Son has signed out

Please don't take any notice of Hi/bye here/there.. Two of a kind, or should I say one of a kind...

Looking at it from a distance of course but seems to me that your son sees things one way and you see things a different way. (Forget what your other children say as they may well have just agreed with you for a quiet life and to make you feel better).
Your son was quite brave to say all of this to you and you're understandably very upset but if you want to get past this then it seems to me the only way is to talk to him. If he's not agreeable to this then maybe a calm letter saying you want to keep in touch, you do love him etc and saying how sorry you are that he sees things the way he does and then in broad strokes explaining things from your point of view and expressing sincere hope that you can get past this and re-establish a better relationship.

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Mums jump Oceans

knspol

Looking at it from a distance of course but seems to me that your son sees things one way and you see things a different way. (Forget what your other children say as they may well have just agreed with you for a quiet life and to make you feel better).
Your son was quite brave to say all of this to you and you're understandably very upset but if you want to get past this then it seems to me the only way is to talk to him. If he's not agreeable to this then maybe a calm letter saying you want to keep in touch, you do love him etc and saying how sorry you are that he sees things the way he does and then in broad strokes explaining things from your point of view and expressing sincere hope that you can get past this and re-establish a better relationship.

I agree. People never agree to past complaints or problems.

Perhaps just write a kind note expressing your love and giving apologies for any upset. Wait patiently until time to send Holiday greetings.

Maremia

We don't really need to know both sides though, do we? It's not a court case. TopNan is looking for help.

Ok, lets all give it to her!

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

xoxo

So, what was actually said/done? Until you come clean about that, all we can do is pick sides.

OK, this is Gransnet, we're basically here for you and we're sorry you're upset. Now, WHAT HAPPENED? If it was truly trivial and/or justified, why wouldn't you have just told us straight out?

You are far from the first to have 'said too much' and found it hard to apologise!

Don't apologise to the abuser. Set boundaries about what you will not tolerate. And be nice when he chooses to be nice.

I assure you that he will be back eventually. Just stay neutral and be kind when he contact’s you.

I think Byehere or is it Hithere needs to grow up and stop trying to stir the pot and make a miserable situation worse

Exaltedwombat she doesn’t need to tell us details the lady is asking for support and some general ideas no need to go into her life story

I understand your pain 😔

TopNan - Your son is a big stinky doodoo head and is awful for tearing apart your family. His perspective is completely and wholly unjustified because as your username suggests, you are the TOP NAN so any problem he has can't possibly be your fault!

🙄 Dear me!

Stirring the pot and making a miserable situation worse seems to be the aim doesn't it BlueBelle but thankfully that is out weighed by the sensible responses.

I very much doubt that had the OP been thinking about sharing more Exaltedwombat she'd feel inclined to do so now and I can't say I blame her.

So sorry you’re in this situation Topnan I’m sure you always did your best with all your children which is all any of us can do. One of my very good friends was in a similar situation with one of her 2 sons. She was divorced from their father who was a horrible piece of work and who made little or no positive contribution to their lives. However after he died ( from alcoholism) the younger son cut off all contact with her and told the other son he did not want her in his life because she was toxic. She is the least toxic person you could imagine and has always been there for both her sons emotionally and financially. She was heartbroken but wrote to him saying that she loved him and always would. She continued keeping in contact tho he didn’t respond. Anyway after about a year he made contact and is now reconciled with her although he has never apologised or given an explanation for his conduct. She doesn’t question him and is happier that at least they have some kind of relationship. Maybe a similar approach would help?

TopNan I suggest you give yourself a bit of time to think this through. Write down the key points he made and consider each one carefully. What you think he is right about/half right about/not right about. Consider why he might think what he thinks; what might have given him that impression or made him feel as he feels. Use that understanding to acknowledge what you feel you can of what he says.

Write down what you think about your own behaviour in each scenario; did it happen; what did you do or say. Consider why you did /said what you did.

