Estranged Grandparents .

Sign the petition Shadow Too late for me sadly, I shared on FB and asked all to share too. If it had been around when I was first 'cut out' I could have then continued seeing my beloved GC, but 3yrs on it's too late there should be a crying face on this page :'-(

I renewed my 'Will' today, making sure my estD&S do not inherit. I've asked for the words "Devoted Mother and Grandmother. Died of/with a broken heart" to be put on my Gravestone. If I'd have known when I was first 'cut out' in Nov 2012 that in Nov 2015 I would still be 'cut out' I think I would have put myself out of my misery. Fourth Xmas coming up, how can you be happy. I always loved Xmas before all this

riclorian
Your grandchildren must have been small when you were 'cut out' if it's been 14yrs! How old were they then?

Hello yoga girl , one grandson was 11yrs and the other was 7yrs .Both quite grown up now ,we missed so much of their childhood but we will all look forward to the future now .I know exactly what you are going through , I cried inwardly for 14 yrs .Please hang on ,dont give up hoping ,I am sure your granddaughter will become curious one day and want to discover her roots .In the meantime stay incontact if you can via cards etc even if their is no reply that way sne will know that you are there and still care .Good luck .I am thinking of you .

I hope you will forgive me reposting a comment I posted on the "other" thread, because I know not everybody looks at it, regarding it as being perhaps more restricted to a smaller "personal" group.

A good article in the Telegraph "Stella" magazine today on Christmas for broken families. It reiterates much of what has been said here, but also (in the main article) tries to give a fresh perspective too.
www.Telegraph.co.uk/stella

How to fix a broken family
Talk to a therapist
Unlike a well-meaning friend, a therapist won’t judge you or take sides,’ says Christine Northam, a Relate family counsellor (relate.org.uk). ‘They’ll see the situation from your perspective and help you find a way forward
Let go of blame
Instead, try to understand how the situation arose,’ says Northam Understanding helps diffuse anger
Know your rights
If you’re a grandparent (or parent) being denied access to children, know your legal rights. ‘Grandparents are increasingly being cut out of grandchildren’s lives in bitter divorces. Seek legal advice or try a support group for estranged grandparents.’ One to try: grandparents-association.org.uk
Leave the door open
If you want to reconcile, write a letter or send an email,’ says Northam
‘Explain that you want to make up and even if you don’t get a reply any time soon, you’ve left the door open for a future reconciliation
Don’t get others involved
Explain the situation to other family members, but don’t try to get them to take sides,’ says Northam, adding that this will just cause new cracks within the family or cause existing ones to deepen
Look after yourself first
If you feel happier and safer (emotionally or physically) not having a relationship with a family member, then know that’s OK,’ says Dr Blake. Becca Bland adds that most of the people in Stand Alone’s latest study felt there were positive aspects to being estranged

Thanks Alea, calm and well informed advice in the post. I agree with th suggestion to talk to a therapist who can help those of us struggling with emotions that can be over whelming to find a way forward.
It's important to acknowledge that some people can feel safer emotionally or physically not having a relationship with a family member.

Thanks for explaining further, riciorian. However, I should have caught the term "ex-daughter-in-law" in your first post. That explains a lot. I suppose you lost contact with your GC cuz your XDIL no longer felt any connection to you and DS either didn't get visitation, somehow, or XDIL didn't go through with it. You should have been able to see the boys during DS' visiting time, but, obviously and sadly, he didn't have any. Heartbreaking! But glad your GSs are back in your life now.

Meanwhile, my heart goes out to everyone here who is or has ever been denied access to their GC! How painful! It might not help much but sending you all (((hugs))).

I've just about managed to fix my broken family after my dh passed away over 3 years ago.

My youngest son took his dad's death very badly and thought that me and his 2 older brothers had "taken against him." He cut himself off completely and no-one heard from him for over 18 months.

During that time I found out where he lived (he had moved house) and sent numerous letters and postcards but there was no reply.

When his baby was born I received a text in the middle of the night. I cried with joy as you can imagine.

I have seen the baby a few times now but my younger son will have nothing to do with his brothers even thought the eldest has just recovered from life threatening cancer.

I won't give up. I keep in touch my e mail and keep the door open. I have 2 other grandchildren and I would so love to see the 3 cousins together but this is a distant dream.

I will be 70 next year and I may ask them to reconcile with each other but to be honest I don't hold out much hope for that, although all 3 of them are remarking on the fact that I'm getting older. My mum lived to 90 but from 83 on wards she had a dementia.

