Forums for estranged adult children

IssendaiAcolyte

Whiff

I feel like a wiser, more mature approach would be to take those situations as an opportunity to self-reflect, since children don't really cut off their parents or make such jokes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Instead of choosing to focus on the fact they didn't know your husband or that the joke was vile, maybe ask yourself "Am I so horrible to be around that they would even think such things?" (since they may not have known your husband, but they did know you I'm guessing).

Instead of choosing to think that your son is a coward, maybe ask yourself "Am I so difficult to talk to that my own son couldn't tell me this in person?"

I have an inkling of a feeling that you don't consider your brother's suggestion to "bitch slap the wife and set your [adult] son straight" was totally out of line. That may be your first clue as to why they chose to cut contact over text rather than in person.

I don't know you as well your son and daughter in law do, but I can already tell they had their reasons.

So, you seriously think that posting those things, to a widow, was acceptable by the DIL involved?

That says all we need up know about this thread. 🙄

eddiecat78

I disagree with the notion that adult children owe their parents nothing. If that parent has provided a loving and secure childhood, constantly doing their best and frequently going without themselves (practically and financially), and if, as a result, that child has grown into a well adjusted and prosperous adult, of course they owe their parents a great deal.
And most adult children appreciate that and are happy to "repay" in terms of spending time with and supporting their parents.
However there seems to be a growing trend of adult children being happy to "take" from their parents (well into adulthood) but then drop them if they become an inconvenience

Having children is a choice. Providing them with security and the tools needed to thrive is what a parent signs up for when you make that choice. You can’t make choices for others and then claim they owe you. Raising children well is not a favor to them. It’s your duty. A duty we chose to pursue. We could have avoided parenthood altogether. That was always an option too. Having children is an egotistical choice we make driven by from our own desire, unless your encounter was not consensual.

This is not to say as parents we are not deserving of gratitude for going above and beyond. Not all parents, therefore not all childhoods are created equal. However, the idea we are “owed” for merely doing what we are obligated to is absurd.

DiamondLily

IssendaiAcolyte

Whiff

I feel like a wiser, more mature approach would be to take those situations as an opportunity to self-reflect, since children don't really cut off their parents or make such jokes for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Instead of choosing to focus on the fact they didn't know your husband or that the joke was vile, maybe ask yourself "Am I so horrible to be around that they would even think such things?" (since they may not have known your husband, but they did know you I'm guessing).

Instead of choosing to think that your son is a coward, maybe ask yourself "Am I so difficult to talk to that my own son couldn't tell me this in person?"

I have an inkling of a feeling that you don't consider your brother's suggestion to "bitch slap the wife and set your [adult] son straight" was totally out of line. That may be your first clue as to why they chose to cut contact over text rather than in person.

I don't know you as well your son and daughter in law do, but I can already tell they had their reasons.

So, you seriously think that posting those things, to a widow, was acceptable by the DIL involved?

That says all we need up know about this thread. 🙄

Ok, the daughter-in-law didn't post those things TO the widow, she posted those things ABOUT the widow.

It's worth wondering why the daughter-in-law felt that way about her recently widowed mother-in-law. I don't think she would say such a joke if their relationship was purely sunshine & rainbows.

JaneJudge

I suppose emotion runs high because of the stigma placed upon estrangement and people feeling like they need to justify it

No one needs to.

Indeed. No one here or outside of the relationships know the full truth. No one can. More importantly, no one can tell another adult what they should endure in a relationship with another adult no matter how the two are related. People have opinions but opinions on these forums only have as much impact as an individual chooses to give them.

I feel that many parents go into parenting blind. Perhaps influenced in positive ways by their own family upbringing and perhaps in negative ways by the same.

There was not the wealth of information readily available now. We had to wait for laws to change and practices to be frowned upon to stop them. I think a lot of that was as a direct result of studying patients with mental illness or addiction or criminal conviction.

Now we know entirely differently, not just about parenting styles but the impact that has on children. How divorce or witnessing abuse impacts children.

But parenting is often hard, parents are human, they struggle, they lose their temper, they shout, they worry, they can overprotect.

With all the information available to modern young people they seem to know that so where is it leading to estrangement? The word "accountable" seems to come up often in that forum. So if a person cannot be accountable and recognise where things did go wrong, are they the abusive ones? Or just the ones who actively try to hide those mistakes?

