Gransnet forums

Grandparenting

It goes on and on...

(87 Posts)
nannynoo Fri 15-Sep-17 21:30:21

Some of you may be following my life story re my Grandson

He has been living with me for over 2 years now and it is at the court stage now

I have no order on him , just his kinship foster carer but it has reached the point there are 2 ways it can go ( or a possible 3rd way but will mention that later! )

Either he goes home to his Mum who is fighting tooth and nail for him or he remains with me and I become his court appointed guardian which I am going for

The advantage my daughter has is her parental rights as his birth parent which holds a lot of whack and my worry is unless there would be SIGNIFICANT harm little man could indeed possibly be returned BUT if I REALLY felt my daughter was in a good place , fine and well , being honest , going for the support she needed and basically transparent about her 'recovery' I would be supporting reunification even though I would be very sad and miss him LOADS!!

Yet if I felt he would be HAPPY at home I would be packing his bags because I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY more than anything else in the world...

His Mum and I are at loggerheads unsurprisingly but such is the nature of wanting to protect him from harm and doing my damndest to do so especially with his vulnerability of Autism with LIMITED SPEECH

I still have to monitor and supervise contact twice a week which is a STRAIN and if it gets a lot worse hostility wise up to the final hearing I will insist it is done at a contact centre as there is one with a sensory room and little man would LOVE that smile smile

I have asked for that already but they are reluctant of course due to the COST so I am expected to do it coz it's ruddy free!! confused lol Plus it is up to me to manage contact but it is SO HARD!!! sad

Anyway little man is fine and HAPPY here so much , doing well at school , very confident and sociable and he has been through SO MUCH already I do NOT want him to go through any more suffering at all! sad sad

First court date was 2 weeks ago and my daughter kicked off because social services ie their solicitor used the evidence I had given them against her and in doing so the judge ordered her to have a hair strand test which she was refusing to have done until it was ORDERED by the judge ( that is worrying in itself!! )

The problem is my daughter is lying , pretending and manipulating sadly rather than it being a genuine recovery sad and that is where we have the problem

She has a live in boyfriend now who smokes skunk and has no experience with children let alone one with a disability and I do not feel he would cope with him

I had to evidence his skunk smoking so he is not talking to me now lol but why not just come clean , apologies and say it won't happen again ie smoking it in front of my Grandson? Albeit outside but STILL!!!

He is not even allowed to BE around my Grandson as he has not been DBS checked etc but because it is at my daughter's house they both seem to ignore it hence another reason to have it in a contact centre which I will still be pushing for!!

We don't know him from Adam or his background or history but tbh he certainly has NOT impressed me so far to say the least! sad

She lies to cover up for him and lied to the judge and social services about him and when ss asked her a few months ago if she was seeing someone she said ''NO I am concentrating on my recovery'' but she was already seeing him!

So she is saying all the right things but actions speak louder than words and as she is lying over and over about things I wonder what else she is lying about and hiding

Hair strand test results next week anyway but I will do anything to protect my Grandson and feel PROUD that the judge only ordered a hair strand test due to my evidence smile Yes = rift with daughter but yes = protecting my Grandson

Anyway there we have it , the basic situation right now but there are some other things which point to my daughters SERIOUS lack of good mental health which VERY sadly includes animal abuse and if she can treat her pet shockingly badly then how will she treat her son???

I am 99% sure my Grandson will be MISERABLE if he goes home and I cannot have that so I have to do everything in my power to prevent it and even if the court does not feel he will be at risk of SIGNIFICANT harm I know for sure he will be AT RISK OF HARM and I do NOT want him harmed at ALL he has been through enough and I hope and pray that the courts see sense and that anything else hidden comes right out into the open now as my daughter is a bit of a mess at the moment with the court stuff etc going on but trying to hide it still but at least the erm shit is hitting the fan now at last and I am HAPPY about that as I just want the TRUTH TO OUT as I KNOW he will be miserable and at definite risk of harm if he goes home sad sad xx

nannynoo Fri 15-Sep-17 21:43:15

The 3rd worrying scenario is if he goes home and my daughter cannot cope with him and he is damaged in the process but then changes her mind again at any time and little man be bounced back and forth like a ruddy yoyo and the IMPACT on his emotions and mental health would be TERRIBLE sad sad

I know one lady whose Grandchildren were bounced back and forth 4 times and on the 4th time she was having trouble bonding again as she was preparing to have her heart ripped out again for the 4th time and could not deal with it! sad sad

The courts seem in favour of the birth parents which is worrying as how many ruddy chances do you give them and what happens to the KIDS in the ruddy process? sadsad

So if he goes home I do not want my daughter to fail but at this stage I know she WILL!! sad

nannynoo Fri 15-Sep-17 21:45:06

Any help and support gratefully received right now!! blush x

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 13:50:23

Any responses and support would be gratefully received , have so much going on I am battling with mild depression right now , this court battle and the emotional / mental impact etc is all taking it's toll

It is HORRIBLE being in a situation where your daughter is pretending to be well , has a deep hatred and hostility towards you but you have to sit there twice a week with her and ''chit chat'' as contact with her son has to happen

Plus the fact that her whole ''fight'' for her son is based on lying to get him and pretending she is fine and well when nothing is further from the truth but she can certainly put on a good act but something's gotta give and I hope its not me if her plan works!!! sad sad

Anyway am doing my best , am DREADING contact today 4 hours of it , she has invited my brother over but he is a selfish self absorbed person so will have to sit there for 4 hours listening to him talking about himself lol but as least it is a distraction from the hostility between my daughter and I and as long as little man is okay...