Then think about your ocean/puddle question. Consider that if you feel that is your cut off line then stick with that. But if you want to try to reconcile then do you need to be the "grown up"; make that first move; open the door of potential reconciliation a crack?

If you feel you can I would send a gentle note to say:

" I understand you are angry and need space. I am here and willing to listen if and when you are ready"

If he makes contact just listen. Dont justify; dont argue; just LISTEN" Then ask him to LISTEN just as you have. Tell him you love him/miss him. Tell him you accept that is how he feels. Tell him you know you did and know why that made him angry.

After that your next decisions will come from how he responds to all this. 💐

TopNan - I’ve got one of those - a very difficult ‘middle child’….we were estranged for a short time, and are on the verge again.
He texted me yesterday to tell me off for lending my car to my grandson (daughter’s son) for a short time. It’s none of his business - my car, my business. 😡

Highly recommend the book “Feeling Good Together by psychiatrist Dr David Burns

A wise person once said a mother's place is in the wrong and I think this happens with some adult children. Lots of good advice here. Keep contact if you can with your son. He may have a change of heart in the future.

This is a support thread not a sit in judgement thread so to those trying to hijack it and put forward harsh judgements I suggest you go back to Reddit pronto.
Parents and ACs alike come on here for support during a heartbreaking estrangement, they need help and kindly advice.
Which most on this thread realise.

ByeHere

I didn't say she is sleeping well, I said sleep better. As in, find support, even if they are wrong.

Details will show if OP is to blame or if the son is unfair.

If OP is to blame, than she should work on herself to fix the relationship.

If the son is being unfair, than OP needs to accept that reality and just hope he comes around one day.

They're already at a point where they can discuss the reasons for the estrangement. Unfortunately, she's unable to see his perspective. And what little perspective she is able was received immaturely.

Why dies it matter if the OP is 'wrong' in your opinion? There is no objectively 'wrong' or 'right' in relationships, outside of something like violence.

People can be supportive without condoning anything, or leaping to judgement one way or the other.

I feel your pain too. The pain has got worse for me with each passing day/month/year. It's constant torture. Birthdays/anniversaries/xmas are a killer.
A few have advised to write to your DS. From experience, I wouldn't. I hope you can find a way back x

I always find it interesting that once an AC chooses estrangement every issue leading up to that is suddenly irrelevant. The AC chose to destroy the family. Somehow everything was perfect and healthy until the AC came and ruined it single handedly for no good reason.

The truth is that relationships with immediate family don't just blow up without any reason. I'm not blaming any particular person because I don't know. I just don't think blind support without any contrary point of view is helpful.

There is something underneath estrangement ALWAYS. There is build up to a breaking point every single time. Ignoring the context when you've been estranged is just twisting the situation to make yourself into a victim. It feels better to be a victim than to be part of the problem. But viewing yourself as the victim also ruins any chance of reconciliation.

The OP isn't obligated to share what the conflict is about but really should be encouraged to reflect on it. I would highly discourage dismissing their issues as untrue or not your fault. Instead acknowledge their POV and make the feel heard. You may not think it's accurate but they do and that does matter. If you think it doesn't matter, than estrangement was actually the right choice.

There are multiple sides to the story and acknowledging all sides is key. Fail to do that and the relationship fails.

Byehere and Hithere probably the same person are just trying to stir the pot and be completely obnoxious to someone already suffering and coming on here for some comfort and maybe advice
Take no notice of those toxic posts ’

Nobody is saying that the OP is a victim though. People have made suggestions as to how she can try to instigate a discussion with her son. That would mean that he could explain why he feels as he does, and they could talk things through.

@User, we are not trained counsellors, we can only offer help and support when people reach out. And the advice to give the young man space whilst saying the OP is there for him and loves him very much is imho the best we can do unless she comes back to give more details and asks for further help. Her call. We cannot over step the mark with our own speculations.
We can only be there if the OP needs more help.