Estranged daughter and my will

MissAdventure

People are saying they would treat their children the same, are then suggesting people treat just one of theirs now.
So, just be more sneaky about favouring one.

No. Sneaky was not the intention at all.

OP: I’m close to my younger daughter who is going through a rough time with a divorce and two teenage grandchildren.

Helping AC whilst they're in difficult times is quite normal to parents and is what was suggested - not sneaky at all.

To the OP, I would caution about taking any action now that you may regret at a time when it will be too late to change.

Esmay is quite right in mentioning the Inheritance Act. Whatever case it was determined on is irrelevant as the IA is often used to contest a will. People do have to be so careful especially as there are so many second marriages and step children to consider which I am sure you all are aware of. My view on disinheriting your EAC is to leave an equal share. My own mother cut my Estranged half sisters out of her will, but I put that right by giving their shares to their children. They were so relieved and I was glad they accepted it. I also have an ES who has serious mental health issues. Despite the issues, I have been in a fortunate position to give both my son's a substantial amount 3 years ago and I gave them both an equal share. For me that was more important than worrying whether the now ES would squander it. The stakes were high believe me, but he used it to study law and did amazing despite everything. We have done our best that we can for him emotionally too but sadly he isn't well again. Neither of them will get anything else until we pass away, but they will always know how much they are loved by us. I'm sure all EP's have gone through terrible pain and still hurting as much as our EAC, but we love them unconditionally or we should do. A will, if we have money left, is the final act we can do for them, regardless of whether we are estranged or not. Money isn't everything, but it sure helps. I want to leave this planet knowing that I did everything that's feasable to help my kids one way or another. It's the thought that counts and a last act of kindness we show them.
By all means help the AC that isn't estranged whilst you are living, it's your money to spend as you wish. That's something I do too, but I keep a mental note, and make sure that if my EC needed help in the future, they would get the same regardless of whether we are estranged or not. He still lives on what we gave him and doesn't claim benefits as far as I know. Not everyone will agree on this thread, but whatever the reason for the estrangement, and whether we perceive it as beyond cruel, I personally don't agree that we all do what's right for us. I think we do what's right for them too!

karmalady posted that it takes two to tango, yes it does but it only takes one to ruin the dance and that one can be the EAC or the EP.

Yes, helping an AC out financially is quite normal, we've done that ourselves but have made sure that our other son was also given the same financial support regardless of his need. So, assisting the AC who is in your life and/or giving them a lump sum during your lifetime and not making provision for the EAC in your will so that they end up with the same %, is IMO a sneaky way of at the very least, reducing the EAC's inheritance.

Smileless2012

karmalady posted that it takes two to tango, yes it does but it only takes one to ruin the dance and that one can be the EAC or the EP.

Yes, helping an AC out financially is quite normal, we've done that ourselves but have made sure that our other son was also given the same financial support regardless of his need. So, assisting the AC who is in your life and/or giving them a lump sum during your lifetime and not making provision for the EAC in your will so that they end up with the same %, is IMO a sneaky way of at the very least, reducing the EAC's inheritance.

We attempt to be very even handed, but there have been times where the day to day money flow from us to our daughters has not been equal.

For example: one of our older daughters was faced with the death of her husband, her finances took a tumble, she needed significant help - so we did. Our other 3 daughters had stable situations with their families, we continued along giving to them our normal amounts. No attempt has ever been made to level up that one off.

I suppose a lot might depend on the size of estate. It costs a lot of money to contest a will if the original beneficiary fights the claim, and there have been several cases over the years where the costs out weighed the amount of the inheritance.

I posted this yesterday. Unconditional love is loving someone in spite of what they have done so not leaving an EAC an inheritance is not saying they are no longer loved. For me, an EAC who sees it that way and thinks they have the right to go to court says more about them than the parent(s) they estranged.

You could level that one off with your wills Norah, if you chose to do so which if of course your choice.

I know someone who was cut out of his DFs will. They were not close but not estranged. He blames his sister who did inherit and they are now estranged. The siblings future relationship is something to consider when making a will.

That's very sad Elusivebutterlfy. A pity that the son's lack of inheritance meant more to him than his relationship with his sister.

We know two brothers where this happened, the eldest blaming his brother for their mother's will but it had nothing to do with him. He did pass something on to his niece and nephews, but that wasn't good enough for his brother, he wanted something for himself too.

