Forums for estranged adult children

Thank you for your response.
I feel that it is not always the parents' fault, and I give the example of the crime of 'coercive control' where there is a deliberate attempt to estrange the victim from the family and friends.
I also believe that there are people who are 'difficult' parents, and that there are other unrelated people who are 'difficult' offspring.
It is my unprofessional opinion that each 'case' be judged on its merits. I don't automatically believe the parents, just as I don't automatically believe the offspring.

Smileless2012

^There's a good reason trump himself said he loves the poorly educated and that smart people don't like him^ so in terms of this discussion about estrangement, it's perfectly acceptable to estrange parents who may well have done their best for their children, who love and supported them but are poorly educated .

A great post DogWhisperer . I completely agree that using voting for Trump when considering reasons for estrangement is far too black and white. As you say it's possible to vote for Trump without being a monster and I agree that it's completely wrong for children to estrange their parents on this basis.

I don’t feel it’s a strong black and white situation, but do you not feel an extreme difference in morals and values could be a valid reason for distancing ones self?

Parents don't hold a disproportionate amount of power when their children become adults; it's the opposite.

Parents have the power to stop their parents seeing their GC; the ultimate misuse of power when it's done out of spite. That's why we see here on GN time and time again, GP's worried that if they don't or stop providing child care or are unable or unwilling to help financially, they'll be stopped from seeing their GC.

An estranged child wouldn't necessarily change course and come back into contact if they weren't actually happier with their decision. They may feel that having treated their parents so badly they have no right to do so. They may feel that there's a possibility their parents wouldn't want to re connect and don't want to know for certain by being rejected. Their parents may have died.

Being estranged by your own child who you love is pain and grief that will never fully go away and yet I have never here on GN or the few closed forums for EP's I've been on, seen the language DogWhisperer referred too used by EP's about their children. I have seen it from links provided usually to Reddit and from other sources provided by EAC, being used by some who have estranged.

The question as to why EAC continue to verbally abuse the parents they've estranged either directly or on EAC forums is often asked but never really answered eddie.

IA said in an earlier post that his/her bias is for the AC in estrangement situations Maremia. As you rightly point out, coercive control from an AC's partner/husband/wife is not the fault or responsibility of the parents who become estranged because of it.

When that has been discussed before here on GN, there have been responses that anyone who ends up in an abusive relationship does so because they had an abusive childhood so for them, abuse is 'normal'.

Unbelievable I know but true.

For distancing oneself yes, for estrangement no Summerlove not for the parents who love, cared for and supported me.

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte

DogWhisperer

IssendaiAcolyte, you post quite a lot so does this apply to you? Are you one of those children who has been unable to move on? Would you be willing to share your estrangement story with us?

I don't care to share my story.

You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?

I haven't gone wrong anywhere. Even if it were somehow possible, it's not my responsibility to fix my stunted parents (although I have foolishly tried before to no avail).

A vote is not needed, as I can tell you're just itching for an opportunity to invalidate my (estranged child's) perspective.

My daughter would never be on here as she knows for her she
has made the right decision and never doubts herself. Bet she never gives me a second though. Maybe those who have slight doubts or feel a bit guilty might post. If anyone, parent or child, wants to reconnect, do it today, life is too short to hang about.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to see our ES's wife here Allsorts; that's if she hasn't been on already .

If she is Smileless I cannot see what she would get out of it. Your son became a different man with her and yes she has him and the children to herself. You have made a different and full life and are happy. Some people just suck the life out of you. You miss them as much as piles.

You have made a different and full life and are happy yes Allsorts that's what she would see .

There is more than one perspective.
Don't get the impression that anyone is itching.
Posters are using this forum for what it is intended. Sharing their points of view and reading other versions.

Is it verbal abuse to talk about estrangement in an anonymous forum? How would anyone be recognised unless what they were saying was true?

It depends on the language used InRainbows. It's possible to talk about estrangement without the use of expletives; without mocking and using derogatory words.

Someone may know or suspect who a poster is because they recognise the false allegations and the language used by the one who estranged them. Recognising the poster doesn't necessarily mean that what they are saying is true.

I suppose emotion runs high because of the stigma placed upon estrangement and people feeling like they need to justify it

No one needs to.

Smileless2012

It depends on the language used InRainbows. It's possible to talk about estrangement without the use of expletives; without mocking and using derogatory words.

Someone may know or suspect who a poster is because they recognise the false allegations and the language used by the one who estranged them. Recognising the poster doesn't necessarily mean that what they are saying is true.

