Son has signed out

Well here's a radical thought User sometimes the parent whose been estranged is the victim but that's irrelevant here because no one has said that she is, including the OP.

There is lots of good advice here and I do hope it helps the OP - I feel for you and know if it were me and one of my children I'd be hurting a lot. If it were me I would want to listen with understanding and avoid making it a battle about who is right or wrong - I am sure you did all you could to be a good mother but none of us got everything right with our children, and memories are unreliable. In the end listening, caring, telling him you love and miss him and being patient might be the best pathway to a happier place. I do hope so and wish you and your son a happier way ahead.

I too have same thought of thing with my daughter, a raft of what I had done or not done, we sorted it out but she would change the goal posts. I know how heartbreaking it is when you know you have not done anything that is so uncalled for in the way hes treating you. I really hope you can sort it with him. Personally I wouldn't ask his siblings to get involved.

User, can you really imagine that the OP doesn’t spend almost every waking minute “reflecting” on the possible causes of the rift between herself and her son? I doubt whether she needs “encouragement” to do so.

Nobody suffers from a family estrangement without every past incident being mentally churned over and revisited again and again, in an attempt to see where things could have been done differently on either side.

There is no evidence that the OP excuses her role in the conflict by claiming to be a victim. She’s just expressing her sadness and anger, and this should be a safe space to do so.

Thanks for that heads up as it seemed odd that two people have said such nasty things in an almost identical way.

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

They say you can choose friends but not family. He's obviously decided you're not his choice.

Babs03

So sorry you are going through this. The good news is that even though your son is blanking you this has only been since Jan, and I know it feels like an eternity right now but it really isn’t, there is still time for your son to come round. You mention your other ACs, his brother and sister, have they any idea why he is doing this?
My advice would be to simply send an email or letter saying you understand that he needs space right now but you are there if he needs you and that you love him very much. And leave it at that for now, get on with your life and try to fill your time with things that you enjoy which will distract you from this situation, as well as holding those who are still close to you even closer.
You can’t force this or change it your son is a grown man who has made his own decision about this for now.
Wishing you well
🌹🙏🏾

Great Advice from Babs. Do send a letter to him .

Sorry you are so upset love.
It must be very difficult.

All the best

🌻😻💐

Xxx

TopNan1

I wasn't okay, no, when I read their comments. Why are there always these people who love to kick people when they're really down.

I really don’t know TopNan, but don’t let that put you off - they or he/she would love it if it did - there are many people on here, some who have suffered estrangement and survived, myself included, but the majority have given good advice and am sure wish you well. As do I 🌹🙏🏾

I'm so sorry TopNan, please put the nasty comments out of your mind as more often than not the posters who make them have their own agenda.

Doodledog

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

"There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence."

Oh you sweet summer child.

Well, I'm glad you've had the privilege of never experiencing a relationship so objectively wrong that all you can think of is violence.

You don't know Doodledog so have no idea what she may or may not have experienced in relationships ByeHere.

I might serve you to appreciate that not everyone judges others based only on what they themselves have experienced.

Doodledog

Nobody is saying that the OP is a victim though. People have made suggestions as to how she can try to instigate a discussion with her son. That would mean that he could explain why he feels as he does, and they could talk things through.

She didn't outright call herself a victim, but reading between the lines, she certainly paints herself as one.

"My son has blanked me since January"

"He hit me with a broadside of complaints and reasons why he'd stopped talking to me. Most were totally unjustified"

"Why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me."

"I think my son has completely blown our family apart. I'm not sure I even like him anymore!!"

Also it's weird that so many people are calling him abusive in this thread. Rereading the OP, I think people mistook the line "He hit me [with a broadside of complaints]" literally instead of figuratively.

Unless they think choosing to estrange is abuse in itself...

Smileless2012

You don't know Doodledog so have no idea what she may or may not have experienced in relationships ByeHere.

