May I offer a little hope?

I think estrangement, especially if it’s unstable, is extremely tiring.

Sometimes, you need to just let others do as they do, stand off, and look after your own health and happiness.

Contentment and joy in life can follow many paths on its way.🙂

Now I consider myself an expert but only on my own estrangement I love that keepingquiet . Our only 'expertise' is about what we have experienced and there are many nuances to be taken into account.

Despite the many similarities we see in estrangement situations, no two are the same and no two people are the same. There is hope for those who desire reconciliation as stories shared on this thread have shown, and there are other stories of hope too, that there is a life to be lived and enjoyed despite being estranged because reconciliation isn't for everyone because it's never going to happen or because it isn't what's wanted.

keepingquiet how wonderful, I'm so pleased for you. Grandchildren are such a joy and can teach us so much about life and what is really important. You're absolutely right, everyone's situation is totally unique - this was just mine and I thought it worth sharing if it could comfort just one person going through similar. My very best wishes for the future with your family x

Hope is the only thing that stops me from moving on to the next life.

Missiseff I remember going to bed and hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. You're not alone.

I am so moved and impressed by your story stillawip . One thing which strikes me is that when we are hurting, it is so easy not to look inwards and be honest about our own part in whatever has happened. You were big hearted enough to do that, and let go blame of others, and focus on what matters - love. I know every situation is individual but your story is inspiring as others have said. I send love to all who are suffering estrangement in their family.

So good to hear such a positive outcome, we hear all the sad stories on here and it's good of you to take the time to share good news with us all. I hope it helps all the others currently suffering form a similar situation.

I'm very pleased for you and I agree totally that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and admit our part in the fall out

Im in the same boat unfortunately. I've been accuses of saying 'many' things to upset dil but given any specifics. Hiw can I defend myself/amend how I speak without knowing the facts. Not see son or granddaughter since 17th August, nor new grandson born 3 weeks ago. Apparently they need some family time eve though I was invited to meet granddaughter at only one week old. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Fingers crossed for reconciliation but not holding out much hope.

I agree Madwoman being honest with one's self is absolutely necessary.

You cannot do anything if you don't know the facts Grannymell and all the talk in the world about self reflection, being honest with yourself etc is meaningless if there's no communication with the one whose estranged you, and no desire for them to reconcile.

Let them have the family time they need with no attempt from you to intrude and wait to see if the get in touch .

Sometimes standing back and letting people do as they will works well.

It either resolves itself or it doesn’t. If you don’t know the reasons, you can never negotiate anything. Best wishes. 💐

Was estranged too from son and family for over a year. That was six years ago. It's only now that he admits that they were in the wrong. But of course it was me that had to do eat all the 'humble pie' . "Kids eh! Who'd 'ave 'em?". Still at the end of the day they're worth their weight in gold.

That is absolutely fantastic, stillawip and I am so pleased for you. Whilst Smileless2012 has a point that you can't facilitate a reconciliation from self reflection without communication with those who has estranged you, the process should be about improving yourself rather than affection reconciliation.

No finger pointing but I often see things written in wider posts that make me think that an attitude might have had some influence on the family situation. For myself, after a rare argument with my son, a discussion with my therapist showed me that on occasion I can feel like I am responding to a person's request to leave things alone but, in fact, I can be partial to having the last word! It was a light bulb moment but there was definitely a delay when the switch was pressed. I was indignant at her thinking that but I did start to reflect on the situation and had to agree that she might have had a point!

icanhandthemback

That is absolutely fantastic, stillawip and I am so pleased for you. Whilst Smileless2012 has a point that you can't facilitate a reconciliation from self reflection without communication with those who has estranged you, the process should be about improving yourself rather than affection reconciliation.

No finger pointing but I often see things written in wider posts that make me think that an attitude might have had some influence on the family situation. For myself, after a rare argument with my son, a discussion with my therapist showed me that on occasion I can feel like I am responding to a person's request to leave things alone but, in fact, I can be partial to having the last word! It was a light bulb moment but there was definitely a delay when the switch was pressed. I was indignant at her thinking that but I did start to reflect on the situation and had to agree that she might have had a point!

