Advice needed - Daughter-in-law

False claims, so you don’t respect me not dragging up someone’s dirty laundry? It wasn’t the issue I wanted advice on, reread OP. How to handle my feelings being excluded and feeling sad about not talking negatively more about dil.

Grammie don’t be upset and don’t leave the forum. You are hurting. …. it’s your first GC and ofcourse, you want to be more involved. Be patient. I am surprised your son/d.i.l. hasn’t sent you pictures of the baby. I can well imagine how hurtful it is when you see pictures of the baby with the other grandma. She probably lives nearer . Are you in the USA ? Not that it matters. I hope you things change - be positive towards your d.i.l. Look at the good things. Does she make your son happy? Is she a good mother ? That’s all that matters . Take care 🌺

You aren’t excluded though, Grammie. Things just aren’t happening in the way you want them to, or as often. The more you push the more you will be pushed away. That’s sometimes the way things work, especially when there has been conflict between people in the past. You are finding it difficult to put these things behind you, so it’s likely that your DIL is too. So my advice is still to keep your contact with her and your son light, friendly and undemanding, and infrequent for now. That might relieve some of the tension between you, but it will take time.

Grammie - of course you want to see your new GC. Perfectly normal. But, in order to try and get the relationship back on track, keeping things light, chatty, friendly and happy is probably the best way forward.

Perhaps your son could send you photos etc, and maybe FaceTime with you.

My son lives in America, with DIL, and my step grandson - the distance between the US and the UK means we can only meet, at best, once a year.

But, there are so many other ways of staying in touch now. Hopefully, the relationship between yourself/DIL will improve without the pressures.

Best wishes. 💐

I do feel so sorry for the DIL. Why should she be deemed responsible for her husband's social/family life?

Hello Grammie2
I'm sorry to hear of your distress and do hope that in time things improve.

I believe I read that you have more than one adult son - are they in contact with this little family?
I'm wondering if this son is the first to leave your area and move away?

I was married young, moved away from home and had my first baby at 21. By 23 I had moved continent to America. I was proud of our little family unit and determined to do everything either myself or with my husband. I was pleased both sets of grandparents lived hours away. I did not want help from my parents, didn't want them to babysit, help cook or clean or even just hold the baby whilst I had a bath (for example).

My love for my parents was (and is) sincere and true - but they just accidentally irritated me beyond measure with their apparent "obsession" over my baby. The offers of help were annoying (don't forget, an offer of help implies you need help), the assumption that I'd need a break from my infant were rather "ridiculous" (at least I thought so). Their ideas of parenting was different to mine and annoying.

Because I knew they loved me in an all-consuming way I believed I needed to protect my baby from this.

If there is one thing I regret as a much older woman is that my need to fiercely protect my precious new baby (and subsequent babies actually) from interference meant that I rejected offers more than I needed to and denied them joys that I could have gifted them by just gritting my teeth. Hindsight is a great thing they say.

I know my parents had THE most enormous hearts full of love - but my heart was full of love for my offspring and it felt like a duty to be a gatekeeper to the outside world.

I can't tell you how cross I would have been if someone (anyone) had invited themselves (even with a phone call) to visit. It would have implied "rights" over our precious baby.

I have always hated the way babies are passed round (like a game of pass the parcel) - I still feel cross when babies are picked up without asking the mother and still feel annoyed at the assumptions some people make about rights over access just because they are family.

So why am I sharing this?
Basically to say that even the most generous and loving offers can be received and read differently. Our history (as children and then adults) colours our reactions to being a parent.
If your son and his family are doing OK that is in part a testament to you raising him and encouraging him to grow wings, and fly.

I would encourage a building of bonds with your son and his wife. The baby is secondary and you must , I think, sit on your hands with this one.
If you can gently and with an open heart build a relationship with your son and wife, adult to adult, I think your time will come.

I hope, in this fresh new week, that you take a deep breath and see all of our posts as all our different perspectives on your sad and frustrating situation. Not as horrid and unfair responses.

Please do some soul searching and think back to when you had your first baby! It’s a scary, exciting, worrying, nerve wracking time. Maybe DiL isn’t coping as well as she’d like and doesn’t want you to know. Maybe her Mum is helping her and more relaxed about things? Maybe she lives closer? Does DiL have siblings?

Faith is a great thing, but I find your almost borderline obsession with both your religion and grandchild a bit overwhelming, maybe your son and DiL do too? Are all of your sons as fervent in their religious views as you?

Surely you should trust in God that things will work out.

As I stated before, I wish you ALL well and hope in time this relationship rebuilds and you get to spend time with your much beloved grandchild.

If not, then maybe God’s will??

