Estranged daughter and my will

I am unlikely to outlive my mother and I will not be doing this in any form

VioletSky

Well at least that is honest and that the desired outcome is for the EPs benefit only and is indeed a "last word"

If how their adult child will feel recieving it is of no consequence and a potential harmful outcome is worth what the estranged parent will get out of it... Whatever that is... I guess that's their responsibility

Perhaps you aren't aware that in very many estrangements the estranger will have called all the shots and the estranged has no option but to "put up and shut up". They will have spent many years avoiding things incase they have a"harmful outcome". Apparently you are saying they are not even allowed to say how they feel after they are dead!

How they feel now?

So not simply just "I love you"?

I don't think it's very healthy no...

VioletSky

How they feel now?

So not simply just "I love you"?

I don't think it's very healthy no...

Yes how they feel now - as in how they have always loved that child. Noone is suggesting they leave a fully detailed description of all their feelings since estrangement began (except you)

VioletSky

I am unlikely to outlive my mother and I will not be doing this in any form

This is your decision and you are happy with that.

Please allow others to make their own decisions in a very painful and difficult situations.

We may be estranged parents VS, but we are also human beings, I love my sister and other people in my life, but I certainly wouldn't accept the treatment dished out to me by my EC from them... so why should I accept it from my child.?
As has been stated by many on these threads, communications have been tried and rebuffed, EC have been told how much they are loved and missed, what they then do is their choice, as is mine.
As you constantly remind us, people's choices should not be challenged and must be respected, I respect my EC choice, they will have to respect mine !!

Well I don't think it's very healthy in all cases for EAC to estrange their parents VS. If not receiving an inheritance, not receiving a letter of reassurance that they were loved or receiving a letter a letter that says they were isn't healthy for them, then that raises the question if what they chose to do was healthy for them.

Just because for some EAC how their parents received being estranged was of no consequence to them the EAC, doesn't mean that how those EAC receive the news of their parents death, and anything that may be left to them or not, is of no consequence to the EP.

As EP's we cannot spend the rest of our lives wondering how what we do or don't do may or may not affect our ES's life. We've had to move on and rebuild our lives without him because this is what he wanted, not us.

We're responsible for our own happiness and peace of mind, and he has to be responsible for his.

I respect my EC choice, and they will have to respect mine or not Bridie but that's up to them isn't it.

Why do you guys go back and forth with VS ? It seems to be what she wants.

How can anyone say they have moved on and rebuilt when they are planning an event to happen in the future?

I've been estranged by family members and I've been estranged from family members by my mother..

It would actually be nice if people here could look past the fact that I estranged an abusive person in discussion... Unless you allow your estrangement to define you, it is unacceptable to in any way use mine to define me. Using it to try and shut down discussion won't work...

I am coming to the discussion as the healthy person in that relationship

As an estranged adult child, I expect nothing from my parents. If my mother send a letter and no inheretence, I would not be surprised. I would turn down any inheretence I was given because it means nothing. If a letter comes and she's alive I will return to sender. If she's dead, I would probably shred it without opening it.

She doesn't love me, she just wants me to feel bad. I wouldn't expect her behavior to change because she is dying.

A letter says when we were no contact says "Look at how much I love my daughter even though she's shitty and deserves nothing because she abandoned me."

My mother could never acknowledge anything beyond her own wants and needs though. She would say or do whatever she wanted, claim it was for my sake, and then act surprised when I wasn't happy. In the end it was actually about her.

Any inheritance will be distributed with the purpose of making her feel good.

Lots of people say they love their child unconditionally and clearly don't know what that means. Saying it doesn't make it true.

As the estranged daughter I was glad I was spared the letter.

Doesn't make it untrue either!User 138562

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Bridie22

Debs 8, its just a mind game to VS, she likes to stir the pot and then flounce away.

Would you mind explaining this comment further?

I'm engaging in a discussion the same as anyone else here an only working to help others either have a healthy relationship or move on from one in a healthy way.. as I have myself with support on this forum

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I'm in that position too, my eldest daughter hasn't spoken to me for 6 years so I changed my will to have her share go straight to her children to be managed by my younger two children until they are 25.

Grossly unfair deletions Gransnet, VS has had many complaints about her behaviour, and we should have the same right as her to comment and react

Obviously someone reported …

VioletSky

Bridie22

Debs 8, its just a mind game to VS, she likes to stir the pot and then flounce away.

Would you mind explaining this comment further?

I'm engaging in a discussion the same as anyone else here an only working to help others either have a healthy relationship or move on from one in a healthy way.. as I have myself with support on this forum

I confess to finding it difficult to see your healthy relationship ability demonstrated during discussions on estrangement VioletSky. Posts in the recent part of this debate seem to me to be provocative and goady, you get the response you seek then press the report button

Wasn’t me GSM though I fear my response might be next.

As I said, I am engaging in the discussion the same as anyone else, trying to support others to either have healthy relationships or move on in a healthy way... On a forum that supported me in the same way

People don't always agree with me and that is always ok, people don't always agree in ways that are very personal and actually unfair/untrue but I won't retaliate

Smileless2012

Exactly Granniesunite. EP's/EGP's who send letters, cards and gifts are accused of stalking but I guess it's OK to 'stalk' from the grave by leaving an inheritance.

We considered leaving a gift to our GC and decided on the memory box. We don't know if leaving them money would impact negatively on their relationship with their parents.

I wouldn't want to be left something by someone I'd estranged either DL

We're not talking about one child spending more time with their parent(s) than another VS. We're talking about a child who chooses to walk away from their parents and have nothing more to do with them.

We've made our decision and are comfortable with it, some EP's will do the same and others wont but it is not for you are anyone else to judge whether or not we love the children who have estranged us.

Well, yes, apparantly, estrangement no longer counts when the Will is read.🙄. I have seen this do many times, over the years.

Elderly parents ignored/estranged, and the minute they die, we can hear the screech of tyres with the family turning up to see what they’ve got.🙁

As you probably remember, my late DH had left both of his children a substantial amount. All good.

However, by the time he died, and despite my pleading with them, they had treated him so disgracefully that he reached a point of cutting them out completely. He left the money to those that had loved and cared for him.

They sulked and cut me off when that happened, (an added bonus!), but, hopefully, they now understand that we reap what we sow.

Better to treat people well in life than waste energy fretting about their money when they’ve gone.

I wouldn’t think for one moment it was you, Iam.

VioletSky

As I said, I am engaging in the discussion the same as anyone else, trying to support others to either have healthy relationships or move on in a healthy way... On a forum that supported me in the same way

People don't always agree with me and that is always ok, people don't always agree in ways that are very personal and actually unfair/untrue but I won't retaliate

With respect, VS, if you’re not estranged from your kids, which I’m assuming you’re not, this conversation is more about older people who are estranged from their kids/stepkids. And what they doing with their Wills. Not really something you’re having to deal with.

They are the only ones who are walking the walk.