Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

Oddoneout- everyone here totally gets the sadness about the family moving away. This we all absolutely understand and sympathise with.

What most of us refuse to support, is threatening them with 'never forgiving them'.

I went to live in London (from SWitzerland) when just aged 19- for 6 months. But stayed nearly 40 years. In those days, London seemed so far away, no internet, couldn't afford to phone or fly home regularly (I did the journey from Staffs and Leics with 2 small children, pre Eurostar- and it was a horrendous journey).

My parents NEVER EVER made me feel bad about it, never complained or blamed- even when they got too old too come and visit. They always said that to know I was happy with a wonderful man was so much more important and made them happy.
I massively respected them for that and made even more effort to visit them and to have them stay (they came for 2 weeks every Christmas as we could never have more than a few days off during festvities). Many of my (foreign) friends in the UK had parents who made them feel terrible all the time with the massive guilt trip.

Our daughter went to New Zealand almost 4 years ago. She has made her life there & has met a lovely kiwi & they have been together for most of the time she has been there. We miss her dearly but skype every week. We have been out twice & have had wonderful holidays in NZ. It is a pity it is so far away as travel is mind numbing!
We would be delighted if we only had to travel to Canada!!!
Wish them every happiness & let them go, look forward to the wonderful adventures ahead of you all. x

I hope that was a knee jerk comment you made to your daughter as you were shocked. I'm one of those grans who's daughter and family decided to emigrate to Australia 6 years ago. It was heartbreaking and like many others I cried many tears and broke my heart ( but did it all behind closed doors). I've been out to visit three times for a month at a time and spent last Christmas there.There life and home, with a swimming pool is way beyond what they could achieve here. I see how happy they are,so I'm happy for them.Im happily saving/ planning my next visit.

Perhaps your general attitude was one reason why they are going. However it will give you a wonderful reason to have some glorious holidays.

You should read my earlier thread about my DD, SIL and DGS possibly going to Canada because of Brexit. My SIL is Canadian and has his family in Canada.

I was never negative to them about them going, even though it broke my heart at the thought of my only GS going abroad.

To date, we are in the process moving back to London where they live in the hope that our closer presence will persuade them not to up sticks. However, if they go we will have to give them our blessing, even though we will be very sad.

I think your response should be not that you will never forgive her/them, it should be that you are very sad to see them go but you understand their motives and wish them all the best in their new life. Who knows, they may find that it's not so great to live so far from their family and they might come back. In the meantime, you can visit for long periods (even if you have to rent a place nearby) and skype.

I understand how hurt you must be feeling, but young people look forward and don't have the nostalgia for the closeness of their parents. They're too busy bringing up their own families and working.

All my children and grandchildren live abroad. It isn't easy but we Skype, whatsapp etc and visit when we can or they come here. They have to live their lives as best they can, not for you.

My sister said something similar to her only daughter when she was moving abroad.she moved abroad and returned a year later but it is now more than 4 years since they have had any contact.Both of them are stubborn.
After the brexit vote I actually said to my only daughter I could understand if she wanted to move abroad.she lives locally and has her own little family and we see them most days.We are very close too and love them all so much.If she wanted to go we would be devastated but would support her decision.
I had a friend whose daughter lived abroad.we sat and worked out that her daughter visited for 3 weeks at a time and she saw more of her daughter than I did mine.
I would think hard about your reasons for not wanting her to go.And be honest with yourself

Gardenman I was you daughter 50 years ago when my husband and I decided to take our two little girls and move to Australia. My lovely mother was heartbroken but she never let on at the time. She acted enthusiastic about our new life but was crying inside. Bearing in mind this was 1966 and there were no such things as skype or internet. To be able to speak to each other on Christmas day the call had to be booked two months before and wasnt cheap. Mum was able to visit just as I had son number 2. But we realised that we could make as good a life in England so returned after 3 years. My mum and I each wrote two airletters a week so over 300 in that time. How much easier life is now. What I am trying to say is apologise to your daughter and wish them the best. Canada is not the other side of the world and with the internet etc they will not be cut off from you. I am assuming that your grandchildren are young at the moment because as they grow up they will gradually distance themselves and want to live their own life.

