Estranged daughter and my will

Yes, not about money really...

As the poster above mentions, not a single photo to remember her childhood by, it's not about the "things" it's about the message being the opposite of love

It's what I expect, it's what I always already knew, I wasn't the daughter they wanted in some way, I didn't make the decisions they wanted in life, I didn't marry a person they found acceptable, I didn't give them enough reasons to feel good about themselves so I was tossed away before I walked away

Smileless2012

So despite saying that all children should be treated equally in a will karmalady you don't feel it necessary to treat them equally in general.

This is not a criticism BTW, just an observation.

your observation is incorrect smileless. They are all treated equally but quietly, no song and dance from me. They have all initially had a generous cash gift, which they have all spent wisely, that was soon after I was widowed 9 years ago and now that tax exempt . Two have needed some help during the past couple of years and I have been there for them, they never asked but as an empathetic mum, I have seen what was needed. The third will be getting the equivalent over the years as and when

We are all close and loving and kind to each other and everything will even out, even after the will

I still love my ES pascal and as an EP it's awful enough having to live with it, without some suggesting he isn't loved because we've chosen to disinherit him.

I don't know if I'll die happily or not, but I do know I'd have died a lot more happily if he'd still been in my life.

He will receive a letter in our wills, assuring him of our love. It's up to him whether or not he chooses to believe it.

I think it doesn't work saying the EAC are measuring love in terms of material things and financial gifts because the person cutting them out of the will is also doing that when they cut them out by saying "you didn't earn it"

I was thr elder child who was disinherited,my Mother was a toxic woman who was aided and abetted by my sister who got the whole inheritance. She was a greedy horror.
I did not feel bad at the time, but as years passed in my head I was angry at her.
If you are going to disinherited your son smileless I urge you not to leave a letter saying how much you love him,especially as you have disinherited him, it just rubs salt in the wound. I was spared that thank God.

VioletSky you don't earn an inheritance. If that was the case people who leave their inheritance to say a cat home does that mean the cats earned the money. No of course not . Who we leave any inheritance is up to us. And anyway who's to say any parent will leave anything to their children in the end if their property and all the parents savings have to be used for their care until they die.

Even before my son estranging me both him and his sister said the same thing they didn't want any inheritance and I was to spend money on myself.

Even though estranged from my son and daughter in law. I am proud both couples my daughter and son in law . As both couples paid for their own weddings and brought their own homes and do everything they do without any financial help from me as I have never been in the position to help them . My husband died 20 years ago aged 47 when the children where 20 and 16. But we had put the money aside for their education which was used up.

That's exactly what I am saying Whiff we shouldn't act like an inheritance must be earned by our children...

That's an awful can of worms isn't it?

An inheritance is a gift. It's not something that's earned, it's not a right, it's a gift. Why would someone want or expect to receive a gift from someone they've chosen to have nothing to do with?

There will be photographs left to our ES.

Why is leaving a letter telling your ES rubbing salt in the wound? Maybe leaving an inheritance could be regarded as rubbing salt in the wound too, who knows.

As I've already posted, it's bad enough living with being estranged without being told that if you disinherit your EAC, you don't love them, are wanting to have the last word etc.

Why would you send a letter to someone after passing that you wouldn't send while still alive?

Why leave an "I love you letter" in a will? It doesn't make any sense as something intended to do good

Either send it now or don't do it would be my advice

It's just having the last word really isn't it?

It's petty

I don't suppose it does make sense to you VS but you're not estranged from a child of your own and you're not me are you.

There's no need to be hurtful VS, surely you can disagree without being so.

It's your last legacy Smileless it matters

Love is shown throughout our lifetimes

If love is the message then send it now

Love is love, even if we don't get it back

Inheritance is most definitely a gift. We have threads on this forum that are very upsetting to read about Grandparents Christmas and birthday gifts being returned with a note to say don’t send any more.

Gifts being returned to grandparents by EAC saying they are being harassed. It’s heartbreaking and cruel.

