Support and friendship For Those Estranged

I am quite envious of those that feel part of their adult child’s life. I don’t, I get a duty 1 hour visit every few weeks, but no invitations or meals out, I won’t say anything as one child estranged years ago so won’t risk a second. We were very much part of both our children’s lives, but as the grand children got older obsolete. Every week we baby sat or had grandchikdren to stay, paid for holidays for them, deposits on houses etc. never went uninvited. Since being widowed I think I became a liability, fortunately I manage very well, dread when I can’t.but I’ll meet it when it happens. They didn't learn this from me as I cared for my father and in laws but because I loved them and it wasn’t a burden.

It does seem true that as gc get older our relationship with them changes. A friend once said ‘enjoy the primary school years’. Glad you have happy memories of earlier times Allsorts. The future is a worry for us all, but a mistake is to let worrying about that spoil the present. Was thinking the other day how hard it must be to be a parent of teenagers right now, as well as full time working. Maybe your family have a lot on their plate you aren’t aware of.

Morning all

Well, the concert in the park was good, stayed sunny till 10mins before the end and then the heavens opened! I got drenched helping my friend back to her car with the camping chairs and bits, my car was right opposite the park, but hers was further off round the corner!

Had a lovely time with my sister in Bluewater, lovely lunch, little look round the shops, would have liked a bit longer but my sister, on-going back to her car to get me a gift she'd bought me, actually couldn't find her car! I'd dashed downstairs in John Lewis to get her some nice flowers to take home, dashed back up and waited ages for her return, couldn't walk around looking at things as the flowers were cumbersome.

Your lodge sounds really lovely Smiles. I did look at some before I bought this flat, expensive, the starting price was 300K and then the monthly charges were about £250! I would have to get rid of all my furniture as they were fully furnished.

My son looked at a couple last week, looked lovely, right on the river, but a lot further away from his work. He is considering buying as sort of a holiday home, staying with me on his working days. He has just negotiated a new rota of 4 days on [15hr days] with 3 days off, he had to do 5 days this week to start the ball rolling, his first day off today. Monday, he left for work at 5.15am and didn't get home till 10.50pm!!

Thank Mr.S for his bird suggestion but not a Woodpecker or blackcap.

It often seems to be a case of feast or famine Allsorts, and I don't think you're alone in feeling a bit 'persona non grata' now baby sitting and child care are no longer required.

I try not to think about what the future may hold as we get older, and one of us will inevitably have to face life without the other, especially with DS being in Aus. because worrying about it wont change anything.

I too envy those who are a part of their AC's lives; who continue to have that relationship. Our regular face time chats with DS are priceless but I honestly don't know if I'll ever see him again.

Going over there isn't an option for us now and he's not keen on making the journey to come here. We've offered to pay and although he talks about coming, I don't think he'll do so.

I think we can all understand that our relationship with our children changes when they become adults, and especially when they have their own families Spring.

It's the total loss of that relationship that floors us isn't it. Even the best memories are of little comfort when that's all we have left .

What sucks the life out of me are the people who are always wanting something but never give anything back in return.

Thank you Spring & Allsorts

Yes, if my fellow instructor could have only got through that black period, to the next day, things could have looked better, she had recently split from her boyfriend.

When the estrangement first happened to me, I felt very suicidal, but thought if I end my life, I will never know the ending to this story, never thinking 11.5yrs on there would be no change!

Allsorts your AC & family are not very thoughtful towards you but at least you do see them once a fortnight.

Spring It's good to hear about your other AC in your life, being so lovely.

I know I've said it before Smiles but wish for you, your son in Oz would suddenly decide to move back and live in UK again.....meet a lovely girl....have some children......

Mind you, I wish the last 2 things for my son too.

I know you do Yogin and I'm thankful for your kindness and the friendship we've developed over the past 11.5 years.

I'm glad you enjoyed the concert and lunch with your sister. It would be lovely if your DS buys a holiday home, somewhere nice where you and little Joey could enjoy too.

They suck the life out of me too LottieLouise, they're emotional vampires aren't they.

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Having a brian foggy day so can't frame my words . But thought these might make you smile. Owls are what I commissioned my sister in law to make for my best friends birthday and the fox was my holiday project.

Awh those owls are beautiful Whiff.

Good afternoon everyone. Must admit to finding the last 3 weeks exhausting. But, they are all flying home on Friday, and they’ve tried to do their best.