Grammie2

False claims, so you don’t respect me not dragging up someone’s dirty laundry? It wasn’t the issue I wanted advice on, reread OP. How to handle my feelings being excluded and feeling sad about not talking negatively more about dil.

It's relevant because your relationship with DIL is relevant. You seem to feel entitled to a certain amount of time and attention in someone else's life. But you also have mysterious issues that justifies how you feel and discredits how she may feel. But you can't tell us that or it would invade her privacy?

If someone is making false accusations, you don't respond by demanding more time and access to their family.

To be clear, I don't care to know the details at all. I just think adding it in but being unwilling to share the details is weird. If it wasn't relevant you shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

Your faith seems central to your life, is it shared by your son and daughter in law. Praying for them to mature, to involve you more, seeking counselling from Christian mentors and a counsellor, all could alienate some young parents.
You clearly dislike your daughter in law, see your son as ‘in the middle’ but give no evidence to back that up.

May I suggest you focus on living a fulfilling life yourself rather than focussing on your grandchild and their parents? I understand your hurt and feelings of exclusion, but they are based on your expectations, which are not matched by your son and daughter-in-law.
When I had my children, many years ago, we scarcely saw the grandparents. Everyone was busy working. There were no constant texts and photos sent by phone, but it didn’t stop very loving relationships being formed and maintained. Probably you need to step back and wait for them to make the next move. By all means pray for them, but it is not up to us to tell God what to do!

Grammie, you mention the couple's priorities. I think you are right . Your son's priority at this time is his wife and child. He is much more interested in pleasing his wife than pleasing you.

It's a big change for you to cope with especially with you being so keen on the role of grandmother.

For you own good don't annoy them at this time/ Stay on friendly terms with your daughter in law even if she seems rude. You'll see, in a year or even sooner they will be less in love with themselves and their child and will have more space in their lives for the father's parent.

@Grammie2 I’ve been in a similar predicament with my son and DIL . Now the baby is finally here I have found my strategy.
This strategy is to take a huge step back , let my son come to me when he’s ready and most importantly do not apportion blame to his wife . I was worried about whether my DIL hated me for months before the birth , causing me so much unhappiness. I thought I was going to be estranged. Now I’ve stepped back my son has been making contact , proper contact with conversations etc . Texts with sign off with kisses . He tells me love you mum again. It’s early days , but nobody has been to see my grandson yet and I’m preparing to be patient . I realise that by being hurt about being excluded is leading to further unhappiness for me . I’ve had a very unhappy time recently with the sudden death of my partner and thus clouded my judgement I think . I’ll always have to learn to live alone which is very hard . By pressurising my son I was driving a wedge through our relationship. I feel that the fragile roots of us getting along are actually there now but this is probably because I’ve pulled back . So by blaming your DIL you won’t get anywhere- your son has chosen her to be his wife and if you are hostile then he will turn on you not her . I almost fell down that rabbit hole which I’m not fully out of yet , but things are improving. I can only tell you about my own experience- but I know that blaming your sons choice of partner will not end well .

Ladysuisei SO pleased you have started to see a chink of light shining through!

Wishing you many sunny 🌞 times ahead.

It seems things changed after the daughter in law became pregnant - out of wedlock. The OP is very religious - I wonder if she showed disapproval, maybe applied pressure for them to marry, and this is the source of the rift. The constant mentions of religion and the reference to ‘offering up forgiveness’ are quite overwhelming. I can’t imagine she approved of the situation, and she probably made her feelings very clear. That would alienate both her son and her daughter in law.

i think they have behaved with commendable maturity and responsibility in actually giving birth to the child conceived, staying together to raise him and making the commitment of marriage to enhance that.
OP, you need to step right back.
read some relevant posts on MN.
we here on GN are actually trying to help you to not become estranged.
that would be a much worse position for you.

Well done @ladysuisei!

I agree welbeck. The OP’s son was obviously raised a Christian with a respect for marriage. So many just don’t bother. What they have done is commendable.

ladysuisei - glad you’re finding a positive way forwards with this.👍

@DL @notspaghetti @User thanks - I’m trying to chill out a bit !! I’m finding that leaving my son to his own devices is paying off for me . It’s a shame things got quite bad before they started to improve but I suppose we have to learn . I certainly don’t blame my DIL - this is the worst path to go down .
In any case I currently have plenty worries of my own with my housing dilemma which hasn’t been resolved yet . I suppose it’s only been a few weeks but all the stress is making it feel like a few years . This is a bit of a distraction from any possible estranged related thoughts

Hetty58

I do feel so sorry for the DIL. Why should she be deemed responsible for her husband's social/family life?

It's an old sexist trope that just won't die.

OP, focus on your son.

