Here we go again

Maybe it is useful to look at it from the EAC’s point of view ? (which is what any EP should surely do if they have any hope of reconciliation). They believe they are doing the right thing for their child. Imagine if, say, the precious dog you have now had been the family pet and you had a message from your EAC to say that they missed them & wanted to see them & take them for a walk…without you, of course. Would you let them? Would you be happy with that? If not, why is that any different from what they’re doing? I missed my grandchildren enormously whilst we were estranged, but I understood that my son thought he was doing the right thing to keep them protected, given that he thought I was an unsuitable person for him to have a relationship with. Why would he then think I was a suitable person for his children to have a relationship with ? Just a thought….

I have expressed my opinion about parents who prevent their children from continuing the loving relationships they have with their GC, because they've decided to estrange them Grams. It's not the first time I've done so and is unlikely to be the last.

I disagree with those who feel differently, but have never said or suggested that it's not OK for them to have the opinion that they do.

Elless I am very sorry for your situation, but if you feel at peace with it then that is good. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel - I wish you well for the future.

You no longer wish to see your parents, they are not and never have been abusive, and because you no longer want to see them your stop your children who've happily seen their GP's on a regular basis from ever seeing them again. How is that doing the right thing for the children stillawip?

I have no idea why your son thought as he did, and maybe understanding his decision to prevent you from seeing your GC, made it a little easier, but the GP who doesn't understand and doesn't agree isn't wrong for feeling as they do.

Elless

Thank you all for the responses. I do know that my son would not stop my GC talking to me, of that I am sure, but I am also sure that my DiL would given the chance, I know she does not like me and I am tired of pretending to like her (again for the sake of upsetting my son). Que sera sera.

Apologies Elless, I have just remembered that you posted this, so it’s great news that you are still allowed to see your grandchildren, and that your son is happy with that. Sometimes it’s just small treasures on the way to bigger ones…

I fully agree with stillawip - similar situation years ago - fallout over something so silly, I can’t even remember. A faint recollection about my granddaughter’s exam results, come to mind. Anyway, it led to a breakdown in our relationship (middle son) , but through all that I was allowed to see the children. And from that came the reconciliation. Still not 💯 . I see them on the important - there’s no ‘popping in’ but it’s something. So Elles it could lead to better things……

While there's contact there's always a good chance that things will improve crazy. It's great that you were still allowed to see your GC and that Elles will be able to talk to hers. Not everyone's as fortunate.

BlessedArt

As much as this is not ideal, you said a two things that are very encouraging. You said you feel a weight is lifted off. You said you communicated directly with your grandchildren that your door is always open to them.

I see both statements as positives. Sometimes we can love people but the relationship may not quite be a healthy one. Love from a distance can be the way for peace. Maybe this is the case with your son. The fact that you feel a weight is lifted to me is a signal that you are on the road to peace. By no means am I suggesting you have an easy path ahead of you, but even despite the sadness of your post I see hope that one day you can move forward with closure. I wish you healing.

I agree with all of this.
I am watching someone from a distance, deal with her difficult relationship with her dad.
Eventually they came to a point they are both "happy" with - a short meet up about once a year, all amicable. Plus occasional, fake, but outwardly, everything is fine, phonecalls.

The duaghter is much happier than she used to be.

Are these all the same person.? What has happened to the moderators? This is ideal for those that have estranged people and justify why. I stumbled by accident it's nuts. pour Elless bullied off.

Are people not allowed to give advice that is contrary to what you think it should be allsorts?

Elless I remember you well and everything you went through. It's not awful to feel a weight has lifted from your shoulders. Living with uncertainty is no way to live . Last year I decided to give up all hope of seeing or hearing from my son ever again. The only person hurting was me and have been happy since I made that decision. My grandsons are now 8,6&4. Last time I saw them was only the 2 eldest they where 4&2 and never meet the youngest or even know his name of date of birth. My son told me in February 2020 they where expecting again baby due in July. And later before the estrangement it was a boy.

I am glad you still have contact with your grandchildren and hope your son and daughter in law don't stop it. I hope you are very happy in your new home .

After reading over the years what other parents have gone through I am glad to have silence . I never dreamed my son would do what he did as 4 days before had a wonderful time with him on my birthday. I have said before what hurt me the most is the realisation that my loving caring son I had for 32 years could be so cruel and cowardly by sending the email and follow up letter . I was accused of sounding like a ex lover on a deleted thread that person had a very twisted mind . But I was just a very hurt mom that my son wouldn't say it to my face . If I have a problem with someone then I tell them I don't hide behind an email and letter.

shabbygirl sorry for all you have gone and going through and had contact with your grandchildren taken away. Living far away helps as zero chance of seeing them on the street. I live in completely opposite direction to my son and daughter so zero change of me ever seeing them which I am happy with. I miss my grandsons very much but they had no choice and the 2 eldest will have forgotten me by now. But I am lucky I have a loving and caring daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's eldest 7 next month and his brother 4 who I see regularly and my daughter checks up on me via text everyday.

