May I offer a little hope?

This is such a lovely post, stillawip. Thanks to you and other posters who have shared your reconciliation experiences and well wishes!

It's encouraging to hear that time can heal some estrangement wounds when paired with hard work and introspection, and that hopes for repairing relationships can be realised.

No amount of hard work and introspection will make a difference unless all concerned want to repair relationships and reconcile.

It's lovely to hear from those who've been successful but sadly it's not a possibility for everyone.

Smileless2012

No amount of hard work and introspection will make a difference unless all concerned want to repair relationships and reconcile.

It's lovely to hear from those who've been successful but sadly it's not a possibility for everyone.

Yes, and I am so sorry that you are one of them - my heart breaks for you. I posted because, when I went back through all the estrangement forums, there were so many sad stories, and so many negative threads dominated by people who were permanently estranged, that I felt it was important to show that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is hope. I just wanted one positive thread, one beacon of light for people who are going through it. I desperately searched for that when it was me, when I needed to believe that things would get better, and there was nothing, so I thought I’d put one up!

I'm glad you did stillawip, but I don't agree that threads mostly contributed too by those permanently estranged are necessarily negative, not in my experience anyway.

Reconciliation is one light and rebuilding one's life and moving forward is another. Knowing that there is life to be enjoyed despite being estranged IMO, can provide just as much hope as the hope for reconciliation, and when you know that reconciliation isn't a possibility, that is the only hope you have.

I agree. Many of the permanently estranged on here are full of positivity. Life is how you choose to make it, whatever the issues, and regardless of what others may be doing.🙂

Absolutely - and there are plenty of threads offering wonderful support to those permanently estranged, which I know you two kind ladies are regular posters on. All those threads just didn't feel like they were for me in my situation, still desperately holding on to a hope that it we would reconcile in the end, so I thought that now my outcome has been different to yours I could show that things can end differently! I would have loved to have seen that when I was searching for comfort.

Smileless2012

No amount of hard work and introspection will make a difference unless all concerned want to repair relationships and reconcile.

It's lovely to hear from those who've been successful but sadly it's not a possibility for everyone.

Of course Smileless, I quite agree! That's why I said "some" estrangement wounds, in acknowledgement of the fact that every situation is unique.

Anyway, I found this post comforting! All the more so for knowing that reconciliation won't be a given for everyone, but is not a completely unfounded hope for some

I understand that stillawip. When I first joined GN almost 12 years ago, estrangement was still very much a taboo subject; something to keep hidden and be ashamed of.

The first and most important thing for me was to know that we weren't the only ones. Those of us posting at the time were in the initial stages of being estranged, the support for one another was priceless but I know how much of a comfort it would have been for me, and I suspect for others too, to know that others had found some peace and happiness despite not being reconciled and also to learn that not all, because of what they've been through, would want it and that that's OK too.

Stillawip, what a lovely thing to happen

Smileless2012

I understand that stillawip. When I first joined GN almost 12 years ago, estrangement was still very much a taboo subject; something to keep hidden and be ashamed of.

The first and most important thing for me was to know that we weren't the only ones. Those of us posting at the time were in the initial stages of being estranged, the support for one another was priceless but I know how much of a comfort it would have been for me, and I suspect for others too, to know that others had found some peace and happiness despite not being reconciled and also to learn that not all, because of what they've been through, would want it and that that's OK too.

Yes, but it’s changed now. People are now more educated and aware,
and realise that parental estrangement can have many causes. No one really blames the EPs for it all now.👍

People do what they do.

Sometimes life throws a bucketload at us all, but there’s always a way through it to discover peace and happiness. 🙂

Celieanne86

Such kind encouraging messages thank you.
Sadly my youngest son obviously has no wish at all to end the estrangement as my older son who is getting married next month has contacted him and asked him to please come to his wedding. It’s not a big affair, just registry office with family and a lunch afterwards, sadly he has not even acknowledged his brothers message. I have also written to him asking to come but he has ignored me and I just don’t feel I can take any more rejection, I’m too old, too tired and just want a peaceful life.

