Son has signed out

I didn’t think it was debatable that being yelled and cursed at wasn’t reason enough to distance from someone. Is it forgivable? Maybe, but that’s for the person being yelled and cursed at to decide—no one else. Respectful communication does not require anyone to be perfect. It just requires a bit of consideration and maturity.

NorthernRiverDad, if you are still reading: let go of your upset toward your son. No doubt, it hurts to feel rejection from one’s child. I also can’t help but to feel empathetic toward what your son and daughter must be feeling to need the distance between you. However, your anger at his response to your inappropriate behaviour won’t bring you closer to him. Anger has already done enough damage to your relationship. It’s self-defeating. Give more time and more space. Show your son what you could not during your last encounter, which is that you respect that he is an adult with full autonomy. Respect his decision. It’s possible he may eventually want a limited relationship, which is better than none.

I've no idea.
Most families have conflict at some point, and it usually results in arguments, swearing, makes squaring up to each othet in some cases.

Telling a 3 year old to eff off seems rather more disturbing than saying it to a 43 year old, to me.

I'm afrad i can't fathom killing someone with swearing.
Its almost a term of endearment around these parts.

I think at a certain point in life, if you don’t have the self-control to not explode at another adult simply because you don’t get your way, one should seek anger management help. Adults throwing tantrums should in no way be normalized or played down. It’s damaging, hence the relationship breakdown. I’d view it the same way whether the person on the receiving end were 3 yrs old, 43, son, spouse, or friend. The damage may manifest differently depending on the relation, but damage is inevitable in one way or another.

The only answer is to work on one’s self so that out of control anger doesn’t isolate any more loved ones. I am blessed to not be exposed to anyone with explosive outbursts of anger, but I cannot imagine I’d desire closeness with anyone after being on the receiving end unless that person was willing to cease the behaviour and work on themselves.

Swearing doesnt mean loss if control, necessarily.

I'd rather be sworn at than have a parent go on, and on, and on, and on......
Perhaps letting things go is more mature?

There are cultural variations, and differences in regional word choices.

It happens.

Youre being utterly ridiculous, obviously have some sort of grudge to bear.

Maybe your own relationship with your parents is broken, but either way, perhaps don't assume you can take it out on peopke who have nothing to do with your life and how you see fit to run it.

Perfectly, you seem to think, but I've my doubts.

If someone were yelling and swearing at me because they didn’t get their way, I would indeed move on. For me that means moving on and away from the relationship. It’s not a sign of maturity to accept verbal abuse simply because the other party wants you to. Furthermore if one of two parties is shouting and swearing at the other—and the other declines to further engage—maturity is being displayed by whomever disengages. Life is too short to subject yourself to unacceptable behaviour repeatedly. No adult is obligated to accept any uncivil treatment from another adult, no matter who they are.

Thats true, too.
Its all very complex, the art of mixing with other people.

Swearing + losing it equals a lack of control. Acknowledging this may help NorthernRiverDad work on fixing his fixing the behaviour. Downplaying it could very well ensure he is permanently estranged. I guess it’s a matter of choosing between being “right” or having one’s children in their lives. I know what I’d choose every time.

I'm on the fence there.
I wouldn't and couldn't bend myself into someone i don't recognise in order to keep my child/ren in my life.

Hopefully, my child wouldn't expect it of me, either.

MissAdventure

I'm on the fence there.
I wouldn't and couldn't bend myself into someone i don't recognise in order to keep my child/ren in my life.

Hopefully, my child wouldn't expect it of me, either.

Just to clarify, you're saying making changes to not lose it and swear at loved ones, equals bending oneself into a someone they don't recognize?

I'm not really saying anything much.
Mostly just musing.

It depends on the situation, etc.
As everything does.

I have seen parents on here who have gone to ridiculous lengths in order to not lose contact.

That, i would not do, but I'd probably not swear if that was what it took.
Of course, i would expect reciprocation from my adult child, that they too, would stop doing things if i thought they were abusive.

Ok, well in the situation with the earlier poster and his son, who he lost it on and swore at. Would you advise him to make efforts to not behave that way in the future?

I could advise all sorts of things, but i don't see any reason that someone would take heed of me.
Probably best not to swear, but i wouldn't go in all guns blazing, talking of abuse.

Still, we're all different.

I wouldn't call labeling "losing it and swearing at loved ones" as verbal abuse - going in guns blazing. Seems like a hard, but accurate truth. We're all different indeed.

It’s verbal abuse, without question. Personal anecdotes of normalised uncivil behaviour don’t negate the fact that shouting and swearing at people in anger is verbal abuse. We don’t get to decide for others which individuals we should accept such abuse from either. Judging anyone as immature or cruel for refusing to engage in such a relationship is an alarming mindset to have.

Wow - no wonder so many posters never come back…!

BlessedArt

It’s verbal abuse, without question. Personal anecdotes of normalised uncivil behaviour don’t negate the fact that shouting and swearing at people in anger is verbal abuse. We don’t get to decide for others which individuals we should accept such abuse from either. Judging anyone as immature or cruel for refusing to engage in such a relationship is an alarming mindset to have.

Just as you don't get to decide to home in on one particular poster, ad nauseum, as you and your cohorts have for at least the last 4 of 5 years, in various guises.

Even more alarming, I'd say, and I'm glad people are beginning to see it.

To be fair, it takes two to make an argument. If posters didn’t constantly challenge others’ posts instead of just ignoring them, OP’s questions would be addressed much better for them!

That's very true.
Me included in that.

Well, that’s just what I have realised - some people will never change their opinion on estrangement, so it is pointless trying to argue with them. A complete waste of time and sooooo boring for everyone else. Just ignore baiting comments & keep to the original point!

What was the original point in your view?