Red flags

Ladyleftfieldlover

I know what you mean about religious people, sometimes. I consider myself a liberal Christian. So anyone who is anti women, gay marriage etc., would find it difficult to get on with me. I had to stop being friends with an old friend when he accused me of being an unfit mother. He didn’t think my daughter should study Theology at University if she had to learn about faiths other than Christianity!

I think religion/faith can either make people better or worse to get on with. I've met so many different types:-

1) The kind and good who actually live out their faith and it shows in their actions, so everyone who knows them knows their beliefs without them needing to talk about them. They are kind and non judgemental.

2) The bible basher who talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk but wants everyone to know they are knowledgeable because it's a smoke screen for their double life. They are self serving.

3) the genuine bible basher who lives strictly and does their utmost to practise what they preach.

4) The extremely religious who don't exhibit the character of the one they say they serve, who attack anyone who's not easily controlled or bully anyone who they don't think meets their criteria. These people often are judgemental of anyone who they see as different to themselves and completely unloving and intolerant. They use gossip and smear tactics to try to isolate the person who they dislike and make a church like a club. They are self serving.

I prefer number one and number three, but have had extremely bad experiences with numbers two and four, who are only really using religion to serve themselves! Anyone know of any other "types"?

Ladyleftfieldlover

I know what you mean about religious people, sometimes. I consider myself a liberal Christian. So anyone who is anti women, gay marriage etc., would find it difficult to get on with me. I had to stop being friends with an old friend when he accused me of being an unfit mother. He didn’t think my daughter should study Theology at University if she had to learn about faiths other than Christianity!

unbelievable.. but sadly resonates with me as a young person only being allowed to mix socially with people of my parents faith.. No wonder I've been a Buddhist and member of an interfaith group for 40 years...

I hope your daughter disagreed with him...

I feel unsafe around people who make knee jerk judgements about others. Have had this done to me and know how damaging this can be.

Blowing up at the slightest criticism, especially when you are trying to help them

Misunderstanding what you have said (either genuinely or pretending to) and then, when you offer further explanation to clarify, they imply or state directly that you are lying/have a problem/ are oversensitive/ are changing the goalposts or similar. And then they just stop engaging. Both online and in "real life"!

Definitely a red flag.

Relationships can be outlines in such simple terms that it's so sad people can't make them positive

Trust needs Honesty
Love needs Action
Sorry needs Change

People are human and make mistakes. Many things are forgivable, but without any one of those 6 building blocks we know they aren't a safe person to be around and keeping those in mind it is very easy to see who really is not a good person

VS, I like the way you word that and it's exactly why I ended up estranging.

When you are raised to accept certain behaviors it can be hard to recognize why the relationship is toxic. It's literally programmed into you to sweep issues under the rug and blindly accept what your elders say and do. My parents had that programmed into them too, but they never learned better. They technically still could change but I'd eat my shoes if it happened.

After meeting my husband, I finally learned how unhealthy the dynamic was. I was not used to someone actually talking things out with me and working to resolve disagreements. Once I knew what it felt like to have those things, the deficiencies in the family dynamic became impossible to ignore.

"I'm sorry" without excuses or downplaying was unheard of in my home growing up. Nothing ever changed or got better. I learned very young not to express how I felt because it literally didn't matter. If I hadn't met my husband and his friends I would have never learned that it wasn't normal or healthy.

Turns out, if you want to be forgiven for "not being perfect" you actually have to actively acknowledge the mistakes you've made and then work on changing. Who knew?

I think for me it isn't always so specific, but green flags are people who go about their own lives and open to new experiences.

Try as I might I can't spend time with people who limit themselves and their lives with excuses. Self-pity, irrational fears and anxieties about other people they don't even know, doing things just because they've always done those things, constant complaining about petty stuff. Not being willing to step outside their comfort zones- those are my red flags!