Ladydsuisei, I am so happy so read your posts. How wonderful!

OP, Ladysuisei and many others provide some wise words here. Please take them on and be patient!

Lots of judgement, self-righteous talk and virtue signalling going on here in the comments.
Grammie2, I am not surprised you are feeling upset and exluded. DIL is being, at the very least, discourteous and unfair. Maybe it's natural for her to want her mother. But courtesy is being conscious of others' feelings and needs.
OF COURSE an infant grandchild should have the opportunity to bond with her grandmother and grandfather in her early life.
And OF COURSE a first-time grandmonther would want to spend regular time with the baby. Once in 8 months is an UNCONSCIONABLY insufficient baby time to allocate to the mother of your partner (what disrespect!) and for a son to not think of his mother's presence in his baby's life.
I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed... EVERYBODY is learning in this situation, and everybody needs to be sensitive and a bit tolerant, not just poor old Grammie.
I wouldn't be making excuses for these two thoughtless young people. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Grammie2 - it isn't any wonder you feel hurt and excluded, whatever is behind this treatment of you. However, some of the virtue signallers above are right, nevertheless... carefully have a talk with your son, ensuring no blame is laid. That would stuff things up right royally. He is your liaison with the young family, though, and your first port of call (though I hope you'll be able to begin building, step by small step, a good relationship with DIL, whether you like each other or not).
There is nothing wrong with reminding your son gently that his baby would benefit from a relationship with all his or her grandparents and that you would love to spend some time with the babe, but you need him to let you know when it's the right time to come.
Extended family is terribly important for children, and I do hope your son and partner begin to see that basic politeness would be a good place to start mending the tear in the family fabric that they haven't as yet bothered to notice.

Claennis,

"I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed..."

And there lies the problem. Other people care if their boundaries have been crossed.

People lose entire family relationships because they don't care if they cross boundaries.

Parents can and will decide for themselves who can have access and when.

There are many parents out there who find a total disregard for their boundaries or their child's boundaries to be a red flag.

This attitude ends in estrangement.

Screw around and find out I guess.

Claennis

Lots of judgement, self-righteous talk and virtue signalling going on here in the comments.
Grammie2, I am not surprised you are feeling upset and exluded. DIL is being, at the very least, discourteous and unfair. Maybe it's natural for her to want her mother. But courtesy is being conscious of others' feelings and needs.
OF COURSE an infant grandchild should have the opportunity to bond with her grandmother and grandfather in her early life.
And OF COURSE a first-time grandmonther would want to spend regular time with the baby. Once in 8 months is an UNCONSCIONABLY insufficient baby time to allocate to the mother of your partner (what disrespect!) and for a son to not think of his mother's presence in his baby's life.
I don't care whether boundaries have been crossed... EVERYBODY is learning in this situation, and everybody needs to be sensitive and a bit tolerant, not just poor old Grammie.
I wouldn't be making excuses for these two thoughtless young people. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Grammie2 - it isn't any wonder you feel hurt and excluded, whatever is behind this treatment of you. However, some of the virtue signallers above are right, nevertheless... carefully have a talk with your son, ensuring no blame is laid. That would stuff things up right royally. He is your liaison with the young family, though, and your first port of call (though I hope you'll be able to begin building, step by small step, a good relationship with DIL, whether you like each other or not).
There is nothing wrong with reminding your son gently that his baby would benefit from a relationship with all his or her grandparents and that you would love to spend some time with the babe, but you need him to let you know when it's the right time to come.
Extended family is terribly important for children, and I do hope your son and partner begin to see that basic politeness would be a good place to start mending the tear in the family fabric that they haven't as yet bothered to notice.

This is precisely why relationships breakdown. A young mother's responsibilities do not include making sure her MIL or anyone else has what they deem as sufficient time with her baby. Her job is to take care of herself, her child, and her husband. It's not being self-righteous to comprehend this, but it is incredibly entitled and self-absorbed to think your wants are her duty to fulfill.

Babies don't need to bond with anyone but their parents. Children benefit from healthy relationships with grandparents when they are older. Right now the grandparents are not nearly as important as you'd like to believe, maternal or paternal. Creating a false sense of entitlement by overstating the relationship with the infant will not help the OP. It will help her build misguided resentment that will ultimately only end badly for her. It simply isn't helpful. Women prefer to spend time with their mothers over the MILs. That's life. It's nothing to feel guilty about. OP's son's responsibility is to maintain ties here with his own side. He's the only person the OP needs to address in the matter.

So many mothers of sons say that, once their son has a partner or wife, they veer towards the other family. It is annoying and hurtful and has happened to me. But it has always been the case as far as I can see. I don't really know why it happens.