It’s just me at the moment - my appetite is still zero, and I need a lot of quiet time. So, noisy meals out aren’t really floating my boat, although I do try being jolly and being more “normal” mum.🙄

Oof. Still, one more “Au revoir” meal tomorrow, and it’s done for a year. They mean well, I love them all to bits, but I find it hard.

I really need to regain my mojo…even I’m getting fed up with how I’m feeling.

Still, life could be worse.

Hope everyone is having a nice day x💐

Allsorts I know how lucky I am that my daughter includes me in their life and all my grandson are young. Her boys are 6 and 3.5 years old. But her youngest is the only one of my 5 grandson's I have seen grow up from 4 days old weekly. Because I lived so far away until August 2019 only got to see family every few months from when both children left home in 2006. 2 years after their dad died. It's what I wanted as they needed to live their own lives . And where we lived my daughter was doing temp jobs but using her education. The kids always said we lived in the sticks . They became city kids.

My home became a house the moment my husband took his last breath . I didn't want to live there. But I had people depandant on me so couldn't move . But I couldn't leave them . We all have to live with our consciences and the couldn't abandon them even the mother in law who I hated and had done so for 40 years when she died.

I will never know why my son after 7 months once I moved here came every week with his 2 eldest boys had lunch and usually stayed 4 hours . And never understand why I was never invited to their home once I moved here. Last time I saw my grandson's they where 4 and 2. This year they will be 8,6 and their brother who I don't know his name or date of birth will be 4.

All 5 of my grandsons are close in age . Funny once I was born there was always a new baby or someone was pregnant. I am the oldest grandchild and my nan had 11 grandchildren. I was nearly 19 when the last grandchild was born the only other girl.

My nan always made me laugh she said she would never live to see her grandchildren grow up . She saw most of us get married and have children of our own.

I know my son's boys the 2 that knew me will have forgotten me by now which is sad for them. As my son told me they got excited when they realised they where coming here .

But as I have said before what my son has done doesn't hurt anywhere are the pain and grief I feel for my husband dieing . That loss and grief gets worse with every year that's passes by. I let go of the loss of my son late last year. I will not spend anymore time wanting something that will never happen. I don't like my son but still love him but the son I knew not who he is now he is a stranger. But I am not the mom he knew I am stronger and more confident than ever and have no time for people in my life that don't love and care for me. It wasn't an easy decision to give up hope but for me a necessary one for my own peace of mind and my physical and mental health.

We all have to decide when to give up hope and it's hard . I don't cling on to my daughter we are both very independent and live our own lives but I am included into theirs and them in mine.

I never want to be dependant on anyone . As it's only after my parents and mother in law died I realised looking after them cost me a lot healthwise but I would do it all again I can't and will not change who I am. And all the mistakes I made trying to be brave for everyone else and not giving my grief for my husband full rein . That's why I always tell the newly bereaved to never hold thier feelings in but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

Spring you are so right we have to live for the now . The past has gone and the present and future is what we want it to be ..No what ifs or if onlies. Since I moved here time has flown by even during Covid lockdowns I made the best of my time by altering my garden and getting rid of plants I didn't like or want . And planning what to have done next in my bungalow as soon as tradesmen could work in homes again.

Yogin glad you had a lovely time at the concert getting drenched was all part of the experience and I bet you laughed about looking like drown rats. Bluewater that's a blast from my past we went a lot when my husband was alive. It was over a 3 hour drive but loved it. So did the children. Hope the grounds are as beautiful as they where and all the high end shops are still there mixed with household names.

My husband loved driving once the tunnel was open he thought nothing of us going to France for the day. We used to go the citie Europe shopping centre. We sometimes stayed over night in a little town near by but can't remember where it was or the name of the hotel we used.

Hope your son finds somewhere he would like to buy and his new working hours suit him better. HGV driving is very stressful both my brother was and my son is a HGV driver.

Posted in case I lost it.

Smiles I do feel for you and Mr S as your grandchild was months old when your son decided to turn his back on you both. And not even getting to see your other one. I don't know what is worse never having a relationship with grandchildren for a few years or only months. But you made the best decision for you both when you moved away from where you lived and your son lived close by. As it must have been torture living so close but being denied a loving and caring relationship with your son and family. How our estranged children can cut off their consciences I will never understand. I often wondered what my son said if people asked him about his parents and rest of his family. I imagine he told them I was dead like his dad or blamed me saying she doesn't have anything to do with us. Anything to put them in a good light and not the shits they are.

