Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

Thank you for your kind response. I’ve nicely mentioned I’d love to be included in a family album or a text occasionally to see how grandbaby is changing. It’s hasn’t happened and I waited until 2 months to ask the first time. I Will be patient and pray I can know and see my grandson more than a couple times a year. If no change, I know I need to accept and not let my hurt go further, yet offering up forgiveness.

Thank you💙

Forgiveness? They have done nothing requiring forgiveness!

Or are you asking to be forgiven?

It might help you Grammie if you can adopt a much more relaxed, laid-back attitude. It sounds as though that may not come naturally to you, but people often respond well when they find that you’re not pushing too hard. Try sending chatty texts or WhatsApp’s, don’t ask for anything in return, just light-hearted keeping in touch now and then. You may find your son and DIL will take the initiative & contact you more as a result, which may lead to photos, even invitations.

Grammie2

Yes he works dil stays home. I’ve offered to help out multiple times and asked to visit, been denied since the beginning months.

Please try not to get upset and don’t stop asking them over - next time ask them to name a convenient date then message your son separately and tell him how much you miss him and how excited you would be to see them ALL. Your DiL may just be very sensitive and be offended by you and you don’t know either, so some kind, but direct communication may be needed. Why not send her some flowers, wishing her well, no apology from you, as there’s no need.

I do wish you luck and please don’t feel offended by any of us Gransnetters, some of us are very plain speakers and no one is being horrid or nasty intentionally.

Delila

It might help you Grammie if you can adopt a much more relaxed, laid-back attitude. It sounds as though that may not come naturally to you, but people often respond well when they find that you’re not pushing too hard. Try sending chatty texts or WhatsApp’s, don’t ask for anything in return, just light-hearted keeping in touch now and then. You may find your son and DIL will take the initiative & contact you more as a result, which may lead to photos, even invitations.

This is a good approach. Forget about prayers and offering up forgiveness - if any of that worked, we’d have much less global and historical tragedy and pain. But it hasn’t worked yet.

Try to be light, chatty, laid back and happy - you might find they respond better.

But, bear in mind that women, if they have a good relationship with their mothers, often gravitate more towards them, after childbirth, than their MILs.

All quite normal - just keep life chatty for now.🙂

I spared the details to respect my dil, but sadly she’s done some false accusations and created drama. I apologized even though I did nothing and sought advice from 2 spiritual mentors and I paid a Christian counselor for a few sessions to work thru shock & hurt. I never had any problems with relationships before in my 60+ years nor have I had much experience with a young adult girl or uncalled for division. I’ve had good communication with all of my adult male children. This past year has been very difficult. To protect against gossip, privacy I won’t give the nitty gritty. So… I have had to extent much grace and forgiveness and it seems the exclusion aspect is continuing and it’s the reason I wrote about on this forum. I do feel some comments are insensitive. I can handle knowing the entire story.

Thank you for your opinion. My text aren’t answered sadly. I’ve stopped reaching out

Perhaps just focus on getting on with your son. You raised him and understand him. Let this problem with your dil pass, wait patiently.

I’ve tried flowers 3 times in the past, calling (stopped) social media encouraging responses to posts, gifts in mail, apology when didn’t feel did anything wrong (paid counsel for advice here & two trusted spiritual mentors in case I was blinded) and the consensus is I have done much and all concluded maybe one day dil will change and since she’s young and some things done are immature actions. And, I’ve said in plain words what can I do seems u don’t want a relationship. I believe people’s behavior speaks a language and theirs (son in middle) say we don’t want you in our lives. Thus my heartbreak over exclusion and lack of connection currently with son & grandson.

Your son isn’t in the middle though. Your son is an adult, husband and father. He has left and cleaved to his wife. By talking about him being in the middle you are sowing dissension.

You speak very poorly of your Dil; calling her immature, a girl. I struggle to believe she is unaware of how you feel about her.

Would you have wanted to spend time with someone who disliked you so much in her shoes?

