How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

Ok, well best, in the end, that we all do what’s best for ourselves. It’s only us that have to live with the decisions we make. 😊

InRainbows

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

This is my perspective as well with some exceptions. I am blessed to be married to a man who feels the same. However, if one of my adult children were to ever be repeatedly abusive to my husband I may opt to distance myself from that relationship. Not specifically out of loyalty but because I am not so forgiving of anyone abusing my loved ones, regardless of who they are. It’s my personal boundary, not one imposed upon me by the guilt-trips of a spouse.

Oh well I agree with that. I saw how much my late DH was hurt by his ACs simply because of money.

I lived that dream for 18 years.

Abuse, by anyone, is never acceptable. They lost out in the end, but I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in winter. 😉

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

My twin daughters are estranged, they are 33 now . It started at senior school, different groups of friends , different interests etc. They fell out big time over a guy they both liked aged 19. They have barely spoken since. It's caused me so much stress and upset over the years , eventually I gave up trying to help them maintain a relationship. No family Christmas's etc . They even had separate parties for their 30th. It definitely has an impact on the rest of the family

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

BlessedArt

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

It made life easier that my DH and I didn’t share birth children, so all I could do was stand by him in support of him, with the way his adult children were carrying on.

The only emotions I felt towards them were murderous. 🙄

But, it was wearing - adult children threatening, abusing and having tantrums is incredibly boring.

I wouldn’t have put up with it from my own ACs and it was frustrating.

But, they lost out, big time, in the end, so I can only hope they’re happy with how it all panned out. 😉

They reaped what they’d sown. .

Smileless2012

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

Well, as I’ve said before - my mother was a difficult woman (to say the least 😳) but she was a lovely, lovely Nan, and I never had any thoughts of disrupting what she and my young children, at that point, had.

They loved her until the day she died. They never knew my true feelings about her - and they never will.

They came first in my life. 😊

But, there was never any question of me not standing by, and supporting my late husband with regards to his ghastly ACs. . 😉

They had the front to contact me a few months ago to ‘mend bridges’

I trust my two word answer to them was crystal clear, 🤐

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.

As a mother estranged, listening to people that estrange their parents because they do not get on is chilling. Perhaps they will have children of their own who will one day follow the pattern and estrange them and wont't know why just that they love them despite a problem unknown. Only then can you judge.

Mamasperspective

I don't think it's about choosing a side but it is important to call out the horrible behaviour when you see it, otherwise you could be seen as enabling the mistreatment of the one being targeted. It's important to hear both sides and just see both parties as fully functioning grown adults instead of making excuses based on age/past negative life experiences etc. I certainly wouldn't just sit back and say nothing as then you are allowing mistreatment continue, and that's basically choosing a side anyway. The issue is the initial cause of the conflict and that's what needs to be addressed ... so many families prefer to rug sweep and pretend an issue hasn't happened which causes resentment and (I believe) is a major reason why estrangement levels are so high at the moment.

Well, our problem with DHs ACs wasn’t historical grievances etc.

They wanted money, monthly, to prop up a combination of reckless debt, alcohol addiction, and gambling addiction.

We said ‘no’. And then bouncing estrangement started -for 18 years. 🙄

Then we got into the ‘all old people are a burden’ routine. We never once asked them to do a thing.

Luckily, my family are the complete opposite, so we didn’t miss his lot too much.

When he died, they waited expectantly for the inheritance they assumed they’d get.

However, he’d changed his Will. They got nothing.

So, as I say, I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in the Winter. 😉

That's a good point Mamasperspective. Not calling out horrible behaviour can be viewed as condoning it and allowing it to continue, by the one carrying it out and the one on the receiving end.

There is for some, the fear that if they do 'call it out' that they may also find themselves estranged which I think was the dilemma my m.i.l. faced.

She didn't like the way we and especially her son were being treated but didn't want to be prevented from seeing her GS and GGC.

All you can do is keep the warring parties apart, it's never simple or easy and you may never get resolution dont take sides

Years ago I met a woman on an IT course who was estranged from her son. It struck me as very odd indeed.

