Firstly I apologize if anyone thinks i'm projecting! I for sure have a strained relationship with my MIL but know from her perspective she thinks I am overbearing, controlling etc.
I know this isn't the situation for everyone - I just meant it to be for those where "the shoe fits" kind of thing. AKA if you have issues with your DIL and are not sure where she might be coming from, or maybe contact has decreased and you don't know why, then I thought I could offer some recent perspective as to why.
If it makes any difference for anyone who assumed i'm a teenager i'm almost 26 so not a teen.
I wholeheartedly agree to not expect childcare or free babysitting or anything of the sort. There's no harm in asking in my book but asking without expectation is the way forward. You are not obliged to give up your time for your AC to go out, you can do so if you wish or you can decline. I do think a lot of AC and partners do expect that granny will always be there to babysit because she should "want" to spend time with GCs. Of course they do, but it also needs to be a mutually convenient time. To me its off putting when something is expected and I personally feel for grandparents who are expected religiously to look after GCs without any consideration into what the GP wants!
I'm probably going to cause waves here but i'm strongly for "the parents rules go" for the child. If a grandparent goes against parents rules because they think their way is better then they're probably going to cause a lot of trouble. The same goes for mothers of daughters. I wouldn't leave my child anywhere where I know my rules aren't going to be followed.
Also in my experience I've had to "make" rules which really should be common sense because otherwise my MIL would just do what she wanted without a consideration for my child. Such things as not giving unsuitable tastes to a very young baby, not trying to teach baby unsuitable words etc. No one else had "rules" because everyone else had enough courtesy to not presume it was okay to do those things. I know from that point MIL felt very much like I was being controlling and our relationship broke down terribly aftr that.
I think both sides are guilty of expectations, but to me its natural for a DIL to have expectations regarding her motherhood, surely? They expect to bathe, feed, hold, carry, rock and dress their little ones. They expect to bond with their ones and be the ones to make the choices in the best interests of the child. Grandparents may over assume that visits will increase after baby is born, they may take baby for overnight stays, that they will be doing nappy duty or feeding duty or whatever. Some people simply aren't comfortable with this. I expect that when I make a decision for my baby it will be respected and upheld. Some grandparents expect its their house their "rules" or that, as an elder, they get to have final say. And this is where it becomes a power struggle and why relationships break down.