Estranged daughter and my will

The legacy will be a fractured relationship between your daughters. These can go on for generations, as I know from my own family ancestry. Be the one who breaks this wound to your family and keep trying with your big girl. It is never too late.

@Southwestgran. It was very interesting reading your post.
My estranged daughter has kept the grandchildren away from us for many years. When we took Birthday gift up to the house she kept us on the door step, didnt invite us in,her father was dying of cancer. It hurt him so much he finally wrote to her and said how hurt he was and couldn't cope with his illness and treatment.He had a reply go away and have a nice life. Not long after he passed away, I cannot forgive how her,how she treated him. I still send gifts to the grandchildren but I am thinking of stopping it as I have no response from them. She said she had a lovely child hood, so it's very hard to understand.
The answers on here are very insightful.

Sorry if this offends anyone.
If one of my adult children estranged me for several years there is no way I would want them to inherit anything I owned. With all the hurt estrangement causes I couldn't then gift them anything. They weren't there for me when I needed them for company, opinions, laughter and sad times so why would I reward then when I die.
So I think the OP should leave everything to her other daughter and grandchildren.

You do not say what the relationship between your daughters is, and whatever it is, leaving the one daughter out of your will is very likely to prejudice the sisters 'relationship.

You may feel that their relationship is so damaged already that nothing can make it worse, but you did not say that.

From one point of view, your estate is yours and you can do precisely what you please with it.

The liklihood is that whatever you decide someone will be dissatisfied with the result.

In your place, my major concern would be your daughters' relationship to each other in the future.

Lindylou23

@Southwestgran. It was very interesting reading your post.
My estranged daughter has kept the grandchildren away from us for many years. When we took Birthday gift up to the house she kept us on the door step, didnt invite us in,her father was dying of cancer. It hurt him so much he finally wrote to her and said how hurt he was and couldn't cope with his illness and treatment.He had a reply go away and have a nice life. Not long after he passed away, I cannot forgive how her,how she treated him. I still send gifts to the grandchildren but I am thinking of stopping it as I have no response from them. She said she had a lovely child hood, so it's very hard to understand.
The answers on here are very insightful.

My late husband’s adult children were the same.

One was a gambling/alcohol addict, constantly threatening us with estrangements if we didn’t hand over money. We didn’t, so were bounced in and out of estrangement for 18 years.

The other one rarely bothered and freely admitted that he found old people a burden.

Both said they’d had great childhoods - so no excuse.

My late husband cut both out of his will, as have I..

Anything I’ve got will go to my adult children - who have shown us nothing but love and support. His children are reaping the rewards of what they sowed. They got nothing and are now out of my life.

No regrets here. 🙂

Yes, I agree with those who think of the relationships, particularly between siblings, that may be affected in future by your decisions regarding your will, one way or another.

Estrangement from parents caused by one child is likely to have caused great distress amongst siblings. Often attempts to build bridges with the estranger will have been attempted and rejected. The siblings relationship may be permanently broken. The adult children who look after, support and love each other and their parents, may resent the awful pain caused by the estranger. This isn’t a prodigal son scenario, where an adult child was a wayward young person, recognises that, acknowledges the pain caused and hoped to be accepted back into the family.
Inheritance in these circumstances - what purpose does it serve

The daughter has made a choice, surely she would refuse the inheritance.

My son cut me out of his life 16-years ago. There is nothing for him in my Will.

On the other hand, Iam64, some EACs have maintained loving relationships with their siblings, who may be hurt on their behalf, despite the family rift.

I suppose, in that case, they’d come to a fair arrangement between them regarding the will.

That’s true Delia

There isn't really a right or wrong, it's just necessary to look at the potential repercussions and our own motivations carefully

Because any good person and good parent does need to know all the potential outcomes to find a decision the feels good for them

If the daughter has cut her parents if surely it would be hypocritical to want their money. The other daughter can except her inheritance knowing she has been left it with cutting her parents of . They can’t reward the estranged daughter as she no longer wants them as her family. The other child must see that as well.

I was going to say the same Delila. If an inheriting AC feels their sibling's been unfairly treated then they could make their own arrangements once the will has been enacted.

On the other hand as Iam has pointed out, the AC who has been a constant in their parents lives may resent the estranging sibling being a beneficiary.

