Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

People generally do mean well MissA, something to take into account when responding to unasked for advice. Doing so forcefully but nicely is a good approach.

They do I know.
Sometimes it can be overwhelming though.

Not any specific person, not my boy, not the school or college, I just have to have time to think.

Perhaps that's how Scotsnanas daughter feels at the moment.

Your daughter has sent you an ultimatum so there is nothing to "chat" about.
What you do next is ,not apologise or explain , but send a short letter like:

"Dearest Daughter, I note all you say in your great letter, and I agree . Best love from Mum."

Miss A, I note with interest that you disdain unasked for advice. I may have been guilty of this a few weeks ago and I ask you if I went too far. I was having a friendly talk with with my polite adult grandson and at one point asked him in a friendly and interested voice "do you think you may now have done enough now?" (It was about a sensitive matter he is engaged in)

My son says I was wrong to say this. What do you think?

That's a good point MissA, sometimes taking a step back is needed to acquire the space to have time to think.

I don't see anything wrong with what you said, or how you said it, Caleo

That's just my thoughts, though.
It can be a minefield, can't it?

I get to the point sometimes where I say nothing, when I really could do with just a "chinwag" about problems.

PS, Miss A, writing down the above question to you seems to have been enough to convince me I should not have said it.

I think it depends on the relationship before any upset happened.

My DD would be swift to tell me verbally if I’d upset her, and vice versa,

I don’t really understand all these letters, texts and mails.

Apparantly, effective communication involves about 70% body language - which, obviously, wouldn’t happen in a written form. 🙂

I think with both sides taking time out, especially over Xmas, missing each other will prevail over any other hard feelings and I can see a way forwards post Xmas.
I don’t think this is an insurmountable situation but just a family struggling to get along for a while. Hopefully they will all get together and discuss what happened frankly and without rancour and move forwards closer than ever.
‘Clearing the air’ imho is this in a nutshell.

So much is lost when there isn't face to face communication and as has already been said on this thread, upset can be caused unintentionally.

I don't understand them either DL; far better IMO if boundaries are the issue to have a discussion rather than issuing an ultimatum.

Yes, there’s a lot to be said for an honest talk about how everyone feels. 🙂

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I am unsure of the relevance of how a daughter would deliver her feelings. Perhaps letters are a thing of the past for many but I still love this form of communication. Any form of communication holds validity, surely complaints that a person did not communicate in the way that is deemed right or acceptable is just another means to be controlling and quite frankly, difficult to communicate with in altogether.

So much angst could be avoided if there was better communication DL. A telephone call for me is preferable to emails and texts.

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This letter may or not have been preceeded by the daughter talking to the OP.

We only know what the OP told us

Interesting, whatisanIPban. I've noticed quite a few times during my life that people who want to dominate a relationship often object to whatever form of communication one uses.

↑ the above comment has nothing to do with my family relationships. I've just noticed it in general.

The boundaries mentioned in the OP sound perfectly reasonable to me.

We only ever know what the OP tells us Hithere.

Is just my opinion based upon my own experience but ordinarily I would find a letter/email rather formal and impersonal, and more likely to be used in order to say something someone knows could be hurtful to the recipient so is easier for them to do it this way.
Am more than happy to be proved wrong on this but this is how I personally feel about it.

I feel the same Babs, especially regarding a way of putting across something knowing that the recipient may well find hurtful.

Like you, this is based on my own experiences and is in no way suggesting this was why the OP's D sent a letter.

Babs03

Is just my opinion based upon my own experience but ordinarily I would find a letter/email rather formal and impersonal, and more likely to be used in order to say something someone knows could be hurtful to the recipient so is easier for them to do it this way.
Am more than happy to be proved wrong on this but this is how I personally feel about it.

"formal and impersonal" perhaps because the sender (whoever, not just the dd mentioned in the OP) thinks that is what's needed to get the message across. Again, I'm only talking generally.

I know individuals who simply do not take in the spoken, personal word if it's not what they want to hear. It is not lack of intelligence or anything like that, just something built into their psyche and, for all I know, not something they are aware of.

Things that are difficult to say are easier to write down. This also gives the writer time to consider, and it ensures they won't be interrupted with defensiveness. I think this is something worth bearing in mind.

I've lived all my life with people who respond better and more respectfully to the written word.

I hope the OP's problem with her dd is resolved after the 'resting' period.

Caleo

PS, Miss A, writing down the above question to you seems to have been enough to convince me I should not have said it.

Frankly, I think an adult should be free to say whatever they want.
I hope you've not fallen out over it.

I wonder how much damage is being done in the long term to relationships because people are afraid of saying what they want, regardless of how nicely they say it MissA .

My mum certainly never tiptoed around saying things to me, smileless.
I used to dread what she'd come put with next, sometimes.