How do I get through to her?

Dorrain

I agree with Grams2five, you have done your best and invited everyone.
Your sister, in my opinion, is pitting you against her son which I see as spiteful and childish.
As you say "Next Christmas isn't promised to any of us" and if your sister can't look at the big picture she is missing the whole point of family and Xmas celebrations.
Good luck, sometimes we have to be the adult in the room and look further than the disagreements which pop up in all relationships.

This is how I feel. She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days. These are not the values our family raised us with. We were always brought up not to turn on each other.

This is what Christmas should represent love and forgiveness.. just leave the invitations open and don't get involved any further.. it'll all sort itself out.. one way or another

BlueBelle

You can’t control others feelings or decisions You have invited them now up to them whether they come or not Now it’s OUT of your hands
The trouble with big family get togethers there ll always be someone not doing what you want or expect
Enjoy your meal

This is the first time we’ve ever experienced something to this extent. Not being able to make it has never been an issue when it arises. Not being able to make because of a feud is such a foreign concept in our family. We fight, we get over it. That’s how it’s always been. She’s always been a bit more pushy and stubborn than you’d like but she is really being over the top. It’s her own pushiness that causes the drama in the first place. She’s a grandmother for pete’s sake. Surely she can get over herself here?

Nansnet

It's a family tradition where everyone is invited. As you said, you can't simply un-invite your nephew and his family just because your sister has had a falling out with them.

I'd tell her that, as always, the invite is open to all, and you wouldn't want anyone to be left out. However, you need to tell her that the issue between her and her son is nothing to do with you, and they need to sort it out between themselves, and decide what they're going to do about it. It's not right that you should be put into a position of having to choose between certain family members. Let them sort it out and decide whether or not they can act like adults, and not create a bad atmosphere, and spoil the day for everyone else. Or, one of them chooses not to come. Their decision, not yours.

And I'd also be telling them that if one or the other causes any upset on the day, then you'll have to ask them both to leave, as it's not fair on everyone else.

Hope it can all be sorted out before Christmas!

Thank you! I will likely end up sending a message to her shortly before I need to finalize a head count. I am drained. A long term health battle will do that. She knows I hate drama. I won’t chase her to come, though it appears she expects this of me now as well as her son. I love her but I am too weary to engage her here. For once I just wish she’d think about the impact her attitude has on our entire family

mum2three

Does it matter? She sounds like a spoiled brat and your celebrations will be better without her. You can't spend the holiday pussy-footing around divas.

This made me laugh! She is and has always been a bit of a diva. Always very spoilt. Her husband enables it, but she’s still my sister and still the closest relative my children and grandchildren have outside of my husband and me. Our parents are gone. It’s just us two and our families now, minus a few distant relations we don’t really speak to frequently. Sadly, we live in a small town so she is also one of my closest friends despite being a total pain. My son is best friends with her estranged son. It’s an awkward situation for all.

pascal30

This is what Christmas should represent love and forgiveness.. just leave the invitations open and don't get involved any further.. it'll all sort itself out.. one way or another

Yes. You are right!

NougatNewt

Can I ask why she's estranged with her son? It sounds like she initiated the estrangement, since her son doesn't mind seeing her.

Did no contact happen because the son severely mistreated her grandchildren or maybe unapologetically killed the family dog one drunken night?

Or is this just another form of attempted control over the son? Giving him the silent treatment because he didn't do something she wanted, maybe like spending less time on his nuclear family to spend more time on her?

Very typical domineering MIL stuff. He stood up for his wife. My sister isn’t used to that in her nuclear family.

My nephew and his wife are very clear that they have zero desire for an estrangement. They just needed her to back off. My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh and I pivoted the conversation with my nephew once I realized how silly the whole thing was.

Allsorts

You have invited everyone, she has refused, it’s you that needs to respect her wishes. Her decision.
Your sister will be upset at the estrangement, it means not seeing her only son and grandchildren. You don’t know the reasons for the estrangement and shouldn't judge. She is losing out. I would attend if it were me, take any chance to see gc. However I am not her.
Invite her another time or go out with her.

You haven’t asked me if I know about the situation. I do. Your assumption is false. No one said I was pressuring her to come either, so you are wrong about that as well. I’m venting here, not to her. And I don’t respect her selfish decision.

It’s not a matter of invitation either because event is a family event open to all family. I am merely providing the venue this year, as it was my year.

He also isn’t her only son. Please ask questions before inventing your own backstory. This is a real family that is hurting, not just a bunch of words on your screen.

fancythat

What is the "silly feud"?
What may be silly to the rest of you all, may not be silly to her?

Getting upset that two independent married 30 year olds aren’t parenting the way you did is silly. She complains to anyone and everyone about how “disrespectful” they are because they push back on her dated advice and no one but her husband agrees with her. It’s silly. We are family. We are all we have. Life is too short for petty drama.

Allsorts

As for the silent treatment, just tell her you are not leaving anyone out . Don't cajole and just behave normally, if she won't speak, leave it a week and try again, if shes still refusing to speak just say you are always there for her when she decides. One of my family is a champion sulker for years at a time with everyone, often she cant remember why. I let her get on with it.

Yes I agree with this. I absolutely won’t contact her again or bring it up. I will let her come to me but I won’t discuss Christmas with her again

Smileless2012

Unfortunately when there's a family estrangement it's more than just the ones who are estranged who are often affected.

I agree with Allsorts that you need to respect her decision not to attend; you've extended an invitation and it's up to her whether or not she wishes to accept.

You've probably done so already but if not, explain that you invited your nephew and family because that's what you've always done and don't want to take sides.

Yes I’ve told them both I am not taking sides. We weren’t raised this way. Our children weren’t.

