a different turn. it was nice to see an EAC being able to speak.

I am sick to death of the "leave it in the past", and "what real abuse looks like" tropes thrown out here. With all due respect, why do you chose to post on threads such as these if you know that you wont agree with the topic? That is what I don't understand.

And for those who want to use my experience of reengaging with my estranged mother, don't jump the gun to much. We are reestranged and I have a diagnosis of C-PTSD and treatment resistant depression due to the combination of a lifetime of emotional abuse, which IS real abuse, and the added abuse of the last 8 years of trying to take care of my family with an open heart.

I have never been physically abused, yet I wish I had been. In my eyes, it would be easier than 50+ years of emotional abuse that I am trying to recover from right now.

I am back off to deal with my damage and wont be back often as things never seem to change around here. Good job to the OP who tried to open a discussion for the EAC on GN.

Urmstongran

^I will still share my experience of abuse, but it won't be here among my abusers. Because you are just like them. I know why your children cut you off, and it's why I'm leaving too^

Wow! That’s quite some level of high self regard and very judgemental of others - negating someone else’s experience just seems wrong. Talk about yourself by all means. Others wish to do the same. Fair play really.

I don't think I have abused or negated anyone, but, on an open forum, people have different experiences - no one experience trumps another.

I'm lucky, and much of it is luck - got a great relationship with my kids, but I have had wide experience of my adult step ACs and their behaviour.

I don't judge anyone for estranging (did it with my ex MIL) and never looked back.

The judgemental bit seems to come in when some ACs, not all, take the view that parents must know why they've been estranged, and they are just in denial.

Hmmm, if only life were that simple. 🙄

It's really quite easy to let someone else have space to heal

I remember asking for space from my mother before I estranged. I didn't get it and realised I needed to leave the relationship in order to have space to heal

Much like Helen has realised that there are those here who will not allow her space to heal, so she has left

Personal growth is such a wonderful thing, your needs, feelings and opinions matter but you do not need to share them everywhere, especially where someone else needs space to heal their own way

Well, I don't blame her from finding a new space to heal.

If she needs certain things from a forum, and I understand this from disability, then some places are more help than others.

That's life. 🙂

It's not what is said but how it's said that's the problem. As far as I'm aware no one on the support thread is hurt by experiences shared by EAC. I've certainly never been hurt by them

We know that there are very good reasons for estranging and that doesn't invalidate our experiences, so why is it considered an invalidation by some EAC when we talk about our experiences that are different to theirs?

I would like you to give examples VS of where anyone took their pain out on the OP who said that the EP's posting here are abusers who were abusing her. Who told one poster who said the OP's letter to her mother could be her letter to her EAC that that was a lie.

Of course posters could have stayed away but if there's a thread of interest, why should they? What has blocking every new account the OP wants to make got to do with it? She decided to leave, no one blocked her.

What about the post from Rachel supported by you and the OP about how you can see why some people get estranged? Is that really in the spirit of support and a desire to have a mature and considered discussion? Have you any idea how hurtful that is for an EP to read?

Posters engaged by responding to the OP and others when and where they felt they had a contribution to make.

I too wish this thread had taken a different turn icanhandthemback, but it didn't get off to a very good start with the OP informing EP's in her OP that she wouldn't be debating her personal situation with them, and would ignore any attempts from them to invalidate her experiences.

I ask again, when and where were her experiences invalidated? Did anyone say they didn't believe her, that she must in some way have been responsible, that there are always two sides to the story?

Why even make the assumption that EP's would wish to invalidate her, why would we? That to me is tarring all EP's with the same brush and assuming they're your enemy because of what's happened with your own parent(s).

IMO these threads go astray when it appears that all EP's are the enemy because they've been estranged, because only the rotten ones ever are.

That's right DL if somewhere or something is detrimental to healing, it's the right thing to go else where.

I have said what needed to be said on this thread, there is no point remaining in a space that isn't welcoming to the people it was intended for

But I will always be thankful that I have learned how to handle relationships in a much more healthy way than what has been displayed here

Those who put their opinions and need for attention and to be heard before the feelings of others are doomed to become estranged

That's the awful thing about being estranged VS it can happen to anyone through no fault of their own.

DiamondLily

Well, I don't blame her from finding a new space to heal.

If she needs certain things from a forum, and I understand this from disability, then some places are more help than others.

That's life. 🙂

A very pragmatic and sensible comment DL.

VioletSky the OP was the only person who put their opinions and "need for attention" before the feelings of others

I’m beginning to understand what happened to you and your husband Smileless (such a poignant user name). Your ES and you were very close. Happy. Until he met his wife who was jealous of the relationship you had with your son. She even admitted that to you? Wow. Slowly it seems she pulled him away. If that’s a fair assessment of what went wrong then you and your husband weren’t at fault.

My god that must’ve crushed you. Who’d have imagined one could love one’s own children too much? Beyond sad. I think the more people that love and care for one another in a family the nicer it is. Seems my views are naive at best.

Thank you Urmstongran for your understanding. You've summed it up very well and yes we were crushed but we're OK now, well as OK as we'll ever be.

Fleurpepper

I've read it with tears in my eyes.

And with huge gratitude, that this a letter I would never have had to send to my mother, and that my daughters will hopefully never send to me.

So much pain and sadness, I can't possibly imagine. I won't comment further.

Totally agree with your comments Fleurpepper. It ade e cry reading it, and made me cry thinking of the Mum

I think that the Mum's response to the letter would be interesting.

Hi Helen. Thank you for being so transparent and brave to share. You have no idea how helpful your letter has been helpful and validated my own experience and some of the choices I have made. I wish for you continued peace and happiness. I totally understand why you had to let go. That step couldn't have been easy for you. Peace and Safety can not be understated. Emotional welfare and health is important. You did what you had to do. I do not understand some of the hostility directed at you by some in this stream over a letter that was not even sent where you were simply sharing your own experience as an abused child in an adult voice. Not everyone should have children. Your letter is an important pov and has nought to do with intolerance.

I totally agree "not everyone should have children "
What a lovely, positive, supportive post
Thinking of everyone coping with estrangement on the first day of this new year xx

Let's hope that 2025 brings all who are peace and happiness.

The OP says she has found "unconditional love" with her husband. Personally, I don't think there's any such thing. Unless possibly from a dog.

Seems like an unkind thing to say, flappergirl. The OP is probably long gone but you still got a snide comment on so good for you.

flappergirl User is right that was unkind. I had unconditional love from my husband until the day he died . We went through a lot together but he was always there for me and I him.

Whiff

flappergirl User is right that was unkind. I had unconditional love from my husband until the day he died . We went through a lot together but he was always there for me and I him.

So did I Whiff - DH loved me, unconditionally, until the day he died. As I did him. 🙂

But, you and I both had wonderful marriages, and, obviously, not everyone does. 😉

I have had unconditional love, from my husband, my mother and father and my best friend, now dead. It must be very sad not to have had that. You do have to be the person to give it too though. To have an open heart.

Another one here who had unconditional love from the best husband in the world.
As for my mother she left me on Paddington Station when I was 6 (no jokes please) my father picked me up after only probably 5 minutes. When I was about 40 I wrote her a short letter telling her about my life, address obtained from her brother. Had a reply telling me not to contact her again I reminded her of the worst time of her life!!
Also contacted her daughter my half sister who has also blanked me…am I that awful!
Thanks for reading.