Son has signed out

That's how we lost our youngest son and only GC Starfire and Hilltop.

💐 Smileless, Hilltop and Starfire, it happens a lot. These manilulative people want to be the one and only, that's not love it's control. They fell for the men you raised, then want you gone.

Hithere

Your son gave you a gift - his side of the story and what you could do to improve the situation

However, his reasons are not good enough for you (as if you are the judge of that) and "he broke the family" - read with sarcasm

Have you actually read the post, or just jumped in as usual? 🙄

Hilltop

Starfire57, that makes such sense. I have lost my son that way.

I'm sorry.

Allsorts

💐 Smileless, Hilltop and Starfire, it happens a lot. These manilulative people want to be the one and only, that's not love it's control. They fell for the men you raised, then want you gone.

Truth right there!!! It's sickens me.

Smileless2012

That's how we lost our youngest son and only GC Starfire and Hilltop.

I feel for you. Especially the only GC as well on top of your son. There are horrible people out there, and it's the bad end of luck of the draw if your child befriends or loves one of those.

Who is right and who is wrong does not really matter when you love your child does it? Can you not just say thank you for sharing how you feel (his feeling are valid whatever the truth may be) and ask if there is a way forward for you to rebuild your relationship.
Leave any judgement to one side.

Maelil

What a sad, damaged person you must be to be so full of bile.

What an awful thing to accuse someone of
You obviously have nothing constructive to say.

You sound very sad and full of bile yourself.

Sorry DS is causing you angst, waiting quietly may be best.

Flippinheck

Hithere

Your son gave you a gift - his side of the story and what you could do to improve the situation

However, his reasons are not good enough for you (as if you are the judge of that) and "he broke the family" - read with sarcasm

Anyone who can write something so bitter and judgemental clearly has issues. Perhaps you need help yourself Hithere?

Hithere, if you didn’t like the OP post why did you bother to reply with venom rather than scroll on, you make yourself sound like a nasty vicious person

Am afraid some posters project their own life experiences onto an OP whose life they can only get a snapshot of when reading a post on here. They have not walked in their shoes.
This can put off posters looking for advice and support rather than unkind comments and unfair judgements.
I can only hope the OP returns to let us know how things are now.

Topnani, you don't know what your son is going through, he knows you love him, all you can do is message him telling him that and get on with your life. It's really hard at first, but continue to send him birthday and chridtmas cards, he has distanced not you.

Cambsnan

Who is right and who is wrong does not really matter when you love your child does it? Can you not just say thank you for sharing how you feel (his feeling are valid whatever the truth may be) and ask if there is a way forward for you to rebuild your relationship.
Leave any judgement to one side.

Omg. If only it were that easy !

It sounds so reasonable, what you are suggesting, but unfortunately, sometimes these estranged adults are not reasonable.

I am not estranged but have noticed more distancing and lots and lots of criticism towards me since my daughter's divorce.

As if it's my fault she chose such a loser who couldn't stand getting older and snagged some damaged younger girl who's dad just left her and mom too.

So I worry, and I have done this many, many times..... apologized, explained myself, etc. and really, I am starting to think it only fuels the fire.

Best to ignore a lot of it, be angry or sad in private and get on for the grandkids sake.

If adult children want to estrange, sometimes it doesn't take much these days. But I remind myself to use every advantage to avoid it and not hand it to her on a silver platter.

Hopefully, it will get better or at least not worse until the grandkids are old enough to decide for themselves. These adult children are crazy with power they have over parents and their own kids but that will not last forever.

Just like we lost our power, they will too. Might end up worse for them; teaching their kids to have no loyalty may bite them back someday.

@Starfire57

You are right, taking accusations and in some cases verbal abuse whilst remaining calm and able to respond without showing any anger is not just hard but imho enabling the adult child to carry on doing this. I know. I have been there. My estD hurled so much abuse our way and we bowed our heads and took a hail of hatred whilst apologising for whatever she accused us of.
It was horrible but we thought that extending our love towards her would finally work and we could once again have our loving caring daughter back and see our GCs who were just babies then. As I suffered a breakdown our other three daughters intervened and said we were being abused and to do what our estD wanted, to get out of her life before she destroyed ours.
So we did, and it definitely saved my life.
When we call them adult children they are not children they are adults capable of inflicting hurt and pain and taking no responsibility for it and in some cases it is the parents who are vulnerable.
We need to think outside the envelope sometimes and realise that in this country right now, just as there are ACs who have abusive or uncaring parents this works vice versa and many parents/grandparents put up with this without raising their heads because they are scared they will no longer be able to see their ACs or GCs.

