Son is pushing us away

It's a shame some of them don't; maybe there would be fewer estrangements if more of them did.

Norah OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude

Yes she did. Sadly because some posters appeared to be ignoring the behaviour of her son & DiL and appeared to be suggesting the problem was caused by the OP for various somewhat spurious reasons, the son's rudeness has inevitably been referred to rather more than should have been necessary.

Smudgie A good post.

Madgran77

*Norah OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude*

Yes she did. Sadly because some posters appeared to be ignoring the behaviour of her son & DiL and appeared to be suggesting the problem was caused by the OP for various somewhat spurious reasons, the son's rudeness has inevitably been referred to rather more than should have been necessary.

Smudgie A good post.

Smudgie's advice for the son to go to the hotel with his parents is good. Perhaps they could talk about issues? could be productive.

There would be much fewer estrangements if people stopped looking for scapegoats and had the courage to view problems from the roots of the issues. When we keep blaming others for our own children’s weak characters, reconciliation will never happen. If I blamed my daughter in law with whom I barely have contact for issues with my son and I, then I myself am placing the barrier firmly in the way of my own healing. If your Dil was blabbing her mouth to her parents about your son, then I am sure he wouldn’t come off as a saint either. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about this prince of yours. That’s the problem with building narratives behind your spouse’s back and letting family run with it. I don’t believe in taking full credit for raising sons into good men because I would not take credit for raising a man so disloyal as to put his wife in the line of his family’s biased fire by talking behind her back. Nature vs nurture. Perhaps his inconsiderate, selfish behaviour was learned or perhaps it is who he is innately. Either way, your son is showing you who he is. He puts his feelings before all consideration for even those “closest” to him. Wife or mother, it clearly makes no difference. As I said, best to address his bad behaviour with him directly and without your husband and his tantrums.

We’ve had a very similar situation with one of our sons. We tried to involve them in every family occasion, sometimes they’d both come, sometimes our son would come on his own with an excuse that DIL was ill or just too busy.
This went on for ten years, they then got married and we decided to let him go, he was very unhappy. Our relationship was practically non existent even though they lived close by.
Another ten years passed, and now he’s divorced. We couldn’t be happier ! We have our son back as have the rest of the family.
There’s nothing you can do. It’s all very hurtful and disappointing I know I cried buckets. Let him go with no expectations. It’ll be easier for him. He’ll then decide what he wants eventually. Good luck

People underestimate the power of coercive control. Of course if a son is opting for a quiet life at the expense of his relationship with his parents, and often at the expense of his children's relationship with their GP's, that is his decision.

As estranged parents we do accept that the one ultimately responsible is our ES but that does not negate the role that his wife has played.

I'm glad that your son eventually freed himself from that unhealthy relationship Erica, because while an AC is in a relationship with someone who either wishes to severely restrict their contact with their family or sever all contact, as you say there's nothing you can do.

In our sons case some of it was for a quiet life as Smileless says ,we still saw our DGC and babysit often but when they grew up and no longer needed a babysitter we were dropped off the edge of a cliff.
The coercive behaviour from DIL was still going, very much alive and kicking. I ignored it, I’d spent far two many years trying to make it right, it wasn’t going to happen.
Apparently DIL promised to change many times through their relationship but of course couldn’t. Thank goodness we are here we are.

Two issues here.
One; the son's behaviour in cancelling so late and swearing at his father.

Two; Daughter in law held responsible

Issue no. one; rude to leave it so late to cancel, no chance of a refund, and two very feeble excuses. Plenty of time to book a dog sitter, and unlikely that school would be organise events so soon after start of school term.

Issue no Two: it is all the daughter -in-law's fault.

It may be so, but we do not know all sides of the situation.
I had a friend whose husband at the very last minute, would refuse to go to her large family occasions. (weddings, funerals, christenings, anniversaries) things booked for a long time involving expense; she was not a confident driver so generally had to make excuses and stay away.

I wonder if this couple is as financially secure as they appear? He may appear to be comfortably well off , but equally they are spending freely with expensive tastes and may be living above their means. (echoes of a recent post where the couple were borrowing more and more money from parents for essentials while spending on expensive holidays and house improvements.)

The fact that the son is avoiding contact with his brothers could suggest deeper problems , not necessarily wife related.
Equally, it could be that neither enjoy family get-togethers and find them overwhelming.

I have a very small family so have little experience of these events but know from friends some dread extended family celebrations whilst others take deep offence if all family members do not attend.

All I can suggest is, say nothing, wait to see if son offers to pay for the accommodation, and the OP receives some acknowledgement of her birthday.

How is his relationship to his sisters and brothers? You say he did not come to the last two christenings, so to me it sounds as if he is distancing himself not only from you, but from all of the family.

Would it be possible to ask straight out why this is so? You obviously don't know what is wrong, so nothing can have been said.

Before placing all the blame on your daughter -in-law¨s shoulders, do please remember that you son is a grown man and responsible for his own behaviour. You cannot expect your DIL to criticise her husband to you, or anyone else, and you would probably blame her if she did, but this does not mean she approves of the way he is treating you.