He is refusing to go to his Mums too today and I hope we don't have his huge meltdowns later on , will stress how FUN it is going to be for him and will do my best to make it fun for him which I usually do anyway but it may be hectic with my brothers grown kids there as well as he does not like a lot of noise or anything chaotic , he likes calm and he eg likes to fully HEAR his music he is listening to without a lot ( if not any lol ) background noise!!

We will chill the hell out when we get home but I feel like this every two weeks but it is getting worse as we head for the final court deision

I will just focus on little man and just nod at my brother when he goes on and on about his climb up Ben Nevis and London to Brighton bike run , very commendable and well done but I have other more IMPORTANT things to think about like the future happiness of the child you tell to shush when he is screaming due to frustration or excitement!!

( He is not that good with my Grandson , no patience for him , not sure why my daughter invited him round tbh )

Lisalou Sat 16-Sep-17 15:12:24

Nannynoo, you are really going through so much. I hope that the hair strand test proves one way or another what your daughter's condition is, and you can get on with life. From what you say, this test is likely to prove she is still drinking. Will that mean that you win guardianship, or will the process continue ad infinitum?
I hope for your sake that this is resolved soon. Poor little boy, what a shitty situation to be in. xxx

grannyactivist Sat 16-Sep-17 15:18:16

Just wanted to say that you're doing a great job under very difficult circumstances - and hopefully the people charged with your grandson's well-being will see that and ensure he stays where he's safe and cared for appropriately. I know there are times when that doesn't happen, but take heart that most times the judges get it right. flowers

silverlining48 Sat 16-Sep-17 16:37:02

You are clearly and understandably under a great deal of stress. I am not sure that contact at home is appropriate in the circumstances and no doubt you have told social services/ guardian ad litem ( does your gs have one?) who is representing his wellbeing what the relationship is with your daughter. In fact might it be worth requesting / insisting on independent contact supervision, ie with the social worker or other appropriate person? Its too full on given the circumstances.
Try to relax, you are clearly doing the best for your gs and this is all in the hands of the judiciary. You can only do your best and making yourself ill wont help. Hard though, we all understand that. Hope you have someone to talk to.

Cherrytree59 Sat 16-Sep-17 17:00:36

Nannynoo
Just read your posts
How I wish I could offer even the smallest bit of advice.
You are a wonderful Grandmother
I hope and pray that someone will see reason and and take on board that you little grandson needs peace and calm in his life and you are the one who can provide it.
Thank heavens he has got you to fight his corner.

So sorry that I am unable to offer a solution. sad

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 17:31:03

Thanks so much I don't really have anyone to talk to so am going to see if I can arrange some weekly counseling for myself as I am dealing with very difficult circumstances and a lot of different emotions especially having to supervise contact which I HATE it is horrible being somewhere and hating every minute yet gritting my teeth for 6.5 to 8.5 hours every week and by the time I chill out it's time for the next ruddy one ie every 3 days

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 17:39:07

Lisalou there are 2 processes which will be going on side by side my daughter will be assessed for reunification and I will be assessed for guardianship so if reunification is denied then as long as I pass the assessment I should be granted guardianship but it all depends on the judge

Starlady Sat 16-Sep-17 17:50:48

No matter how she lies, it will be hard for your d to "fool" the hair strand tests, etc. So if she's being deceitful, hopefully, it will be found out and she will not be getting gs back right now.

Starlady Sat 16-Sep-17 17:51:35

I understand that she wants him and I feel for her. But right now, it seems as if you're the better "parent" for him. I hope and pray you get guardianship.

lemongrove Sat 16-Sep-17 18:27:07

Given all the background about your DD, I hope that you are successful and keep him with you nannynoo you sound to be doing a wonderful job with him under really difficult circumstances.💐

silverlining48 Sat 16-Sep-17 19:03:54

supervised contact would allow the supervisor to observe relationship between the mother and son which would be very helpful in deciding where and with whom he lives.
Try and get some support fir yourself nannie. If you make yourself ill it wont help and could affect your application for residency.

nannynoo Sat 16-Sep-17 22:45:57

I agree Silverlining am going to be looking into some weekly counselling for myself from next week smile

It is at the 'difficult' stage of things even though it has always been difficult it is pretty intense now! Lol

Worse thing is to top it all I had to report her for pet abuse today as she will not listen to me or see it is wrong what she is doing to her poor little dog and today I saw it wasn't a one off but a regular thing so I HAD to put a stop to it for the poor little dogs sake! sad

Her boyfriend is in co-agreement with the pet abuse as well which is worrying and on top of what I have reported he ''gives her a tap'' but when angry with her for having accidents indoors so am not sure how hard that 'tap' would be , a big mans hand on a tiny chihuahua!! sad

So I have the backlash of THAT to look forward to now as they will know it was me but I tried telling her it was WRONG but she did not seem to recognise or accept it was wrong ( let alone against the law!! ) angry

So I could do without the pet abuse stuff on top of everything else but the reality is IT HAPPENED and nearly happened again today till I stopped it but I feel she / they will not listen to me so I had no other option but to report her / them to the RSPCA who are taking it seriously!