Babs03

@Starfire57

You are right, taking accusations and in some cases verbal abuse whilst remaining calm and able to respond without showing any anger is not just hard but imho enabling the adult child to carry on doing this. I know. I have been there. My estD hurled so much abuse our way and we bowed our heads and took a hail of hatred whilst apologising for whatever she accused us of.
It was horrible but we thought that extending our love towards her would finally work and we could once again have our loving caring daughter back and see our GCs who were just babies then. As I suffered a breakdown our other three daughters intervened and said we were being abused and to do what our estD wanted, to get out of her life before she destroyed ours.
So we did, and it definitely saved my life.
When we call them adult children they are not children they are adults capable of inflicting hurt and pain and taking no responsibility for it and in some cases it is the parents who are vulnerable.
We need to think outside the envelope sometimes and realise that in this country right now, just as there are ACs who have abusive or uncaring parents this works vice versa and many parents/grandparents put up with this without raising their heads because they are scared they will no longer be able to see their ACs or GCs.

I am so sorry. There is a lot I don't say or do in fear too.

But I noticed the more I let that dictate my actions, the more trouble I got into!!!

I guess they call that trying too hard?

Now I let things lay; I don't apologize for trivial things. I may say oh, I didn't realize, or whatever.

In the past, even if I simply thought I did something, I would apologize and then notice not only would I be told off, but past nonsense would be brought up and then came the vastly untrue assumptions of my intentions and, literal judgment of my character and how I raised my own kids!!

Then I would have to defend defend and hope I didn't blow it. It sometimes would be a whole afternoon of texting back and forth in panic. Usually over the smallest thing that may have just blown over, but I worried so much.

The worry that the one time she estranged me for 6 weeks would turn into forever.

Now, since I went to a therapist, I've learned.....unless it's a direct attack, anything that goes a bit wrong, I let it lay.

I don't bring it up in future conversations, make apologies to things "if" I noticed a look of disapproval, to smooth anything over like I used to....all I would get is more criticism, really. It would never end well.

I misdirect all the time now too; during a visit when I see my daughter get huffy about something with the kids (to which is just nothing but control) then I may spend some time later talking with her about her life and going's on and slip in some compliments along the conversation.

Not necessary too much, as these grown kids today are complete narcissists, but just a little attention to create inattention to whatever dumb thing she tried to make an issue of.

It's becoming like a game. Yes, as a grandparent with limited power over things, I don't expect to win; just staying in the game is a victory these days.

I would jump over all the world's oceans to put this right even if my child seemed unwilling to traverse a tiny puddle. I can be tough and a bit unforgiving with friends or siblings but my children? Unless actual abuse is involved, I would keep that door open even if my fingers are crushed in the process. "You are only as happy as your unhappiest child". For me it's the truth. Only you can decide what, if anything, to do but my advice would be to keep trying and listening. I am sorry you're suffering and hope you can find a way through it.

Cambsnan

Who is right and who is wrong does not really matter when you love your child does it? Can you not just say thank you for sharing how you feel (his feeling are valid whatever the truth may be) and ask if there is a way forward for you to rebuild your relationship.
Leave any judgement to one side.

Reasonable approach, perhaps a way forward.

I was driven away from this forum by two ( or are they the same person) individuals who thought it was a good idea to twist the knife in an already gaping wound. As an update, things aren't really much better despite talks and there us no talking as he's not phoned me or answered any calls since November. My very close cousin has just been diagnosed with MND and apart from an initial "oh that's bad" he's not bothered to enquire after him or make any contact since Feb 25th. I've decided to cut him loose as I've been so depressed about it all, to the point of not wanting to live anymore. Luckily my grandson gives me the will to keep on and that's not taking it away from the rest of my family re support and love we share. He's just such an innocent and absolutely full of beans, loving life and he just sweeps me up in it..... and he's only 3! Thanks to all for your advice,it means a lot. The other two, well give your heads a nice wobble and then do one!

Hello again TopNan, it was good of you to come back with an update but I'm sorry there's not really been any improvement.

FWIW I think that 'cutting him loose' is the right decision especially as trying to maintain contact is having such a detrimental affect on your quality of life.

It was lovely to read what you said about your GS, he sounds terrific so embrace his love and the love and support you have from the rest of your family.

Take care and be happy .

Her son doesn’t feel that is it is untrue. OP doesn’t get to invalidate someone else’s experience. The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
This sounds just like my mom, “hey Mom when you said X it really hurt my feelings,” my mom-“ I don’t remember saying that”
It doesn’t mean she didn’t say it though.
If somebody comes to you with an incident where you hurt them, and you just shut them out. Don’t expect them to come back and talk to you. This post is full of the missing missing reasons.

"The OP doesn't get to invalidate someone else's experience" and yet you appear to be invalidating the OP's anotherGran.

It really doesn't help to project your own experiences onto others which is what you appear to be doing. The OP isn't your mother.

Good to hear back from you and absolutely NOBODY has the right or should make another poster feel “driven away”

I couldn't agree more Cossy and it happens far too often especially on the estrangement forum.

Thanks for coming back Topnan.
You get to recognise GN names that are worth reading, and you are never obliged to read them all.

Smileless2012

The OP even says her son told her a list of complaints and reasons he’s not talking to her, and she says they’re all unjustified. This is the missing missing reasons.