Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

It's amazing how many of us on here have our children and grandchildren living overseas and although we all have heavy hearts over it we all know that children are not our POSSESSIONS I remember being told years ago that 'children are lent to us' Be proud they are confident and braved enough to try something different and if it fails then be there for them if they come back, WITHOUT the I told you so that is present in your voice in your post
Did you and your wife both live in your parents pockets all your life Gardenman and stay in the same area ? Is your daughter an only child as it sounds as if you have invested your whole life in her and live through her and her family, give them space to breathe, to explore, to make mistakes You don't mention your son in laws parents reaction that would be interesting to hear ?
You are saying you are a very close family but it sounds suffocating, miles between you doesn't take away closeness I think you are mistaking proximity for closeness
You must know by now your reaction was in the wrong but I don't think you will accept that you will believe we are all in the wrong and your family is different to ours You will be saying to yourself 'they don't understand they re not close like us '

Leurmamie you are so right I would be mortified if I thought any of my kids were sacrificing their life for mine I d put myself straight in a care home if they were saying they wouldn't go without me haha

Life is short Gardenman help your daughter fly the nest with your blessing stop being so stubborn and trying to run her life to suit you and your wife that is NOT how good parents should be

Well said BlueBelle.
It is one of life's eternal quandaries whether to stay close to family or to move away.
There is no right or wrong answer.

think about when you were the age of your daughter, and how you would have felt if your parents took the attitude that you have. Do you want your daughter to stay and resent you, or go and love you, and be forever grateful that you were generous enough not to try to influence the lives of her family. They have a lot of life to live. The world is a smaller place these days, travel is not difficult.

Wether you forgive them or not its their lives their choice if they want to emigrate, you should be supporting them! Good on them for making a better life for themselves. Think how lucky we are nowadays with the internet that grandparents can keep in contact via Skype. Be happy for them.
Your lucky you will still have contact with your grandchild theres some of us who sadly have no contact at all with our grandchildren through no fault of our own!

Gardenman99 I know exactly how upset you are and I commiserate but....they are not going to the moon are they? My son went to the other side of the world so that he could step up another rung of the ladder....he is waiting now for the results of his PhD. He is a Snr bioinformatician. The Snr part being the reason he went to Australia, Perth to be exact. He and his new wife had a wonderful time and would have stayed on but they wanted to be close to her Mum in UK because they had just had their first child. They came back and now there are two little boys.

It is very hard I know to be so far away. Skype was the answer for us and it made all the difference over the 6 years they were there. At least you can see how they are and how the child is growing up even if you cannot hug them.

We were lucky, but if yours do not want to come back to UK you could always save up to go and visit (and vice versa). You could also have an adventure then. Saying you will never forgive them is not fair. They have their own lives to lead and I say give them a hug, wish them well and keep in touch. Be the best grandparents they could wish for and they will love you forever.

BIG HUGS COMING YOUR WAY Grandman99!

I understand your feelings! When my ds1 married in 2012 ,he told me he and his wife were off to Melbourne, and taking my only dgs with him Who was then only 4 yrs old She has a brother who had emigrated there years before.I was devastated! As his wife is very hostile to my hubby and i , and is the type who only wants her own family abt her.However despite what i felt i saved and gave them money towards the visa and helped them in every way i can..U even tried to distance myself from my beloved gs as im ill and cant travell all thst wsy to visit.My son went and at first we scaped and all that.But he gradually lost interast and we never saw them again or there 2 new ds that came after.To news if them i went on to face book.I did all i coukd to be a grt mum and nana.But afer he left uni.He wanted better things Were poor and ive been sick cro nically for over 23 yrs.What im saying is you do your best but you can never own your children.Boys in particukar are prone to evolve into their wifes family, and never look back.Ive two sons no daughters.Yourll fare better because your lucky enough to have s daughter.

There should be a place online where all parents whose children have emigrated, or are thinking about going, can go to vent their feelings. All the unacceptable things we think and feel but can't say - the anger, pain and grief that we have to bottle up, because we know we have to put on a brave face and let our children go.

We all know that we have to let our kids fly free and live their own lives. If they've created a good life in another country, we're happy for them. However, that doesn't stop us grieving for what might have been, if they hadn't gone. If only there was somewhere we could let out the sorrow - and, yes, the hurt and disappointment - without being admonished. If I didn't have the computer skills of a chimpanzee, I'd set one up myself.

When we emigrated to New Zealand in 1976, taking our 3 children away from their two widowed grandmothers and from their other relatives too, we did not think enough about the effects on them. In retrospect we both wish that they had expressed more of their feelings. I think if one of them had sat us down and really pointed out what the loss of extended family would mean, not just to them but to our children, it might have made a difference. I dont mean that we would have responded to the "We will never forgive you" threat, but a realistic talk would have helped.
Our children grew up without any relatives other than their parents and this I do regret. I also feel sad and sorry that we left the elderly grandmothers without much thought about how it would be for them. It was hard for us too with no family to help us out.
I dont agree with saying nothing and I wish we could have had that conversation. I
don't want to imply that we have not been happy in NZ. The children have grown up and they love it here.
Just want to give a different perspective and say that the stiff upper lip may not be the best way. We both wish we had had that discussion with our parents.

What I find is overlooked by a lot of the posters is the the hurt and psycological effect on the grandchildren of taking them away from their grandchildren. Our granddaughter is already saying she will not go and wants to stay with us. The heartache goes on.

no-one, but no-one here has not shown total sympathy with you and the children- no-one. We would all be devastated.

