Ask a DIL...

Experigran, she's obviously I'll and dealing with the name probably won't help but is there a "pet" name she would like to use? My MIL was given a family name but everyone knew her as "Bird" from her early years until the day she died. It was actually quite weird to hear her real name at her funeral.
Also would they think of contacting Mind. A friend who had severe mental problems after the birth of her second child found them very supportive.

Certainly not jumping into this one! But did want to say that we are definitely not the first generation to have to cope with lots of caring.

Different families have had different experiences, but in my family mothers worked as and when they could: childcare was done by grannies, sisters, older children, neighbours. This was a working class area, rural, with a lot of (poorly paid) employment for men and women, but was also (decent food, good air) an area with some longevity. For instance, my grandmother was not exceptional, but a typical example: she cared for her own children whilst cooking & cleaning for her grandmother, then cared for me 3 afternoons a week whilst nursing her mother, all whilst running a small shop.

Of course, different experiences lead to different expectations, and the only thing to do is to talk about it.

Wish my late MIL had been remotely interested in my children! She said said she would babysit once, only to let me down at the last minute. Never had any of them overnight, let alone for a few hours through the day. She wouldn't even answer the door if I called at the house without making prior arrangements. Such a shame as I think in her later years that she felt very lonely as she didn't get many visitors and complained that her grandchildren rarely visited

I forgot to add that I and my late husband and then just me did childcare for a number of years. This weekend I am having my 11 year old granddaughter for the weekend because she doesn't want to go on a sports weekend with her Mum, Dad and brother . I was asked if I minded having here . Mind?? My granddaughter calls it " A girlie weekend with Grandma" . I love that .

Thank you, DIL123, for attempting to explain where things can go wrong in a relationship with one's DIL. Looking at some of the responses on here, you can see why there is a disconnect between the generations!
I had a very close relationship with my DIL before she had my DGS which deteriorated quite a lot after he was born. Looking back, I can see I made some mistakes which were meant kindly but probably made her feel I was being pushy. I can't take them back but hope I've learned from them. Equally, she was very unforgiving at times and I had to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't make things worse.
Now I look after my DGS twice a week and I try hard to follow her rules to the letter because he is her child, not mine. It doesn't mean that I always agree with her but I refrain from commenting and I keep my lip firmly buttoned when my son rings up asking if I have "done" anything because DGS has an upset tummy. I do sometimes want to say I have brought up 3 children and they all survived me but don't think that would help somehow. This child is the most precious thing in her life and I'd be more worried if she didn't care.

DIL123 I know exactly where you are coming from as I had a difficult relationship with my MIL. My husband also did so not just down to me.
I am now a MIL and try very hard to not step on my DIL's toes but it is very hard sometimes to know where to draw the line.
Recently when they were staying I could hear from the other room that their 20 month old would not eat anything. I knew her mouth was sore and eventually i suggested she might like porridge and should I try it. Yes my DIL and DS said so I made it and cut a banana up in it which she ate. Afterwards my DIL thanked me but I still felt that maybe I should not have done it. Where do you draw the line? I have also bought clothes which they seem to like and she does wear but I try not to do that every time I see her.
They live some distance away so always have to stay. They also divide their time between us, her mother and her father as they are separated so we do not see a lot of them. Also I have to add we are in our 70's so not so young and I have elderly parents who rely on me so if my DIL needs a babysitter she asks her mother as she is more available. I also realise she will trust her mother more than me but sometimes it is hard.

Days after my husband finished radiotherapy last July we were unable to attend a BBQ. My dil had said some terrible things to my other son regarding the BBQ as well and things have been terrible since then. I have seen my grandchildren half a dozen times since then. They are renewing their vows in October and I am dreading that we will be ignored.

Gosh DIL, your offer was well intended but doesn't this show just how different all our families are? I am so very lucky that my DIL and I get on. I really hope you are able to find a happy middle ground with your MIL. maybe all our stories of happy relationships might help you believe it's possible? Bad MIL/DIL relationships are not compulsory!!

Most of us have been a daughter,a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a daughter in law , a now grandmother and all ( men on here change the gender ? ) Surely an extra added to the mix is a joy for all not a means to be battle ready. Sadly my daughter/grandsons live far away so a visit is only a few times a year but I'm really pleased that her husband's family are close by to help . It is great that children have lots of people around them. I could be wrong but I think I once heard an African saying 'It takes a village to raise a child '

I think the best way is to wait until asked. I believe this lady is trying to help not dictate. What dil's in general do not seem to get is that we brought up their husbands and we didn't do a bad job did we?

Too many dils will look on the internet or turn to friends rather than to the MIL who after all had to cope with all the illnesses their GCs are protected against. Whooping cough; measles; croup; scarlet fever; scarletina; mumps to name but a few. We have experience, do not just kid yourselves that we are 'old fashioned'. One day you will have nowhere to turn and if you have alienated MIL what will you do? Best to try and get on I say.