To all those who are estranged from family members I hope you can find peace and reach a place were it doesn't hurt so much . Hopefully 2025 will be a better year for all of you .

I am ignoring all the negative comments as usual there are those who would derail this thread . Happens everytime a new thread starts . Same old thing estranged parents are bad, estranged children good . Give me strength.

Same old thing estranged parents are bad, estranged children good .

If that is what keeps happening on here, that would be nuts.

What if, for instance, the grandparent is a paedophile?[does happen].
Or involved in a dark cult?
I would then give them limited, and very supervised access to my children.

Elless In the end you must decide what is best for you. I hope that you can keep speaking to your GC regardless of your son's decision. Presumably he feels he is doing what is best for him.

Every estrangement is different which is why generalisations from anyone is not helpful. We can all have views of particular choices and behaviours whilst knowing that there are exceptions as well; some acknowledge there are exceptions and some do not which is a subtle difference. You can read those views on here and then take what is useful

Your story is yours and only you can decide what fits your story from those views expressed 💐

Parents who are a threat to the safety and well being of their AC and also to their GC are of course quite rightly estranged fancythat and no one disputes that.

Good.

In which case I dont understand what the problems sometimes are, on threads like this, between some posters.

Sometimes the problems are caused by the assumption that all EP's/GP's are abusive in some way which is why they're estranged.

'I estranged my parent(s); we're estranged from my parents in law/m.i.l. because they're toxic, narcissistic, abusive etc so all those who have been estranged must be bad too'.

If you are now at peace, "Here we go again" doesn't sound like it.

Just an observation. I hope you truly are at peace.

fancythat if estrangement is through sexual or physical abuse of course estrangement is the only course of action .

But not everyone abused child does than when they are adults.
My dad was beaten so badly he ended up with a hole behind the back of his right ear and deaf in it . He was also malnourished along with brother and sisters only their youngest brother who had Downs was cherished and well look after by all the family . Dad was the oldest of 7 he took beatings to save his brother's and sisters. He's escape was to fight in WW2 but he never gave up on his father or stepmother . Never knew my dad's dad he died few months after I was born but knew my step nan . A nasty piece of work but dad and my mom went every week and helped out in between and when I and my brother were born we went every week. Until she died . He's oldest sister looked after my uncle so we still went every week . Dad never called it abuse as it sounded like a victim he said they didn't spare the rod . He never felt like a victim.

I grew up with strong family values things we past on to our children. My husband's looked after him but didn't show and love or have him attention but he never gave up on them he didn't like them but loved them . We went every week and if they started on us we walked out but back again the next Sunday. Because he loved them . I looked after his mom because I loved my husband still very much . Even though she denied she ever had a son or had 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings. She died 11 years after my husband. I could have done what a lot do and walked away but I couldn't she needed me her own brother only turned up after she was dead.

Not everyone who had and awful life with their parents walk away . And children do walk away from good parents because it's easy. I am a good mom , mother in law and grandmother. I know who I am and how much I love my family.and how I helped my son and daughter in law not with money but support and love. Still do with my daughter and her family.

Smileless2012

Sometimes the problems are caused by the assumption that all EP's/GP's are abusive in some way which is why they're estranged.

'I estranged my parent(s); we're estranged from my parents in law/m.i.l. because they're toxic, narcissistic, abusive etc so all those who have been estranged must be bad too'.

Ah.

That is one thing, probably the main thing which has opened my eyes on GN][probably same on other forums as well].

Bias.
I had no idea that so many people can go all the way on this.

Happens on the Political threads as well.
As in, "all things such and such does are wrong".
It is tripe.

Sorry for everything you and your family have been through Whiff.
Sounds like you handled everything very well.

I do believe there is a bias, as an EP it took many years before I could even admit that our oldest daughter wanted nothing more to do with us, and only to a few trusted friends, as well as friends on this forum, I feared that instant knee jerk response, that if our daughter had cut us off that we must have done something awful, despite the fact that our 3 other daughters were also estranged from her. Fact is that after 11 years I now have reached the stage where I feel I owe nobody an explanation, and do not deserve to be judged unless I truly have done something wrong and am in a court of law. I personally know my own story and know that we did everything we could for our daughter as we did for her sisters. Anything else is just speculation based upon a deeply rooted societal bias towards EPs.

Correction - societal bias against EPs.

I should make it clear that my GC are 18 and 14 so are old enough to make up their own minds. I can see where some people are coming from if, say, the GC were toddlers or babies it would not be possible to see them without co-operation from the EAC.

Babs03

Correction - societal bias against EPs.

I never knew that existed.