Near Estrangment but confused about something

I have been having issues with my daughter ever since her husband left her. And she has a best friend, since high school, who claims she was abused. I don't know if that is true or not, but, seems my daughter talks a lot about and has now claimed she was an abused child.

She even is starting to make my grandkids think I am not safe in some way or was a bad parent/grandparent. They told me and it suck that the oldest one seems to believe it. The youngest told me she doesn't believe it.

Anyway, this is complete fabrication and I am thought maybe the best friend has been projecting her childhood onto my daughter.

My confusion is, when I offered to discuss the alledged abuse, she got mad that I didn't believe or acknowledge she was abused.

I went mad trying to get just ONE example. Just ONE. A long message conversation with me offering to talk in person or at least give one example on the messages.

She kept ranting about me and how I act, called me psychotic if I am called out on something.

Well, I have recently been deciding when she does say something very untrue to me, I don't agree with her. I've always been more of a silent person when attacked, will just leave the room, ignore it, etc. but lately I decided to at least basically defend myself like most people would.

Not arguing, just saying yeah no that's not true kinda thing. No big deal. That's now psychotic in her view.

Anyway my question is, has anyone here had an experience that when you ask about abuse, with the tone of if I did something I will apologize kinda thing, that then the adult child avoids, attacks and basically never tell you what you did?

It's completely maddening. You feel so hurt yet you are trying to understand by getting an answer. It's looney.

So finally, she mentioned children need to feel safe. I had a husband who yelled at me all the time. I thought ok, so maybe she was scared of him?

That's reasonable I think with a young child. But that's not abuse if I didn't know she was scared at times. Most the time she was always smiling. I can't read minds.

I told her if just once she told me she was scared, I may have tried to help her. But not knowing her feelings isn't abuse, it's lack of knowledge.

No matter, I told her I had no idea, that what she said was valid. Yet she still insisted she was abused and she said I won't accept it.

Again, how can you accept what exactly?

Don't kids know what happened?

I read about Mackalay Culkin and his story about his dad slapping him across the face and how Culkin said he had no bed to sleep on while his dad had a large comfy bed, etc.

He had examples of abuse.

What is the deal when an adult child can give no examples?

No clues? and the idea when you say you are ready to listen anyway, they don't want to talk or they avoid/distract with their opinions of your behaviors rather than on the subject of the abuse?

It got to the point of so many horrid accusations of abuse, again, using only the word abuse, even saying I do it with my grandchildren (too many hugs? idk?)

Now I am worried this will end badly. I did acknowledge her fear as a kid. But this is kinda nuts. Anyone who knows what this is, give me a clue.

I feel like the best friend projected so much of her own childhood now that my daughter thinks it's hers. I mean, she's known the friend for decades but seems now that her husband took off on her leaving her a single mom with 2 kids, it seems now something is seriously wrong. A couple of years ago, when her husband first left, she talked alot about her friend helping abused kids, and there was a predator defense protocol that the friend told her about for kids.

She used it one day to throw me out after I teared up a little when she yelled at me.

I never asked her why she used that. But she's a grown adult.

It's mental.

Does anyone know what this is?