Well both you and his brother did your best, you can do no more. And I get what you are saying about rejection. After more than 10 years with every letter, card, present, sent for our daughter and GCs never acknowledged we are now ready to stop sending anything, our other three daughters whom she is also estranged from have been telling us to do this for years.
Of course it is good to never say never but also good to let go of the pain and the rejection, and if one day your son does make some kind of contact or you contact him and he replies hopefully there could be a reconciliation, but for now take care of yourself and take strength from those who love you 🙏🏾

Celieanne, Sorry about your younger son who is behaving like a spoiled brat. You're his mother for goodness sake, don't waste anymore time on him and making yourself ill. He has chosen to go it alone and you can’t alter that,

It's OK Celianne to reach the point where you can't take anymore rejection .

It doesn't mean that the door doesn't remain open and that you wont respond favourably if and when your son reaches out to you, but the ball's in his court and as Babs has posted, you need to take care of you and focus on those who love you and want you in their lives.

I hope his brother can do the same and not allow his brother's absence from his wedding spoil such an important day and joyful occasion.

stillawip

Absolutely - and there are plenty of threads offering wonderful support to those permanently estranged, which I know you two kind ladies are regular posters on. All those threads just didn't feel like they were for me in my situation, still desperately holding on to a hope that it we would reconcile in the end, so I thought that now my outcome has been different to yours I could show that things can end differently! I would have loved to have seen that when I was searching for comfort.

I think it is lovely that you have shared your happiness. I hope things continue to go well for you.

Thank you so much everyone - I really hope that some will find comfort from the positive messages in the thread. There are so many sad threads on this forum, where reconciliations haven’t happened yet, and I just wanted to create one that gave some hop and encouragement to others, and let them know that all can be well again in the end. 💕

Stillawip, you sound like such a good mum, not perfect but trying to be better and succeeding, so lovely 🌺

I agree OP, you sound like a great mom. That kind of approach would have made a big difference to me. But some people will never change I suppose.

Thanks for sharing! I appreciate the change of pace.

I think when people first come on here, after being estranged, they often are sad, confused and feel like they will never be happy.

But, for those that cannot reconcile, it’s inspiring how quickly most on here adapt to the new reality, and realise how much happiness, from other sources, can still be had.

The support thread is certainly not an unhappy place.

User138652 is right - some people will never change.

Some will never discuss or be honest about what’s wrong, and life has to be rearranged around estrangement.

It’s like bereavement, in a way. You do, through time, start to find the joy again.👍

Estrangement is described as a living bereavement which is very apt DL and you're right that life has to be rearranged around it because as you and User have said, some people will never change.

Thank you so much DaisyDaisyDo & User138562, you are very kind - I am nowhere near perfect and, as my name suggests, I am still very much a work-in-progress, which I believe we should all be until the day we die, never afraid to change ourselves and our thoughts/opinions/approaches on life. I will always be striving to be a better me where needed!

Celieanne - never give up hope. There's a reason why your son has estranged his whole family. It may not be your reason or your older son's reason, but to your younger son it is just as valid a 'truth' as yours. For me it was about recognising this, listening to his 'truth', and really putting myself in his shoes and asking myself whether there was a single grain of truth in what he said. How would I have taken it, in his position? And if there is even a tiny, tiny bit of truth, swallow your pride and apologise genuinely and wholeheartedly, with no reservations or justifications, and tell him that you have learned from it & if given the chance will change your approach in future. That you will try your best to get it right going forward, and really LISTEN to what he is saying if he says you don't. That's what eventually worked for me. I wish you the very, very best luck.

Such a lovely, honest post. I'm so happy for you. My daughter stopped having any contact with me for about 3 years ( I still have no idea why). Then on my 60th birthday (3 years ago) I received a card and flowers and more importantly a very long letter.
There is always hope 🙏 ❤️

Oh Ziggy, I’m so thrilled for you - how lovely!! I wish you every happiness going forward with your family xx

Celianne has said she doesn't feel she can cope with anymore rejection because she's too old, too tired and just wants a peaceful life so I think we should respect her decision and offer what support we can.

Stillawip I want to thank you for your post. I was estranged for a couple of years from my son and GD- it was a living hell, complete torture.

Yet, in those years I learned so much about myself and what my expectations of life had been. It tested my faith in God and in human nature.

Now I consider myself an expert, but only in my own situation. Estangement isn't one side fits all- it is human beings getting caught up in situations they cannot control and everyone is different.

Yes, I ate humble pie too- because it was worth it to face my own shortcomings in order to now have regular contact with my little grandchild. She is a joy and a treasure and I am so grateful for now seeing her grow, and witnessing what a great parent my son is.

I don't know what the future holds, the estrangement could return but I can now face it knowing what I would have to do and who to turn to.