VioletSky

Relationships can be outlines in such simple terms that it's so sad people can't make them positive

Trust needs Honesty
Love needs Action
Sorry needs Change

People are human and make mistakes. Many things are forgivable, but without any one of those 6 building blocks we know they aren't a safe person to be around and keeping those in mind it is very easy to see who really is not a good person

Definitely! I love the way you laid it out so clearly VS.

I also think many things are forgiveable to those who aren't bitter, but when we forgive someone we need to know that they aren't going to repeat the behaviour and that they are truly sorry and want to be different, so we need to look at their character and behaviours to check that their actions match what they are saying. That's what you meant , I think?

Obviously if someone is not even a safe person AND they are not open to change, nothing will change until they do.

keepingquiet

I think for me it isn't always so specific, but green flags are people who go about their own lives and open to new experiences.

Try as I might I can't spend time with people who limit themselves and their lives with excuses. Self-pity, irrational fears and anxieties about other people they don't even know, doing things just because they've always done those things, constant complaining about petty stuff. Not being willing to step outside their comfort zones- those are my red flags!

Absolutely. Happy, positive people, willing to enjoy new experiences, are always good to be around.👍

Good post keepingquiet .

Thankyou! No point wasting time with people who don't energise you. There used to be a saying, 'Are you a tap or a drain?'

I keep away from those drains as much as I can!

Yes, fun sponges are wearing. Constantly whinging. We all get low times, but no need to drag others into your pity-party.🙂

I've not heard of that saying before keepingquiet or fun sponges DL maybe I need to get out more .

Smileless2012

I've not heard of that saying before keepingquiet or fun sponges DL maybe I need to get out more .

Perhaps it’s a regional saying lol. Or, that I’m just common…😷😉

I love the fun sponges thing! I've just been out for lunch with one.

'Why do bad things always happen to me?' Is a common refrain because you can guarantee something 'bad' will always happen, such as late trains, people in the cafe being too loud, people drilling stuff making too much noise, tinned salmon on a sandwich instead of fresh... the list of complaints is endless. It is very wearing and I have come to the conclusion some people just love to moan... it seems to be their raison d'etre.

There's definitely some very different ideas of what counts as a red flag here.

When I think of a red flag, I think of danger. I don't think of an unpleasant person or a bad attitude. I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, but I certainly wouldn't call it a red flag either. Especially not in the context of estrangement. Bad attitudes call for polite detachment, not estrangement. Of course, that's just my opinion.

To each their own.

When they go out of their way to exclude individuals for no logical reason

keepingquiet

I love the fun sponges thing! I've just been out for lunch with one.

'Why do bad things always happen to me?' Is a common refrain because you can guarantee something 'bad' will always happen, such as late trains, people in the cafe being too loud, people drilling stuff making too much noise, tinned salmon on a sandwich instead of fresh... the list of complaints is endless. It is very wearing and I have come to the conclusion some people just love to moan... it seems to be their raison d'etre.

Yes, tedious isn’t it. We all have bad/negative things happen in life, but we need to deal with it. I find these people quite harmful.

They sap you of feeling positive, and that can be harmful.

So, to me, it’s a no-no.🙂

Usually like attracts like, so we are like the five people we spend the most time with. Maybe improve your life by not spending time with someone you need to complain about afterwards?

Red flag of a bad friendship = complaining about them behind their back but being nice to their face. Better to be honest and let everyone be happy.

00opsidia

Usually like attracts like, so we are like the five people we spend the most time with. Maybe improve your life by not spending time with someone you need to complain about afterwards?

Red flag of a bad friendship = complaining about them behind their back but being nice to their face. Better to be honest and let everyone be happy.

I agree - negative people are swiftly removed from my life. As you say, better to be honest. 🙂

I agree User there's a huge difference between someone whose unpleasant and someone who can do you harm physically, emotionally or both.

When someone's the latter, even though they may have been the one to estrange and that's not the course of action you would have taken, you can realise that you are safer without them in your life.

I know we are.

Smileless Sorry but I didn't understand your comment, can you please explain a bit more?

When someone gives advice when not asked for it. The way they talk about friends and treat them.

Which part don't you understand VS?