Fourteen year old granddaughter is harder to mind than when she was two

Your daughter should have communicated with you better before they went away about what level of freedom your granddaughter was normally allowed. Then you could have decided to what extent you were to be used as a taxi for her late returns and to what extent she needed to make alternative arrangements for getting home. You could point out to your daughter that on occasions when she wasn't available to ask, you felt sure she would have been even MORE annoyed if you had made a decision that left the young lady exposed to more danger than her own mother would have allowed. It's completely correct to default to the safer, more controlled option, when in doubt.

Did they pay you for the food the kids ate while they were there or fuel for collecting them from school etc? I suspect probably not so they expect you to look after their kids for free then moan when you set boundaries.

In that case, if your DD and SIL don't like how you look after THEIR kids then tell them to make alternative arrangements for when they go off on a jolly or tell them to take THEIR kids with them in future.

I agree with what Anya says on this most definitely. No treading on egg shells they rely on you so they should listen to your concerns.

Willa I'm sure your GD is a lovely 'girl' but the fact that she 'demanded' you call your DD says it all.

I'm sure you were very hurt and shocked when your DD blamed you for GDs unacceptable attitude. To me it wasn't about TRUST but about CARE.

All your DD needed to say was "aw I'm sorry Mum. Teenage girls grrrr Thanks for dealing with her nonsense".

And the incident may well have been forgotten. Please don't feel you did anything wrong .... You didn't.

A good opportunity for a chat with DD, SIL and GD about future arrangements. I imagine it's all too stressful. I can't even cope with a 4 year old .....

Good Luck ?

I was under the impression that the adults make the rules, not the children and teenagers. Granted there has to be give and take in any situation, but it sounds as if your GD was making use of you, demanding chauffering services and generally pushing the boundaries too far. After the first event I would have told her firmly that I needed notice if she was going elsewhere, and I was not prepared to compromise my evenings to fit in with her ever changing plans.She was quite simply pushing her luck on a daily basis and when she didn't get reprimanded - she did it again.

I hate to say it as we have all been compromised rotten at times by the younger generation, but I think your DD and SIL need their legs smacked for not backing you up - what a let down they have have been, and of course you don't have to do this again - I loved the response from Terribull - how apt!

I think it's lovely that you took a week out to look after your GC - next time they want free childcare for their children tell them that your rates as an employee doing as instructed at all times with the word 'no ' removed from your vocabulary plus wear tear on car petrol , chef skills , house keeping and security are £1000 per day each. Bloody cheek.

Willa, you were completely in the right since much harm could have befallen the child had she managed to wander off on her own during the second and third party handovers. Her mother, your daughter, should have recognised this. In any case, if you were providing free child cover so your daughter could enjoy a child free holiday then the child should have been made clear she did what you asked her whilst her mother was gone. Teachers in schools suffer much these days when parents back the child, not the school and discipline thereby breaks down. This story illustrates much that is wrong in the modern era of snowflake indulgent parenting. The correct way is as follows:-
- the child obeys its carer whoever that is
- the parent holidays with his or her child
-if another adult carer becomes necessary for a real emergency, the parent supports the discipline of the back up
- adult children respect their parents' rules in their parents' houses as they expect their children to obey them otherwise known as ' granny's house : granny's rules.'

Additionally, I think the fourteen year old should be read the riot act about returning home after school to complete homework and not trying to manipulate adults over school day treats.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but if everyone observed these rules many problems that children cause or find themselves in could be averted. Children are not adults and do not understand either the dangers of the modern world or how a chain of authority needs to be complied with for their own good.

Why do people have kids then think they can ick and choose when to look after them? No wonder the kids has the hump.

Tell them in future to look after her themselves, as they clearly don't trust you enough to back them up.

It won't hurt them to have to priorotise their child, she won't be a child for much longer and you have better things to do than chauffer and worry.

All the people who want grandparents to look after the kids should be bloody grateful.

I suggest you show your DD these comments, she should get down on her knees in gratitude for your babysitting. Yes I said babysitting because clearly the girl is still very immature.
I no longer have the health or energy to do childcare like this but would be incandescent with rage if my DD spoke to me like this and supported her spoilt brat of a DD.

I wouldn't be running around after a 14 year old like that, they must be in and out of the house like yoyo's! Does the girl walk anywhere?
Your daughter and her hubby are the ones responsible for looking after their children and certainly should support you if you are doing their job.
Make your point of view clear, if they don't like the way you want things to be - tough.

My first thought was you should tell your daughter where to go for not backing you up here. But, of course, you don't want to fall out with her. So next time she asks you to look after her kids, I would suggest you smile sweetly and say you're not feeling well enough to help out and that she will have to find someone else.

Totally normal behaviour of a teenager it ll only last a couple of years then they ll be driving themselves around Of course If the girl is used to her independence she will take it badly Your daughter should have told you this would happen and made arrangements with other parents My own grand kids often go out after school and they are very good about saying how they are getting home and what bus and what time... it is a normal part of their growing up and their independence but it was wrong that you were not told and prepared for it but it's understandable that your granddaughter would be upset at the disruption to her social life it's also equally understandable that you would be worried and unsure of how much independence to allow and it was definitely your daughters job to have told you what to expect and how to handle it

There are numerous cases of teenagers, mainly girls, making arrangements to meet people after school through social media, telling parents they are off to meet a friend then being subjected to abuse or worse when the person they arranged to meet was not who they thought. If it was me I would find some instances on the Internet, print them off, give them to your daughter and ask her what she would have done if a similar thing had happened to your GD on your watch.