Well done you, that's fantastic! Intransigence is truly the enemy of reconciliation and I recognised this too, just as you did. I was the same, expecting things to be done the way I did them, always wanting to be in control etc (self-confessed control freak here!), but at the end of the day, those things do you much more harm than good. Times change and things move on and to acknowledge our own part in things and change it can truly be a turning point. There will always be clues there if we listen...

Missiseff

Hope is the only thing that stops me from moving on to the next life.

Hang on in there as Smiles has said they’re people here who have felt as you do. It is a grief for the living.
Be kind to yourself today 🙏🏾

Correction- there are people who have felt as you do.

Grannymel12

Im in the same boat unfortunately. I've been accuses of saying 'many' things to upset dil but given any specifics. Hiw can I defend myself/amend how I speak without knowing the facts. Not see son or granddaughter since 17th August, nor new grandson born 3 weeks ago. Apparently they need some family time eve though I was invited to meet granddaughter at only one week old. Just have to grin and bear it I suppose. Fingers crossed for reconciliation but not holding out much hope.

Be patient and try to get on with your life whilst they adjust to their new family dynamic. It may well be that you will never know what caused your DiL to feel the way she does, and I know it is so hard to stop wondering why, I can be like a dog with a bone with it, but try to put it out of your mind and in a little while maybe send something for the baby and GCs with your son. See how it lands. But for now enjoy the day and hopefully in a little while things will improve.
All the best 🙏🏾

Another story of reconciliation which is good to hear Fae1 and good to know that at least now he accepts that he was in the wrong; "Kids eh! Who'd 'ave em".

Well it's difficult to comment on what you've posted due to its vagueness icanhandthemback. There can be of course intransigence on both 'sides', and what may be considered by some justification to estrange wont always be seen that way, even by others who have estranged.

There will always be clues there if we listen ... I'm sure there will stillawip but not everyone is given the opportunity to listen are they.

Well, intransigence can be one reason for estrangement ….but so can a multitude of other things.

Demanding regular large payments to stay in touch, (addictions). and finding the elixir of eternal youth (old people are burdens, after all) are just two that spring to mind for me….🙄

Buy, hey, ho, to some it’s all about having chats and apologising for some unknown thing …🤷‍♀️

You can give your all to your family and get very little in return no respect, no visits. A sad state of affairs but happens. My last almost 3 years have been such a disappointment.

Everyone can do with some self-reflection regardless of the circumstances surrounding estrangement. I've spent years working on myself.

Some of the flaws my mother has pointed out are things I identified and worked on in therapy. I just didn't work on it in the context of fixing my relationship with her. I actually did that for myself and my marriage. I could better manage a contentious relationship with her now compared to when I estranged. The problem is that this work I've done on myself has also led to more respect for myself and what I'm willing to go through for her.

You have to want to change yourself. Passing the burden on others to tell you what to fix will either leave you feeling resentful of that person, or turn you into someone you aren't just to please them. The changes you make for yourself may just change what you want for yourself as well.

Every single person is responsible for themselves and their own personal growth. It is no one else's burden. And if you decide you don't need growth, you should accept the stagnation that comes with that decision.

Oh dear. As I have said, I'm so sorry for those still estranged, and every other thread I could find on the forum seems to be available to them for support and comment. So it would just be so wonderful if others, like myself, were permitted to have just one thread where the joy of reconciliation could be celebrated, and the hope of that happening could provide some comfort to those going through it. With the greatest respect, even in my darkest moments I never wanted to read phrases like 'spoiled brat' or be advised not to waste my time on my child. I just wanted someone to give me hope that all would be well in the end with my beloved child, & tell me that that could happen. I didn't want to hear "yes, but it might not". I couldn't find such a thread, so now that I am through it I created my own, and was hoping that it could just be gently here for others to read...

Very happy for you !
Wish the same for myself and all others as it’s very painful to go thru .. best wishes all ..xx

The joy of reconciliation is being celebrated stillawip. Even those who continue to be estranged are expressing their happiness for those who have reconciled.

I'm sorry that your last 3 years have been a disappointment heavenlyheath. It sounds as if you've done all that you could, which is all that any of us can do .