Son has signed out

Good to have an update but sorry to read things haven't changed. Enjoy your lively grandson and try to move forward one day at a time...

The 'reasons' given to the OP by her son may not be true anotherGran, therefore making her estrangement unjustified.

It's a shame things have not improved.

I don't like think I could ever dislike my child for being unhappy with elements of their childhood. More help is needed to understand why this is happening rather than who is right or wrong.

As the late queen said, recollections vary. The only thing you can do is wait, if and when he does contact you, listen and talk about his side of things. It is an awful situation to be in as there is obviously love both sides. If my daughter had ever indicated I had let her down, I would have owned it, I know I did my best but wouldn't know her side if that makes sense.

That is true but also a sword that cuts both ways. I had never thought much of her parenting, especially with Andrew.

I'm a little late to the dance. I only just signed up today. For the same reasons of being estranged by both my daughter and my son and separately in their own unique ways.

But the part where you said " i'm not even sure I like him anymore!!"..... And mind you, this is coming from a person who has cried more since my estrangement, which began from my son in february( i had previously.I've tried to invite him to dinner for old time's sake, we resided together for 7 years.While he saved money to find a place. We boughted heads every once in a while.But, it's just so odd, because I thought it was one of the best times in my life. The way we used to laugh and converse, but as I said, i've cried more at the disbelief of it all. Anyway, after he ignored my invites for dinner.Just to kind of catch up and come back over here for all time's sake, i made a kidding remark about stopping by his apartment and tapping on the window to say hi to the cat. Now, I know that probably sounds odd, but I was obviously joking because I was working at the time.I just happened to be near his apartment, and his reply was" don't come over unannounced". I was completely baffled and in that moment I lost it.And threw a few expletives at him in disbelief that is not common, but I did it. Since then, i've been ghosted and I understand because I had a blow up, but i've since gone through all the symptoms. Apologizing in disbelief. Apologizing in anger. Apologizing in compromise. Apologizing for apologizing. Until I finally made it to the stage and realized that one can't keep begging.But it doesn't make the hurt go away) and i'm sorry, but I was just explaining my side to put better perspective on it.But to hear what you said about possibly not liking your son... Even in your words, I can tell that you love your son.Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Every once in a while, we feel these moments, these twinges of anger. These snippets of disbelief and we wanna say angry things because it just makes no sense.So I totally get that. I suspect if I would have read this thread further. I'll find out that maybe you've since talked to your son. Yours is the first that I've read. Since I got here, but I can tell you, we're on the same team and I certainly hope that bonds are reconnected somewhere along the line. Because the more I learn about adult children estranging their parents, the more bizarre it is.And it seems like a fad. I feel like we could have been so much worse as parents or so much more strict.And maybe that's the problem.Maybe we weren't strict enough. Forcing respect. By no means, was I a perfect father?I swear I tried to cover all bases.

Your words resonate about owning it.
So much of this estrangement is so baffling. But that's exactly how I feel. And yet, reading all that I have and trying to understand this whole realm, the words keep saying
Perhaps it was micromanaging... Or even your compliments, perhaps came as conditional. And then I sit there and I think so.What is a person supposed to do? If ever the communication does open, just sit there and say nothing.It makes no sense. Mind you, early on a pediatrician had all but diagnosed my son with aspergers. For the longest time, i had assumed that it was officially diagnosed when I was asking the kid's mother, we've since divorced sadly, but she had told me, it was never officially put down on paper. It was this pediatrician's gut feeling. I pretty much know this to be true now by things that my son has had to go through in all of his school years. And yet, I will say that he does seem kind of high-functioning. He can be very analytical et cetera.Et cetera. But in any case, I agree with owning it, I only wish that the messages from my daughter and my son, both separately estranging me... As odd as that sounds and probably makes me seem guilty.But they both have estranged me in separate incidences, for different reasons.I'm guessing. But heck, i was learning how to be a father on the fly.I had no expertise at it. My own father who upon his passing, i loved and still love very much as I do. My mother they're both gone now. But I tried to be the best dad I could be. It's all just so baffling so much so that it's hard to end a thought.And that's why i'm rambling on sorry about that

Hello NorthernRiverDad and welcome to the estrangement forum.

I've pleased that you've found somewhere to talk about what's happened but sorry that you're going through this.

