How do I get through to her?

I’m going to have to. It’s really unfortunate. For one she and I are incredibly close. It’s already abnormal that we haven’t spoken in days. Now my daughter is saying she has been ignoring her as well. I told her to leave her Auntie be and not to take it personal, but she is very hurt. My sister is like a second mother to her.

eazybee

You have invited your sister and her estranged son to a family do; she is threatening not to come.
Her decision. It is you who is making it into a family issue.

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division.

Oh, the tyranny of family traditions.

I’m not the one going around talking about it to the rest of the family, so that assumption is completely off-base. It’s my sister doing that.

Agree about the tyranny of family traditions. I don’t think anyone is openly pressuring her to go, but I do think we are setting ourselves up for disappointment by expecting it wouldn’t change. Still, it’s not a crime to want to be together one day a year.

Also, I cannot repeat this enough, I am merely host of this year’s venue. The event is a family event open to all members. There are no invitations to give or rescind. All are entitled to come.

So it is not an invite given and declined? Sister has simply informed you early she is not coming?

She asked if her son and DIL told me they planned to go. I answered yes of course. She asked me in a highly annoyed tone if I were serious. When I answered yes she stated well she’ll make alternative plans, whatever that meant. When I asked if she were joking there was a long awkward pause and then she abruptly ended the call. Hasn’t returned a phone call since and we speak almost daily.

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

swampy1961

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

'at' the front door!!

swampy1961

You have put the invite out to everyone that you wish to invite. Now they need to be told they are all welcome but if they come they leave their issues and the front door and pick them up on their way out!!

Absolutely. Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point.

So let her make alternative plans, obviously that isn’t great but it what it is. Give her some time, and get on with your usual Xmas plans. This is between your nephew and his mother and it will be upsetting to you because as you have said you are close to your sister. Would send her a text or email asking how she is but keep it light, don’t mention the fall out, just say you miss your chats. If she remains closed off take the message and just be there for her when she finally comes round.
Have a lovely Xmas all the same 🌹

"Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point."

I see lots of denial in your part

Your tradition will never be the same.
Your nephew and your sister may never be in the same room again

Your sister may ask you to pick sides

I bet it was not as trivial as you think and it was rugswept

No, it was obviously the extent of it, it just fueled the resentment that was in the background

Hithere

"Last year at the party my sister created a bit of an atmosphere having a go at my DIL over something trivial. It was brief and the moment passed. I thought that would be the extent of it all, but apparently things have devolved to this point."

I see lots of denial in your part

Your tradition will never be the same.
Your nephew and your sister may never be in the same room again

Your sister may ask you to pick sides

I bet it was not as trivial as you think and it was rugswept

No, it was obviously the extent of it, it just fueled the resentment that was in the background

I think saying they may never be in the same room again is a bit dramatic.

Yes, she can be foolish. She is pushy and imo borderline controlling. But she’s also very lovable when she is not leaning into her worst instincts. She is very loved by her family. She also my only sibling, my children’s only aunt, and more importantly the only mother my nephew has. He is not refusing to be in her presence, so I highly doubt this will be a forever feud. But it will last long if she doesn’t act her age and let it go.

Babs03

So let her make alternative plans, obviously that isn’t great but it what it is. Give her some time, and get on with your usual Xmas plans. This is between your nephew and his mother and it will be upsetting to you because as you have said you are close to your sister. Would send her a text or email asking how she is but keep it light, don’t mention the fall out, just say you miss your chats. If she remains closed off take the message and just be there for her when she finally comes round.
Have a lovely Xmas all the same 🌹

Great advice

This is a tradition we have kept since our parents died. It’s not a small matter if she doesn’t show. Everyone will be upset to see the division. My sister and her son are estranged but they are equally entitled to attend this particular family event. It’s not my place to decide who is and isn’t invited, I can only decline to host. The family would like us all to continue. My sister is the only person making an issue

You cant control what other people do or how other people feel. You have invited everyone. Now it is up to them to decide what they want to do. Your nephew has made his decision. His mother can do the same. Other members of the family can make their own minds up about the situation. You have done your bit by inviting everyone. Provide all the lovely food and traditions for those who are there and accept what will be will be. Its NOT your responsibility 💐

She does sound very like my sister who at times holds the whole family to ransom. The thing is she makes all the drama and then in the end backs down, I don't know why she is like this but it can be infuriating.

