Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Smileless2012

I'm so sorry Scotsnana because until your D is prepared to talk, there's nothing you can do for now.

Agree.
And sadly the more you beg for her to talk to you the more she might withdraw.

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

I think, in this case, those boundaries should be easy to follow and not too much of an obstacle you need worry about. Everyone can and should have reasonable boundaries like that

Of course you are hurt and upset Scotsnana not to mention bewildered. I think you have to go with what your daughter wants as she holds all the cards and I’m sure you most certainly don’t want to be estranged. My best suggestion is to think about your objectives I.e how to be reconciled with your daughter and how best to realise this. You may have to apologise as well as agree to her terms but if this gets you back to even being in the same room and seeing your gs do you not think it will be worth it? Then hopefully you can move on together. My best wishes in this difficult situation.

I don't think she can cope with life's pressures at the moment and might just want time to herself. Leave her be if it's her wish until she feels ready to talk. It's really up to her how she wants to parent and if she thinks things are crowding in on her.
When estrangement begins as parents we want to find out why instead of stepping back, I know I did and nothing came of it. You have posted on estrangement somyou must fear it but it needn't be so..
Drop her a note saying sorry, you won't make contract until she is ready and you will aways be there for her. Then leave her to it.

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That's sad. Firstly autism is a horrid condition and the family must be going through hell. I grew up with an autistic brother who was constantly in trouble at every school. This was way back and he went undiagnosed till adulthood unbelievably. Parents refused to take in to mental health since didn't want the stigma as autistic was called retarded back then. He is what they call high functioning autistic.

So it's obvious they are not wanting you around. That's sad but perhaps she will come around someday. Just be happy you have other children who enjoy your company. I don't care for rules like that so would just cease contact for now how unfortunate

Dear Scotsnana. It's not about you. If you spent some time learning about ASD, you would already know that Christmas and birthdays are the most horrific times for this GC. You can't make him neurotypical. Your daughter is trying to raise her son. If you are still sad for yourself, I suggest that you and your DH get educated on the life and mind of an autistic child trying to live in this society. It can be pretty awful until others (like your daughter) understand. I know this since I have ASD in my family. WrongPlanet.com is a good eye opener to start with. Best of luck. I know with the love in your heart, you can do this.

Your tears are not crying for the loss of family. You ate crying over false expectations of this family. They are no longer going to play to your tune of normalcy and your DD might be wise to school her son at home if he is punished at school for not behaving like other children or if he has sleep, eating and sensory disorders which are common with ASD. Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

In your upset Scotsnana you seem to be not seeing the trees thru the forest. And perhaps being a bit dramatic. “Now we’re the parents from hell”. Did your daughter say that ? In the six pages she wrote you discerning how she felt you were too over involved in their lives and how she needed to move forward with you did she say you’re the parents from hell? Because you didn’t mention that I’ll assume not. Instead you’re getting all up and offended that she’s cross or been upset with you and putting up a wall of I couldn’t have ! Your daughters clearly feeling she needs space , and took some. Then you “literally begged her to discuss it with you “ and so in her own way she has. She’s written to you. She wrote you six pages! Detailing how she’s been feeling and what she needs to move forward. I’m not for the life of me
Understanding what it is you’re so confused and in the dark about. So often you see truly estranged parents on her (you’re not yet there ) saying what they’d give to be told what was wrong , what to do to move forward - and you have been given just that. Furthermore the things she’s listed as needing - are so so simple to do if you wanted it. She didn’t ignore your begging she answered you. Perhaps not in the manner you wanted but she didn. She sent six pages of answer and detailed a path forward. All that’s left to do is listen to it. Draft a shirt note saying you’re sorry for causing her to feel that way and you’re there and ready to abide by the new boundaries when she’s ready. Then take a giant step back and wait. She’s clearly indicating she doesn’t want an estrangement. She wants a relationship. She needs it to be one that abides her boundaries. Surely how hard can it be to simply agree not to include your opinions on her child’s education or to talk about her personal life with others ?

