Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Your daughter has given you a gift - how to maintain a relationship with you! Isn't that what you want?

I also see those boundaries as realistic and don't see anything wrong with them

Please learn from my case - I gave a similar list to my parents and they still thought they knew what was best for me.
We have been estranged now for more than a decade and still don't know why

You have a chance here to avoid it. Take it.

Some good advice on here.Some years ago a work colleague was very upset when her DD did much the same, not by letter but verbally.After appreciating all the help given by her parents for years, she had a few sessions of talking therapy which made her then very resentful of her parents and told them they were too involved in her life.She had no way of getting to the sessions and had asked her parents to drive her there!
Seems that sometimes parents can’t win.
Step back as asked but stay friendly. Better for you in the long run.I don’t know how old your DGS is but he’ll surely ask to see you.For Christmas leave it to your DD to decide or in a few weeks just ask them over for a meal?

Not sure why walking on eggshells come into it. Respect adults decisions about their children unless you think they are abusive. Discussing your adult children's business is surely something that shouldn't even need mentioning. Why would not being negative be problem. People being negative is so draining and must be even worse if you are dealing with providing the best for a child with autism.

I think as someone said upthread an apology is a good start.
"I never intended to hurt you. I'm SO sorry that I did"

Simply accept you have hurt her and strive to change what upsets her. I think you will soon find a happy "new normal".
Good luck.

Children who are neuro diverse can be quite exhausting.
My adult daughter is neuro diverse and because of location we only see each other 2 or 3 times a year, something I always look forward to so much.
Last month within an hour of my arrival she said "Do you know you're getting on my nerves already?"
My point being it's hurtful but better our daughters can be honest and talk to us about how they feel rather than cut themselves off (as so many here are well aware)
Please follow her requests and keep in mind coping with a neuro diverse child will be so difficult for her and won't get any easier
Thinking of you xx

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

Oh I agree Skydancer I must have missed the post suggesting Scotsnana apologise.

Looking back (a long way!), my mother was always questioning my parenting and I always resented it. She thought she knew best, I thought I'm the one working at the coalface now, so please let me get on with it. Of course, I don't know you or your daughter, so my views may not make sense. However, for what it's worth, I think yours is probably a fairly normal family dynamic - made more sensitive by all the worry that your grandson's needs are causing both of you. Stay patient and don't withdraw your moral support (which she really needs) but also don't offer any more suggestions (which she really doesn't want). Maybe just suggest to her that you both draw a line and start again with each other? If that's possible? Best of luck to you all.

Skydancer

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?

Smileless2012

It wouldn't work for me either DL. Hopefully as you say, the OP and her D will be able to have a frank and honest proper discussion in time.

In the end, honest discussion works best. There are all sorts of misunderstandings that arise with letters, texts or Emails.

But, sometimes it takes a bit of time.

NotSpaghetti

I think as someone said upthread an apology is a good start.
"I never intended to hurt you. I'm SO sorry that I did"

Simply accept you have hurt her and strive to change what upsets her. I think you will soon find a happy "new normal".
Good luck.

Indeed.

Other people can sometimes ask us questions about a family member just because they're interested.
If it's a sensitive matter I always say it's not my story to tell, if they want to know they'll have to ask the person themselves.

Good point DL, the written word can come across unintentionally as unfeeling, causing upset when none was intended.

Ziggy62 do you stay at your daughter's house, or a hotel nearby.
It does help to have somewhere to retreat to during a visit if either of you need a break!

*Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?*

Norah I absolutely agree with apologies if someone has done something wrong. But, it seems to me, all the OP has done is try to help. Her helpfulness has been misconstrued.

I don't understand what is so outrageous about apologizing to mend fences. You don't have to roll around on the floor begging and pleading. How much does a relationship mean to you if you can't respect someone's boundaries and say "I'm sorry, I will try to do better"?

It is really so simple.

Plenty of good advice here in the early comments. Listen to the wrong people and end up estranged forever. This letter is the warning you get before you get cut.

Scotsnana She wrote me a six page letter last week, saying we are too involved in their lives. She will only agree to see us again if we agree to several boundaries.

I missed that bit - read too fast.

Wonderful her grievances are detailed in writing. You can read and adapt easily without further upset and do what she asks.

She's giving you a 6 page plan to follow. Perhaps just do it!

Exactly Skydancer.

Skydancer

*Your opinion is unsolicited advice is acceptable or somehow helpful?

I'm believe in apology. What can be wrong with an apology?*

Norah I absolutely agree with apologies if someone has done something wrong. But, it seems to me, all the OP has done is try to help. Her helpfulness has been misconstrued.

I'd find it easy to issue an apology for "discussing his schooling, no negativity, no questioning any decisions they make, no discussing her family with anyone else" -- none of that is helpful in any way, imo.

I don't discuss my children's school decisions for theirs - why would I, none of my business. They, by chance, send theirs where they attended.

Why would anyone discuss one family with another? Gossip.

Why be negative? Plenty of negativity in the world without adding any.

Oh, how I feel for you. It is so easy to get ‘banished’ like this. It’s happened to me.
At the same time we are doing an excellent job of childcare . We look after our grandson once a week and know from the feedback that they are very grateful. But I honestly feel as if I can never even venture an opinion without worrying it will be seen as ‘going too far’. And I’m talking about minor things here, such as asking about what type of snowsuit/puddle suit is best. I daren’t express any view at all and am now brilliant at keeping quiet about pretty much everything. It makes the relationship rather tense and I long for the heart to hearts I used to have with my daughter. BUT we are in their lives.
I think what concerns me most is that my daughter’s generation are unwilling to talk about any tricky issues that arise. It is easier for them to ‘cancel’ us in the name of ‘self preservation’. THat leaves us out in the cold until they are ready to have us back again.
It is so hurtful and I know that I would never have treated my parents like that. My mother was incredibly difficult but she was entitled to see and spend time with her grandchildren .
Families are difficult things to navigate.
I think we tend to go with the ebb and flow and stay positive (and encourage a proper chat when things have got bad) whereas they jump to judge us . If I hear the words ‘boundary’ or ‘self preservation ‘ again I might just scream.

Why is this in the Estranged Forum? I didn't read any estrangement, just a well laid in plan to avoid being estranged by excess pride.

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Norah

Why is this in the Estranged Forum? I didn't read any estrangement, just a well laid in plan to avoid being estranged by excess pride.

To help prevent an estrangement, I guess. 🙂

People fearing estrangement often post on this forum Norah.
Maybe they feel that those who have been estranged or feared being estranged but were fortunate enough to avoid it, will have a better understanding of how they're feeling.

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