Gransnet forums


court update

(52 Posts)
tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 15:44:07

Hi all just an update and a little advise please. The court papers for access to my grandson will be served in 2 weeks time. My DIL has no idea they are coming. I wonder if I should write / text her to forewarn her that I do not want a war, I just want access to my grandson who until last September I was so very close to. She has been fed lies and spite from my ex husband and his wife from who I have been divorced from for 19 years. They have fed these lies to my daughter and son and they have not spoken to me for 4 years. I do not know what these lies are and have never had the opportunity to hear or put my side to them - not that it makes any difference to how I feel about my grand children. Should I forewarn her in the hope she will want to sort things out rather than go to court? Or do I let the court sort out access ( although I know she doesn't have to stick to this either)?
Many thanks for any advice - its so hard to know what to do for the best when I have done nothing wrong.

Badenkate Tue 26-Jan-16 16:03:47

I think it depends on your relationship with your DIL. Reading your post, I don't get the impression that it's particularly good. In which case, contacting her in some way yourself could well result in a bad reaction and further antagonism towards you, which would make the relationship even more difficult. It might be best to maintain a distance away, and let legalities take their course - cold, I know, but perhaps best in the long run. However, I don't have experience of a situation like this and perhaps other people have had similar problems and can let you know how they dealt with it. I do hope you manage to resume contact with your grandchildren. It must be heart-breaking for you at the moment flowers

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 16:20:26

Thank you. I think I know it would be better to let the court deal with it. I just thought if she understood I was trying to do the right thing she may realise I am not what the others are making me out to be ie a bad person. However she is too stubborn to listen to my side. Thank you

Anya Tue 26-Jan-16 16:29:11

If it was me, I'd let the court deal with it. But others might know more than I do.

Badenkate Tue 26-Jan-16 16:54:42

Maybe you just have to take the long view tracyb. Hopefully everything will work and you get contact back with your grandchildren. You say you were very close to them, so what you do and say will filter back to their mother. If you resist being negative and critical about what has happened, it may be that she will eventually thaw.

Luckygirl Tue 26-Jan-16 17:23:08

I do hope that all else was tried before attempting a court order. It is a very blunt instrument and hard to enforce and might result in alienation rather than solving the problem. Once the lawyers get involved in any kind of domestic dispute then the knives are unsheathed and cannot be put back again.

I do sincerely hope you find a solution to this sad problem, but cannot pretend that I think the law is the right way to go.

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 17:55:03

Thank you and yes I have tried everything before court believe me. I can't give up on him but don't want all this bad feeling either.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 26-Jan-16 18:00:33

I think it would be best to leave it until the court papers have been served now. DIL might otherwise start to be more amenable to your having access, but then go back on it when the date for the hearing has passed. You have got this far. Perhaps best to stick to plan. Good luck.

Ana Tue 26-Jan-16 18:04:35

There's no guarantee the Court will decide in your favour, either. It's a controversial subject as grandparents have no automatic 'rights' (as I'm sure you know).

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:05:03

Thank you. I value your advice

glammanana Tue 26-Jan-16 18:07:07

I am so sorry that you feel you have to down this route because once it is started there is no going back I'm afraid and your DILs reaction will most likely be one of shear anger once those papers have been received there is no backtracking and she could possibly dig her heels in further,whilst the Courts may sympathise with you I'm not too sure if they can insist that she complies with their suggestions,very hard indeed for all concerned I feel.

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:07:34

No ana I realise that so will be prepared. I have to try.
. Such a shame ex feels the need after all this time to hurt me and for what really!

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:11:59

Yes but the other option is too hard to bear. We are so close and he is all I have of my son who lives in Dubai and who also believes all this nonsense. Its so hard but I feel I have to try

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 26-Jan-16 18:18:58

It must be a hard road to have to travel. But perhaps more "denied access" grans should do this. then perhaps the law might get changed.


glammanana Tue 26-Jan-16 18:25:14

tracyb Can you not try and meet up with your DIL without your DGS to try and find some common ground,just tell her you don't want to talk about anything anyone else has told her just that you have a civilised chat about the future and to how to go forward,that would maybe put the ball in her court and give you both the chance to mend things a wee bit,if she receives Court papers I feel she will alienate you permanently from her life.

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:25:59

Yes I don't think there is anything wrong with standing up for what is right. Grandparents should be acknowledged and the love we have for our grandchildren is never ending. I don't understand why some people feel that have to hurt and hit out ( my ex). Life is too short. My older 2 children already believe everything he tells them and I have been shut out. I cannot give up on my beautiful grandson.

NanaandGrampy Tue 26-Jan-16 18:32:09

Just a thought but if what your ex has said is untrue and you can prove it and obviously someone else heard it you would have a case for slander.

"Slander involves the oral "publication" of a defamatory remark that is heard by another, which injures the subject's reputation or character."

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:33:12

Hi glammanana do you think it is worth a try? I don't want to make things worse with court but she is hard to get through to and I get so upset trying to get my point across.

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:36:33

I don't know what he's said because my son , daughter and DIL won't tell me but I cannot honestly think of anything. If I knew how do I prove slander?

Ana Tue 26-Jan-16 18:39:07

Perhaps it will come out at the court hearing, then at least you'll know what it was.

tracyb Tue 26-Jan-16 18:51:27

Yes I guess so

Lavande Tue 26-Jan-16 19:26:39

What a difficult position you are in but it sounds as though you have little choice but to apply to the Court. What the Court will consider is the nature and extent of the relationship you have already with your grandson and the rights and needs of your grandchild to have a continuing relationship with you. In most cases, the Court will first seek a voluntary arrangement with his parents for you to stay in contact with him. This is on the basis that generally, agreements made between all concerned have a better chance of working out. Failing that the Judge can make a Contact Order, specifying where, when and how the arrangements for you to spend time with him should happen. Don't forget to include in your request additional non direct ways of contact with him, such as cards, letters, gifts etc. I hope it works out for you.

NanaandGrampy Wed 27-Jan-16 12:01:48

TracyB I'm afraid I don't know how you go about proving slander you'll need a legal opinion on that .

I'm sure it's not simple but if someone has defamed your reputation , which would be your ex to your son etc and it's not true then you would seem to have a case. The trouble being that no one will tell you what's said but you're probably entitled to know if they have cut you out solely because of that.

Good luck

Yogagirl Tue 16-Feb-16 08:25:16

So sorry for your plight TracyB From what you have said about your d.i.l I don't think even a court order will make her let you see your GS. Looking at all you have said, I would not go ahead with the court case. I went to court [3 times] for my precious GC, my GD & now estD lived with me & we had a very special, loving bond, but still I didn't get the permission from the courts, to go to court to request the visitation order. It makes it all a thousand times worst, with me, my GD stepdad lied about everything, it was all very nasty, the first two Judges were sympathetic to my course, the third one not! [think she was childless, so no empathy]

I think the only way is to try to win your d.i.l round. I wish I had done this, and hadn't gone to court, although I did for 3mnths without any break through with him. I haven't seen my precious GD,D&GS for 3.5yrs they live 5mins down the rd. every day is torture! I miss them all so, so much.

Best of luck flowers

f77ms Tue 16-Feb-16 09:33:50

Have I got this right Tracyb , your Daughter ,Son and DIL are all not speaking to you ? I cannot imagine what has been said to cause this drastic split with your children !
Do you have any other children you could call on to try to find out what you are supposed to have done to cause this ? It`s hard to believe they have all fallen out with you for no reason other than what your X has said ?
It may all come out in court then at least you will know what you are accused of . Will you have to attend the hearing ? x