Everyone deals with this sort of situation in their own way but I'm tenacious and hope that one day the brothers will all be friends again as they once were. My dh would have been devasted if he had known that his passing would cause all this trauma but it happened and I'm hoping to make it better again.

Best wishes to all in similar situations.

Thank you Riclorian Sadly I can only put cards in their gifts sack, as I don't have their new address, they still !I've just 5mins away though. I opened savings accounts for them, so Xmas and birthdays I put a money gift in.

When I did have their address and posted Xmas,Easter & birthday cards to my beloved GC, they would be posted back through my letter box, all ripped up :'( I've kept them, so one day, maybe...

Thank you for the Hug wendysue
Falconbird so sorry for the !loss of your dear husband. Your boys lossing their dad must have been traumatic for them and sadly your youngest reacted adversely. How wonderful to get a txt in the middle of the night like that, telling you of your new GC.
for all

Falcon, just a thought - I understand why you would love to see all your GC get together. I would feel the same way in your shoes. However, please remember it's not your job to make that happen. It may be wisest to just enjoy your relationship with each DS and GC, as it is, and not try to influence their relationships with each other.

Yoga, I think it's a great idea to just keep the cards, etc., to give to your GC, later, if they ever reach out to you. I also hope that you and other EGPs here each have a FB page, so your GC can more easily find you, if they are so inclined, when they are older.

Hi Wendysue.

The cousins meeting is up to the parents - I totally agree.

Shadow did you never reconile with your daughter?

Riclorian that is fantastic news and give us all hope.

How kind of wendysue like yogagirl thank you.

After 7 long years of trying all we can have take. Professional advice to step back. I never thought of it from that angle that we. Wed to protect ourselves it does affect your health.

Stupid iPad meant we need to protect ourselves

I feel like Im grieving without a death.
Here in Canada, the law takes the view of "in the best interests of the child". However, if the custodial parent(s) feel that it is not in the childs best interests to see the grandparents, the courts are reluctant to rule against a guardians opinions. (seeing as the guardian was appointed by the court in the first place).
In my case, I have been advised to keep a paper trail, be as conciliatory as possible (difficult), and to always be open to dialogue, mediated or otherwise.
All I really have is hope. Hope that my DGD's mother, my DD, will return from mental illness and drug addiction to take her rightful place as part of her little girls life. And hope that reason and love will win over the hurt my DGD's father feels towards his daughters mother and her family.

Thank you riclorian for sharing your story of hope. Our eldest GC will be 4 in January and was 8 months old when we were last allowed to have any contact with him. Our second was born just 2 weeks ago, and shares the same bday as the grand father he'll probably never know.

They will never have any memories of us, we will see them from time to time as they live only 15 doors away; we'll see them with our ES and with the child minder. Based on the lies that have already been told, I dread to think what those children will be told to explain why we were never a part of their lives.

We send bday and Christmas cards and from time to time I put my thoughts of love into poetry. I always buy 2 of each of the cards, one for them and one for their memory boxes which will be left to them in my will.

Unless parents truly believe their children will be at risk of abuse, there is no justification for depriving their children of grandparents who simply want to love them. To do so is a cruel and vindictive act. They're using their children like weapons, to inflict pain and suffering on the very people who loved them and did their best for them. Or in the case of a divorce, to exact revenge on the parents of their ex.

You are grieving NannaM, it's referred too as a living bereavement; in some cases we grieve for the children and grandchildren we've lost but are living still, for others due to the breakdown of their child's relationship it is the grandchildren who they lose.

They've taken away something that can never be given back; lost years and for us, they've taken away our only chance of being grandparents.

I think Grandparents should have rights.
Being locked out of my grandchildrens lives made me feel suicidal, I felt like I had nothing to live for.
It has happened on a number of occasions, one of which was years.
The thing that made me feel suicidal was when I went to my sons house with presents for my grandchildren but they weren't in & the babysitter took the presents. My granddaughter (5/6) was standing on the stairs & I asked if Grandma could get a cuddle & I wasn't prepared for what happened next...she said "we don't want to see you because we don't like you" I just walked away feeling sick & my head was spinning. I got in to my car & drove home with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't believe what I had just heard & it was being repeated again & again in my head. When I told my friends they said that a 5/6yr old child doesn't come away with comments like that & she had probably heard her parents say it.
At present I am seeing my grandchildren (2 girls & 2 boys) which is great but I am always aware of what I say or do in case it's the wrong thing. I am also happy that my son is back in my life & his wife & I are getting on ok.