So apologise and starting planning that holiday in Canada which I am doing at the moment although I dont know anyone out there.

DD and her husband wanted to emigrate to Australia when GS1 was only a toddler. They went into it quite seriously and I was quite appalled, especially at the thought of losing GS1. I made sure that I never said anything against the idea and did my best to sound enthusiastic. In the end, for one reason or another, it all fell through thank goodness. But if they had gone we would have had to make it work somehow.

Gardenman99
Take a deep breath and consider that there are 6 pages of comments mostly all in support of your daughter's family emigrating and hoping you can find the strength to accept it and not be afraid of loss of love or loyalty.

Six pages of posts cannot all be wrong. Adjusting attitudes late in life is hard. We have had to do it many times whilst living right here with our grown offspring going through all kinds of issues, but which come right in the end.

Set your daughter and family free and put on a brave face. And consider this, they may decide that emigrating may not be the only option. Perhaps they are having a gut reaction as well and could re-assess things as the Brexit process (it's a process not an event) rolls on.

Open minds on all sides will make a much happier family situation. Our children and grandchildren are not our property. They are a family with their own hopes and dreams. Just like you would had in your younger years. Your children are not a reward or a prize to be owned, they are people who need love and support.

Get that passport... and do some interim travelling to get the hang of it if you have been stay-at-home retirees. There are lots of opportunities to widen your horizons... starting right now!

Unless I've missed it nobody has spoken for the children. I spent my childhood and teens travelling and I missed ny grandmother so much. Every time we left the UK the sense of loss and sadness was maximised again although it never completely left me. We shouldn't forget that the children are part of this equation, it's not simply grandparents missing the grandchildren but can be the other way around. I am not unique - some children find it very hard to adjust. It's not all the promised land for everyone.

My DM says things like that when I talk about moving to the next village despite the fact that as a child she lived abroad whilst I was at boarding school! She would definitely have the same reaction as you if I told her I was moving to Canada. Do I feel closer to her or get a warm fuzzy feeling when she says such things? Absolutely not! It just makes me think how blooming selfish she is.
Whilst I don't necessarily understand your DD's reaction to Brexit, I do think she has the right to live her own life, plan for her own family's happiness, etc., just like you had the chance to do when you were younger.
There is always the chance she won't be able to move to Canada as they have quite stiff immigration controls and even if she does, the cold may be more than she can stand when she gets there.

Lovely post Lewlew.

Great post LewLew . It is to be hoped that you have now had time to reflect that you apologise for the appalling emotional blackmail and let them go with your blessings.

Of course I would feel similar, but as a parent you keep those feelings firmly to yourself.

I agree with others who advise you to say how shocked you were (did you have no idea at all if you're that close?) and, of course, although you will miss them all they go with your blessing and you can't wait to visit them.
A few years ago our DD1 said she and her DH and 4 DGC who lived nearby were thinking of emigrating to Canada-that was a shock! DD2 was single then and just about to finish Uni so said she would go with them too!
So. . . . We checked it out and we could go too so we could have ended up all going! But, as it turned out, they didn't go but we made it clear they had our blessing (although in private we were heartbroken).
Do whatever it takes to keep close IMHO

Gardenman99, Whatever your pain at her decision it IS her decision. You will just have to try hard to be positive and organise your 4 weeks a year family holiday near her!
You are very fortunate that you are still in good health and have the physical stamina, time, and financial resources to visit.
Tell her you're sorry, that it was a shock, and don't let her love for her own family come between you.
My son is in the USA and though no children as yet, my daughter, her husband and 3 children are about to move abroad now too (early Jan)...
Lots of us here have had to deal with these issues. Put a smile on, and enjoy her and her little family before they leave!