Do not forget that we love your children too! We would NOT hurt them and we certainly would do our best to protect them.

Just responding as I read through... Yes, we mils have been dils, but some issues and attitudes seem to be different today. We probably weren't as worried about secondhand or "thirdhand" cigarette smoke, for example, as they are today. And we were more likely to overlook some things in the name of "family" than some of the dils I hear about.

DIL123 - After reading through the comments here, I've concluded that your kind intentions have been badly misconstrued. Wow. Obviously, the sniffy comments you're receiving come from those with a dodgy MIL/DIL relationship, and with them your POV hits a little too close to home. Concurrently, I'm both a MIL and a DIL, and whilst I can view the experience from both sides, I do know from experience that MILs go over the top. I took a lot of stick from my MIL because not only did I breastfeed my infant - good heavens, get out the smelling salts! - but I was adamant against putting a 'nip of whisky' in a bottle so he would 'sleep better at night'. Get real! For the record, my mother was just as bad, right from the start. She was certain I would die in childbirth because I was attended by highly qualified midwives instead of a male doctor, because 'men know better'.

MILs, please don't take it personally if your son and DIL are ambivalent toward your suggestions. Your way of doing things may not jibe with theirs. So what. They have to do whatever current medical practices dictate - no whisky! - and they are not as incapable of parenting as you think they are. I wouldn't dream of telling my DIL how to raise their child.

Oh I hadn't realised there had been an election and one DIL had been nominated to speak for all. Each family has its own culture and MIL and all other relations are entited to their opinions, which if DIL doesn't like she can have friendly chat about.

DIL needs to bear in mind that MIL made the chap she fell in love with and his family counts as much as any new fangled 'first outfit' nonsense.

Too many young women competeting with each other and placing undue stress upon themselves and everybody else in the process.

First outfits ?? really we all knitted stuff for each other and passed things on or saved up and were very grateful for what we had. The real bonds are forged when your child is ill and MIL (or other relative) steps up and takes a turn at the bedside or helps when they all have nits and you are fed up to the back teeth with de lousing....ir loans you a few quid when the bill comes in higher than expected, carpets the new house for you, sends a food parcel etc.

Get real and get back to Mumsnet............we have all been DIL and don't need your hipster wisdom thanks very much.

I think DiL was genuinely trying to show things from her perspective to help where relationships have broken down. Some af thecresponses have been a bit harsh- no wonder she retreated! Personally I get on well ith both my DiLs but DO ask always what they prefer and abide by any 'rules'. One prefers us not to buy gifts except at christmas and birthdays which i find hard, but abide by it. They are not allowed sweets or chocolate which is good but its difficult at easter as i have to buy non edible presents (as i give easter eggs to other grandchildren. ) my son supports his wife as he should and I cant see any point in antagonising the parents so tread carefully. But i think we have a good relationship.
I think grannys house grannies rules ar fine i it means sitting at the table etc but not giving forbidden food andketting them stay up late etc. I prefer to have lists of food, bedtime routines etc so i can do things as they like. I dont always agree but keep my mouth closed!
I have a friend whose DiL has gone NC and she is bewldered - dosnt know what shes done wrong. She loves the children dearly and was in tears at christmas. I think it's cruel, for whatever reason (except in cases of chil abuse etc obviously)

We do not live far away from our Dil and our son. They have a son who we were happy to look after while Mum went out to work. We have a very close relationship with our GS. This morning for example he rang up to ask if GD would go and get him from school because he had forgotten books for his lesson. GD jumped in to the car and helped to get the books and return him to school....no problem! What would he have done if we were not there for him to turn to? We love all our GCs and we have 5. The latest one and his little baby brother have just come down with chicken pox. DIL was straight on the 'phone to ask what to do. They live 2 hours away in the country. We are there for all of them. We do not turn up unannounced, something I hate myself. I like to have prior warning. When we go on a visit, as we did this weekend, we take a contribution to the food. Why don't some DILs want a relationship like that? I do not understand it. We didn't have the internet but we managed very well and we are a mine of information should they want to use it. Our other 2 GC live 3 hours away so we do not see a lot of them, but when we do we make sure we make a fuss of them so they know we love them just as much. We also keep in touch via text and emails. Sometimes skype. Do not be in such a rush to throw away all the love that is on offer. We will not be here for ever after all.

Dil123, I think it was very kind of you to do this. I know you were just trying to help those gps who have these questions, not suggesting that everyone does. Hope you stick around!

Cripes now there another one (or is it?) assuming she knows it all and that 'the sniffy comments you're receiving come from those with a dodgy MiL/DiL.relationship'

WRONG!

We're actually pissed off by her sweeping generalisations, assumptions and general air of know-it-all-over-simplification. And not stupid either....DiL/Cali

I think that the OP-DIL needs to know that there is a huge variety of grandparent relationships that are discussed here just as on Mumsnet there would be. We have grans here to have almost no access to their DGCs because of distance or the parents have parted.

