Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

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Portrait of course we mentioned things in posts to others about what happened to us as it's a way of trying to help others by sharing experiences and how we cope. So best you scroll past everything I write.

Sparkly I hope the email from your son was kind and not full of blaming you for everything.

Yogin I hope you were able to sleep last night . You can't do anymore than you have it's up to SS to look into matters and hopefully help your daughter and grandchildren .

I hate having to ask my daughter for help and decided long time ago she will never go through what I did looking after others. I have told her if I get dementia or Alzheimer's she is not to see me. She told me she will. But I will not let her go through what I did with my mom . Neither of the children know how my mom really was or how bad it got . I never wanted them to think badly of their nan. But I would still have had mom live with me last 18 months of her life even if I had known what would happen. I couldn't put her into a home .

They don't know about the fact my mother in law denied their dad ever existed or they did. I never wanted them hurt by her . But I couldn't not look after her even though I hated her for 40 years . The children still keep in touch with her and saw her when they visited me . They made sure she always had a mothers day card from them , birthday and Christmas. When she was 90 she had a birthday lunch for family and friends. My daughter and son in law couldn't go due to work but they came down the week before and took us out for a birthday lunch for her to a posh restaurant.

Her brother and sister in law didn't go to her birthday lunch and didn't do anything for her birthday apart from send a card.

The lunch was nice and she was in her element as she was the centre of attention. My son and daughter in law went and my son gave a birthday speech and toast to his nan . I heard a woman ask who he was and the person she asked said I think it's her grandson. Then the other woman said but she has no grandchildren . I soon put them right . I remember thinking how could anyone deny their own son ever existed or they had grandchildren.

The irony of it all she had me down as next of kin and she hated me as much as I hated her. But I protected her from having medical procedures she didn't want done again as she got hurt during one and made me promise not to let them do that again . So I didn't let them do it . She lived until 91 out living my husband by 11 years.

I planned years ago for what I would do if my health got worse and how I will die if I am terminal or start lossing my marbles. We all have free will and it's up to us the way we use it.
Quality of life is far better than quantity. Without quality I have send how having quantity isn't worth having .

On a lighter note had my ramp fitted yesterday. Two lovely men came wasn't expecting them but glad it's done now . The one had brought his 3 month lab puppy. She was lovely and there was shade on my drive for her portable box and she was on a long lead so she could have a walk without getting hurt. She never barked once and was very friendly. I am thrilled with my ramp plus it didn't cost me anything . Took 2.5 hours to do but it's very well build and bolted to the drive . I gave the men a tip as a thank you . And phone the company to say how pleased I was and praised the men. Because of the heat my speech was effected as well as my mobility . I tested it out while they where here . Funny enough they used materials my husband did during his working life . He was a draughtsman but last 7 years worked for himself and then in 2000 he rented a factory unit with business partner and they did steel fabrications,buildings,fire escapes etc. until he died.
No more worry about my left foot falling off the step .

My grandson's will want to use it as a climbing frame and want to scoot down it . It's not pretty but I take practical over pretty any day .

It's brilliant Whiff. Just what you need. I understand how you feel about bring a burden, no one wants that. You are not a burden however to your daughter, you are independant, loving and she wants to be there for you in an emergency, just as you would for her.
Hope Yoga is ok. She needs to know we are all here for her. She, Smileless and myself estranged at the same time.
Babs, thinking of you and wonder how this new way of living has got a little easier with time.
Smileless this is when your choice of living must be at its best. I hope Mr S is keeping the G and T topped up. I sit in the shade and read, I have a Tonic with Lime in it and read my latest book. It's too hot to shop do I make a very quick job of it.

Morning everyone.

Sending you love and (((hugs))) Yogin . I've read the responses to your heart breaking post and agree that SS simply wouldn't do what's been claimed and the police certainly wouldn't have accompanied them.

You may remember that a few years ago I contacted SS because I was so worried about my mum. They handled the situation sensitively and carefully due to the fact that my brother was living with her, and it was his influence and the affect he was having in her living conditions, that was my main concern.

Your D's husband's influence would I'm certain have had them adopting the same 'softly softly' approach. Please take care of you Yogin. She knows you love her; she knows you'd do anything to help her and that you are there for her.

Great news about the ramp Whiff' safety for you and a climbing frame and great fun for his scooter for your GS.