So who should people talk about abuse to? Family members would be the first call I suppose.

Would that carry in a court of law do you think? Should a victim of crime be judged for swearing when upset or calling a perpetrator names? How far does this idea go? Were someone you care for to come to you asking for help with an abusive person? What is more important, what they are saying or how they say it? I'm not sure I can see the point against it.

The use of expletives wouldn't be allowed in a court of law InRainbows neither would calling the 'accused' names.

As I've said, it's possible to talk about estrangement without resorting to expletives and without mocking and using derogatory words.

If I were approached by someone I care about asking for help because they were being abused the language they use wouldn't be more important than what they were saying, but I would ask them to do so without using expletives etc.

I agree JaneJudge that know should need to justify why they've estranged or been estranged but sometimes it's unfortunately necessary to do so.

I guess as well, JaneJudge, that emotions run high because of the emotional pain involved in estrangements.

Talking about someone on an anonymous forum is not abuse, even if they use language you don't like. It's almost funny that anyone would claim that. If it were the case many here would have to give up the idea that they aren't abusive.

I highly recommend not reading a subreddit for estranged adult kids or children of narcissistic parents if you don't want to see people angry or resentful towards their parents. That's the whole basis of the group. You go there to talk to people who have shared experiences and get support/a push to get away from a toxic situation.

It's like going to an forum for child free people and complaining that they don't like children. You got what you asked for by going there.

You can't control these people, what they say, or how they say it. It has nothing to do with you or your kids at all. Why purposely put yourself in a position to see things that you will find upsetting? And then come here and complain about it? I don't understand.

See my post on page 1 of this thread User; I don't go on forums for EAC or Reddit.

Smileless2012

The use of expletives wouldn't be allowed in a court of law InRainbows neither would calling the 'accused' names.

As I've said, it's possible to talk about estrangement without resorting to expletives and without mocking and using derogatory words.

If I were approached by someone I care about asking for help because they were being abused the language they use wouldn't be more important than what they were saying, but I would ask them to do so without using expletives etc.

I agree JaneJudge that know should need to justify why they've estranged or been estranged but sometimes it's unfortunately necessary to do so.

That is not what I meant though. At the point of reporting a crime, would you expect a victim to be taken less seriously for using expletives? Or would you expect others to be able to look past that. Court law judges have overlooked that in victims of trauma just to be clear. But I still fail to see how swearing would make a victim less believable. Is there anything else that would also make them less believable? Like how they dress or whether they have tattoos and piercings? How far does this judgement go?

It's human nature to recoil from verbal abuse. Yes, the Police etc are trained, but they are still human, and may subconsciously judge.

I haven't said swearing makes a victim less believable InRainbows. If a crime is reported it can be investigated; 'both sides 'examined and evidence collected. That doesn't happen with online forums; there is no comparison to reporting crime.

^It's human nature to recoil from verbal abuse^yes it is Maremia.

But they are obviously within the forum rules? Swearing does not make them less believable. So then what are we judging them for here? Why complain about them swearing? I really do not understand what relevance it has when they are amongst peers and it is a place for them to talk safely?

Maremia

There is more than one perspective.
Don't get the impression that anyone is itching.
Posters are using this forum for what it is intended. Sharing their points of view and reading other versions.

Maybe you aren't, but DogWhisperer clearly is itching with her last post.

"You have been very generous with your advice on other people's stories, you have let us know where we are going wrong, and we are very grateful to you for that, so we would like to reciprocate that generosity. If you could tell us yours and your parents' versions of the story, maybe we could help you to see where you are going wrong? Maybe even vote on which story is most plausible?"

There is nothing genuine about this. Obviously she isn't grateful or thinks my advice is generous. She is just attempting to bait me to open up about a highly sensitive, personal part of my life just to find an opening to attack me, especially with how she automatically frames it as if I had gone wrong somewhere (while the most wrong thing I've done was be born to a very unfortunate set of parents).

I'm not sure if she thinks I'm stupid or if she's incapable of seeing me as a capable adult, but I would not want this ingenuine, and frankly malicious, person in my life. I actually feel bad for her kid who had no choice but to grow up under her.

InRainbows

But they are obviously within the forum rules? Swearing does not make them less believable. So then what are we judging them for here? Why complain about them swearing? I really do not understand what relevance it has when they are amongst peers and it is a place for them to talk safely?

They hate what is being said about the estranged parents, so they instead to choose hyper-focus on the method of delivery rather than what is actually being delivered.

DogWhisperer clearly is itching with her last post

Yikes. I must have got that from the dog.