My mum left all her family in S Africa to marry my UK dad in 1949 . My grandparents were probably devastated but never said a word to my mum .No internet or planes in those days only a two week trip by sea. Her parents weren't even at her wedding as her father couldn't leave his GP practice . My mum always sent to my grandparents little black and white snaps of us all enclosed in the monthly letters to them . I only saw my maternal grandparents once before they sadly died when I was 5 . Nowadays everyone is so much more able to keep in touch and visit easily. Yes I would be devasted if my DD or DS and families went abroad ,but they would never know and I would see them off with a happy face but crying inside as I'm sure my grandparents did in 1949.

It's very sad that your grandchildren will be so far away. It will be hard for you to adjust. My own grandchildren live in America but have always done so, so it's something I'm used to.

It's also sad that you've reacted this way. You should apologise and quickly.

We can't live our lives for other people, which is what you want your daughter & family to do. After all, though it's not a nice thing to dwell on, in the natural order of things you will (hopefully) die before any of them. Then what? You leave behind a family who had the opportunity to change their lives, hopefully for the better, but your selfishness stopped them. Do you want their memory of you to be tainted because you held them back?

Let them live their life. Save up and visit Canada - what a fabulous holiday destination! Look forward to weekly chats online.

Although, of course, you will miss them with all your heart, in time you will adjust and be glad you gave your blessing.

Thanks to those who supported me when i said heavy handed. i couldn't believe that they thought it meant physically abusive.
Actually threatening your children that you will never forgive them is typical heavy handed behaviour.

Well I've looked in the dictionary and heavy handed means harsh.

SusieB50- DH's parents left all their family back in South Africa in 1948 - pushed away be the dreaded effects of wicked apartheid. The family was never re-united and a big rift grew. We are now in contact with the next generation in CT- and will be going there to meet them all in November. Time to mend the past.

I can't believe I am reading this. Yes it is hard to deal with. I have 4 youngsters. 2 of them live abroad. You know what, see it has an opportunity to travel. It's not that expensive. The world is a very small place today. We have Skype, email, Face-time and so on as well as flight.

It costs my husband and I £20-00 a week which we put away to go out and see our daughter and son in law every other year. They live in Canada. My other son is in New Zealand. Same cost for him. Shop around. Economy tickets are so cheap now.

We bring our children into the world and help them fly. They have the freedoms and choices we didn't have. They will only resent you if they stay and you will have damaged your relationship with them even if you don't see it.

Our children are through us, not of us. Also is there any reason why you couldn't go too?How would you of felt if your parents had said that to you.

Even if it doesn't work for them they have to find that out themselves. If they dont go because they feel obliged to stay they will always live on what if.

My personal thoughts are to apologise to your daughter for what you said. Just say it was a shock and whilst you will be hurt and sad if they go you understand it is there life. More chance they may change there minds if you say that. Blackmailing a person means they are more likely to try and do it and be damned. This way you wont have damaged your relationship, whether they go or not.

You see your family everyday means to me you live through them from what your saying. That isn't healthy for you either. We can not rely on others to make us happy

gardenman,I understand your reaction as I felt the same when our daughter and son-in-law announced their intention to move to Canada (they have not gone yet), especially as we live in the same town and see our 2 grandchildren several times a week. But DD says she doesn't really want to go unless we come too! At first I thought it was because she and the children would miss us but the real reason is that she is concerned about us getting elderly and having no-one nearby to look after us. Very sweet, but I've said we have no wish to up sticks at our age but she must go, especially as her hubby is sure of a good job over there. And of course there will be visits. As many are saying, it is THEIR life, their choices. Sometimes other people's choices make us very sad indeed.

My eldest grandson will most likely be moving to Japan in a year's time when he has finished his degree. He has spent the past year at University in Tokyo and loves the place, also a lovely Japanese girl. My DD and SIL went out to visit him in August and met his lady friend, who is coming over here at Christmas. Although my DD and SIL will miss him desperately they only want his happiness and he will go with their blessing. They have every reason to be proud that they have given him the wings to fly.