I think young people are simply choosing not to stay in relationships that take away from their happiness more than add to it. It’s the same as divorce in that sense. People stayed in unhappy marriages due to societal pressures. Now, people are less likely to live decades being miserable. I agree in that way, changing societal norms absolutely play a role because it’s now the norm to prioritize one’s happiness, one’s own values and morals. I believe we are seeing it extend to other familial relationships now. The stigma isn’t as present like in the past so people are choosing to walk away more.

All parents go into parenting blind. Anyone that says otherwise isn’t a parent, although they may have read the books. 🙄

No parent is perfect, but, then again, no child (whatever their age) are perfect either.

To be clear, I have always had a great relationship with my adult children and my now (adult) grandchildren. Never any argument.

Was I perfect? No, I most certainly wasn’t.

Did I get divorced? Yes, I did.

Were/are they perfect? No.

Am I? No, I’m not.

But, we accept our differences, don’t navel gaze about being victims of life, talk out issues if we need to, but never take the cowardly way of texts/mails/social media.

I’ve been up close and personal to a belligerent relative not wanting to “hear” the other party speak their mind, so face to face talks turned to shouting matches with one much louder than the other. I wouldn’t sweepingly generalise by calling people “cowards” for avoiding such interactions and opting for calls/texts/emails without having firsthand knowledge that both parties can behave maturely and rationally in an emotional discussion. But that’s the core of the issue. Everyone in every situation has specific personalities and each dynamic is specific to the parties involved.

All parents go into parenting blind of course they do DL. You can study a book from cover to cover about how to drive a car, but you'll have no idea what that will be like until you get behind the wheel.

Accountability works both ways InRainbows and it isn't only/always parents who need to be accountable; sometimes AC need to be too.

Smileless2012

^All parents go into parenting blind^ of course they do DL. You can study a book from cover to cover about how to drive a car, but you'll have no idea what that will be like until you get behind the wheel.

Accountability works both ways InRainbows and it isn't only/always parents who need to be accountable; sometimes AC need to be too.

Applied to children? Aren't these quarrels over childhood? What would we hold children accountable for?

No InRainbows these quarrels aren't just over childhood and I thought you knew that AC = adult children.

Smileless2012

No InRainbows these quarrels aren't just over childhood and I thought you knew that AC = adult children.

The issues on the forum, a lot of them are from childhood. You didn't read it so you couldn't know that. I think if you did read them that might help because we are not on the same level to discuss it.

I'm not talking about issues on that forum InRainbows. I haven't read it because I don't read forums for EAC. I'm talking about what I've seen here on GN so I don't think there's anything to be gained from continuing this conversation.

BlessedArt

I’ve been up close and personal to a belligerent relative not wanting to “hear” the other party speak their mind, so face to face talks turned to shouting matches with one much louder than the other. I wouldn’t sweepingly generalise by calling people “cowards” for avoiding such interactions and opting for calls/texts/emails without having firsthand knowledge that both parties can behave maturely and rationally in an emotional discussion. But that’s the core of the issue. Everyone in every situation has specific personalities and each dynamic is specific to the parties involved.

Yes I agree with you there.

I've never been one to shout and have noticed that sometimes even if you are calm it can make the other person angrier.

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What do you expect IA? Do you honestly think you will ever see an EP on an EP's forum saying they've been estranged because they abused their child?

Do you honestly think you will ever see an EAC on a forum for EAC saying they had a loving childhood but estranged their parent(s) because they've been coercively controlled or they didn't get the financial support or free child care they wanted?

Estrangement happens for a myriad of reasons and it's not always the EP's who are to blame.

Each case has its own story.

Of course it does Maremia.

InRainbows

No one here would be very happy were they saying the same about us. I find it a little unsettling that we can't treat people as individuals who deserve a space to be supported too. How is it anyone's business but theirs?

That includes someone who's suicide curious being supported in their compulsion by people who tell them the best way & why it's a good idea?
Sorry that's a bit extreme, but in this world of connections with strangers, I think sometimes it is the business of significant others who care to ascertain just what these people are saying. They don't have the individual's best interests at heart, but have their own agenda, in so many cases.

They don't have the individual's best interest at heart, but have their own agenda, in so many cases one of the most concerning aspects of social media valdavi.

People support each other here valdavi and I have read people being supported to estrange a child or parent so is this forum the same apart from swearing? I've seen insults towards the other party here too.

Whether it's a parent or an AC, the advise I always give and is given by others is to do what is right for you.

It is so reassuring that the victims of cruel, vile parents are unscathed and ready to be that perfect parent, do hope in another 20 years their children feel they were.
Honestly why does anyone even bother to engage with them, they are best talking to others in the same position to celebrate their survival.

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