Smileless2012

You could level that one off with your wills Norah, if you chose to do so which if of course your choice.

Thank you.

I've never thought to what we needed to spend to subsidize her after her husband's death - I keep good books and am always fair/equal in all gifts, I'll sort that - lucky other daughters will receive a windfall.

That was our plan before being estranged as we, along with my brother, supplied the deposit for ES's first house which rolled over into the one he has now.

That is referred too in our wills as our ES being adequately provided for during our lifetime.

Norah, I don`t have estranged family but have been in your position ie one dd needed financial help. I provided that and as with all transactions, I pencilled the date into my finance notebook. When the 7 years is up then I will quietly erase it and no-one will ever need to know, it will not cause hurt to anyone

My ds was in a pickle 3 months ago, I helped and the same will happen. There has not been any levelling up, I just know when one of them needs help. I think they realise that this help can only happen once. I have one more dd and know they have no savings so if eg a funeral was needed, then I would step in for them. I am not going to randomly offer help.

My sister has done similar, her dd needs an operation and she has been fobbed off month after month. My sister has now paid for her to go privately. It is between the two of them and I am the only other one who knows

So despite saying that all children should be treated equally in a will karmalady you don't feel it necessary to treat them equally in general.

This is not a criticism BTW, just an observation.

Elusivebutterfly

I know someone who was cut out of his DFs will. They were not close but not estranged. He blames his sister who did inherit and they are now estranged. The siblings future relationship is something to consider when making a will.

That would be the deciding factor for me, Elusivebutterfly. I’d like, above all, to leave behind a united, loving family.

@karmalady, that's what we have done. My AC has made improvements to his home and used the lump sum sensibly. When this was gone, there were a few extra jobs which I paid for. I have kept a note of these costs so when I think my semi estranged son could do with extra help during my life time then he will get the same help, to the same value. He does not live a conventional lifestyle in a house but will certainly encounter maintenance problems where he lives, and I intend to help him out too. He has struggled with his mental health for a long time now but has never, ever asked for money. I have reached my limit with my AC but do safely have the same put away for my semi ES for when it's required. No 'sneaky' reducing the % either son will get in our wills. All will be 100% fair to both of them. This will happen regardless if God forbid, my semi ES eventually cuts ties completely. I did get a text on Mother's Day so there is hope. As one son is married and the other is not, I have also made the Executor my solicitor even though they would both be perfectly capable of sorting out probate. I have also recently applied for Power of Attorney just in case we can't look after our own affairs. My two lads do get on, but mental health can be challenging for time to time..

I suppose, in the end, we all have to do what we are comfortable with, in regard to our own wills, and what we choose (or not) to take from those that leave us anything. 🙂

As somebody who was left nothing I would think very carefully because my sister and I fell out because of it. I am the eldest and have always helped my mum and sister out whenever I could. When my mum died my sister wouldn't give me a copy of the will, when 6 months down the line it arrived it stated everything should be left to her ( a house on the south coast) which she has sold and I dont know where she's gone. I have no photo's of my childhood nothing to remember her by I am really hurt by my mum's behavior and the problem she's caused. We never fell out I would come back from France and treat them, meals out give money to my sister for a winter coat etc It's like I never existed.

Four years is not that long. Perhaps after an estrangement of 10 years, but even then, I could never cut a child out completely. Somehow it would be the ultimate denial of love.

Disinheriting an EAC isn't "the ultimate denial of love" M0nica.

Smilesless 👍🏻

I agree with previous comments. Help your daughter and grandchildren now as they need it.
Make sure the will leaves the same to each daughter, maybe some to grandchildren

Smileless2012

Disinheriting an EAC isn't "the ultimate denial of love" M0nica.

I tend to agree that Monica has a valid point. The child will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of their life..

Though maybe the word final would be more appropriate.

Knowledge; what knowledge? If some AC measure whether or not or how much their parents love them based on material/financial gifts, that could explain why some estrangements happen.

EAC have the final word when they estrange.

Smileless2012

Knowledge; what knowledge? If some AC measure whether or not or how much their parents love them based on material/financial gifts, that could explain why some estrangements happen.

EAC have the final word when they estrange.

we will have to agree to differ.. If estranged parents still love their children then I think they will die more happily with the knowledge that they have expressed that in their will.. It isn't really about money but intention