Oh yes Allsorts we are thrilled to be here especially at the moment, as with this fabulous weather it's like being on a permanent holiday. The lodge being smaller is so much easier to keep on top of and Mr. S. is really enjoying the garden, something he really missed as we only had a roof terrace.

Two trips to the cinema this week. 'Jurassic Park' on Tuesday and 'Shrouds' last night. Well Jurassic was very good but we have no idea what last night's film was really about!!! Back again on Tuesday to see 'Superman' so not anticipating any problems understanding that one .

Weekly shop today, relaxing on the decking this afternoon with nipping in to keep up to date with the tennis scores and then a BBQ for tea. Going to friends for a BBQ tomorrow evening and we'll have one on Sunday; we just love a BBQ.

Hope Mr. B. is managing OK in this heat Babs. Take care everyone xx

Thank you so much Babs Allsorts and Whiff it does make me feel better to read your kind posts. Feeling bad all week now. Tried phoning the SS lady I spoke to but not picking up, tried once on evening it all kicked off, 4 times yesterday and this morning. My DD told me they phoned my ex and he said what I had said was all rubbish! How would he know when he only visits once every 5yrs. I am surprised at my b.i.l reaction, but then my ex is staying with him, so no doubt lots of drinking and pot smoking!

My son has backed me 100%, which I'm so uplifted about as he is not the sort of person to do that if he doesn't believe your right or he would walk away uninterested. He said what I did was correct and responsible, trying to safeguard my estD, his sister and what his dad & uncle did was the opposite to that.

It's my youngest GD 7th birthday tomorrow, we were all going up to Hyde Park to have Picinic and take a boat out on the Serpentine. I have been uninvited, my son has said he'll not go either then, he hasn't seen his dad since he came over
and doesn't look like he will now.

So many interruptions, DD phoned twice, then upstairs had a skip delivered so I had to move my car. Whole extended family in their garden, sorting it out to put stuff in the skip!

Lost my thread of thinking now Just so worried for my estD, her situation is terrible, now 24/7 with him.

Already told this to Smiles & Allsorts* but years back a very good friend of mine, came to my wedding and all, was in hospital with throat cancer, she went missing and was found hanging in the hospital grounds by her dressing gown cord. I visit her grave, which is opposite where my M&D are, she has 2 headstones; one from her H and one from her M&D, so sad!

That's some ramp Whiff

Thank you Smiles Yes, I'm sure the police & SS didn't go rushing round to my estD place, probably just a phone call. Wish I could speak to the SS lady to find out for sure. Enjoy your BBQ you lucky thing!

Babs hope things are easier for you and your DH now he is home xx

Yogin so glad you didn't take offence at what I wrote . I was worried I would hurt you and that's the last thing I would do to you . I call my ramp industrial chic.

Sorry you got uninvited to your granddaughters birthday and glad you son isn't going. Your son and daughter will give you strength to get through this .

Even if you got to speak to the SS woman you spoke to she wouldn't be able to tell you anything due to data protection act. It's in her hands now and your daughter and family are her think they call them clients now . So can't tell you anything .

Lovely ramp Whiff and it doesn’t look bad at all, so practical, am glad you got it. And the lab pup sounds adorable.
Smiles am really glad you and Mr S are living the life in your new home, keep on enjoying it, as I always say, now more than ever, life’s too short.
Yogi, of course your son is backing you 100%, as will anyone who knows your story, including myself and others on here, you don’t need to doubt it.
Take care all 🙏🏾❤️

Allsorts, for many months our lives were turned upside down, it was traumatic and terrifying, but now Matt is improving slowly, he will never recover completely and there is the risk of another stroke or bleed on the brain, but he can walk a bit, his speech is good, and his memory is work in progress, the visual impairment should also improve with time though not fully.
I’ll take this. Is certainly better than for some stroke victims we have been in touch with via Headway a support group for people with brain injuries.
Is amazing how we can adapt and get on with a new normal.
Xx

Good to hear is some improvement for your husband Babs. Yogin so very sorry to hear all you’ve been going through…heartbreaking I’m sure, but do look after yourself as you never know a time may come when your daughter really will need you. Allsorts, Smileless and Yogin - I’m a reluctant member of your group too. Have not mentioned timelines before as EC would love to identify me on here and I probably mistakenly feel I have to be very careful. Not been on for a while as I find posts from trolls upsetting - thank you to those here who effectively report them and get messages deleted.
Your ramp looks fabulous Whiff - as you say a statement piece of industrial art 😊
Enjoy your bbqs Smiles - seems like your water issues continue but at least they’re now in the shower!!!!