Ask him what is wrong. Otherwise you will go on guessing and being hurt if or when he stupidly accepts an invitation from you and then cancels at the last minute.

BlessedArt

There would be much fewer estrangements if people stopped looking for scapegoats and had the courage to view problems from the roots of the issues. When we keep blaming others for our own children’s weak characters, reconciliation will never happen. If I blamed my daughter in law with whom I barely have contact for issues with my son and I, then I myself am placing the barrier firmly in the way of my own healing. If your Dil was blabbing her mouth to her parents about your son, then I am sure he wouldn’t come off as a saint either. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about this prince of yours. That’s the problem with building narratives behind your spouse’s back and letting family run with it. I don’t believe in taking full credit for raising sons into good men because I would not take credit for raising a man so disloyal as to put his wife in the line of his family’s biased fire by talking behind her back. Nature vs nurture. Perhaps his inconsiderate, selfish behaviour was learned or perhaps it is who he is innately. Either way, your son is showing you who he is. He puts his feelings before all consideration for even those “closest” to him. Wife or mother, it clearly makes no difference. As I said, best to address his bad behaviour with him directly and without your husband and his tantrums.

Hmm. As Smileless says, people underestimate the impact of coercive control. But it is possible to do that without suggesting this problem is all about a mother and "her prince" which is not evidenced by the OPs posts!

The OP's d.i.l. has made an alternative arrangement that she knows coincides with the arrangements made by her p's.i.l. for the OP'd birthday celebrations AuntieE. Who else is to 'blame' for that.

No need for anyone to refer to the OP's son as her prince is there Madgran.

I too am a bit confused about the dog. Who was going to look after it originally?
You don't say how old the GC are. You obviously have a good relationship with them. Would it be possible for them to come on the holiday to enjoy time with their cousins and the wider family?

It was rude and inconsiderate for your son and DIL to cancel so late.

On a separate but related issue, family holidays organised by Grandparents can be interpreted differently by each of the involved parties. My inlaws organised a very similar family holiday to celebrate a milestone birthday. They paid for their three kids and partners and grandchildren to go. We all attended, but my husband, myself, and our teenage children did not enjoy ourselves. The location, accommodation, food, and activities were all chosen by our inlaws. This is fair enough because they were paying, but none of them were things that we would have chosen for ourselves. We also had to cancel our usual weekend activities to attend, and although there is no bad blood between anyone, my husband and I do not share many interests with the rest of his family. The cousins don't share interests either. My inlaws had a wonderful time which we are happy about, but they talked about the weekend as something special that they were doing for us. From our perspective, however, it was something that we did for them. I am not saying this to excuse the behaviour of OP's son (he did the wrong thing). I am only saying this to point out that parents and their adult children may perceive the same situation quite differently.

No need to project one’s own situations on to the OP. Every situation involving a mother falling out with her son elicits the same “coercive control” response’s from the same posters who seem to think their situations are the same as the OP. It’s tone deaf. No evidence whatsoever that this “prince” is being controlled by anyone but himself. Just because a mother dislikes her Dil, justified or not, doesn’t mean her grown man of a son is being controlled. Even lacking the character to be honest and upright in dealings with family is no proof of “coercive control”. I question the intent behind the constant pushing of this narrative. It certainly cannot be to help, constantly accusing total strangers of horrific behaviour with no evidence whatsoever besides a few posts on a public forum that do not indicate anything but speculation. Projecting one’s own trauma never healed anyone. It never helped to avoid an estrangement.

No need to project one's own situation on to the OP maybe you could give that a try BlessedArt.

Referring to the OP's son as a prince is offensive not just to the OP but to her son. The tone deafness comes from those who automatically point the finger at the m.i.l., despite what we've been told, and I question the intent of your narrative which always appears to be against the mothers and m's.i.l. in these situations.

easybee I don't see anything about swearing at his father.

Just saying.

Did the daughter-in-law ever know this was happening?

Had he spoken to her about it?

So true Underscore. I would not have wanted a holiday of any sort with my in-laws.

We did, however go to one for their 40th wedding anniversary. We did not have to take the children as they were older by then.

The "all-family" holidays do need to be carefully negotiated though I think if they are to be successful.

It's in the OP NotSpaghetti He swore at my husband and put then 'phone down.

Presumably you and your H would have said 'no' to any invitations when they were issued and not cancelled at the last minute because you decided to be 'busy' and there was no one to look after your dog, if you had one.

put then put the

BlessedArt No need to project one’s own situations on to the OP

And no need to make incorrect assumptions about a posters "own situation" either!

He swore at my husband and put the phone down.

In the original post, at the top of every page.

Apologies, I seem to have missed that - and yet ibre-read it to check!
🙄
Sorry.

Your son was wrong to swear at your husband.

Perhaps indicating relationship difficulties between H and DS?

Or maybe feeling guilty .