Hit post too soon

What I would advise against strongly is sticking to the idea “we must sit down and chat about this “. Really you needn’t. Her boundaries here don’t seem a thing she wants to discuss. Hence the letter. It was her telling you what she needs. Don’t go into further conversations r asking for further conversations to try to negotiate those things. She’s telling you this is what she needs - accept that and agree to it. No need for discussion

In your post you asked how do you go forward. It is so simple that she put it all in writing for you. Read it and memorise it then practice:

Agree to boundaries

Don't discuss schooling

No negativity

Don't question parental decisions

Don't discuss her family affairs with others

And more.

So what can you talk about? Everything that is not forbidden in the letter. (ie. How are you? How is GC. What has her father been doing. Describe any new hobbies that you are doing. Would she like to accompany you to this park. Can we bake something together? etc...)

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

Oh, well, as I said, there seems to be a breakdown in communications. This is why talking is always better than letters, emails and texts.

There could be all sorts going on in her life which is causing her stress. It happens.

You could, perhaps, just send her a brief notelet/card apologising for upsetting her and hoping that, when things are calmer, you can both sit down and talk it through.

If you haven’t heard from her nearer to Christmas, then send a jolly, happy type card wishing them all a happy Christmas and new year.

Calm and a bit of silence can do a lot of the legwork with repairing relationships.

Meanwhile, don’t discuss her with your other daughters or anyone else, other than, obviously, your husband.

Hopefully it’ll all work itself out.

Best wishes. 💐

Why would she think you are the mother from hell because she wants to lead her life differently to what you expect. What on earth do you talk about seeing each other several times a week? I would have found that intrusive. I don't want to listen to what everyone else is doing or gossip.

I can only echo what others have said.
Whatever is going on, for the time being, your daughter doesn't want to discuss things with you.

She may need some space from everyone for now.

It isn't about you, I'd imagine, so best to do what she asks and allow her what she is asking.

I think differing expectations lead to problems so the only solution is distancing which can lead to estrangement. Ive had many years to wonder why it happened in my circumstances as thought all was ok but it couldn't have been from her point of view. Once estranged the doors shut.

We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

Do you need to sit down and chat at this point? I think she's too exhausted for that which is why she's written.
Send a note to say you are sorry to have upset her, how much I love her and how, when she is ready you would like to put this all behind you and try again to comply with her wishes.
I think make it short.

Any future conversation would then be entirely on her terms.

Septima Good advice. Agree to it all. And stick to it! My bet is she breaks it before you do! chat about the weather, plants in the garden, the neighbours you have seen, TV, etc etc. I think you will find it easy once you get going.

MissAdventure

I can only echo what others have said.
Whatever is going on, for the time being, your daughter doesn't want to discuss things with you.

She may need some space from everyone for now.

It isn't about you, I'd imagine, so best to do what she asks and allow her what she is asking.

Yes, I agree. Sometimes a bit of space, and time to quietly reflect, can work wonders. 🙂

Like others, I’m confused as to why there’s a need to have a sit down discussion.

She sent a six page letter explaining what she needs. Her boundaries aren’t up for negotiation. This isn’t an initial offer to then bargain with. She’s telling you what needs to happen.

The only thing you get to decide is if you’re going to respect her boundaries or choose estrangement.

And there’s nothing you mentioned that is extraordinary.

Agree to her boundaries - they may seem small to you, but obviously do not to her or she would not have felt the need to spell them out in a long letter.

Apologise - unreservedly.

You may think you have done nothing wrong, but she is being clear about how your actions and words come across to her and you need to be sensitive and responsive to that if you wish to have a relationship with her and with your GC.

I can almost imagine how the last conversation with your daughter went. You probably gave an opinion on what you would do in her place and telling her what others have done.

My DiL tends to load problems onto me at times (fortunately we don't meet very often) and I just nod and sympathise but never offer opinions. I just let her offload.

Just drop your daughter a note in reply to her letter saying you quite understand where she is coming from and agreeing not to offer any help or opinions in bringing up her child. Maybe cut down on the number of times you see them also - several times a week is a lot.
I feel sure you can work it out.

My boy doesnt have asd or anything.
He just doesn't behave himself, but I sometimes get overwhelmed by people giving advice, and have to be quite forceful in telling them nicely to butt out.

People mean well, and I often ask for their advice, too.