Is “ No Contact “ abuse ?

She also cried on a coach trip and had to be comforted, when my dad got on and she saw his hair was down to his collar.
She thought he had become a hippy!

It's so good to have you back on GN MissA .

Oh thank you.

MissAdventure

I'm sure it hurt my mum, looking back on it now.
Apparently, nan cried that her boy knew nothing about the "birds and bees" when he and mum decided to marry.
I think he was 29!

Dear me MisAdventure ..... funnily enough my MIL ws a bit like that with the handbag stuff and similar. I just ignored it and smiled and we developed a friendly relationship with some definite boundaries established, for many years. Must have hurt your mum though.

Smileless2012

It's so good to have you back on GN MissA .

Yes it is!

I can always remember seeing my nan, so I assume my mum must have been very tolerant of her shenanigans, even if it hurt her.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Did your m.i.l. used to say 'I'm not staying' too Madgran? My m.i.l. never did because she always stayed regardless and never did the handbag thing either but my goodness, her body language could say it all.

With Mr. S. and the boys seeing m.i.l. without me, I no longer had to tolerate her shenanigans. Your mum did well MissA.

Well she couldnt say that Smileless as they drove 75 miles to visit! And my FiL plonked himself down, loved the food and raved about it and generally enjoyed himself. MiL always "couldnt eat" whatever was on the table as it didnt "agree with her" and then after minute portions on her plate would have second large helpings of everything!!

Whenever we visited I was always hugely complimentary of the cooking although as I don't eat meat (dislike the texture) and this was ignored and dismissed as as "a fad" ...(not eaten it since I was 20) ...I did used to quietly pop it on my husband's plate and eventually just left it on the side and if it was mentioned would just say "I don't eat meat as I dont like the texture but it must be beautifully cooked as everyone else has an empty plate!" She gave up in the end!

No arguments just quiet sticking to my own boundaries and didn't question her boundaries unless they interfered with mine! When it came to the kids it got a bit difficult when money was given to "the boy who will carry the name on" and nothing given to our daughter...Mr Madgran and I quietly informed that unless the children were treated equally neither would get anything and the reasons would be explained to grandson (he was 4 at the time!). It never happened again! 😏

Well yes, having driven such a long way to say she wouldn't be staying wouldn't have worked would it.

Your f.i.l. sounds like he was a lovely chap. His behaviour showing just how bad his wife's was, subtle but effective. Good for him.

He was lovely. He adore her. She wasn't all bad but very needy for attention which he gave her in spades do I supposed that is why it worked. And they produced a lovely son!!

And they produced a lovely son!! as did my in laws Madgran; aren't we lucky.

We are!

She did have a habit of giving me presents that I had watched her unwrap the year before as well, given to her by my BiL/SiL or by friends of theirs! So out of date chocolates; out of date jams and chutneys and such like. Always got thanked with a smile! Couldn't be bothered to get offended or feel disrespected or whatever; far more interested in supporting Mr Madgran who got on very well with his dad and rather preferred to tolerate his mothers foibles for the sake of his dad!

I did slightly struggle not to just laugh at the stunningly awful very short nylon polka dot baby doll pyjamas in shocking pick just after we got married though .... lord knows that that was all about or where she got them from ...they were Size 18 and I was a Size 10!!! ;)

Oh Madgran I'm sorry but the out of date gifts you knew she'd been given did make me laugh, not to mention the over sized "very short nylon polka dot baby doll pyjamas in shocking pink". Any chance of a pic of you modelling them? .

Er no ...no phones then with cameras and anyway I never actually put them on. They went to a charity shop. Hope someone enjoyed them!

On a more serious note though ... there is a pen picture in this little scenario about how different responses illicit different results.

She behaved the same with my SIL who got very upset and hurt and just could not manage to ignore it/calmly make appropriate comments to keep boundaries without giving much attention' or just laugh it off. ( she is a nice woman and we have always got on well, just a very different personality and also 15 years older than me. She would ask me what to do and I would talk her through it and model but but it was just something she couldn't manage, always started crying and feeding the attention wanted, I suppose!)

My BIL ( her husband) was also 15 years older than MrM and a very different personality - , challenging every small thing that it could be possible to be offended by and generally drawing red lines all over the place for his mother to promptly step over. It was his way of dealing with it which is fair enough but not very successful I'm afraid.

They ended up on very very low contact with his parents which seriously upset him regarding his dad and probably would have been completely estranged eventually if his Mum hadn't died suddenly! A shame really.

In that context I don't think the very low contact or even No contact if it become that would be abuse per se, with reference to the OP question.

I am well aware that I could easily have been quite reasonably offended/hurt etc but really couldn't see the point and I was more concerned to focus on Mr M maintaining whatever he wished to with his parents without additional angst!

Maybe that comparison of outcomes might be useful/helpful/food for thought for others who are thinking about how to avoid low contact/estrangement.

Someone who was a size 18 with no fashion sense perhaps.

I agree that in that context low or no contact would be abuse. I don't see either as always being abuse, for me it depends on the context.

If it's because the one going no contact does so to hurt and/or punish then I believe it is abuse. If it's because someone is manipulating and controlling someone to get them to go no contact, then for me that is abuse not just of the one who ends up with no contact, but also the one maneuvered into taking that decision.

Smileless2012

Someone who was a size 18 with no fashion sense perhaps.

I agree that in that context low or no contact would be abuse. I don't see either as always being abuse, for me it depends on the context.

If it's because the one going no contact does so to hurt and/or punish then I believe it is abuse. If it's because someone is manipulating and controlling someone to get them to go no contact, then for me that is abuse not just of the one who ends up with no contact, but also the one maneuvered into taking that decision.

I see your points Smileless.

Context is all. Behaviours are all, from either side. Every case is different and there are no hard and fast answers to any of it are there.

Life would be a lot easier if we had hard and fast answers to all aspects of all relationships wouldn't it""

I agree that in that context low or no contact would be abuse.

...oh and Im not sure if this was a typo but I actually said I don't think, in that context, it would be abuse per se. It would be the understandable and rather sad outcome of behaviours on both sides that almost inevitably pushed the relationships in that direction.

No it was my typing error Madgran not yours, I should have said 'would not be abuse'. Bugger, and I read it through before pressing 'post message'.

It can either be excused by old age (does being 63 count), needing to go to Spec Savers or both.

Smileless2012

No it was my typing error Madgran not yours, I should have said 'would not be abuse'. Bugger, and I read it through before pressing 'post message'.

It can either be excused by old age (does being 63 count), needing to go to Spec Savers or both.

No worries. Probably both ...I do the same! 🤣

Oh no, does that mean that at 63 I've reached old age?

Smileless2012

Oh no, does that mean that at 63 I've reached old age?

I'm 69 and decrepit!

Smileless

My late great-grandfather refused to go to the senior citizens' drop-in centre in his community. He called it the Drop Dead Centre and said it was for old guys. He was 83

Who said that Madgran, it isn't true

That's funny agnurse. When Mr. S's maternal GM was in her 80's she used to help out a neighbour because she was old; her neighbour was younger than she was.