It's only now that I am estranged from my younger daughter that I fully understand how this can happen.

It's painful, but I had had enough and so had her sister.

HeyGirl

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

Estrangement CAN be undone

It would have struck me as odd too albertina, if it hadn't happened to us.

Sometimes it's better to take a step back long before estrangement...as estrangement is so unforgiving and often final. I think we all can allow things to simmer away inside us. Then the big blow up! God I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other.

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

I wish we were better equipped to communicate and better understand each other I'm sure that a lot of the pain that estrangement causes would be avoided if we were Plevey.

There's no blame in seeking emotional support when going through a particularly difficult time stillawipp. Maybe those who haven't quite got there yet are still trying to understand and come to terms with what happened. Maybe they'll never get there and if they don't, that will be because of the decisions they make and not because when you needed it, you asked for support and they wanted to give it to you.

Thank you Smileless2012, that’s very kind of you to say 🙏🏻

stillawipp

Tbh I didn’t know what I wanted during our estrangement - half the time I wanted the whole family to ‘come over to our side’ and thus provide validation for us being estranged, and then the other half of the time my heart broke for my son at the prospect of him being isolated from other family members as well as us! My poor family didn’t know which way was up, I don’t think! Now that we are reconciled, I am so thankful at the ones who have ‘followed our lead’ and reconnected with him too, and as for the ones who haven’t quite got there yet….well I just reason that I am partly to blame for seeking emotional support from them in the first place.

I completely understand your point there. Being a person who is being vented at that does not wish to take sides. It is very hard when there is clear upset and it is also hard to know whose version is the truth. I think it is probably always safer to try and protect family relationships and either talk it through with friends who probably know you the best. I must say that I have always been more likely to talk to friends rather than risk anyone being in the middle. I can't say I could manage that successfully though in such a high emotion situation.

Estrangement rarely if ever only affects the ones who estrange, and the ones who have been estranged.

It doesn't have to be talked about in any detail for other family members to know the pain that's caused as a result. Siblings for example may struggle with seeing the affect on their parents and they and others may not feel comfortable being in contact for fear of increasing that pain, or because they simply don't agree with what's happening.

There's also the possibility that other family members may not wish to be seen as condoning what's happened if they don't, as Mamasperspective posted earlier, 'call out' what they perceive as mistreatment by the one whose estranged or the one whose been estranged.

Is it acceptable for anyone to expect us to choose a side?

IMO, the person estranged shouldn't talk to any other family member attempting to explain what they did or said as I believe that could only cause problems. Least said soonest mended.

Seems if only one parent is estranged the other should continue their own loving relationship with their child, remaining neutral to whatever estrangement issues their spouse may express.

Our daughter estranged herself 6 years ago from both of us, with no warning or explanation. She posted all sorts of horrible things about my wife on social media, but nothing about me, because (so I am told) I was her favourite parent, the fun guy, whereas my wife did most of the hard and unappreciated work in managing the house and the family. Which is very unfair, because I've no doubt that my wife was the better parent.

I don't know if she will ever reach out to us, but if she does, it's more likely to be to me. So I've given a lot of thought to what I would do if she wants to reconcile with me but not with my wife. And I've decided I would put my wife first and explain that we are a team, she either reconciles with both of us or neither of us, and if she chooses the latter, well that would be her choice.

IMO it's unrealistic to expect those who have been estranged not to talk to other family members about it Norah.

We were frequently asked especially in the beginning if there's been any contact, how we were and how we were coping. After 13.5 years we're no longer asked about contact but are still asked how we are and how we're coping at certain times of the Year. Christmas; birthdays; mothers and fathers day.

Least said soonest mended well after years of estrangement this clearly hasn't been the case for us and for many others.

As for whether or not one parent should continue the relationship with the AC whose estranged the other, that is something only they can decide. It needs to be a joint decision and it needs to be looked at again if the reality is causing problems for the one being excluded which could also undermine their relationship.

Mr. S. and I had that conversation years ago and decided that any reconciliation would have to include both or neither. Without the support we had from one another, I doubt either of us would have come through this. We come as a pair; united we stand and I think that divided we'd have fallen.