It's impossible to know what the outcome may be so all we can do is what we believe to be right for us and our particular circumstances.

We made our decision about 4 years into our estrangement. Today I witnessed a friend's signature on her new will and as ours was re done about 7 years ago, took the solicitor's business card as we've been thinking about having them checked for peace of mind.

She told my friend that her's was pretty straightforward and I said ours are less so, due to being estranged by our youngest son. She said that 50% of her current clients updating their wills are doing so because they've been estranged by an AC.

As I posted earlier, it is not any easy decision to make and certainly not one that I'm sure many EP's ever envisaged having to make.

Smileless2012

Why would you assume that estrangement is never due to the influence of a third party Norah just because that wasn't the case with your s's.i.l.?

There have been numerous cases here on GN over the years where this has been the case.

I assume estrangements are never due to influence of another because I believe we all have free will. This is not a belief because of our sils, it's a belief I hold because as a Christian I believe everyone has the ability to decide for themselves (unless no mental capacity) on all range of problems/issues.

Our sils were example - nothing more.

Thank you for clarifying that you said and meant in your earlier post you do assume estrangements are never because of the influence of a third party Norah.

If only life was so simple Norah.

Even free will can be influenced by all sorts of factors which need to be taken into consideration, otherwise we’d all be doing exactly as we please in every circumstance.

southwestgran

My elder daughter hasn’t spoken or contacted for four years despite me sending birthday cards and saying our door is always open. She is married but has no children. I’m close to my younger daughter who is going through a rough time with a divorce and two teenage grandchildren. I’ve always said I would treat my children the same no matter what they did but I’m now wondering if I should alter my will in favour of my daughter and grandchildren. Elder daughter has in-laws with property so they’ll benefit at some point.

Back to the post.

It seems to me the OP is of the opinion that elder daughter will receive from elder daughters in-laws. Perhaps so, perhaps not, life gets in the way (divorce, loss of property, etc). I find it odd to consider in-laws in the decision.

For me, fair and equal sends a message of love from the grave.

Coercive control became an offence in the UK in 2015 Norah. It is a recognised form of abuse and I'm sure we're all aware that victims of abuse are more often than not isolated from family and friends by their abuser, making their ability to escape their perpetrator difficult to say the least.

Coercive control contributing to estrangement is sadly not uncommon.

Smileless2012

Thank you for clarifying that you said and meant in your earlier post you do assume estrangements are never because of the influence of a third party Norah.

Correct.

You're welcome.

Smileless2012

Coercive control became an offence in the UK in 2015 Norah. It is a recognised form of abuse and I'm sure we're all aware that victims of abuse are more often than not isolated from family and friends by their abuser, making their ability to escape their perpetrator difficult to say the least.

Coercive control contributing to estrangement is sadly not uncommon.

I understand, somewhat, coercive control as an offence. Not well enough to have any opinion - other than I do believe in free will.

I do understand some people are truly held captive - say Ronnie Spector, a public figure who explained such, when finally escaping (not that one must be a public figure, she just explained well, like Tina Turner).

"I don't like my in-laws" as coercive control? I fail to understand.

Rainnsnow

If the daughter has cut her parents if surely it would be hypocritical to want their money. The other daughter can except her inheritance knowing she has been left it with cutting her parents of . They can’t reward the estranged daughter as she no longer wants them as her family. The other child must see that as well.

It's not about how the adult child feels, it's about the inheritance, they have no say if they choose to estrange

It is about the parent and any other siblings and what the issues for siblings might be

Take advice about leaving bequests in trusts for your daughter and her children. A trust would ensure that the only the daughter would benefit and not some future partner if the relationship failed. Until the grandchildren are of age, a trust would ensure that their father would not have access to the bequest as surviving next of kin should anything happen to your daughter.

Rainnsnow

If the daughter has cut her parents if surely it would be hypocritical to want their money. The other daughter can except her inheritance knowing she has been left it with cutting her parents of . They can’t reward the estranged daughter as she no longer wants them as her family. The other child must see that as well.

Well, yes, that’s my view. Why on earth would you want anything from those who have upset you so much that you have estranged them?

That just looks hypocritical and grabby.🤔