Support and friendship For Those Estranged

Jaffacake2

Emotional morning. I went on the bus to town and went to the Salvation army church service. My mum was affiliated to the army when I was a child. She never fully joined because she wouldn't sign the pledge not to drink. She liked her nips of cherry brandy ,even telling a district nurse in her latter years that it was one of her 5 fruits a day !
The music of the brass band ,the singing and the genuine kindness of people had me in floods of tears by the end of the service.
The lady captain sat down at the end over a cup of tea we talked over all the stresses I am facing. Abuse from eldest daughter,younger daughter waiting for surgery to remove an ovarian teratoma and my deteriorating state of health. She was amazing and very kind.
I've never been too sure of my religious beliefs. My father was from a Jewish family who had renounced faith due to the racists in East London in the 1930s. As I said my mum was a salvationist who would help and feed anyone in need on our rough council estate. But today I felt spiritual and by the time I got home I felt calmer and aware of an acceptance that I cannot change everything.

Is nice to know there are good people out there prepared to listen, sometimes we feel so alone, society judges us and finds us wanting, so who do we turn to?
You turned to someone and entrusted them with your story, someone who was kind to you and so gave you the strength to realise that you cannot change what is presently a toxic influence upon your life, but you can change the way you deal with this.
Take care x

Morning everyone.

That must have been a lovely experience Jaffa. As Babs says we can often feel alone when going through personal trauma, and it is good to know that there are people who will listen without judgement.

The realisation and acceptance that we cannot change things doesn't make it less painful, but does help us to move on with our lives.

We had our new friends and neighbours round for a drink last night. They wont be here during the week but will be here most weekends and we're looking forward to spending time with them.

Thanks to Mr. S., we've finally managed to work out how to set the program we want on the dish washer. So simple once you know what you're doing .

Our new neighbour knowing that I'd worked out how to use the washer/dryer, asked me to pop over yesterday and explain it to her but there's is a different make as is their dish washer. There lodge is the same make and model as ours but there are slight differences which surprised me.

I've got her instruction manual and hope to have made sense of it by the time they come back next weekend.

A good day for weather expected here today so we'll just chill. Hope you all have a good day.

Itcall sounds very encouraging Smileless, your new neighbours sound lovely.
Miss Whiff posting, know she said she had a lot planned plus a holiday.
Jaffa I am so glad that lovely Captain showed you such support and understanding. Its so important when you are going through bad times to have support, it’s surprising where it comes from at times when we,desperately need it.

Glad you've settled into your new home Smiles, does take a while to get used to the new appliances. When I first moved here, I thought my fridge freezer wasn't working, was putting all my cold stuff outside as it was winter, waiting for the repair man and decided to try putting bowls of water in and 'hay-presto' it worked!

Jaffa nice to hear you had a therapeutic chat with the Salvation army Captain. Surprising where a sympathetic listening ear comes from sometimes.

Just wondering. We continue to send presents for our GCs despite being estranged from our daughter for over ten years and not having seen them in all that time. We know that she still lives at the same address because a cousin of mine - one of only a couple of relatives on my side of the family who has remained in communication with us - has told us this. So every birthday and Xmas we send presents for them, well, they are now aged 13 and 15 so we send vouchers, always with a message wishing them happy birthday or Xmas from us. But am not sure how much longer we should do this for. We have had this conversation before and said we shouldn't do it but then we just continue. I suppose that after all the abuse we have taken from our daughter that we would rather not add to the list that we never bothered with our GCs. But it all seems a bit futile.
Our other daughters keep telling us to stop doing it, that there is no point.
Any advice would be very much appreciated here.

Btw by GCs I mean grandchildren, I get confused with all the initials. I suppose that could also mean grown children.

GC does mean grandchildren Babs.

You should acknowledge your GC's birthdays and show them you're thinking of them at Christmas because you want too, and not because you don't want to be accused by your D of never bothering with them.

My advice is to continue if doing so brings you some comfort and pleasure. We only ever sent our GC cards and when we no longer felt it was the right thing for us to continue, we stopped .

Thanx, yes I suppose it does bring us comfort and at least makes us feel there is some kind of connection, no matter how tenuous.
Xx

Morning everyone.

If it brings you comfort and a feeling of connection Babs then carry on. IMO we need to do whatever makes our lives that little bit easier, and shouldn't worry about what the AC who've estranged us think.

They are living their lives and not thinking about how their actions affect us, so why should we not remember our GC's birthdays and let them know we're thinking of them at Christmas, because of what our EAC may think.

We had a lovely day yesterday went shopping and bought 6 blinds. Two for the living room and one for the bedroom where there weren't any, and three to replace the kitchen, bathroom and en suite shower room. Those were very thin venetian blinds which I hate because they look OK but are awful to clean.

Mr. S. fitted the two in the living room and replaced the kitchen blind yesterday, and will do the other three today. He's so handy that we can buy them and he can cut them down to fit, which is much cheaper than buying 'made to measure'. We also bought two beautiful glass spherical light shades to replace the two low hanging ones above the breakfast bar; they look great .

It's amazing how a few changes and little tweaks can totally transform how something looks and feels.

Another good forecast here for today so I hope you'll all have too.

Babs Keep sending if it makes you happy to do so.

I stopped after 6yrs, as it was stopping me moving on. I have a gift bag full of b/c & Xmas cards, with a little 'letter' written inside; updating on the family & telling them I love them. Did have wrapped gifts in my attic, but got rid when I moved here. Unlike you, I didn't have an address to send to; hence the gift bags.

