Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

I would think that by posting on an estrangement forum, a poster will expect to get responses from those who are estranged JustAThought, it kind of goes with the territory if you see what I mean.

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JustAThought

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Well, if we all have to give our own backgrounds to any reply, it's going to get a bit clogged down with everyone.

Some on here are estrangers, some estrangees, and some bounce about.

Does it matter?

I'm sure we all give honest advice. 🙂

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{hmm] then again if she obviously cares, and would rather not lose her one and only mother JustAThought she may, if she knows the OP is her mother, be more predisposed to discuss this with her mum in person, rather than just putting it in a letter.

TBF I think in addition to the OP, Scotsnana's only made one other post so hardly pouring (her) heart out into multiple pages.

Apologies JustAThought, I see pouring out one's heart into multiple pages was referring to the OP's daughter.

Posting here does give the poster the opportunity to hear from a variety of perspectives; from those who are estranged, avoided estrangement, fear being estranged and those who have no estrangement experience.

Not a bad thing to get as many points of view as you can.

DiamondLily

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Well absolutely, if Scotsnana's DD is giving unsolicited advice, being negative, discussing Scotsnana's life with other people then she needs to stop and respect those boundaries. It is indeed a 2 way street. I'd hate it if my DD was constantly being negative round me and as for discussing me with other people that is a complete no no, I'm a very private person and I'd be furious.

theworriedwell

DiamondLily

It’s a balancing act of respecting them, as parents, and not keep giving advice, but also setting your own “boundaries” to make it clear that you aren’t dancing to their tune endlessly either.

Good relationships are a two way street. Communication is key. 🙂

Well absolutely, if Scotsnana's DD is giving unsolicited advice, being negative, discussing Scotsnana's life with other people then she needs to stop and respect those boundaries. It is indeed a 2 way street. I'd hate it if my DD was constantly being negative round me and as for discussing me with other people that is a complete no no, I'm a very private person and I'd be furious.

Yes, it should be a two way street of communication, maintaining privacy, and mutual respect. 🙂

Agree with sink

Indeed DL.

Skydancer

I tend to disagree with a lot of what has been said. You simply love your family and, if they don't want to heed your advice, they don't have to. For goodness sake, you are the grandparents. Surely you can say what you think if you are just trying to be helpful. They don't have to listen. I wouldn't apologise as you have done nothing wrong. My late mother-in-law had a saying, "Don't bow to your cradle." It seems everything you have said or done is with good intentions. If I were you I'd just hang back a bit and let them get on with doing things their way. Keep your opinions to yourself as this daughter is obviously particularly touchy. In all honesty you probably do know best when it comes to a lot of things as do most of us grandparents due to a lifetime of experience.

I will always apologise, especially to friends and family. Even if I think I've done nothing wrong, I've obviously done/said something to upset them. Usually it just turns out to be a misunderstanding, or someone has misheard or misinterpreted something and we end up laughing. But sometimes it's me who is wrong and the apology is warranted and accepted.

Either way I've lost nothing and the apology makes the other person feel better and opens up the path for discussion.

People are complicated. We don't all think in the same way. What one person thinks is interfering is construed by others as being helpful and vice versa. All it takes is a hormone surge to get most of us on edge and something can go from mildly irritating to extremely annoying in a flash and then a full scale battle breaks out.

Well whatever we think the OPs DD obviously feels the OP is interfering so the easy thing to do is stop offering unwanted advice and without a doubt don't discuss her business with anyone else.

I think is really hard for the OP right now, I think we would all feel very upset if a much loved daughter or son shut us out with a very long letter given on how to do things in future. But am appreciating that must be hard for the daughter in this case, my guess is that she has stored up grievances over a long period of time without voicing them at the time, hence the long letter. Both sides feel aggrieved. So best to leave well alone for now with a view to picking this up at a later date when an honest and frank conversation can be had, with both sides ready to apologise for hurt done to the other but not simply apologising in order to swerve a difficult discussion, or nothing will be resolved.
Only communication can solve this. We can assert that the OP could have been overbearing or that the daughter is being unnecessarily hurtful by cutting her off, but somewhere in the middle is the truth and the means to make things right.
As Rumi a famous poet once said,
‘Beyond all wrongdoing
And right doing
There is a field,
I will meet you there.’

I am truly surprised at opposition to a letter. It seems to me a letter can be read and once initial feelings have calmed, easily re-read. It is also a wonderful opportunity to really be heard. Often with such a truly difficult thing to say it can be difficult to express ourselves the way we wanted or intended. In a lot of families boundaries do not need to be discussed because boundaries are passed on and down by the parents and are silent rules to live by. These boundaries are much needed and missing and if unopposed will improve this relationship incredibly.

V3ra

Ziggy62 do you stay at your daughter's house, or a hotel nearby.
It does help to have somewhere to retreat to during a visit if either of you need a break!

V3ra
I always stay in a nearby hotel, she lives in a large city, so plenty to chose from or I could stay with other family members but hotel is nice to chill out at what can be tiring (but enjoyable days/evenings)

Rumi's words are worth remembering Babs .

Babs03

I think is really hard for the OP right now, I think we would all feel very upset if a much loved daughter or son shut us out with a very long letter given on how to do things in future. But am appreciating that must be hard for the daughter in this case, my guess is that she has stored up grievances over a long period of time without voicing them at the time, hence the long letter. Both sides feel aggrieved. So best to leave well alone for now with a view to picking this up at a later date when an honest and frank conversation can be had, with both sides ready to apologise for hurt done to the other but not simply apologising in order to swerve a difficult discussion, or nothing will be resolved.
Only communication can solve this. We can assert that the OP could have been overbearing or that the daughter is being unnecessarily hurtful by cutting her off, but somewhere in the middle is the truth and the means to make things right.
As Rumi a famous poet once said,
‘Beyond all wrongdoing
And right doing
There is a field,
I will meet you there.’

Yes, you're right. A happy solution often comes in the middle ground.🙂

I think your daughter has done well to say exactly and in some detail what troubles her about what she does and does not need from you.

She has not said she does not love you nor that she wishes to be estranged!

I advise you to do exactly what your daughter thinks to be "natural" conversation.

biglouis

In respect of christmas mumsnet is filled with posts where someone is dreading the BIG family christmas with the grandparents and the in laws.

Parents increasingly seem to want to spend christmas day with just their partner and children to do things that grandparents might not approve of. Such as staying in pajamas all day, eating comfort food, and watching duff films or playing silly games, It doesnt mean the rest of the family cant come on another day but increasingly young/er families are putting in boundaries rather than gritting their teeth and hating the big traditional gatherings.

Your daughter and her partner may have hosted for years "at their request" but how much of that was out of a sense of duty?

I don't think MN threads represent real life ......I'm 59 ....I will spend Christmas day with my GC and AC at some point in the day....as will all my colleagues and friends and acquaintances .

I confess I'm always amazed at people's reluctance to apologise.
In this case it's about inadvertently upsetting someone.
It seems straightforward to me.

It almost certainly came from a place
of love - but has caused upset.

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

I agree with Septimia as well a good post

I'm so sorry Scotsnana because until your D is prepared to talk, there's nothing you can do for now.