It goes on and on...

I'm so sorry you have all this to deal with, nannynoo.

It's very unfair that you have to supervise contact. Surely it should be an unbiased person, as you have asked for.

I hope you can find a counsellor to help you very soon. You really need someone to understand what you are going through in trying to make a good home and life for your DGS.

Try not to think about your D's antagonism to you. Put up a mental wall against it.
Her attitude to you is her own responsibility, not yours.

I hope there is a good outcome to all this, for your grandson.
{{{hugs}}}

I think it is a great mistake that the contact visits cannot be supervised by a professional. Your daughter and your grandson will behave differently if you are not there, so it is an artificial situation. Is it totally out of the question for someone else to be there instead of you?
I do hope that you can get some help with counselling or mindfulness - the latter trains you to be in the moment and not worry about the past or future which you cannot control. Take the dog situation - you dealt with it at the time. You reported it to the RSPCA who will try to prevent it happening again, perhaps by education and a warning. You can now put it out of your head. If you should come across that or other situation next time, you will have the courage to deal with it again, but between now and then, worrying will achive nothing. I do so admire your strength and committment, but am concerned that you will wear yourself out by what is going on in your head when you need to be calm and strong for yourself and the littke boy. Much easier said than done, I know only too well.

Nannynoo, some people have to carry such difficult burdens, I admire the way you are fighting to give your grandson the best possible support. Your daughter is clearly far from well with a boyfriend who is a bad influence. I agree with the poster above that you should not have to oversee the contact sessions they are causing you so much distress. I do hope the RSPCA follows up on the dog, what an awful way to treat it.
I hope you can access some talking therapy, you are the rock for your grandson and hopefully the court hearing will settle things to your satisfaction and you and your grandson can have some stability in your lives.

I can only say one thing. Steal the dog. Poor little mite. If they will treat a dog like that, what will they not do to a child? Especially if he has a meltdown - what will they do? Lock him in the bedroom? God, there is potential for real danger for your GS in this. I feel for you and hope you get guardianship

That is exactly how I feel LisaLou and I looked into that poor little dogs eyes and promised her I would stop it from happening again so hopefully the RSPCA will be enough to shake them into action re how they treat their pet but I would RATHER THEY GIVE THE DOG AWAY to someone who will care for her properly as obviously they are not coping with her , same way I feel they will NOT cope with my Grandson but who suffers? The vulnerable little one

Thing is that although my daughters 'stuff' is her OWN stuff , not MINE it does AFFECT me and that is why I need the extra support especially if social services insist I have to continue to supervise contact , what they say is if I get guardianship I will have to do it even with great hostility between us which there would be , so this is like my 'test' of how I can manage or handle it BUT doing it twice a ruddy week is a lot and after guardianship it is reduced a lot so the child can fully settle

My life will never be stress free ( as long as my daughter is ill anyway ) but I have to manage how her illness AFFECTS ME and try not to let it which is easier said than done if you witness something like a darling dog stuffed in a drawer , shaking

Plus the results of the hair strand test , if clear I will worry MORE because it will be more likely lo is returned and it is her mental health I worry about as well as any substance use

If NOT clear I will still worry as children have been returned even AFTER the birth parent failed a drugs test so it would be even more worrying in one way and yet glad there is some EVIDENCE in another and on the whole I want to see if my gut feeling is true ( it def is about her mental health as I have seen! ) but I feel there is something dodgy going on still re her substance intake and use tbh so anyway , we just have to see and all of this is a 'wait and see' till the final hearing but a DIFFICULT time which is why I am going to get some help ASAP!!

If my daughter did the same a long time ago we would not be in this situation!

It takes guts and honesty with yourself to know you are struggling and so take the appropriate steps for your own self care and reach out for help , it also takes self love tbh which she sadly lacks ie to know you are WORTH IT but to also be vulnerable an unproud ( if that's a word ) to ask for and seek help!! xx

I need all the help I can get! Lol

And that is what I tell everyone as my daughter is saying ''I don't need any help'' to everyone ( when she clearly does ) and I said to her ''well I NEED HELP!'' ( and I am not the one with the poor mental health or drug and alcohol use but it AFFECTS me as does on top of that EVERY CARER NEEDS HELP!! ) x

I have already submitted an application online over the weekend for local weekly counselling which s free of charge :-)

Plus have found a brilliant support charity who assign you a worker to help both you and the child with a tailored plan

They offer different strands of support ie mental health support , family support and Autism support and I am going to ring them and say I need ALL THREE! Lol

It is good to get the future support I will need in place already [happy] [happy] and I am quite proud of myself in all this tbh as none of it is easy and yet am taking steps and trusting my gut and knowing myself to ensure they are the right steps so I hope it all pays off in the end!!

