Ask a DIL...

I'm desperate to know what inappropriate words MIL's teach their GC!!

For some it would be "good enough to provide free childcare and a bank with no interest but not good enough to bother with for anything else!!"

Absolutely.
Everyone's situation is different.

Some people are just rubbish and nothing is good enough.

My advice is to stop trying so hard. The GC will soon know who is genuine and who is not. A bit strange that MIL would dress child in other clothes and take photographs. Is she trying to replace her younger son perhaps? It is a wrench when they go off to Uni. I am just about to experience that again (done it 3 times already with my own) with oldest GC. I hope he will keep in touch as we have always been close since he was born. Just do what you can. Don't pass judgement. Be friendly. That is all you can do. At least SIL is getting love from you anyway.

It is strange isn't it Yorkshire.And yes DD does think MIL is trying to replicate her younger son in some way.She only found out recently she was collecting DGC and instead of bringing her home in her coat was using a knitted cape thing that was her sons when he was a baby.And bringing his old hooded bath towel to use rather than the perfectly clean one left out with sleeps it etc.I only mention DDs experience to illustrate that DILs also have to bite their tongue sometimes. And having to accommodate some frankly controlling behaviour irks more when MIL is so patently interested in the baby only.

With sleepsuit I meant !

Very odd, and also worrying. What does SIL think of it all? His Mother seems to be showing signs of being ill to me. We all suffer, well most of us do, when our children leave home to strike out on their own, but this is a bit strange. Your daughter's child is not a substitute for MIL's younger son and if it was my child I would think twice about leaving it with this woman. It reminds you of those people who steal babies because they cannot conceive. Does she need help?

Yorkshire.I does concern my daughter and she's never really relaxed about DGC going to MILs.She has told me DGC is never staying the night.
SIL is a lovely lad, but not a great communicator.They have had heated discussions about it when our DD has got upset.He says he can see her point,but that's his mum .She's a bit odd.His words.He has apparently opened up about how it annoys him that his half brother has been so mollycuddled. His own dad walked out when he and his sister were very little,and he will get defensive about his mum saying she had a tough time then.But for 20 years she's been remarried and everything has revolved round her new husband and their son.So SIL and his sister have had a really tough time I feel.All very complex!
He's absolutely thrilled to be a dad,and wants to be a good one.DD tries to temper her annoyance with his mum for his sake,but is quite a strong person and any more worrying behaviour she would speak up.
Luckily we live very near,and have another DD who is a very hands on aunty who can help out as they both work shifts and need a fair bit of help.

OMG! Gummybear I hope your mother served time in prison for what she did to you! Do you still see her & are you recovered, did you spend your childhood with your mother or were you rescued?

So sorry Gummybear, I don't know how I managed to miss your post initially, that's truly terrible.I hope life has treated you kindly since.My DDs partner is very reticent about his past but from the bits he's said - whacked with a belt by stepdad,and as a teenager had to sleep on a camp bed in the garage for several weeks after a disagreement I'm not surprised our DD carefully monitors how much contact and where with her little one.And it's the marked contrast with how MIL and stepdad has treated the other son that basically means she doesn't trust them.

Yogagirl, absolutely nothing has ever happened to her, not even actual medical help, she is mad as a box of frogs to this day and my father and I try our best to care for her as no one else can stand her and she rarely leaves the house alone.

I had to explain the injuries she left me with during my first pregnancy to the midwives as they of course noticed them. I have very rarely felt such terrible shame.

I feel I can't leave my dad to struggle with her alone given how violent she can be, but she is a very difficult presence in my life. Most days she phones me to shout abuse at me amd I have to try and determine if there is a genuine request for help amidst the insults.

I used to think if I only could be a "good enough" daughter her abuse would cease, but therapists have set me right on that notion over my young adulthood and I now accept I was not to blame for how she treated me.

Washerwoman, these are my feelings exactly. Its one thing to see a relative for an hour and eat cake with everyone watching, but some people it is not possible to trust.

I of course know the overwhelming majority of grandparents are decent caring people. My dad is a lovely man and although MIL hates me, I know she loves my children and would never harm them.

Having finally been blessed after many empty years with a family of my own, I struggle to understand the impulses mum felt to harm me and I suppose my attitude has hardened towards her as a result.

My heart goes out to you Gummybear, your mother should have been in a mental home, far away from being able to hurt her little girl. I know in Africa they still practice this terrible mutilation on young girls, is this where your mother's from? How on earth did you survive your childhood?

No yoga, family heritage since the dawn of time is all from about a fifty mile radius of here, no African or other influences. FGM wasn't a well known issue when I was young, she just flipped out one day and went after me. I'm afraid its not the only lingering injury she has left me with.

Oh dear Gummybear I'm so sorry for your awful childhood. I have to ask; why did your dad not protect you & did you have to go to hospital or doctors with these injuries? I thought of you last night, I don't know how a mother could do such awful things to her little girl! You would have been better off being adopted by a loving family that couldn't have their own. Do you have siblings and if so, were they safe from your mother?

It's lovely that you now have a lovely family of your own and I hope you have managed to put this nightmare behind you, somehow. God Bless

I have a younger sibling. I volunteered for his beatings. I tried my best to protect him. I didn't know what else to do. I tried to tell once and they tried to put me into care but social work was different then and they didn't take me. Extended family (grandparents etc) knew but did nothing.

In adulthood I worked in child protection to try to help other kids like me. I hope I helped.

Father "had to go to work". Usually as far away from us as he could manage. It is hard not to resent that, but whats done is done.

Sometimes I went to hospital with "accidents", mostly I didn't. I was kept off school with the most suspicious ones - bruising round the throat etc. I have a bad hip, a bad knee, a back injury, a trick elbow, a bad wrist and a couple of broken ribs that have healed squinty. There are some scars from burns, cigarette burns etc.

I thank God each day for my own little ones and try my hardest to be the best mum I can to them.

I'm sorry for driving the thread off topic

OMG! Gummybear what an awful childhood you had [I know I've already said that] Nowadays I think you would have been taken into care, but who knows how that would have panned out! GB you have clearly turned into a very lovely adult, I'm sure you're a lovely mum and I'm sure you did make a big difference to the children you helped in your child protection work.

GB It's no surprise you slip back to your childhood on these threads, the terrible things you suffered would stay with you, and good therapy to unload a bit on here, so don't apologise, we are all here for you, to help a little if we can. xx