This happened a few weeks ago when she was planning our family Christmas event. When a few of us expressed our disagreement she finally backed off.

The difference with my family is that we have regular get togethers throughout the year and if someone can't make it, it doesn't matter.

It sounds as if there is a lot of pressure in your family to attend this one event, maybe because it is Christmas. I'm not sure I could deal with that kind of pressure and I feel you are the one suffering because of that pressure.

I think you just have to let this play out. The world won't end (I hope!) whatever occurs. Sometimes things have to change.
It isn't worth your allowing your sister to cause you pain over this.
If you hold your ground you may find she changes her mind and turns up all sweetness and light which is what my sister would do, after kicking up an almighty fuss beforehand.
It's just families, we love each other but at times we drive each other nuts.

BlessedArt

Dorrain

I agree with Grams2five, you have done your best and invited everyone.
Your sister, in my opinion, is pitting you against her son which I see as spiteful and childish.
As you say "Next Christmas isn't promised to any of us" and if your sister can't look at the big picture she is missing the whole point of family and Xmas celebrations.
Good luck, sometimes we have to be the adult in the room and look further than the disagreements which pop up in all relationships.

This is how I feel. She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days. These are not the values our family raised us with. We were always brought up not to turn on each other.

She didn’t explicitly say she expected me to choose, but it was so apparent in her tone and the long awkward pause before she abruptly ended our call and hasn’t answered for me in days.

This is so unfair - your sister is now pulling other family members into her feud with her son.

Whatever the cause of their estrangement, it is just so wrong to drag others into the web.

You love them both, you want both to attend the traditional family get together.

She hasn't told you to dis-invite her son, and neither should she, the ball is entirely in her court. Either she comes to the dinner or she doesn't. Her choice.

Don't be dragged into this estrangement between her and her son, it's their problem. If you involve yourself with one or the other, the rift will widen, and more than likely both will turn on you ultimately.

If you are so bothered about her coming, can you not contact her again and play the peace-maker; you say you love her and you are very close. Say you are sorry if she is upset and you do hope you will see her at the Christmas party. If she won't answer the phone push a note through her letterbox, or talk to her husband. Then you really have tried everything, and if it doesn't work, then Let It Go.

keepingquiet

She does sound very like my sister who at times holds the whole family to ransom. The thing is she makes all the drama and then in the end backs down, I don't know why she is like this but it can be infuriating.

This happened a few weeks ago when she was planning our family Christmas event. When a few of us expressed our disagreement she finally backed off.

The difference with my family is that we have regular get togethers throughout the year and if someone can't make it, it doesn't matter.

It sounds as if there is a lot of pressure in your family to attend this one event, maybe because it is Christmas. I'm not sure I could deal with that kind of pressure and I feel you are the one suffering because of that pressure.

I think you just have to let this play out. The world won't end (I hope!) whatever occurs. Sometimes things have to change.
It isn't worth your allowing your sister to cause you pain over this.
If you hold your ground you may find she changes her mind and turns up all sweetness and light which is what my sister would do, after kicking up an almighty fuss beforehand.
It's just families, we love each other but at times we drive each other nuts.

Yes! I feel like you have a strong understanding of the dynamic here.

You’re right. Things change. The family will just have to accept this.

“It’s just families, we love each but at times we drive each other nuts”. This about sums it up. Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from.

eazybee

If you are so bothered about her coming, can you not contact her again and play the peace-maker; you say you love her and you are very close. Say you are sorry if she is upset and you do hope you will see her at the Christmas party. If she won't answer the phone push a note through her letterbox, or talk to her husband. Then you really have tried everything, and if it doesn't work, then Let It Go.