So sorry NannaM

Nice to see you on this thread Celebgran & Smileless and well said both of you on 'our page'

How awful for you MissW52 to hear that from your beloved GD is things of nightmares , yet you are back in their lives now, so that is wonderful. For sure your GD got that sentence from her mum, your D.i.l, no doubt the babysitter had something to say to your GD about that being a very unkind thing to say to her nannie & I imagine the parents; your Son and D.i.l were told of it too. Did they reunited with you soon after, I wonder.

MissW52. I hope things continue to go well for you.

So happy for you riclorian.
Well done for being so faithful and true for such a long time and for not saying anything unhelpful now that contact has been resumed.

I have to agree with the suggestion of GPs having a Facebook page since young people are so very curious and your DGC will certainly look. Just make sure there is nothing contentious on there no matter how tempting! Zip it and let love conquer all!
Ancestry Family trees are another way of ensuring a family presence on the internet and since young people are so into technology and are so curious it could be another opportunity for making connections.

So much hurt and pain out there, so many families ruptured, it is truly overwhelming. My thoughts and prayers are with all those suffering this type of bereavement.

When I was a young mum bringing up 3 children I would never have stopped my mother and in-laws from seeing my children. I sometimes would have liked to because all three of them were a nightmare.

They were critical, difficult and generally really awful. However it wasn't all about me and my dh, it was about the children needing to see their grandparents, warts and all and I was a buffer between them and my kids.

My friends were all the same and we all put up with a lot for the sake of the children. I went through some dreadful Christmases with criticism, moaning, etc, from the grandparents but I just shrugged it off.

All the grandparents have now passed away and I'm glad my children knew them and of course, it wasn't all bad and they have happy memories of an older generation and an idea of where they came from and which inherited characteristics to avoid.

Falconbird that is marvellous likewise there were times was a chore having Gra dad over so often he was sole surviving grandparent only passed 7 years ago, but I do feel glad I never pushed him away it would t have occurred to me.

Seems different for this generation.ultimately the children are then,losers, we would have given so much time and love to the little ones.

You're more than welcome to the hugs, ladies. And thank you, celebgran, for the compliment.

It's interesting, celebgran, that you and DH were advised to step back for your own sake. So often, I hear people say that EPs should step back to give their adult DS or DD "space." However, the idea that this might help the GPs, too, makes sense to me. Trying to make contact with an unwilling person or their kids must be very stressful. I'm sorry if it has damaged your health. I hope you and DH can focus more on healing now.

NanaM, I'm not surprised you feel as if you're grieving - a double grief, I suppose, because you're DD is "lost' (for now) to mental illness and addiction and you're being deprived of your GC on top of that. How very painful! I'm so sorry! I understand that the dad may be disappointed in the mom, but I don't get why he should feel any hurt where her parents are concerned. Is he blaming you for your adult DD's actions? So unfair! I hope he gets over that soon.

MissW52, I'm glad to hear that you're now seeing your GC again! I hope it continues. I'm sorry you had to hear your GD say those hurtful things, that time, but I agree with your friends that she was just echoing what she heard her parents say. Or maybe voicing a child's interpretation of what she heard her parents' say. But I'm glad that's all behind you now.

Synonymous, I agree with your idea about keeping contentious things off the FB page. Saying anything that might upset the parents if they saw it could simply backfire. Also, I like the idea of keeping an Ancestry tree in the hopes of making a connection with an EGC someday. The Internet is definitely the way to go where young people are concerned.

I'm on the fence with this.

I think it should be called "Grandchild or Childs rights" not all Grandparents are lovely people and it's unfair to let a child have a relationship with a grandparent just because of the title.

100% believe that grandparents who have been cut out through spite, who have been a positive, loving role model for children should get to see and spend time with their DGC. I loved seeing my nan as a child and still do now!

Grandparents who are abusive, selfish, nasty who bring nothing into a child's life, I don't think should get the time of day.

Being a parent, daughter, son etc doesn't mean you're a nice person. The title doesn't give you the right. Each person is different and each case will have to be looked into individually. It's not as black and white as that unfortunately.

You can go to court for access to grandchildren if you can provide evidence that you have been a constant in their life. It's completely unfair for an adult let alone a child to be ripped away from a loving member of the family. Really hope you ladies get the outcome you want.