What we have said is that telling them that you will not forgive them, is just unforgivable. And ... if you actually 'encourage' your grand-daughter's feelings and tears- instead of making the whole thing positive, and encouraging her to see the whole experience as a wonderful opportunity- IF ... then you've totally lost me. I am saying so, because I've witnessed this with my own eyes divide and rule in the most objectionable and unfair way. IF ...

I agree gardenman99. People have been quick to jump in with ideal world perfect parent responses rather than really think all round the subject. eebeew's post was wistful. Best wishes with it all.

As the grandparents your job is to make it easy for your granddaughter by being very positive and sending her with your blessings. Of course it is hard, but you can acknowledge this without making them feel guilty. The one thing we need to do with children is give them roots and give them wings. You don't want to clip those wings. They will come back, you can visit and the Internet keeps you close.

One thing we really cherish now is that the grandchildren Skype / Facetime us independently. They call to tell us things that have happened in their lives, get help with homework, ask about bits of family history etc. We are all in different countries and whilst it is very hard to be physically apart when they are tiny, it is so much easier when they get older.
We have never lived close by as a family, my OH's grandparents and parents lived and worked abroad, we lived hundreds of miles from our parents, our DS went abroad after university and never came back to the UK, our DD moved across the country for work, then we retired abroad.
It is a different way of doing things, but it doesn't mean that the ties of love and family affection are in any way diminished. You just have to do what it takes to make it work.

I m not surprised your daughter is now worried about going after your reaction she must feel torn in shreds and we only heard one sentence from you and everyone found it shocking I bet she's heard a good bit more poor woman
As for psychological trauma to the grandkids that is nonsense they will have a brilliant new life, new town, new house, new school, friends, it is fearfully exciting if you let it be but if you are weeping and saying grandma and grandad can't manage without you that will really mess their heads up and they will cling and be unhappy and will have the psychological problems you have already imagined they will have
This gets worse every time you post as you are still clinging to the idea you have to change her mind what if her marriage breaks up because of this ... will you feel guilty?

Your response to your GD MUST be that you will miss her but are very excited for her new life and are looking forward to talking on skype/ going over there for her to show you her new home etc.

DO NOT use her to manipulate your daughter and her husband. That really would be unforgivable.

Your sadness is fully understandable and has my sympathy - the way that you are approaching this with only your own needs in mind gets no sympathy whatsoever.

I truly and sincerely hope this is not the case:

'but if you are weeping and saying grandma and grandad can't manage without you that will really mess their heads up and they will cling and be unhappy and will have the psychological problems you have already imagined they will have '

as that would be truly unforgivable.

Posts crossed Luckyg.

My son lives in Canada and has done for 14 years now. He married a lovely Canadian girl and stayed out there. I cried lots of tears when I left him there after their wedding. But there was no way I would ever have stopped him doing what he wanted to. He is an adult, as are your daughter and son in law. It is his life to do with what he wants, not for me to tell him what to do.
How would you feel if your daughter told you what to do? I am sure that you wouldn't like it.
Canada is a beautiful place, and a fantastic life for children. My son would never live back in the UK, he has a wonderful life in Canada and I am immensely proud of the adult that he has become. Keeping in touch nowadays is so much easier than when he first moved to Canada, and we visit each other as often as we can.

Tell your grand daughter that you will miss her, but that she will have a great life in Canada. You can speak regularly to your grandchildren on Skype. Tell you daughter and son in law the same thing.

I feel that I have done a good of bringing my children up to be the independent adults that they are. My sons' don't live close by, and I don't see my grandchildren very often, but I am very close to them and adore them as they do me. Distance doesn't stop that. But your attitude to their choice may make it harder for you.

Gardenman99 I do not think posters under estimate the effect change has on any member of the family, many are already living with the reality of being in different countries to their sons, daughters and grandchildren. But children do adapt, they may worry or not want to leave their friends, but they will make new friends and keep in touch with existing friend through social media. Hard though it is to accept , families have always left for a better life and those of us left behind have a choice, accept and make the best of it or risk a fractured family. Read some posts on here about families where there is discord, and the heartbreak it causes. Canada is a wonderful place to visit, and offers great opportunities, so I hope you can work things out and not stand in the way of your daughter and family but let them make their own choices without threats from you.

Gardenman99 get a grip, nobody has died. Your family are just looking to make a better life for themselves which is surely what you want. I'm sorry to be blunt but you really are making this difficult. Don't manipulate the grandchildren, they will have a great life in Canada, as my family did in America. Of course many of us have been where you are now but please don't make them all feel guilty about this.

I think you are very rude and insulting to suggest I am "heavy handed" How dare you, I was never smacked by my parents and I have never laid a finger on any of our children and would never do so. Just because your father did do not assume others are to the same brush. Disgusting.
Well, if that OTT response to MargaretX is typical of your responses to life in general, then I am not surprised at your OP and your reaction to your DD's announcement gardenman.

Sorry, but I would have thought that everyone would know the term 'heavy-handed' did not mean anything physical, rather it means over-reacting to someone's behaviour in a clumsy, insensitive, or overly forceful manner.

I am beginning to wonder about this OP though .....
Are you a new poster btw?

mmm - reading the posts again is making me wonder too.

Gardenman99 has posted once before, in May this year, on a 'Bikini Wax' thread telling us that his wife uses Veet. He doesn't seem to have posted since then...

And his main or maybe only supporter called Caretaker wasn't he/she the one that started a thread about 'swingers' or something similar ummm