Your younger son may be far away but he still loves and cares for you both very much.

LottieLouise I know that feeling and it's exhausting. They are like vampires but try to drain you of your emotions not blood. I ended a 5 year friendship before Christmas. I had told her when we became friends I don't do one way friendships . But that's how it went last year so I told her on the phone it would be the last time we spoke as I was given and she was all take. Plus she let me down badly twice last year. I had always been open about my health problems and how my life has had to work my whole life. But she turned nasty and told me it was my fault because I had changed. I said of course I changed I was finally happy and living my life to the full like my husband wanted for me. Trouble was she still lived in the same rut she had always been and hadn't changed she's 3 years older than me but an only child who was spoilt and when her married broke up her dad paid all her bills even though she worked. She couldn't see how wrong that was. She was a grown woman and still couldn't or wouldn't stand on her own 2 feet.

DiamondLily now you must make time for yourself and you will get your mojo back but it will never be as it was before. It will just be different. You will probably feel the grief overwhelms you now you aren't having to put on a brave face . But let it if you fight it you will feel worse. If you need alone time tell your loved ones they will understand.and give you the space you need. They are grieving as well as from what you have said they loved their step dad. And saw how happy you where together. But give yourself time to grieve but look after yourself..💐

DL I know how much your family mean to you and having your son and his family over from States must have been exhausting but lovely to see them. You want to see then all but still grieving inwardly. I think the first year for me was almost a haze. Gradually life takes us through to coping and in different directions. I know a lot if what u do now I wouldn't if my husband was here. Hope you get your appetite back, I comfort eat.
Smileless, Yoga is right, your son might surprise you, you are very close although separated by the miles, you get the biggest hugs and he talks to you and he dies care for you both. Is there no way you could meet midway to save the very long joinery ? However you have most likely considered that. When they are working hard the time for them passes quickly.
Yoga it would be lovely for your son to buy somewhere, do him good to have that place if his own and of course you to visit.
Love your foxes Whiff, your friend will be so pleased.
Lottie, I have someone like that, his negativity when he’s down gets me down, so I have had to cut down my interaction to cope, for my well being, I will never cut off but less visits etc.

Whiff

Having a brian foggy day so can't frame my words . But thought these might make you smile. Owls are what I commissioned my sister in law to make for my best friends birthday and the fox was my holiday project.

Lovely x

If anyone is interested, I found out what that bird was; It's a Crow! making a sort of rattling noise, it's a mating call or greeting call. I read the comments of others that were being driven mad trying to work out what was making this strange noise, was it a Woodpecker was it this or that! but no, a Crow!

Rotten day today, not looking good for walkies.

DL I like a nice quiet day by myself too, enjoy yours when everyone has returned home xx

Yogin I had a bird encounter on Thursday. I was already to go out when I heard a bang on my back door. Set my startle reflex off luckily only ended up half way down my tall shoe rack so pulled myself up.

A magpie had chased a young blackbird and it hit my window in my door. The magpie was on my lawn waiting for it to die. It was awful until it's legs stopped twitching. I put on rubber gloves and put it's body into my green bin. I didn't want bird guts over my patio . I know magpies eat carrion but I couldn't let it eat the blackbird.

After craft group one of my friends posted on our WhatsApp group a picture of a bird her cat brought in . It was alive . Her sister rescues birds and got it was a tree creeper it must have lost its way as it normally stays in woodland. Never seen one before it was small but had a long very sharp beak.

Magpies and crows are always having a fight over trees in my neighbours garden . The Magpies usually win even though they are smaller.

I love seeing the terns flying round . Didn't realise gulls where as big as they are until I moved here .

I made a pond out of a planter only room for 2 plants but put plenty of rocks in it so birds of all sizes can use it . It's an idea off gardeners world few years back. I got excited the other evening as I saw a hedgehog in my garden but to slow to get a clear picture only it's back but needed to blow up the picture to.see it.

My brother and sister in law have 8-9 in there garden every night. They put out food for them . The whole village has hedgehog arches in their fences .

Good afternoon everyone. Well, the American gang have gone home. Lovely to see them, but psychically and mentally tiring.

Today is the one year anniversary of DHs funeral - I made it clear I just wanted today indoors, on my own, and it’s been ok.

