How do I get through to her?

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

Don't worry. Just keep inviting both of them and one year one of them or both of them will grow up. Do t stop your wonderful tradition and have the best day ever!

welbeck

She sounds to be strangulated by self importance.
Why can't you just tell her she is being a prat.

She’s strangulated by a somewhat controlling nature she appears to be unaware of. She would get jealous of my friends when we were younger. She has never got along with any woman her sons have been with. Didn’t rub along with her own MIL. She is also very sensitive and does not do well with people disagreeing with her. I wish we had the kind of relationship where I could bluntly tell her to grow up but it would cause WW3. On the other hand you won’t meet a more devoted wife, mother, sister, or friend. She is loyal, when she is being kind there is no one kinder, and the way she supported my own husband and children through my illness will never, ever be forgotten.

Macadia

Don't worry. Just keep inviting both of them and one year one of them or both of them will grow up. Do t stop your wonderful tradition and have the best day ever!

thank you!

NoughatNewt

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

Tad harsh. We’re all flawed humans. Her good qualities can’t be erased by her not so great ones any more than yours and mine can be erased. If we cut out every family member with a bad attitude here and there, all family structures would crumble. She is a diva but her son is rightly holding the boundaries when it comes to his wife and child. The other son lives away so he’s living his life how he pleases. If we all maintain appropriate boundaries without the hoopla and hysterics estrangements would be fewer because we’d all be more tolerant of family. Not saying it’s possible for all, but is for many families. Flaws shouldn’t always be a death sentence for families. Society needs more tolerance and we need to start with our own.

What a great post BlessedArt . I hope with your common sense attitude to this family situation that things will get sorted and you'll have the Christmas you're hoping for.

BlessedArt

I appreciate all who took time to comment. Some blunt advice here but reading all your comments has helped.

There is nothing I can do and I need to let it go and accept that things in the family have changed, be it for better or worse.

Agreed.

Really nothing you can do. Her invite to accept or not. Don't engage in her drama - ignore and wait patiently.

An emotionally healthy response BlessedArt. Am hoping things between your sister and nephew improve soon.
All the best 🙏🏾

Babs03

An emotionally healthy response BlessedArt. Am hoping things between your sister and nephew improve soon.
All the best 🙏🏾

agreed

Absolutely correct to take the stance you are! You get to love who you love. I hope for your sake your sister doesn't escalate any further but if she does you should know that's not your fault. Some women have too strong an attachment to their own sons and are unable to see the lines they are crossing with them and their DILs.

Could you share some things exactly that your sister wants her son/dil to change about their parenting??

BlessedArt

NoughatNewt

Emotional Terrorist in the sense that:

I'm going to hold out on approval, validation, love, respect, basic human decency and communication until you give in and do what I want.

Depending on how much the victim relies on the abuser, this silent treatment can be utterly devasting and world-shattering.

Sometimes the coercive diva parent can control the entire family to ostracize a person at home entirely.

We treat prisoners better than. Reserving Solitary Confinement only for the worst, uncontrollable offenders.

Tad harsh. We’re all flawed humans. Her good qualities can’t be erased by her not so great ones any more than yours and mine can be erased. If we cut out every family member with a bad attitude here and there, all family structures would crumble. She is a diva but her son is rightly holding the boundaries when it comes to his wife and child. The other son lives away so he’s living his life how he pleases. If we all maintain appropriate boundaries without the hoopla and hysterics estrangements would be fewer because we’d all be more tolerant of family. Not saying it’s possible for all, but is for many families. Flaws shouldn’t always be a death sentence for families. Society needs more tolerance and we need to start with our own.

No, you’re right. We are all flawed individuals. The families that get on best are those that accept certain flaws in others.

Not serious stuff, I’m just talking about minor quirks and flaws. 🙂

Have you had a frank conversation with her about the falling out and the impact on herself and the wider family ?
You have done nothing wrong with keeping with tradition and inviting everyone.
I would be asking why , despite her individual feud is she wanting to make you reject your nephew and family and divide the cousins / grandchildren etc as maybe she can’t see the bigger picture.
I would imagine the “threatening not to come” is her way of saying you are my sister and you should be loyal to me ! However life is not that black and white and you just need to tell her that the whole family is important to you , that you love her and want her to be there but that it is her choice if she comes or not.
Also is it a feud that you can help to calm or mend beforehand? I feel because she hasn’t said an outright No, she does want to come really but you don’t want the tensions of the year before.

Hithere I didn't read the comment about being seriously ill in quite the same way as you. I just thought that being close to death made the disagreement seem rather trivial and the consequences out of proportion.

Just saying.

I would do the same as Babs - send a message saying how I missed chatting and simply asking how she is.