Why is an inheritance a gift of money any different?

And would these EAC accept it anyway.

I’d leave their share to the grandchildren to be given at an age when they are able to accept the gift.

The grandchildren the innocents in estrangement.

Imagine it were the other way around. Sometimes children do not outlive us. If your son left you an "I love you" letter behind now, how would you feel? Because I think it would hurt. I think you would wonder about all those years you just wanted an unconditional "I love you".

And that is an unconditional "I love you" letter, it would be entirely easy to slip some ifs or buts in there which would throw salt all over the place

Inheritance isn’t a “right” nor is it an entitlement. It’s a gift.

Currently, my will is split equally between my 2 children, but that’s in my scenario of us all getting along, and offering each other love and support in life.

But, if that changed, long term, then all things would change.

I was estranged from my ex MIL and turned down whatever she’d left me. I just wasn’t interested. Why would I be?

I didn’t want to know her in life, and I didn’t want to profit from her death.

Seems odd (to me) to expect something from someone you’d ignored for years.

The other thing is that care costs (at home or in a home) soon hoover up assets or cash - so it may mean that I can’t leave them a thing.

I hope not - but who knows?😉

So how does it work?

Gifts are given to those we love and care for.

Through life child A spent more time with parent than child B so how is the split worked out?

Child A married someone we like and child B didn't so how is the split worked out?

Child A never argued with us but child B did so how is the split worked out?

If you are saying that the entitlement to a gift is measured by the strength of the relationship then there must logically be a scale?

I can understand saying, no relationship, no inheritance but then, why on earth prove there is a relationship by sending a letter thus showing the estranged child they were loved but are being punished?

Either there is a relationship or there isn't. If there isn't and there is no inheritance then there should be no letter either and both parties should simply move on

Love is love even if we dont get it back
That is exactly what the letter Smileless intends to send to her ES will underline.

Exactly Granniesunite. EP's/EGP's who send letters, cards and gifts are accused of stalking but I guess it's OK to 'stalk' from the grave by leaving an inheritance.

We considered leaving a gift to our GC and decided on the memory box. We don't know if leaving them money would impact negatively on their relationship with their parents.

I wouldn't want to be left something by someone I'd estranged either DL

We're not talking about one child spending more time with their parent(s) than another VS. We're talking about a child who chooses to walk away from their parents and have nothing more to do with them.

We've made our decision and are comfortable with it, some EP's will do the same and others wont but it is not for you are anyone else to judge whether or not we love the children who have estranged us.

Thank you Namsnanny that's exactly right. It is after all what unconditional love is isn't it.

Namsnanny

^Love is love even if we dont get it back^
That is exactly what the letter Smileless intends to send to her ES will underline.

Then why not send it now?

There is no positive outcome for anyone sending it in a will

Can you not see that?

Maybe because sending it now would open a can of worms that the EP prefers to remain closed VS.

Maybe because that could give the impression that the EP is seeking some kind of reconciliation, when they're not.

Maybe because the EP doesn't want to hear from their EAC and a letter could prompt them to get in touch.

Maybe because the EP fears the response they may get.

If it's a positive thing for an EP to do and know that they've done, who are you to say it isn't.

VioletSky they don't send the letter now because they have already reached out to that child many times and cannot cope with yet another rejection. If the estranged child is going to be bothered by being told after their parent has died that they were always loved - maybe even experiencing feelings of regret - they shouldn't have estranged that parent in the first place and reinforced the estrangement for many years

Well at least that is honest and that the desired outcome is for the EPs benefit only and is indeed a "last word"

If how their adult child will feel recieving it is of no consequence and a potential harmful outcome is worth what the estranged parent will get out of it... Whatever that is... I guess that's their responsibility

How long have you been reading the E threads?
Perhaps you have missed reading about the ups and downs of Smileless relationship with the son who eventually estranged her and her husband?
Can you be sure she hasnt tried to reach out (hate the phrase!).
Why should she post about it or tell you?