That’s the last of the firsts, so another hurdle crossed.

Weather has been nice today, so I sat in the garden for a while. I wish the weather was a bit more consistent.

Anyway, hope everyone has had a nice day. 💐x

Whiff that's want I want to do with a planter or large ground bird bath or the like, well done with yours, it's so nice to watch the wild life in your garden, I'm getting lots of little birds now, so happy.

Do not like those Magpies. In my last house I was watching a family of sparrows, the babies had just fledged. So, watching from my bedroom onto the flat roof extension, so lovely to watch, when a Magpie swapped down and took a baby Sparrow! Apparently, they just eat the head .

Poor Blackbird , I'll have to look up tree creeper. Your garden sounds lovely Whiff. Are you watching 'Spring watch'? that can be a bit grizzly!

DL Hope you're feeling ok today xx

Morning everyone.

I've always thought it must be much harder to be estranged from the GC you know and love Whiff then to be like we are, estranged from GC one we hardly knew at all, and one we've never met.

Mr. S. said to me the other day that he doesn't feel as if he's a GF, and I said that he isn't one really. Neither of us have ever really experienced what it's like to be GP's.

I love your fox; fabulous .

The problem for us going abroad are the dogs Allsorts. When we got our cockapoo she had terrible separation anxiety, so we employed the services of a dog trainer to help us to help her.

He also boarded dogs in his own home so that was who we used
which means she's never been in kennels and our little poodle hasn't been for about 5 years, so it would be a completely new experience for him.

She's very sensitive and even when she's at home with Mr. S., if I go out she'll spend a lot of time in her bed, facing the front door, until I come home. We just don't feel we could leave either of them, especially her and the trainer is no longer in the area. I was gutted when I tried to make contact after Covid as we were thinking about going to see DS in Aus, and discovered he'd gone.

We have some friends who dog sit if we're going to be out for a long time. She loves them and they come to our home but say she spends 50% of the time looking out of the window, watching for us to come back.

We have thought about booking them in for a couple of nights to see how they'd cope, but I'm worried that even doing that would take her separation anxiety back to the level it was when we first got her, and we'd never forgive ourselves if we knew she'd been distressed for even a short time.

A Crow Yogin!!! and here I was hoping you had something rare and beautiful in your garden .

You must be physically and emotionally exhausted DL but how wonderful to have had the time with them.

I'm glad yesterday was ok. The first anniversaries are the hardest and I think I'd want to spend the day on my own too . It would have helped a little, being able to be out in the garden.

We made the most of a lovely warm and sunny day, culminating in a BBQ. Only our third one this year so far because the weather's not been good.

Two more days here then back home on Wednesday.

No bbqs here yet…keep thinking we will, then the weather changes lol! Love the fox and owls Whiff. I’m not really a ‘crafty’ person so am full of admiration for those who are. Glad your ‘anniversary’ day was peaceful DL, and as you say, you’ve now done a full year of firsts, but grief does catch you off guard - as many of us on here know. Have a wedding coming up and struggling to find something to wear - seems jump suits (!) and long dresses are in right now. Neither is my thing! And neither is orange which seems to be the ‘in’ colour! I think fashion makers take us all for a ride 😊

Spring, I wouldn’t be wearing a jump suit, if you’ve worn them once in your life. When I was a size 10 I remember owning a couple of them. The colour I’m seeing more of than anything is every shade of green, but whatever suits you is best. I go simple plus one piece of jewellery but it’s accessories that make an outfit. Just go and enjoy the day.
I went looking for a dress yesterday and every one came to the floor, I used to be considered tall now I’m petite😂
My anniversaries I usually spend on my own, I don’t mention them to anyone now, so much has gone on in everyone's lives in all these years, but I think of him every day like my mother.
I was looking at digs last night, I really would like a little dog, but the cost and the distance away to go made me think again. I won’t have one until I know someone close will love them like I do when I’m not here. I would probably spoil it though.
Watched a programme about heart transplants last night on tv, the dedication of everyone involved is outstanding and it made me feel so lucky for my health.

Yep…plenty of green out there too Allsorts! Unfortunately looks dreadful on me! And wouldn’t dare risk a jumpsuit now - too fiddly 😊 Like the suggestion of focusing on accessories though to create something special. Dressing up really isn’t my thing!

It is hard as we get older thinking about pets, and who will care for them. They become such a part of our lives, and give so much love….