Estranged Grandparents .

Support for family members cut out of their loved ones lives

Your story inspired me to start a college fund for my granddaughter I’ve never met! Although she is not yet 3, and there’s little hope for reconciliation with my daughter, you’ve rekindled hope that I might have a chance to pass on a partial legacy in the form of education. Wouldn’t it be wonderful?! THANK YOU!

Grandparents really need to be conscientious of their “expectations” when dealing with a baby and the new nuclear family that forms around the child. So too often some grandparents offer unsolicited advice, act competitive with the other grands, expect to be involved in everything, send out guilt tripping texts - and quite frankly it can be overwhelming
And too much to bear for the new family.

My mil is like this. And while we currently see her a couple of times a month, I am always weary of her and her intentions because if she had her way, she would be here multiple times a week and would act like a third parent to my child.

Grandparents should not have rights. They have privileges. And these privileges are sometimes removed when they act selfish, entitled and not in the best interests of the family.

Without the grandparent there would be no children, no grandchildren. How many children would we have without the grandmother? None. She gave birth to their daddy. Her blood is their blood. How can anyone say she has no rights? We are all family.

And another thing. We don’t own our children . They are on loan to us, to be loved and treasured and hopefully brought up to be useful members of society. Make the most of your in-laws....we miss being mums!! (unless they’re absolute dragons, then you need to emigrate...)

My DIL has just this week told me that we are no longer welcome to see our granddaughters anymore. I am heartbroken, can’t stop crying. I have text my son he hasn’t answered, tried ringing he won’t answer. My husband and I have done nothing to deserve this but in a way we knew it was coming as our DIL has wanted us out of his life since they met, she just wants her family in there lives and not us. She has even blocked us on Facebook so we can’t see pictures of them, which maybe is a blessing. I wish he could see what she is doing.I never in a million years thought he would turn out like this. Luckily I have other grandchildren to lavish my affection on never had a problem with my other DILs or my SIL. So good to know we may see them again in the future.

Nitpick48. That is one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever heard. That just because a mil is a grandparent “her blood is their blood” she should have automatic rights.

Relationships take work. Nothing in life is a given. If the mil is meddling, opinionated and undermining, then she forfeits the right to be actively involved. Nothing - absolutely nothing - trumps the rights of patents to decide what works best for their family.

In your ideal world, how often would a mil see the grandchildren?

My daughter was severely beaten by her boyfriend in front of my grandson when he was 1 1/2. My 2nd husband and I got her moved out and relocated to a family shelter and other temporary housing. She has mental illness so has County supportive services and is able to work.. The father has drug issues and relapses a lot.
We got a restraining order and helped her rebuild her life but she took him back last year. They have joint legal custody but she has physical custody and he can see the child once week or more--if she allows it but she let him move in! She doesn't drive and has a sitter who doesn't drive. We have been helping them at least twice a week for all this time and with a lot of driving. Now, his license is suspended and she only has a Learner's permit and is not supposed to drive the child alone but my friend said she told her she has been transporting him to the sitter. Boyfriend's license has been suspended.

After we reported that the child's eye looked like he was punched 2 months ago to Child Protective Services, they cut us off from seeing our grandson. They investigated and closed that case.

CPS doesn't get involved in driving in this case and said contact police who suggested we get a detective to get proof of her driving the child alone. This is tearing my marriage up. I don't know whether to try to catch her driving or turn her in for having him illegally in her apartment. My husband says do whatever it takes--even if she has to lose her son.

The boyfriend is very controlling and no close other family see this child.

Diktat, I completely agree with you. We do not have rights, only privileges, and too often we hear of grandparents expecting to essential be a third parent to their grandchildren and then wondering why they are excluded.

But human relationships are complex and while some exclusions have a good reason, family and personal relationships break-up for all kinds of reasons and sometimes for no reason at all and it is very hard for those excluded whether grandparents, separated parents or others involved in these break-ups.

While agreeing with what you say. I am very aware how devastating these broken relationships are for those who suffer from them and do not know why.

Terrygran

It's very, very hard for an abused person to get out of an abusive relationship, for a number of reasons:

1. The victim often suffers from very low self-esteem and may feel that they triggered the abuse.

2. The abuser often assumes control over money.

3. The abuse often escalates and may become homicidal when the victim tries to leave.

The fact that there is a child in the situation makes it even more difficult.

I would recommend just staying out of it. Realistically, if you report them, your grandchild could well end up with NO parents. Do you honestly feel that it's in the child's best interest to completely destroy their family? NO child deserves to live with abuse. But you reported to CPS and that's all you could do. Now you need to leave it to the professionals.

Of course you worry. I'm worried. But it's not as simple as LTB.

Sorry but there are several living family members on both sides of our grandson's family who would be happy to take him. A mentally ill daughter and a drug abuser (2 time felon, by the way) have been given many chances and screw it up every time. My daughter's stepdad has had it and it is ruining our marriage as I don't want to back off after raising her to do the right thing--only to have her go back to this deadbeat.

Her driving could get my grandson (and maybe daughter) hurt or killed but no one has responded to that point.

Thankyou Ricorian for letting us hear your good news

We were separated from our three oldest grandchildren following our son's divorce from his first wife.This went on for two years until everything was resolved and our son got access to them.
I was heartbroken during this time but still sent birthday and Christmas cards so they knew they still loved us.We never sent money or presents though incase they never got given them.
when we were re united they acted like it was only the day before since we had last seen them.They are all grown up now but still visit often
there is light at the end of the tunnel

There can be light at the end of even the darkest family tunnel. Many, many years ago, my parents were quite devasted when their DiL broke all contact with them following a nasty divorce brought about by the extremely bad behavior of her husband. She, and her three children were then having to live back with her elderly parents and they just blamed the whole family for the bad behaviour of their (by then) ex-SiL.
My parents were absolutely broken by this. The two elder g.children and they had always had a very happy relationship. Indeed, only upon seeing the announcement of the marriage of the oldest child in a newspaper was I able to take them to see her married, sitting in as a visitor.
By this time, though I had also provided them with g.children to lavish their love on, but knew that nothing I could do could make up for the separation from the others.
When my niece returned from her honeymoon, she contacted my parents and came to see them. She said that whilst living in her other g.parents home, she felt she had to abide by their decision and they remained angry (with good reason) even after those many years. She continued to see her g.parents and they were able to see their first two great g.children and have a relationship with them. Her brother, also picked up a relationship with my parents when he left home.
Must say, I remained angry at their treatment by their DiL's parents. My parents had just as roundly condemned the behavior of their son, and did not understand why they were being punished for what he had done.
My parents, and the other g.parents are all long dead, (as is my brother - (never saw his children again - and he appeared not to care) but I do have contact and regular get-together's with my ex-SiL, and her children (my children's cousins), and their children (and even the next generation down).
Just to say, that time can heal many wounds.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.