I am and have always done the hard work needed but my daughter is shirking it which will not have the GOOD results she expects as it doesn't just fall into your lap from nowhere

I had to do the hard work to get him here and do the hard work to keep him here and I hope that will evidence itself in the end

The only thing which worries me is that she has the advantage of being his birth Mum which carries a lot of whack and she knows it , hence she feels she doesn't actually have to 'do much' to get him back , just being his natural Mother is enough in itself ie he is MINE and I want him back and have every right to have him back as his natural Mother ( but I assume it takes a fair bit more than that! HOPEFULLY anyway!! lol )

Little man has been SO good at going to bed recently after playing up at bedtime over the school holidays lol I think he knows and feels his body is tired and I let him have a settle down and chill time before sleep which he ENJOYS and so does not kick up a fuss about now

He even calls it his ''settle down'' ( time ) bless him but on holiday and during the school holidays he never wanted the day to end lol

As with anything in life and with the ups and downs we ''will get there'' bit by bit!!

That's brilliant, nannynoo, that you are taking steps to get some support.
Please try not to worry too much while waiting for things to progress re your daughter.

nanynoo I wish I could offer some advice but I can't, you seem to be doing all you can already.

Just one thing, parents don't have any 'rights' they have 'responsibilities' the main one apparently to give a child a proper family life. Therein lies the problem, who interprets what a proper family life is?

I am very aware that social workers sometimes choose to go for the quiet life and simply believe all the mother says, even when there is evidence it is not correct. Please collect all the evidence you can and compile it for the courts and social workers, not sure you can do anything else. Witnesses may be willing to write statements but less willing to stand up in the family court.

Does the school have someone whose job it is to look out for children in such circumstances? I know some do.

Best of luck

Thank you guys so much for your input and support , it is really helping me way more than you know!!!

The school do not seem to want to get involved with the legal side unfortunately , they just report how my Grandson is doing in general ( but I know they support me in him staying with me , it is just always said 'off the record' for some reason but perhaps they are not allowed to be 'biased' or give their opinion on what they feel about the 'case' but little man is FINE at school with no issues thankfully )

I think one or two family members would write statements but definitely not stand up in court lol

I am just hoping that everything comes to light in the end as you can only ''keep a lid on things'' and PRETEND you are okay for so long and the truth usually outs in the end which it is beginning to do at least now after 10 months of pretence but it's about time the cracks began to show at least as it must be EXHAUSTING pretending for so long

It's exhausting enough for me pretending everything is fine between us at our contact sessions together but I am getting some support in place and phoned my doctor today who was wonderful and yet for the counselling with no FEE you have to fight good and proper for it as resources are extremely limited!

I may see if there is a low cost or charitable organisation option who give some support on a regular ongoing basis etc but I feel they do need to be properly trained as it is a range of complex emotions I am going through tbh and a HUGE amount of stress and my daughter texts me every few days complaining about SOMETHING to do with my Grandson and I can just about breathe without it being an 'error' she is going to or has reported me for ... and so it begins ...

She is going to dish any grain of dirt on me she can find which should be fun as I do have a past which she is already raking up to try and prove me unfit when she KNOWS she has had no concerns about the care of her son and yet has implied all along that she can do a better job and yet has been critical of me for the smallest of things all along in order to feel better about things yet has upped it now of course lol ( Great! Will just ignore her tbh I aint got time to get into tittle tattle and she seems to be in a FOUL mood recently and so takes pleasure n having a dig at my capabilities or rather 'what I am doing wrong or have done wrong in the past' in order to feel better but I can't be arsked with all that tbh and will just be HONEST about EVERYTHING!! Always the best way in the end anyway lol )

If she was more honest and asked for help she would stand a better chance but because she knows there is an 'easier' way by using deceit and dirty tactics she is full blown going for it and yet is still a hot mess right now that she would never willingly reveal but it is showing itself now with eg the pet abuse and I think it has got her rattled that her REAL mental health etc could possibly be 'exposed'

I feel the court appointed guardian needs to maybe come and visit little man and I

I also need to let him / her ( it might not be the guy I spoke to on the phone now ) know the things I have noticed eg ;

When my daughter told my GS he has a room at her house he started wetting himself every day immediately after

His behaviour suddenly changed and was presenting as feeling insecure ( before this he had been so settled )

Then contact was upped and he was NOT coping with it

He has limited speech but still says from time to time even up to very recently ''bye bye Mummy and Daddy , stay with Nanny''

We were singing ''5 little ducks went swimming one day'' today and he wanted it to be ''5 little Daddies went swimming one day'' and he had a Hula Hoop snack on each finger and I drew a smiley face on each finger so the hula hoop was like the Daddies hats lol but I changed it to Mummy during the song and he screeched out vehemently ''NO MUMMY!!!'' which concerned me a bit and I quickly had to change it to Daddy again

Not saying he does not love his Mum but I do feel he feels highly ANXIOUS about possibly going to live with her and HE knows his own mind and should have a say at least!!!