Your daughter is 100% in the wrong. I would make it clear that should you do her the favour of caring for the teenagers in future you want your daughter and SIL to sit down with them and make it clear that they should abide by any rule you make and that any change in routine has to be agreed with you in advance and that your word is final.

When we look after GC we are responsible for their wellbeing and knowing where they are at all times.It is a big responsibility and you should make rules to suit you and if they are not adhered to then say no next time.

Willa, I'm appalled. Firstly, the rules change when someone is babysitting another person's child so normal rules don't apply.
Secondly, if anything had happened on your watch, how would you ever live it down? You were right to say no.

Thirdly, your grandaughter would be putting you to the test so again you were right to say no.

Lastly, I'd tell your own daughter to find another childminder the next time she wants to take a 7 day vacation.
You either both sing from the same hymn sheet, yours if you're doing the job. Or she finds another person to childmind.

Teddy123 says it all, teenage girls can be very manipulative and your DD should absolutely have backed you up Willa45 , you were doing her a favour by looking after the twins, don't agree to it next time she asks.

We have just done similar duties at our DD's for DGDs 15 & 16 and DGS 12 plus dog. Yes there is a lot of taxiing but our DD had done her best to keep it to a minimum and told her teenagers they needed to curtail their social lives for the period their parents were away. The grandchildren didn't seem resentful. Your
DD should have done the same if she knows what's good for her and wants to be able to go away again. What did our generation do wrong? Our parents would never have done such things for us and they were much younger when our kids were teenagers.

Whilst I agree with pretty much all the support for OP here I was wondering how everyone ties it in with yesterday's heartache posts of families who have irreversibly fallen out with each other and no longer have any contact? I'm prompted by 'walking on eggshells' and 'zipping the lip' etc referrals. I realise the 'child' in question is a teenager. On consideration of awful consequences, would we all still recommend adversarial response no matter how seemingly justified?

I agree with others that your DD and SIL are being unreasonable. They should have backed you up. The demands they are placing on you are very high. IMO, it's time to sit down with them and explain that this is more of a challenge than when the twins were little and that, should you continue to do it, you have to be able to make some rules and decisions that work for you whilst they are in your care. Also, do you really want to spend this much time caring for teenagers? If not, consider pulling back. At the very least, hint to your DD and SIL that you may not be 'able' (prepared) to provide this service much more. That should scare them into showing more respect for you.

Personally, I wouldn't be prepared to devote so much of my hard earned retirement to that. They are very fortunate that you are/have been and they should show you some appreciation.

Your DD & SIL should be telling your DGD to be respectful of what you say and want, whilst their DCS are in your care. Aren't they very lucky to have you.

An apology from GD would be a start and from DD once she's back home. I would think twice before you look after DG again. Plan a holiday for when you know your DDs going to be away again. Put your foot down, stamp it- hard.

Kim19, I'm an estranged parent. I've also run groups for estranged and non estranged parents. Plus I've done years of research on the issue.
I'm currently at the stage of trying to understand which is the lesser of two evils. Being estranged but also being free of all the problems many non estranged parents now have.
I know I'm not alone in this thinking. Originally we all used to think that being cut off was a fate worse than death. But I do a job working with women and I'm now convinced that I'm the lucky one.
Time and time again I hear tales of women who have retired but are threatened by their AC if they don't automatically jump through any hoop that's placed in front them. This can be from childminding to paying off loans to moving back into the parents home after a relationship falls over.
Whichever way we look at it, the problem is mostly the attitude of this 30 something generation who treat their parents with such little respect that it's never going to be easy to please them.
This ingrained pattern of behaviour stems directly from the misplaced guidance of the 1989 Children's Act which made parents subservient and put children in charge.
We are now reaping the consequences.
Truly, faced with such a choice, I think most parents our age today are not in a great position either way, estranged or not. The demands and expectations on them are unreal.
I agree, I think both the daughter and the grandaughter were wrong and treated the grandmother badly. Again, the expectation is do as I say or else. No winners at all because they expect life to be all about them and meeting their needs over anyone else's.

I agree with that bags and meandashy.
Your GD should have been on holiday with her parents.

I wonder what tale she spun to her parents about you.
Stay out of it you don't deserve the hassle of the 14's who think they know it all.

Once the heat has died down, time for a family meeting? Not to shame anyone, but to get each person in the family a chance to tell their story, to be heard without interruption, and for a family resolution?
However, the parents should bear in mind that 14 year olds will be 14 year olds. Close to the average age these days to start being sexually active. Way too much responsibility for a grandparent to have to handle, IMHO.
If it were me, if asked again, I would ask for a family meeting where the rules are set out. Or only mind the grandson. The girl could stay with friends. Or I wouldn't do it. It didn't work for the granddaughter, the mother or for you. End of story.

It seems your GD was acting quite normally, but she should have been more considerate to you. She probably changes plans frequently but her parents can cope with it. It's different for grandparents. You just want to have her home and safe. i would tell your daughter it's getting too much for you, and they should take their children on holiday as meandashy says.