Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

In life it has been my experience that those who wish to say something hurtful do not leave a trail of evidence with a signature.

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

It appears you're perhaps mixing apology with begging for a discussion you wish to have? She's laid out in 6 pages what she wants/dislikes -- perhaps a way forward is to just do what she asks, in silence?

FWIW, not everyone wants to talk/debate endlessly, some people are better reading/rereading the written word, digesting and understanding.

Maybe you'd be well served by a nice Christmas holiday - get away from differing points of view? No need to think on that, just go!

Luminance

In life it has been my experience that those who wish to say something hurtful do not leave a trail of evidence with a signature.

Well, I don’t know about that. In my experience, people can be hurtful in any form. Thankfully, most people aren’t like thst though. 🙂

@DL very true.

There is such a world of difference between hearing something that is hurtful because it is disliked or disagreed with and hearing something said with intention to hurt. Always best practice to examine carefully which you are dealing with and in this case listen to so much wonderful advice here to treat it as a way to make the relationship stronger than estrangement could ever break.

Yes, very true DL.

Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness.

This is so true Baggs - it's hard if you are forthright (like me) not to interrupt with further "explanations" or questions - let alone "defensiveness". It is, however better, in my experience, to try hard to really listen - which generally goes down better - and can be a revelation!

I think the worry that someone maybe won't really be listening is why writing is a "safer" option.
It is a way of saying exactly what you mean, without interruptions.

I think this is why the OP's daughter has chosen to write.
She appears to want a resolution (in time). Take heart from that.

NotSpaghetti

^Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness.^

This is so true Baggs - it's hard if you are forthright (like me) not to interrupt with further "explanations" or questions - let alone "defensiveness". It is, however better, in my experience, to try hard to really listen - which generally goes down better - and can be a revelation!

I think the worry that someone maybe won't really be listening is why writing is a "safer" option.
It is a way of saying exactly what you mean, without interruptions.

I think this is why the OP's daughter has chosen to write.
She appears to want a resolution (in time). Take heart from that.

Excellent way to say that which so many have attempted --

Smileless2012

People generally do mean well MissA, something to take into account when responding to unasked for advice. Doing so forcefully but nicely is a good approach.

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

I heard that a few months ago, and it rang true for me.

Even a simple, “May I offer a suggestion?” can make a big difference.

I don't agree that unsolicited advice is necessarily criticism. Someone could regard 'may I offer a suggestion' as an opening to being criticised.

I think the issue is does unsolicited advice feel like criticism? If it does it's perfectly reasonable to ask for it to stop and unreasonable to carry on giving it when you now know it is causing problems.

No, neither do I.
It's just that the world is full of "experts" sometimes, who want you to benefit from their knowledge.

Anyone who doubts that should think about things like "You must be positive!" when you're ill.

People who want to tell you that their friend's mum's sister's half sister in law had the exact same thing as you; exactly the same, and she beat it by eating a wheelbarrow of fruit washed down with deworming drops.

It's said with good intentions, but it's just too much to listen to.

I agree theworriedwell.