Forums for estranged adult children

InRainbows

Can you please explain where I have got things wrong, I will try to do better

The only thing you got "wrong" is disagreeing with the hive mind here. Anything that implies that they may have been less than perfect is wrong. Anything that implies that they are not the innocent victim to their heartless adult child is wrong.

You were right saying everything you say here becomes an argument. Anything counter to the consensus is picked apart and scrutinized because no one wants to hear that there might be another side to the argument.

I still post here because I think anyone who wants to mend the relationship with their adult children deserves to read a different take than "poor you." But I don't argue it further because there's no point.

There is no saving my relationship with my parents but some situations here are not as dire and could be mended with some real self-reflection.

This is definitely not a safe space unless you are an estranged parent, although it is intended to be for anyone affected be estrangement.

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

I don't think you have got things wrong InRainbows. There have of course been disagreements which is only to be expected and the deliberately contentious posts have been removed as have those who made them.

We've even had on 3 occasions on this thread alone, regular users names being hijacked to make unpleasant posts in an attempt to upset others which is why there have been arguments. So it isn't because there's a hive mind here, it's because for some reason there are some who don't seem to be able to bare the fact that some who have been estranged have been able to rebuild their lives.

It's the support thread on this forum which offers a safe space for all whose lives are affected by estrangement User; this is not a support thread and over the years that thread has helped both those who have been estranged and those who estranged.

You say stillawipp that had you not listened properly to your son, recognised (your) part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it you would not have reconciled but in addition to that, your son also needed to have wanted to reconcile and sadly that's not always the case for some EP's.

Saying so isn't accusing you of 'virtue signalling', it's simply acknowledging that both sides need to be willing.

Yes, I don’t disagree that both sides need to be willing - I’m not sure why you keep implying that I do! And I’m sorry, but you expressly accused me of virtue signalling when I was just trying to tell a poster who asked what I did to resolve my situation, and I was pretty stung by that when I was simply trying to help someone who was struggling.

stillawipp

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

Yes, I think every estrangement is different. Sometimes it’s the AC/partner having a drama, and sometimes it’s the EPs causing problems

And sometimes it’s both.

I'm just trying to learn so I can help my situation. To me relationships are simple things... Sometimes 50/50 sometimes I'm the 99% for people struggling at 1% and sometimes it is the other way around. I always want to understand why people are where they are at. There is always a reason.

Reading about narcissism has been interesting. It is clearly not a bad spot in life and more of a lifelong issue. I recognise some of the behaviour described by it, especially how controlling they are, how they must always be right and how if any situation goes wrong it cannot be their fault. I recognise as well putting others down to feel superior. It's certainly helping me to see the situation more clearly.

There is another discussion about it I have been reading under a different topic here that is very interesting.

So while I still don't agree with the generalisation in the topic above I am glad for the opportunity it presented.

And that sounds eminently sensible, InRainbows, well done !

DiamondLily

stillawipp

I’m so sorry that you both feel like that - as you say, there are 2 sides to an estrangement and everyone deserves kindness and understanding for their experience. I was once an estranged parent and personally would not have reconciled with my child had I not finally listened to him properly, recognised my part in the estrangement, acknowledged it and apologised for it. Before I get accused of ‘virtue signalling’ again, this is just my personal experience and I am not criticising anyone else or their situation.

Yes, I think every estrangement is different. Sometimes it’s the AC/partner having a drama, and sometimes it’s the EPs causing problems

And sometimes it’s both.

Absolutely agree 👍🏻

I'm as certain as I can be stillawipp that I did no such thing.

I did sometime ago suggest that perhaps you weren't aware at how your posts can come across to those who have not been able to reconcile, that it can look as if they remain estranged because they haven't done as you did which is why saying both 'sides' must be willing is IMO so important.

It looks from your post @ 16.24 that you have a good grasp of how narcissists behave and their motivation InRainbows.

Just to show that I am not making it up! But no wish to continue on the subject…

So that is why I mostly stopped posting about my own experiences and trying to help people as someone who had had a successful reconciliation, as ‘virtue signalling’ was the last thing I intended.

You beat me to it stillawipp as I've also found that post .

I'm pleased you reprinted it as my opinion was more kindly expressed than your post @ 16.10 suggested.

OK, well let’s just agree to disagree on that & move on…!

I am glad there is support for everyone who needs it. Lots of perspectives are helpful.

No I haven't apologised User because I stand by what I said then and have said today.

My understanding of virtue signalling doesn't work in this context. It's not virtue signalling to use your lived experience to help and support someone else. Especially in a situation that is incredibly painful and emotional which can make it hard to look at it from different angles.

Thank you InRainbows, that’s all I was trying to do! But I appreciate that others who are still estranged may interpret it differently

That's OK InRainbows we can agree to disagree.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ooops just realised that your name has been hijacked again stillawipp so I've reported it and asked for my reply to be deleted.

Thank you GN .

Thank you 👍🏻

To whoever is ‘hijacking’ my username, I don’t know your story but I’m so sorry that you are hurting so much and feel so unheard. Your trauma from whatever has happened to you is obvious and I really hope that you can find some peace and happiness in your life soon.