Starlady Sun 17-Sep-17 07:18:34

Oh dear, If they're guilty of pet abuse, that can't be a good environment for gs. Dd may have destroyed her own case.

Imperfect27 Sun 17-Sep-17 07:34:06

nannynoo I hope that precious little boy continues to benefit most from your care and that he grows up knowing the value of selfless love that you are exampling to him.

So sorry that you are having to fight so many battles for his well-being. You have clearly had to be so very strong for him and you also need your support systems. I hope you do feel you have people close by who can hear you and restore you when you have the inevitable times of feeling drained by it all.

Keep fighting - keep a stout heart - that little boy needs you. I hope justice - and common sense - for his needs prevail.

Serkeen Sun 17-Sep-17 08:27:15

nannynoo Firstly how lucky is your grandson to have you!

There are soo many, too many, children being neglected in this way.

You are doing the right thing protecting your grandson from that world, totally the right thing. But you must gather evidence, as much as you possibly can, tape conversations on your phone, take pics if you can especially get evidence of how she treated her pet.

EVIDENCE is the key it will save the day.

I wish you the strength you need to save this little boy from the horrors of living the life his Mum wants him to have.

Morgana Sun 17-Sep-17 12:19:17

Nannynoo stay strong. Get that help and collect the evidence as someone just suggested. We are all wishing you well through this terrible time.

nannynoo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:21:12

THANK YOU EVERYONE , finding the little dog where I found her and the fact that she was shaking and traumatised REALLY shook me up to the point I think I was actually traumatised by it and it is what has caused my low mood on top of managing very 'difficult' contact

They look to me to manage it and expect me to manage it so will do so as long as I CAN but I know there is going to be a backlash for reporting her to the RSPCA

When I think about some of the things my grandson does I know it is the type of thing which would enrage her sadsad

I can't let him be in that environment! sad

nannynoo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:31:21

I did not realise how deeply I would be affected , shocked and traumatised by witnessing what I saw re the poor little dog sad sad

It is what I am mainly struggling with now , on top of being anxious about the fallout

I think it what has triggered me feeling a bit low and depressed as it was the last straw for me when already dealing with the stress of this situation so no wonder I have been feeling low and I still feel angry and shocked and confused about it as I do not understand why someone ie my own daughter would do something like this!!!

nannynoo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:36:34

I know it is unusual to share something so traumatic on here but I need to share it as it is not doing me any good to keep it inside

If you are upset by the mistreatment of pets please do not scroll down!!

I need to share this for my own mental health though! sad

nannynoo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:47:50

I could not find my daughter's dog when I was at her house on Wednesday but could faintly hear her whining , so after I looked everywhere I shouted downstairs to my daughter ''where is P?'' and she said ''in the drawer'' ... I could not believe my ears so asked again and she said ''in the drawer'' in what supposed to be my Grandsons room so I COULD NOT BELIEVE I WAS LOOKING FOR A DOG IN A DRAWER , was in shock and felt like it was not REAL but I still could not find her after looking in all the big drawers in the room!

I asked her ''WHICH drawer?'' and she said ''the plastic ones'' so I looked in the big plastic ones and she was not there and then my heart SANK and I was in shock as I opened the TINY narrow drawer and she was IN THERE squashed flat so she could not move with her paws sprawled out beside her , there was no room to move at all and when I took her out she was SHAKING and I had to calm her and I asked my daughter why the hell she would put her dog in a drawer ( let alone the SMALLEST ONE ) and she just said matter of factly ''because if I lock her in the room she poo's in there'' and she said she ''forgot she was there'' but had ''only been there for 5 minutes before I got there'' no remorse , no shame and unfortunately I had not noticed her dog was missing as soon as I got there as I was too tense about how hostile my daughter may be with me after court... So I did not discover her till 20 minutes in so she had been in there for at least 25 minutes if my daughter was not lying about the 5 minutes

Plus she / they would have had to use FORCE to get her into that drawer! sad sadsad sad

nannynoo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:54:55

It's *** disgusting!

Plus I had to stop her from doing it AGAIN on Saturday so I had no choice in calling the RSPCA as it seems it is a 'normal' occurrance in her house and her live in boyfriend is in full collaboration with it as well angry

I DO NOT WANT EITHER OF THEM AROUND MY GRANDSON WITHOUT SUPERVISION!!!!! sadsad

vampirequeen Sun 17-Sep-17 13:04:54

If that's they way they treat a dog then they don't have what it takes to deal with a child especially one with your GS's extra needs. You've done the right thing reporting the animal cruelty. It's yet more evidence of their mentality.