My youngest daughter lives a 3 hour drive away - and no, I don't see them that often, maybe three times a year. She can't do the journey just with the two small grandsons, so my son-in-law has to come too. They always stay over and return the next day - or sometimes on the Monday after a weekend here. If I go by train, I'll leave early and return in the evening, making it a long and tiring day. Sometimes we'll meet up halfway, along with other family members (easier in the summer) and that makes a big difference to journey times. Somebody has to plan these days, though, and it's usually her sister, the self-appointed organiser of the family. My sons simply wouldn't get around to anything without her input. It's open house here, so that helps.

I’ve been nothing but kind to her never saying anything negative to my son about her. I did say immature on this post I really don’t know a better word to use, it’s my husband, counselor, best friend word really, they used this word to give me faith she’s young and with time will mature and be kinder.

I realize my son has cleaved as well as my other sons. It’s my proudest job, that they’re all raised self reliant hard workers males

You’re blessed. Do you have contact in between? If I did, it would feel like less of estrangement/exclusion. I’m moving onward with other opportunities in my life and my faith is a big part of life. I yearn to be more connected to my grandson. My 3 closest friends are with their grandkids daily and weekly.

I am a Christian but I find your references to consulting spiritual mentors and a counsellor about this issue really odd - likewise all the flowers, gifts and apologies. This child is only 8 months old but in that space of time you have gone to extraordinary lengths, I would say to the point of obsession. I fear you have a problem which requires professional help. Please see your doctor about it. Your behaviour is not normal or healthy.

Your close friends see their grandchildren frequently because they live nearby. You don’t. Nor do I. Accept the situation. Your life doesn’t depend on seeing your grandchild frequently. Whatever would you do if your grandchild lived on the other side of the world? As I said before, count your blessings and be grateful for what you have.

Are you always just commenting about your grandson and pics etc? I ask because ended up being NC with my MIL - she got very territorial over my baby, overstepped boundaries, was a baby hogger and never tried to get to know more about me, ask how I was or anything. It was like I was an incubator for HER grandchild. It became unbearable so she hasn't even met my second. I'm not saying you're that bad but have you focused on your relationship with DIL instead of your grandchild? I expect her mother will see LO more because her and her daughter have a strong bond and relationship and the maternal grandmother seeing more of her grandchild will be a consequence of that strong relationship.

Maybe u aren’t someone who sends flowers for occasions like birthday, day give birth, just because thinking of u in a 8 month period not weird or obsessive to seek counseling when someone hurts you. I haven’t even brought up issue with 3 bible study groups. I was feeling lonely this weekend and reading estranged stories on here, never posted on forum before. I can say I appreciate the opinions of those saying don’t invite self in future and will heed, but u, saying a person trying to seek peace who has gotten advice is obsessed, I find unkind. I will probably never use a forum again because of your comments. You don’t know whole story or how I was mistreated. I will move on and not let you bring me down.

These 23 year olds are way wiser than given credit by the OP

They have good heads on their shoulders

Yes, I have tried but without reciprocation. I was excited to have a comfortable relationship that i could help out, babysit if ever needed, just know milestones, instead crickets. I’m sad and certainly have never interfered or crossed boundaries like you described.

Yes please don’t hold one comment about one person as a perceived standard or judgment for others

The flowers, gifts, etc are too much. The requests are too much. I imagine the frequent mentions of religion are also too much if they aren't equally religious.

They clearly don't like it. Take their behavior as evidence that your constant gifts and apologies you don't actually mean are unwelcome.

If you back off it will likely improve. If you've read other threads here you will see that this kind of advice is frequently given in your situation.

I would suggest listening to dissenting opinions because your methods don't seem to be working. You may not think so but from an outside perspective, this is obsession.

I find your "false claims" vague story to be suspicious. Regardless, this is the woman that your son had a baby with and is committed to so I would suggest moving on.

I think some if the responses a bit hard, she’s a new Nan and naturally want to see her grandchild. . Poster does need to pull back though as the couple are young and new parents and won’t take kindly to any type of pressure.. . In a lot of relationship the man’s mother takes a back seat I’m afraid. I never expected to be treated same as my dil’s mother but I do have a good relationship with her when we see each other, she doesn’t call in to see me or invite me over but that’s just how it is.