He has become reluctant to go to contact again and I have had to go back to erm 'bribing' him to get him there so I think he is settling again but is still confused and insecure to a degree and has been saying ''bye bye Mummy and Daddy , stay with Nanny'' more and more recently xx

I think HIS voice should be heard now!!! x

The guardian shoukd certainly come and visit you at home. S/he is acting solely fir your grandson, not you or your daughter, but him and will provide an independent report and recommendation for the court.
Contact should be supervised by an independent professional as it also forms part of the assessment for the court. You may well supervise contact afterwards but if it is difficult and causes your gs distress then alternative arrangements should be made. All this is about the welfare and best interests of the child so keep a written record of dates and times of any incidents.
It is good you have sought some help and support for yourself. Try and keep calm, not get upset or angry if you can help it and remember you are doing your very best in a difficult situation. Good luck.

Thanks silverlining , it is hard to stay calm but I am trying

Plus trying to be reasonable , it is tough enough supervising contact which is expected of me right now but will be discussing it further with them very soon

Then I get angry texts through from my daughter as well which does not help but because on this occasion I had a part to play in making her angry I apologised and meant it x

I honestly can't apologise for ringing the RSPCA etc though but it seems they have not been round to hers yet but if I am responsible for doing anything with even a sniff of vindictiveness in it I will apologise , the rest is purely out of wanting to protect

I do not want to be guilty of being vindictive at all , however angry at her I am lol

It is purely out of wanting to protect her dog and son that I have done anything else apart from the one thing I said sorry for

I will keep 'my end' clear anyway but I won't be victimised either xx

Keep on keeping on, Nannynoo. I love your name, by the way! It helps to be able to get it off your chest here, I'm sure. I'm sure you're already doing so, but keep a note of your little mans anxious behaviour, and when it occurs.

Gosh nannynoo it sounds as though you have a lot to contend with. My DGS has also been diagnosed as being autistic and we all strive together to provide the best environment and support for him we can. It's hard to imagine the difficulties you must be facing without total family support. Not much consolation for you but anyone in your situation has my utter admiration. Counselling for you could be so beneficial in helping you continue to provide the unconditional love and help he needs. You are one of life's angels (((hugs)))

Wow thank you Swanny - I feel I am doing something anyone would do to prevent their beloved Grandchild from being adopted

Yet I get so much treated as the 'baddy' by my daughter when we ALL would have LOST HIM COMPLETELY by now if I had not come forward and no one else in the family is willing to have him due to his Autism and difficulties etc , poor little sweetheart , he is such a joy , it's not ALL hard work lol x

I would not HAVE to be the baddy if my daughter was not putting on the performance of her life and lying through her teeth to everyone , was hoping she would recover but her fake recovery is causing so much stress and anxiety that I have to watch it does not make ME ill

If I had no concerns then I would be SUPPORTING reunification and would be booking my next trip somewhere sunny with a lovely beach looking forward to sipping a cocktail and proper chilling lol

Are you making the social workers aware of your daughter's attitude to you, nannynoo?
It doesn't seem to be the attitude of someone who genuinely cares for their child and wants him to be well looked after while she is not able to do it.

Far North she resents me because I get to do all the fun stuff with him that she wants to do and I understand that but you have to put the hard work in to get the fun stuff and you also need tons of patience and empathy , some things she has demonstrated by the treatment of her poor little dog that she has not got

She seems to think it is my fault she has not got her son back because I am ''holding on to him'' and she thinks I should have no concerns about her ( or turn a blind eye to any ) so if I report her I am a 'traitor'

I will be notifying the sw if contact becomes too difficult or hostile

The guardian contacted me today and they have appointed this new one who sounds lovely on the phone , very rational and clear and she WANTS to know my concerns and she is coming to visit us on Monday

