Limericks 9

I hated lessons on home economics
I also hated maths and statistics
So I can`t bake a cake
Nor use a rake
But my powers are ever so mystic

I can forecast the lottery numbers

I can forecast the lottery numbers
But can't,for the life of me, grow cucumbers

I can forecast the lottery numbers
But can't,for the life of me, grow cucumbers
I find all lost socks

I can forecast the lottery numbers
But can't,for the life of me, grow cucumbers
I find all lost socks
And grow hollyhocks

I can forecast the lottery numbers
But can't,for the life of me, grow cucumbers
I find all lost socks
And grow hollyhocks
And sell them to family members !

Never short of ideas to make a quick buck

Never short of ideas to make a quick buck
I thought that I maybe could teach folk to cook,

Never short of ideas to make a quick buck
I thought that I maybe could teach folk to cook,
With my recipes ready

Never short of ideas to make a quick buck
I thought that I maybe could teach folk to cook,
With my recipes ready
And hands really steady,

Never short of ideas to make a quick buck
I thought that I maybe could teach folk to cook,
With my recipes ready
And hands really steady,
Drat, where is my recipe book?

Sadly, that was a non - starter

Sadly, that was a non - starter
Have to find something else to barter

Sadly, that was a non - starter
Have to find something else to barter
I can dance, does that help?

Sadly, that was a non-starter
Have to find something else to barter
I can dance, does that help?
Or wait for the dog to whelp?

Sadly that was a non-starter
Have to find something else to barter
I can dance, does that help?
Or wait for the dog to help
Surely there's an idea that's smarter?

Perhaps I could model for art class?

Perhaps I could model for art class?
An ideal job for a big lass

Perhaps I could model for art class?
An ideal job for a big lass
It's just that my tum

Perhaps I could model for art class?
An ideal job for a big lass
It's just that my tum
Sticks out like a sore thumb

Perhaps I could model for art class?
An ideal job for a big lass
It's just that my tum
Sticks out like a sore thumb
But my best side is really my cute ass.

Ten lively old grannies went climbing

Ten lively old grannies went climbing
They spoke with words that were rhyming

Ten lively old grannies went climbing
They spoke with words that were rhyming
If we reach that rock

Ten lively old grannies went climbing
They spoke with words that were rhyming
If we reach that rock
I'll give you a talk

Ten lively old grannies went climbing
They spoke with words that were rhyming
If we reach that rock
I'll give you a talk
That shows off my comedy timing.

Then later we'll sail down the river

Then later we'll sail down the river
While eating bacon, onions and liver

Then later we'll sail down the river
While eating bacon, onions and liver
A great time we'll have

Then later we`ll sail down the river
While eating bacon, onions and liver
A great time we`ll have
Damn, I forgot the sat/nav

Then later we`ll sail down the river
While eating bacon, onions and liver
A great time we`ll have
Damn, I forgot the sat/nav
Oh don’t worry, I think Crazy’s got it wiv ‘er

After that a nice walk in the woods