My son, who joined his sister in estrangement, I continued to send e-cards to him, the last one I hesitated and at the last minute sent one. This one he replied to and asked if he could come home! He's been home now for about 6yrs, we get on really well. His sister has now cut him out too.

Thanx for replies.
Means a lot.
X

Our other daughters get a bit exasperated with us after everything we have been through, they have nothing whatever to do with their sister, they say we should have stopped years ago, that maybe our estranged daughter doesn’t even give the presents to our GC. But we just don’t feel ready yet, perhaps when we move it will ring in more changes that will make us feel strong enough to do this.
Xx

Good morning all .
Just when I think I have adjusted to my older daughter not being present in my life she reappears. She phoned my friend in Ireland who has returned home and asked him if I had ms. He explained that I am waiting to see the neurologist at St George's hospital. She then said that she was willing to see me if I agreed to her conditions. These are that I stop being negative,involve myself in her family life in a more supportive way and to show empathy to the stresses she is encountering.
R did try to tell her that I am having mobility issues and have had periods of sudden speech loss so would not feel confident looking after the children alone. She has dismissed that and feels I just need to make the effort.
I don't know her anymore as the daughter I have cared for all her life. I refuse to accept conditions which minimise my current problems. Empathy ?! This is coming from a daughter who has not contacted her mother since June and has been abusive via texts whilst I was having brain scans in hospital. Very cross and weary with it all.

Agreeing to her conditions!!
What a cheek!
I would be cross too.

Jaffacake2

Good morning all .
Just when I think I have adjusted to my older daughter not being present in my life she reappears. She phoned my friend in Ireland who has returned home and asked him if I had ms. He explained that I am waiting to see the neurologist at St George's hospital. She then said that she was willing to see me if I agreed to her conditions. These are that I stop being negative,involve myself in her family life in a more supportive way and to show empathy to the stresses she is encountering.
R did try to tell her that I am having mobility issues and have had periods of sudden speech loss so would not feel confident looking after the children alone. She has dismissed that and feels I just need to make the effort.
I don't know her anymore as the daughter I have cared for all her life. I refuse to accept conditions which minimise my current problems. Empathy ?! This is coming from a daughter who has not contacted her mother since June and has been abusive via texts whilst I was having brain scans in hospital. Very cross and weary with it all.

Be careful. We reunited with our daughter 14 years ago after a brief estrangement. She gave us conditions and like fools we went along with it. Basically was scheduled access to the GCs, with her standing over us looking at her watch making sure we never stayed longer than necessary and were gone before her DH got home. We were treated with contempt at best with abuse at worst.
Finally we had had enough and have now been estranged for over 10 years.
But treading on egg shells around her whilst she felt free to continue abuse us is no way to go.
So don’t make our mistake. Take care of your own health and don’t let it suffer due to her demands. Tbh she should be offering to help you right now.

Babs03 thank you for your advice.
Yes I could imagine having conditions which I couldn't comply with due to my health limitations. Then this would fuel her anger and abuse that I wasn't making the effort.
My focus is on myself and my younger daughter who is waiting for surgery. Enough stress without treading on eggshells around the older one.
Take care x

Jaffacake - I’m not sure I’d be happy with a friend discussing my health with my estranged daughter, surely she should be contacting you direct and not going through a third party, take care of your health and put yourself first,

Jaffacake. - I certainly wouldn’t be doing the “eggshell tap dance” with her - she’s really got a nerve laying down conditions, around your health. Neurological problems, as I know, bring all sorts of problems, and it’s not a case of “making an effort”.

Loving families, except in extreme cases, accept each other, without conditions. We all have faults, we all have positives.

She is not empathetic, so no reason you should be. I’d let her get on with it, hard as that might be.

Look after yourself. 💐

Jaffa I wouldn't reply to her. You can't be relaxed & happy seeing your GC with all those conditions. As others have said she shows no sympathy for your health problems & should be phoning you for updates & helping you. She is not being the loving, helpful daughter you need, only thinking of herself.

I agree with Yogin Jaffa and would add that I would tell your friend not to give her any more information about your health, or any other aspect of your life. If she wants to know anything she can ask you.

As for her conditions, in your position I'd have a few conditions of my own if she wanted any form of contact with me.

Evening everyone, hope you've all had a good day.

We went to the cinema to watch the latest Alien film, Alien Romulus which was really good if you're into that genre, which we are. What I don't understand though is why Mr. S. never jumps and I do all the time!!!

We love science fiction films, so would like to see that one. And am just like you I jump out of my skin whilst my DH just sits there.
Always nice to go out and make an occasion of seeing a film rather than watching some offering on Netflix.
Glad you enjoyed it xx

I can recommend it Babs it was very good, but I'd like to have seen more of the alien and less of the face hugers; they freak me out.

Jaffa, I wouldn't play her games. Your friend should not be discussing your health oranything else with your daughter. Concentrate on you.
Babs, do what you feel right. I did it but my presents never got to her but it made me feel I was still her grandma so I don't regret it. Everyone deals with things their way.

Last time I went to the cinema was to watch James Bond in 'Night fall' really enjoyed it but prefer to watch on the telly to be honest.

Meeting some friends for lunch today & tomorrow another friends birthday party.

Hope Whiff is enjoying her holiday. How is it in your new home Smiles, have you settled in already and are the doggies ok?