I might serve you to appreciate that not everyone judges others based only on what they themselves have experienced.

Well I do know that she believes there is no objectively wrong way to behave in a relationship outside of violence.

That tells me she has never had a relationship (or parent) that has told them truly horrendous things, like that they are worthless or should kill themselves.

That's objectively wrong, but she couldn't even imagine that happening!

Must be so nice! Ignorant, but nice!

Has someone told you that you are worthless or should kill yourself ByeHere? If so that's awful and I'm sorry but 'attacking' posters here isn't going to help is it.

You are one of many and please ignore the nasty comments from a certain gransnetter
Maybe her childhood was appalling.

I also had a hard childhood ,but I still honoured my parents in speaking politely to them and caring for them .
Life is tough these days and unfortunately our kids have such high expectations I think that they exchange thoughts on social media and influence each other . I've wondered if this generation just can't deal with adult life .

I have a friend who has brought up her granddaughter from birth and her reward to be continually insulted by her daughter .
That includes putting cat vomit in her bed .
She doesn't know what she's done wrong .
It's possibly been caused by her marital breakup.

My advice to you is -
not to phone nor message your son.
Just remember his birthday and Christmas with a card and small gift and back off .
If the gifts and cards are returned then stop them .
This estrangement can continue for years -don't be surprised .
It usually resolves itself.
I wish you well .

I think Esmay is right but we don’t know as everyone has said the circumstances, but who doesn’t love their children and would go to the ends of the earth for them. I’m so sorry for TopNan and hope you can welcome your son back soon,
I didn’t however think I would ever read such vile, nasty comments as I have today.

I seem to have upset you, Hithere.

I didn't say there is no right or wrong except for violence, though. I said except for things like violence - meaning that 'right' and 'wrong' in relationships are subjective outside of fairly clear-cut parameters. But you know that, I'm sure, and are just being aggressive.

The OP has not been given blind support, and I am by no means a 'sweet summer child', I can assure you. You, however, have shown by saying those things that you pass judgement without understanding circumstances, leap to conclusions (such as what I can imagine, what I have experienced and more) and are quick to attack.

What I don't understand is why you feel the need to attack a poster who is clearly upset already. What do you get out of it? Carry on calling me names if it helps 🤷‍♀️, but the OP doesn't need it, I'm sure.

Hithere has been a poster here for years. I have a hard time believing that they would suddenly create an alter ego just to say the same thing.

OP I’m sorry you are struggling. I think madgran has given wonderful advice. Many strange parents have stated that they wished they had reasons no matter how ridiculous for why their children walked away. You do have reasons whether you agree with them or not. That is a bonus as it allows you to use madgrans advice to the fullest.

To set the record straight

My one and only comment - apart from this one - it is in page one

So two comments in total - counting this one.

Doodledog, I didn't get upset at all!

Sorry, I meant to address ByeHere. I suspect you are being set up, Hithere.

ByeHere

"I can only own one of his accusations but my attitude at that time was defensive because I was going through a lot of stress and grief."

Maybe that single accusation (that you both can at least agree happened) is very important, and your abysmal attitude regarding it probably leaves a lot to be desired from a parental figure who is supposed to be mature and definitely wiser.

"I feel like it's the oceans and puddles thing now - why should I jump over an ocean for him when he's not prepared to jump over a puddle for me."

If you have such a dysfunctional view on the relationship with your child, it leaves to wonder what else you get wrong. Probably a whole myriad of things. Very important things.

Obviously the same sad person as HiThere. Anold fashioned Troll. Thought they were dying out.

ByeHere

I am not HiThere

Still a troll though.

Maelil

What a sad, damaged person you must be to be so full of bile.

Do you mean me???

ByeHere

Maremia

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Ok, lets all give it to her!

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

xoxo

Wow! Who bit your nose this morning?
If you can't be supportive or offer any help without being mean then, please, don't say anything at all. Constructive criticism is just that, constructive but not mean or nasty.