Hello again Spring, nice to see you back. You know you always have support here that’s the main thing . When I first came on here many years ago estrangement was hardly spoken of but it out there re now thank goodness.

Nice to hear from you Spring. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with you are still one of the gang. And right now after everything we have been through since March I don’t think I am ready yet to battle the trolls who have no moral compass or sense of decency.
When my DH was critically ill in hospital it was the random acts of kindness that made all the difference. Trolls only know how to mete out cruelty and there is too much of that in the world already.

Spring glad to see you back. I got trolled by my daughter in law back in 2020 on a different forum. Because of not being well and having my wits about me . She wrote as a nan saying her grandson read on Reddit and put a link as she thought it was my daughter in law. Like an idiot I pressed it . She has been writing vile things about me for over a year before I moved here to live closer to my children. Her post on GN was after I had the email from my son .

I no longer care if she reads what I write on GN that's if she still does . I think most people know roughly where I live and some GN friends know exactly.

What I write is the truth and I do ramble on . I have had silence from my son for 5 years and glad of it . I wonder everyday how he is and my 3 grandson's. But I would rather have silence than what some have been through. And what Yogin is going through breaks my heart and the cruelty of the whole thing dragging her back to those bad old days . When she was happy and living her life to the full. It all seems planned . But that's just how I see it.

Estrangement is horrible and will never understand why it happened . And it does change you and how you look at things . What hurt me most is realising my son is a cruel coward.

But I am no longer the same mom he knew as he is no longer the son I know. So much has happened in my life in the last 5 years and I have no tolerance for bad behaviour.

Having this thread it's our safe place and that's down people caring about eachother. And no matter how hard over the years trolls have tried to destroy it they can't . There is a strong bond between those who post here and those that just read .

Thanks to the longevity of this thread estrangement is no longer a taboo subject. Because I am open in real life it's amazed me how many people have admitted it's happened to them . It happened just a couple of weeks someone told me she thought she was alone with this . We will talk more next time I see her as it was at the end of an event I was at.

Babs we all care about you and Mr B and glad he is making progress. It is hard when your whole world changes but you adapt and this new way of life becomes the norm . I was lucky to have a husband who just said when my health got worse we changed our life to suit what you can do and be a normal family. Our children never suffered because our life changed my daughter does remember how I was before and my son grew up with me as I am. In fact I think they grew up with an understanding that disability does mean incapable . You have your lovely daughters and your grandchildren with help grandad and you . And your grandchildren will grow with that understanding that people are different as they will help grandad and push him to do more than he thought he can. It doesn't matter how young children are they do understand more than we think . They will give Mr B a reason to fight and get stronger and as they grow will help him more . They are there for you and if they see if nannie needs a hug they will give you one. Children grow so quickly.

Final word this post at the Brain Charity I meet a man who had a stroke and his family lay bets on who would walk first him or his granddaughter who was just learning to walk . She learnt to walk unaided first but gave him a reason to do the same and he did. And they learnt to talk together .

Take care everyone it's going to be a scorcher 🥵🥵🥵🥵

Just don't ever respond to one. I can now spot one.
It's just do unbearably hot, I couldn't cool down yesterday even with fans on, I dread this weekend as its in the thirties.
Just so glad I am not on holiday. That's my moan over.
Going out now to do my shopping so I get back before 10, then I will loll. Have a good weekend everyone and stay cool.

Bit cooler here Allsorts, mid 20s which is lovely to get out and about in, good post Whiff, your rambles express how most of us cope and feel during estrangement.
So pleased Babs your husband is improving, you have all been through the emotional wringer, take care of each other.
Yogi, I cant imagine how you are coping with such a cruel situation again, please look after you, life is a bitch sometimes but we are all still standing, if only just at times
Take care all, enjoy summer 😎😎

Morning everyone.

I think your ex is lying Yogin. Why would SS 'phone him? (I don't think they would) and where did they get his number from? What a pathetic excuse for a father he is; doing nothing to try and protect his own D and trying to prevent you from doing so .