I notice that you picked up on a poster saying I'm not even sure I like him anymore. This is something that EP's often say; I've said this myself but it doesn't mean we no longer love them, we do. If we didn't, it wouldn't hurt.

We don't recognise our ES now. He's no longer the loving and caring son he used to be.

As well as your pain and distress, what's also evident is your bewilderment and that's what so many EP's experience and is something that rarely goes away.

I see that just one sentence has been picked out and quoted in an attempt to undermine not just your experience but you personally. I hope you will disregard being told that you're clearly not mature enough to regulate your emotions in a healthy way. To be told by someone who doesn't know you and is more than likely attempting to force their personal agenda that you're definitely aren't mature enough to be a parent should be ignored.

There is a constantly running support thread on this forum which you may like to look at. A new one was started yesterday and that particular thread has been running for around 13 years.

There you will find support and understanding. You maybe 'challenged' but you will never be disrespected or have salt rubbed into the wounds your estrangement has caused.

If you need to talk to us, we'll be there to listen.

FGS User.

Maybe your son has kept in touch with your cousin directly?

How close are your son and your cousin?

Smileless2012

FGS User.

Please explain how "losing it" and cursing at one's adult child for being told to not visit uninvited is emotionally mature?

Please explain how doing so is akin to being an animal abuser or any kind of abuser.

I didn't say it was nor did I agree that it is. Will you answer my question now?

Of course you doubt it was an isolated incident User; you always do.

Blimey there’s a few stirrers on this thread
Very unpleasant

I’ve just asked a question that won’t be answered it would seem. Cursing at someone in rage over a reasonable request I would think is blatantly unacceptable behavior.

Certain sick people try to make people that are struggling feel even worse with their judgements best to ignore because
what sort of person would stoop so low? . Imagine your son and daughter thinking and speaking in such a way. We do the get we can at the time, are no perfect parents or children as we are witness to.

I think those who want to help the poster have a better chance at reconciling with his son would “stoop so low” as to point out how his behavior he has described is likely contributing to the estrangement. His own behavior is the only thing he has control of really.

Taking cursing at someone in rage over a reasonable request in isolation can be seen as unacceptable bakestrategic but it's clear from NorthernRiverDad's posts that there's a background of hurt, anxiety and frustration. So no, in the context of what we know, because we should only base our responses on what we've been told, I don't agree that this is an example of emotional immaturity.

We see it time and time again don't we Allsorts.

I find your post @ 03.01 simply ridiculous User.

hmm no, I didn't say that being abusive is fully acceptable User or that it's emotionally mature per se; context is everything.

User15839

Likewise Smileless with your post @ 8:44

So in other words, you believe it's not just emotionally mature, but also fully acceptable to be abusive if you're feeling hurt, anxious, and frustrated?

This is exactly what I meant when I intially said he isn't able to regulate his emotions in a healthy manner. Mature adults are able to deal with those negative emotions without hurting those around them. It's a very valuable life skill, and ideally one you should have before choosing to have any children.

Well, I’ve never had a ptoblem with my ACs or adult GCs.

Lucky me. 👍

I’ve got no skin in this particular estrangement scenario game.

We’ve had dust ups, but they’ve been sorted out swiftly, calmly and we’ve all then got on with it all 👍

Reading your post, first of all, I thought I’d finally found that elusive “perfect” human. That rare person that never, ever lashes out at anyone, in times of pain, anger, stress or upset. Never heard of anyone being that wholesome, but hey, ho. 👍

But, as much as I, as an imperfect adult, (along with most) have, do, and will lash out, sometimes unreasonably, in times of pain, stress, anger or upset.

However, I would never read a help for support, from someone in obvious emotional pain, and then put them down and make them feel worse. 🙄

I’ve never needed to punch down on someone to feel better about myself. 👍

So, perhaps you’re not as perfect as she think. 🤨

I don't recognise some of the names.
Adults get hurt. They are not machines.
Some of the comments are suspiciously like trolling.
Remember GNs you are not obliged to respond to every post.

I'm surprised Smileless even posts on these threads anymore. There is always a queue of anonymous people demanding she answers their questions!

You get to recognise names. You get to enjoy reading some posts. You also get to use your prerogative and skip some.

Indeed.

Opinions differ, some people just want others to accept what they may believe, life doesn't always work that way, or even as wished.