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Estrangement

Do I run for cover?

(9 Posts)
InRainbows Tue 07-Jul-26 18:01:12

My niece and I have always been incredibly close. I was still at school when she came along and so I was always with her at family functions and very soon was babysitting her often, especially in the school holidays even though my sister never worked. Eventually it came time for her to babysit for me and she would often stay for weeks in the holidays because my home is beautifully set with a pool so it was like a holiday. Even her friends came to stay many times. She has always been a sweet girl in my presence apart from the usual teenage phases.

A little while ago now her relationship with my sister broke down and then separated.

At first, this did not put any pressure on me and I just quietly hoped things would resolve. Now things are getting very stressful.

My niece does not talk about her mum, she does not ask after her. My sister is becoming a very different story. At first it was simple, asking after her daughter to which I would give a non committal answer as to her welfare. Now things have become very harassing.

My sister will often message me and demand to know if I have seen her daughter and when. If I cannot attend an arrangement with my sister, she believes it is because I am with my niece. If I am unable to speak on the phone or answer her messages immediately she will send message after message asking if I am with her and then instructions on what I should say to my niece in that case. Even more frustrating is that she has started to do the same with my children, her own niece's and nephews and they are becoming stressed too.

Right or wrong I am not telling my sister her daughter isn't speaking about her. I have my reasons for that because I said it just once and my sister became enraged. I am getting my sister's side of stories I haven't witnessed myself. The way my sister is treating me over this is starting to make me doubt her word.

In all the situation is escalating and becoming harder to manage. No matter how I tell my sister I have every right to a private relationship with her daughter, she does not stop and I am losing sleep.

How do I cope? Do I block her to try and get a break for myself? The people mentioned here are our only remaining family on that side, my husband has a large family we are close to. I hate the thought of my sister being alone apart from her husband who is not very sociable but my own mental health feels at risk. What should I do?

Cossy Tue 07-Jul-26 18:08:59

I think you need to think long and hard about this.

I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing re not discussing your niece with your sister.

Why not tell her that temporarily you’re taking a break. That you have lots on your plate and that although you’re sure she’s not deliberately harassing you, you are feeling too much pressure at the moment.

Having explained that, I wouldn’t block her, but I would avoid picking up phone calls from her and refrain from answering texts, just for a while.

Don’t feel guilty, you didn’t cause the rift between your sister and her daughter.

M0nica Tue 07-Jul-26 18:16:40

Is there a reason why your sister has started to act the way she is? Is she going through the menopause, od if much older is she developing any serious health problems? Can you talk to her husband about her health and behaviour?

I agree with the advice Cossy has given, but tink some background research is needed before you decide what to do.

March Tue 07-Jul-26 18:57:46

I'd let your sister know her daughter is safe and you can't discuss things as it's her daughter's wishes.

I think her behaviour explains why she's turned to you.

Shelflife Tue 07-Jul-26 19:17:42

Well said March.

Cossy Tue 07-Jul-26 19:20:40

March

I'd let your sister know her daughter is safe and you can't discuss things as it's her daughter's wishes.

I think her behaviour explains why she's turned to you.

Yes!

fancythat Tue 07-Jul-26 19:33:20

I'd let your sister know her daughter is safe and you can't discuss things as it's her daughter's wishes.

Not sure I would do that.

I would want to continue relationship with sister if I could.

Allsorts Tue 07-Jul-26 20:25:21

She resents your relationship with her daughter, it should be her but isn't. I can understand her feelings however wrong they are. I do not think you can have both.

Smileless2012 Tue 07-Jul-26 20:50:58

I think Allsorts is right InRainbows. As an EP, I don't know how I would cope knowing that my sister if I had one, was seeing my D on a regular basis.

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that I would be OK with this and would want to be, only to find that the realisation is far harder than I could have imagined.

I don't think you should block her, that would be cruel and only add to the pain and distress she's experiencing due to the separation from her D.

Maybe it would be easier to have a sensible discussion with your niece who it appears from your post, is dealing with the estrangement better than your sister and explain, if this is how you feel, that for the time being you feel that you cannot continue your relationship because of the effect it's having on her mum.

I do not think you can have both I think that at least for the time being Allsorts is right. You say you don't want your sister to be alone with her husband and if you block her not only will she be, but the torment of knowing you're seeing her D will only increase.