There's nothing wrong with being careful Spring. You know you can pm if there's something troubling you, that you don't want to put on the thread. Mr. S. used to worry about what I post because being so open makes me more likely to be identified, but I don't and have never cared.

Just like all of you, everything I've ever said is true. I stay here because doing so benefits me and I like to try to help others so if anyone were to have a problem with that, so be it.

We're still having a giggle over 'shower gate' Spring. No one's ever made me laugh as much as Mr. S., intentionally or not .

We have become pretty good at 'troll spotting' over the years haven't we Allsorts and previously banned posters too.

I remember you telling us that lovely story before Whiff, the GF who learned to walk and talk again with his GD was learning for the first time .

It's so good to see you posting Babs and even better when those posts are bringing the good news of his gradual recovery . Keeping you both in my prayers.

It's going to be a bit cooler here today too Bridie but still lovely and warm enough for the BBQ at our friends this evening.

Have a good day everyone.

Morning all, lot cooler today, thank goodness.

Whiff I value your opinions, as I do all the other regular posters here, so thanks everyone.

Did feel sad yesterday, knowing everyone in the family were out celebrating my GD birthday. Spoke to her for quite a while in the morning, when I wished her a happy birthday, she told me about all the lovely gifts her m&d had bought her. Her main present was a lovely little bike, but with her broken arm in a plastic she won't be able to ride it yet.

My son didn't go yesterday, which I was really, secretly pleased about, I didn't say so to him though. In the morning he said he was going as he wanted to give his motoebike a run, he was also invited to his friend who lives in a lovely log cabin in the woods, to stay the weekend. He said he'd go to both, but ended up not going to either. I didn't say anything as the day progressed, he then disappeared into his 'place' and didn't emerge till dinner time. I did send a message asking if he was ok, which he reply 'yes'. He said later that he just couldn't be bothered with it all and prefered to just relax at home. He has such a busy work life, up every day at 4.30am, so by the weekend he just needs to relax.

My DD&GDs are coming over at 1pm, for present openning and birthday cake. So I'll find out how it all went yesterday and hope my DD explained why I felt the need to contact SS. But unfortunately my estD's H seems to easily win them over.

Smiles my estD gave his number to SS as point of contact. I don't know how my ex [her dad] and her uncle can't see what I see. If they were all having lunch and my estD didn't get to say a word cos her H was monopolising the conversation, wouldn't you think they would arrange to see her on her own, she's not going to say anything in front of her controlling H is she.

Lovely to see you posting again Babs and hope to meet for coffee soon xx

Yoga, hope you are starting to feel little better. Did the WhatsApp group you have been banned from include your ex and his brother. If so that's not a good idea. I would keep your cards close to your chest from now on as ex and BIL have shown they not to be trusted. Plus your ex sees your est daughter and her husband and condones their behaviour. What sort of father is he, sitting there doing nothing yet reporting back to you as he knew you would, because you are better than him. You just be your lovely self don't let them grind you down.

Thank you Allsorts xx

Thanks for kind comments and support. Our EC has used our words against us in the past in ways we never intended, which is one reason why I’m now so careful. Sadly as others have said, not being in contact is just awful, but the lack of drama does mean we can live relatively peacefully. And for that we’re thankful. I’m also conscious that in getting older our resilience is not as strong as it perhaps once was, both emotionally and physically. We’re determined to make the most of whatever time is left to us though, like all the folk on here. Hope we can all continue to inspire each other to live freely in spite of the loss we carry.
Glad the weather has broken. Just in time for our uk holiday!!! Rain is forecast 😂

It's hard isn't it Spring As I try to help my estD, I also think of all the dramas we don't have to cope with now. Enjoy your holiday xx

Yoga, just hope you stay out of the lives of those people who only mean you harm.

Hoping you are looking after yourself yogi, will PM you.
Might be absent again, for a short time hopefully, Mr B back in hospital with another bleed on the brain. We have a routine now, get the ‘grab bag’ from under the stairs with everything ready in it, then off we go again.
Is a small bleed this time though and they think it will stop soon so he could be back home in the next 2 days.
Take care all
🙏🏾❤️

Sorry to hear that Babs, hope he is home soon, so stressful for you all, take care x