I do not want to get too optimistic but there are 4 people here who want little man to remain with me 1/ The SW and child protection dept 2/ The guardian by the sounds of it 3/ Me and 4/ Little man himself!! ... The ONLY one pushing for his return is my daughter but it was nice that the guardian reminded me today that if the authorities had no concerns about my Grandson they would not be taking her to court , they would just hand him over , especially as she still has parental responsibility , it would make things easier and cheaper but they would not be doing their jobs properly if they did that and their solicitor is gathering evidence for the reasons NOT to return him as they have concerns as well , the guardian wants to know where HE wants to stay and what will be best for him , my solicitor will be evidencing how much better off he will be with me permanently and so it is only one person in court with their solicitor who is actually going against 3 other authorities including child protection themselves who have a duty to protect the child!

The judge said the only reason a care order was not granted was because my daughter promised not to remove him! I was thinking it was because he wanted my Grandson returned but that is not the case and the main person here is my Grandson and HE gets to have a say now and I am SO happy about that because why would he start wetting himself when his Mum told him he has his room at her house now?

The guardian will be taking things like that into account plus the fact that he only stopped wetting himself over the 6 weeks school holidays when he had less contact and was more settled and his anxiety reduced!

Beginning to think I may have a case now , was worried the judge was supporting my daughter's case but there are many other 'strands' to this and the main thing my daughter is going on is her parental rights plus not drinking heavy like before but it will take more than that to be given the full time care of a vulnerable child who 1/ Is already settled and happy and wants to remain where he is and 2/ Has limited speech and if anything happened he could not even tell anyone

Plus it does not look good that my daughter is lying in court and getting a 2 bedroom flat and decorating a room and saying ''I am getting my son back'' is no ruddy guarantee!!!

I feel like she is trying to bully and lie to get him back and I understand she feels he 'belongs' to her because he is her child but he is not an item of ruddy property he is a little boy with feelings and emotions and complex needs who needs the best support possible in life and I know I keep bringing it up but if you can lock a dog you supposed to 'love' in a drawer as a punishment when angry what the hell will you do to the son you 'love' and 'loving him' did not mean you stopped drinking and got help while he was in your 'care' , let alone 3 years later and I feel she has had 'every' chance and yet knowing she is on her last chance she is still choosing to lie and trick her way through it to get him back rather than do the hard work involved on herself and be honest about needing help and about where she is really at!!

I need ruddy help and I am not going to pretend I do not!

Thing is if she was honest with everyone she would have more chance of getting him back , they took her to court because he said she was going to remove him by Christmas because she was ''better now'' and if she said she was not going to remove him because she needed more time to proper work on her ( genuine ) recovery they could have worked with her without even court being involved and once proper proved herself fit they could have returned him ( rather than say I am removing him soon because I am better now and they along with me have their doubts so of course they would take her to court before December!! )

Silly girl!

We went for a lovely little walk with the dog , we bumped into one of the little girls he used to play with , she asked if he was 'with me' now but I didn't know what to say but it was still nice and familiar to see her and the whole walk reminded me of how things used to be when he first moved in , going for walks with the dog without a care in the world and funnily enough his placement felt secure then and we were both happy and secure

I forgot it used to be / feel like that and it was a lovely feeling , without a care in the world , no cloud of uncertainty hanging over us and funnily enough I thought it would be temporary back then but further in ie 2 years later with no REAL change on my daughters part ( not inner changes ) I feel we NEED security and to settle again properly and to be able to walk down the road without a care in the world again x

I want that feeling of security and being relaxed back , for both of us!!

Plus the truth to come out as my daughters deception plus treating me like the baddy is hurting me

I do feel she will always say I ''stole her son'' though until she get's the proper help and takes responsibility for herself , until then I will always be the baddy but at least I won't have to hear it / deal with it so much as contact will be reduced once little man has permanency , she can take me to court once a year so I have to be prepared for that but she has to prove there has been significant change and the judge is reluctant to move the child if they have been settled for many years tbh , not sure the stress will ever end unless she 'comes clean' as we will always have to see her and have avenues of contact open to organise the contact itself but the stress will still be much less than it is right now and I do not have to answer the phone and her messages etc as tbh both me and little man need to settle and feel secure again!

Totally agree.. your battle right now is to save the boy from a terrible life.

Don't worry about being the bady simply because you are NOT, you GS would not agree that you are the badly and he matters far more..

Would your daughter consider joining an AA organisation, they are a GOD send for people that are addicts

That phone call from the guardian sounds encouraging, nannynoo.
Don't let your daughter's irrational attitude upset you. You're doing a great job of looking after your grandson.