No one size fits all, so rather than presenting your case as though it's mainstream behaviour in a manufactured situation, state your own particular issues with your MIL and hopefully someone here will recognise it and reply with their own experiences with respect to your own issues.

Many young parents do not have the money for some baby startup essentials and are pleased to get them or gift vouchers for them. You personally have a problem with 'firsts'... that's your problem, not a MIL's unless you make it one. Just ask for vouchers if you don't want your baby wearing anything MIL chooses FFS.

I have known my DIL for ten years... we are very close. However, I have not had my own children, so in early days she was the teacher and I was glad of it! Once DGD was 10mos, I was in more familiar territory and we learned together.

Yes, it's my house my rules when we have her for the day, especially now as the terrible twos have almost arrived. DIL wants us to be more firm actually!

I've been a DIL for 32 years and I'm no closer to my MIL now than I was then!! We are respectful to each other but I know that she's never liked me and neither has my SIL!! I've given up trying now

I, like Gagagran, wonder if DIL123 comes from another country or another culture?

I know that there are some non-UK cultures here where DIL lives with MIL and is expected to live by her rules and customs, but this is certainly not the norm for most of us. We natives of the UK all know that parents are the arbiters of "rules" (as she puts it) for their own children's upbringing! As has been shown by the contributors to this thread we are realists and most of us try not to be too pushy.

I'm lucky to have a DIL who generous with her children, and I know that she appreciates any help I can give her, if asked. We don't live close so I don't do any day to day childcare (unless she is ill) though she knows that I will offer any kind of help, be it childcare, financial or whatever, if she needs it. I do buy clothes for the children but always give her the receipt so that she can change them if she doesn't like them or they are the wrong size, and she takes the trouble to ensure that I see them wearing the clothes.

I'm also realistic enough to know that most DIL's are always going to be closer to their own mothers than their MIL and this is quite understandable - the same was true for me.

I can say, hand on heart, that we have never had a disagreement in the more than fifteen years since we met.

DIL123, thanks for offering your thoughts. I do feel that some of the posts seem a bit offended. I think one of the problems is that new mums feel under pressure to show that they know what they're doing but some new grand-parents try to give their advice without realising they themselves don't know everything! Times change and what was the norm with our children can be very different nowadays. New GP's should try to hold back on the advice and it's nice for them to be around to help...when asked.

Dil. My DIL kept me at a distance from the very beginning. I was working full time so didn't get much time to see them but they made no conssesions. We are on the other hand have never left them out of anything. Have taken the boys out for the day babysat, helped with the deposit on their house and helped with the wedding. Practical help in their house but it's all on their terms. I am sensitive enough to not interfere. They choosing an app. And nursery. I am incredibly hurt. I have many grandchildren. I now don't have a relationship with the family at all. And actually I have given up. They preferring their friends. Just their way. Their children are 3 and 6. Sons. My daughters are all my friends. We communicate all the time and I have lots of friends and a social life. So I can't be that bad!

Experigran was this reluctance to call her son by his given name because she was not consulted on what it should be? My Mother felt cheated because when my Father went to register my birth he put down a completely different name to the one she wanted. She never got over it. I think that was cruel myself but what could I do? Perhaps someone could ask her what she would like to call him? It does seem like she is depressed and little things turn in to BIG problems if you are suffering from it. See if there is a 'nick name' or 'pet name' she would prefer.

If you are doing a family tree you will find that a lot of children raised by our Grandparents had names that were not their 'given name'. My Father had one. His 'given name' was 'Joseph' and yet my Mother and all his friends called him something else. The same thing happened to my Uncle who thought he was called Cecil (which he hated) and then when my Grandmother died he found out from his birth certificate that he was christened 'Christopher'! Why I do not know. He was really put out.

I am quite shocked that some posters have responded to Dil123 that some of her comments were 'rubbish' or unfounded, when clearly she is relaying experiences she knows to be true. She was trying to be helpful and there was no excuse IMO for rudeness.
Relationships with MILs can be a minefield despite good intentions. One of my DD's has a MIL who constantly gives the children sweets and chocolate, including just before meals, even tho DD and her husband have repeatedly asked her to keep them for treats. She is a compulsive shopper and also buys bags full of toys and clothes, ignoring any notion of what the children need or enjoy playing with, so DD and my SIL have problems with knowing what to do with it all. They know she loves the children but she can't seem to show it any way other than through constant inundation with (usually unsuitable) gifts. Various tactics have been tried and failed. Just an example: I'm sure this MIL thinks they are being ungrateful but from their perspective she should show some respect for how they want to bring up their children- which is to not constantly expect 'stuff'. If she were to post on GN no doubt she would present a very different point of view!

Having had a difficult time with my MiL what got me through was to remember that without her there would be no DH.

Do you envisage one day like myself you will be looking after your
mother in law in later life?

As life goes full circle you will probably become a mother in law yourself DIL123