90 yr old ‘spoiling’ our Bridge group

Perhaps play for longer until the game is finished?

It's good to see you're thinking of kind solutions.
The 'spoiling it for everyone' line seems quite selfish to me, if there has been no effort to find a solution.
There used to be a similar lady at a Scrabble group I once attended.
One other lady made quite cutting comments to begin with but fortunately, as we didn't move tables, she could just choose to sit away from the slow lady while there were others who didn't mind slow games.

I don't think it's mean to have a generous length timer. It depends on the activity, doesn't it?

Bridge is demanding whereas other U3A groups can afford slow bits (or even dropping off) and people still enjoy themselves.

I think the needs are to be as every bit as kind as possible but have gentle boundaries.

Eventually make it possible for people to keep coming but "observe" or work as partners - ie some of the players work in "2's"?

Groups can spilt up altogether with this sort of thing if benign solutions aren't worked out.
Then everyone loses out.

DH plays bridge with a group of mainly older ladies. One is 100 and still very bright, but a bit slow. There is one lady who is painfully slow and hesitant- but she is 72.

At then end of the day (or year, or next ...) it might be you, or the one who says 'please try to speed up'. Karma.

This has recently happened at the golf club. The Captain set up a new group naming it the Platinum Section. Subtle but not offensive. It seems to be working for those that dwindle, or have memory or numerical issues etc. Lots of support is provided with scores etc.

I am generally in the ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ camp. But… I read your thread and thought it was so mean spirited.

My lovely late father was widowed the day after his 80th birthday. My mother was 72 and had a terrible, painful death. They loved each other dearly and had been married 50 years. Dad was the bravest person I have ever known. Never complained, he was absolutely inspirational.

Having been a brilliant bridge player at university, he began to play and socialise a little. He often won trophys. After a few years he began to slow down and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

He knew he was no longer as sharp, but carried on playing until his bridge partner made some terribly cutting remarks. I don’t think I have ever seen anything more sad than the pain, hurt and confusion in his eyes. He never went out again and only socialised with his us, his family.

Before you say or do anything, consider what you might do to this person. Is it really much more than a minor irritation to you? This might be her only connection to the world. One day you might be in her shoes…

Your personal experience of this, with your dear father, touched me greatly. Wise words.

Sweetpeasue

Your personal experience of this, with your dear father, touched me greatly. Wise words.

Thank you. I think that this has made me a better person. If I find myself being irritated by someone being slow in the supermarket, for example. I always ask myself, ‘what would you do if this was dad? How would you want someone to speak to him?’ Kindness costs so little, but can be transformative.

I belong to a popular group and our leader decided that she would permit an elderly lady with dementia to join the group. She was dropped off by her family and left to be 'looked after' by the rest of us. It was a double edged sword. She was very nice and had some lucid memories to chat over but could not remember short term. Some members gave up going because she depressed them, (they were in their 70s) and other were nothing but kind. Was she a vision they feared of themselves in a few years? Here go I but for the grace of God!

Mallin I love your suggestion!
I'd like to be one of his "infants".

BTW my mother-in-law played bridge with U3A (and elsewhere) joining a new (and she thought, better) group when she moved house at 96.

She unfortunately had a TIA at 97 and voluntarily "retired" pretty much at once as she knew she was slower. Afterwards when asked why she wasn't wanting to go anymore she said it's not nice being slower and how very annoying it was for others if you were too slow.

Since then she has learnt Bezique and looks forward to her Bezique afternoons. She has never played Bezique before by the way. She is now 99.

Readog

She’s 90. She’s going out. She’s playing. She obviously enjoys. Either all move around the tables or just accept that she is a marvellous 90 year old who is still active and socially interacting.

Exactly- why not take it in turn to be her patient 'buddy' to help her with her game? That is what OH and group do with their wonderful, amazing 100 year old.

It will be you next, perhaps.

Either the Bridge group is intended a s social get-together with bridge as a social focus, or it's intended for serious bridge players who have a level of skill. The group leader should make this clear.

I'd have thought that this group is large enough for there to be some control over the level of skill. Some topics , e.g. creative writing, or beginners' groups , can include poor players, however from the little I know of bridge it's a game of skill.

You could look at this from the other side, you say 90 year old spoiling our group, maybe she is thinking ‘impatient person spoiling our group’.

Yes, punctuation! It was the lady with the notes who claimed to be stupid herself. She knows notes are not allowed but I believe she has tried this when playing at the club. In house bridge we said nothing so as not to offend.
As for your slow lady, if she is playing at a club where you move tables , she is spoiling it for the whole room and would be better playing a friendly game away from the competition.

I think bridge and golf have something in common. In golf you are supposed to be right behind the 4 in front not right in front of the 4 behind. It's etiquette and can cause a lot of ill feeling.
I once got paired with a very slow lady and when I reminded her that the men behind were getting annoyed and suggested waving them through she said, 'let them wait, we're not in any hurry.
Never again.

If you are right behind the 4 in front, then surely they are right in front of your 4?
I'm glad I don't play golf. Sounds too stressful.

No, it means the game moves at a steady pace. I have seen players dither and practice a shot, change the club, then walk back to their bag which they should have already brought up to the ball. After about 5 minutes the group behind are waiting and the stress has been caused by not knowing the etiquette.
It can be a stressful game and is often played by people who will quickly tell you off.

FarNorth

If you are right behind the 4 in front, then surely they are right in front of your 4?
I'm glad I don't play golf. Sounds too stressful.

oh yes- and a good walk spoiled.