Thank you all for letting vent. I needed to get it off my chest because I can hardly discuss this in my real life without it being gossip. I needed to offload and I appreciate the feedback!

Well it sounds as if your sister is being unreasonable and seeing as you all have this opinion of her atm this will possibly make her feel isolated and defensive. Is bad enough that her son and DiL have this opinion- even if it is deserved- then if you have that opinion too it could feel like ganging up rather than proving your point.
Somewhere in all of this is a middle ground where there are no rights or wrongs just a compromise but with all the charged emotions surrounding Xmas on top of your sister falling out with her son, I think you all need to step back and give her space. No accusations, no ‘I’m right about this’ even if you are, and be sure to offer her a sisterly shoulder to cry on if she feels this is getting her down, which I imagine it must be.
All the best with this tricky situation xx

"My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh"

That sounds more than silly

@ Babs. I learned since childhood not to overshare my opinions with her. Never unsolicited and pretty much only when she expects me to think or behave contrary to my own perspective. She is more upset at the family’s “neutrality” than anything. She gets upset at anyone who doesn’t agree with her. As the older sister you learn how to manage the crazy lol. She’s just gone too far this time. We love her. She knows that. She also knows the rest of us are drama-avoidant. We only care that we get to be all together this one day a year. We are family.

Honestly sounds like she's glad this is causing so much family drama and frustration. Perhaps she was even counting on the family holidays, in a naive attempt to pressure her son to finally capitulate.

My genuine advice is that there's nothing you can do, as the responsibility lies solely to the parties involved (either the kids do what the parent wants or the parent grows up suddenly, both unlikely).

What's more important is you don't feed her desire for negativity by showing any signs of frustration with the whole situation. She will eventually give up once she realizes her method isn't getting her what she wants.

Question is if you really want someone like that around for any future event. Family or not. If anything, family should be held to a much higher standard, not a lower one.

I hope she's capable of change because it sounds like she has a lot of room to grow; if this is really the whole picture.

NougatNewt

"My sister thinks they should apologize for setting boundaries. It’s silly stuff tbh"

That sounds more than silly

For them, sure. But I have been too close to death to look at that situation as anything but.

NougatNewt

Honestly sounds like she's glad this is causing so much family drama and frustration. Perhaps she was even counting on the family holidays, in a naive attempt to pressure her son to finally capitulate.

My genuine advice is that there's nothing you can do, as the responsibility lies solely to the parties involved (either the kids do what the parent wants or the parent grows up suddenly, both unlikely).

What's more important is you don't feed her desire for negativity by showing any signs of frustration with the whole situation. She will eventually give up once she realizes her method isn't getting her what she wants.

Question is if you really want someone like that around for any future event. Family or not. If anything, family should be held to a much higher standard, not a lower one.

I hope she's capable of change because it sounds like she has a lot of room to grow; if this is really the whole picture.

I agree with this fully.

You invited everyone because you love them all and your sister has declined because her son will be there. That's that really. You can't take sides as she seems to want. Prepare yourself for her to feel that you have taken her son's side because you haven't taken hers. It doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly at the moment. Younger people parent differently these days, it's not really up to us to agree or disagree, we just have to respect that. I hope that the situation improves and your sister sees the wasted opportunity this would be to make things right again for herself, her son, her grandchildren and the wider family.

Luminance

You invited everyone because you love them all and your sister has declined because her son will be there. That's that really. You can't take sides as she seems to want. Prepare yourself for her to feel that you have taken her son's side because you haven't taken hers. It doesn't sound like she is thinking clearly at the moment. Younger people parent differently these days, it's not really up to us to agree or disagree, we just have to respect that. I hope that the situation improves and your sister sees the wasted opportunity this would be to make things right again for herself, her son, her grandchildren and the wider family.

This is really my fear. That she will inappropriately take this as the rest of us choosing sides. There shouldn’t be sides. Not in our family.

Traditions change

It is unrealistic that they will remain picture perfect forever

There are several layers here

1. The estrangement/conflict is between two people close to you - nothing you can do about it

You invited them and that's it.

2. If your sister is a drama queen, stop adding wood to the fire. Simple

3. Xmas' expectations may ruin family relationships. Same threads every year.
Thinking that two people who clearly dont get along can put their Halmark face on for family xmas traditions is truly unrealistic

You don't get to evaluate what is silly or not, you are an external party to this conflict

Which brings me to my last point

Stop making this about you, your health, about being close to death for your pov.

If you want, have one dinner/lunch with your nephew and extend another invite to your sister, when thr nephew won't be there.

It’s not just about me. It’s about her, her grandchild, her son, her daughter in law, husband, nieces, nephew, sons, brother in law. It’s about all of us. No one is okay with her attitude right now. She is being silly and I stand firm there. We are too old for this silly drama. These types of dramas may be the norm for others. Up until recently it has not been the norm for us. We aren’t a perfect family but we are also not whatever this is. I will concede that not every year will be a Hallmark Christmas, but the aftermath of this holiday will have lasting impact. Perhaps my title shouldn’t have reduced it to just a typical Christmas drama. This is about a family fracture in a small tight-knit clam driven by a particular individual. We love her dearly but enough is enough. So no, hithere, this isn’t me making it about me. I’m just the only one you’re hearing from.

So ignore her and she might stop her tantrum if she gets no attention.

Best of luck

You have invited your sister and her estranged son to a family do; she is threatening not to come.
Her decision. It is you who is making it into a family issue.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division.

Oh, the tyranny of family traditions.

I don't like my sister or her husband and daughter . My niece is a nasty piece of work, been ruined by her father. Some years ago she said she was visiting me with her baby and told me to keep the dog in the garden and vacuum the house from top to bottom!