I feel like any attempt to play peacemaker will backfire, so I don’t intend to get involved any further than this. I don’t want to. I need to prioritize my own mental and physical health right now. I let her know weeks ago that I’m not keen on listening to her rants against her DIL and son. I only know the information my nephew provided because they bring the baby round every few weeks or so. He has actually only spoken about it to me in the context of Christmas. It’s my sister who is going around the family trying to get people on side. My only goal during her last rant was to impress upon her that this Christmas event could be the last we all spend together. I have my opinions on their situation but I mostly keep them to myself because no good will come of getting deep into this. I love my sister. I love my nephew and his wife and child. My door is always open to them all. Always. I know there is nothing I can do. I just want my family to heal.

I appreciate all who took time to comment. Some blunt advice here but reading all your comments has helped.

There is nothing I can do and I need to let it go and accept that things in the family have changed, be it for better or worse.

BlessedArt

She asked if her son and DIL told me they planned to go. I answered yes of course. She asked me in a highly annoyed tone if I were serious. When I answered yes she stated well she’ll make alternative plans, whatever that meant. When I asked if she were joking there was a long awkward pause and then she abruptly ended the call. Hasn’t returned a phone call since and we speak almost daily.

Just a possibility, but she may have fooled you and actually been immature this entire time.

It's always easy to act mature when things are easy; when you're in control. But if she's not used to hearing the word No (perhaps when her son was smaller and didn't have the brains and/or brawn to say No), than she may truly feel like this common-sense boundary between 2 adults is actually a wholehearted attack on her (ego).

If she is actually immature, than she may truly struggle to consider the future implications of her actions. This irrational behavior in adults is usually easily explained away as some trauma-response (usually childhood), and there isn't room to think about the future under traumatic conditions.

Your best bet to solve this quickly, before the holidays is to explain her behavior is irrational and borderline abusive (I know what it's like to have a caregiver give the silent treatment as one way to enforce compliance, it doesn't feel nice). Explain to her the future consequence of her short-sighted actions, because she may really have not thought this completely through.

And just hope she has the mental capacity to accept any amount of constructive criticism to grow/change.

@NougatNewt
A tad harsh. The OP sounds irritated by her sister's behaviour but the two of them are close so I don't think she is going to tell her sister that she is borderline abusive. This sounds like a falling out rather than the result of bad parenting. Many families will be facing similar scenarios this Xmas with certain relatives refusing to be in the same room as others. Weddings and funerals are the same. I have every faith that the sister and her son will sort things out before too long and that the sort of intervention you suggest could make things ten times worse. And even if they don't sort things out any time soon is not advisable for other family members to take sides. This is between the mother and her son.

She sounds to be strangulated by self importance.
Why can't you just tell her she is being a prat.

"Fine. You will be missed. That's your decision."

I strongly agree with not getting involved in their drama. She's decided she doesn't want contact and she doesn't feel able to be in the same room with her son and his family. That's her choice. What she doesn't have the right to do is demand everyone else take "sides".

If she decides to cut everyone else off because they won't get involved, that's also her choice.

Keep in mind that you aren't obliged to give her an audience. If you just state that her choices are her choices, end of, and don't entertain rants about her son or her moaning and complaining that everyone is "against" her, if she wants attention, she's going to learn very quickly that she's not going to get what she wants. If attention is her goal, she may then adapt her behaviour.

It's such a shame that something so benign as 2 parents asking for no input on their parenting can be so easily misconstrued as "drama".

It's not drama, and it's more than silly because it's irrational and not harsh to claim it's borderline abusive.

If a friend completely stopped talking to me because I wouldn't do something with my own life that they wanted me to do differently. I would not negotiate with emotional terrorists and just cut them off in return until they stop being an immature prat.

It's no different with family members.

It's borderline abusive, look how much frustration and stress this is causing. And purely for self-centered, manipulative reasons too.

Unless the sister wants her son to stop abusing his kids or smoking in the same room as them than I have no sympathy for her childish tantrum. Especially at her age.